Drummer, Dragonrider

Why am I so different? The cry rang in Tion's mind.

He groaned and rolled over.

Please, help me! It was louder now. What have I done?

Impression! The word drove every other thought from Tion's mind. He threw on his white candidate's robe, lashed water in his face, and ran down the steps to the Hatching Grounds two at a time.


The dragon stumbled yet again. She let out a thin, pitiful wail.

No one knew what to do. First, she wasn't like any other hatchling: neither green, nor gold, nor even a blue. She was pure, silvery white except for swirls of red, brown and ocher.

Second, she hadn't Impressed a rider.

With a cry of dismay, Lion reached the Grounds. There were no dragons left! Where was the one who'd called to him?

Here! An image, sharp as crystal, burned behind his eyes: In a semicircle of boys and girls, a white hatchling was curled up, shivering. Hang on, he reassured her.

Indignant, she replied, That's not my name. It's Tenth!

Hey, Stori! This a lot clearer than your prologue, but parts are still confusing.

Why am I so different? The cry rang in Tion's mind.

You put all of this in italics. Why? Tion is only thinking the first line.

I would put:

Why am I so different? rang the cry in Tion's mind.

Please, help me! It was louder now. What have I done?

Maybe this makes sense to you, but to me it looks like a bunch of incoherent and random thoughts.

At least take out "It was louder now," -- unless you mean the Voice inside Tion's head. If that is what you mean, take it out of italics.

No one knew what to do. First, she wasn't like any other hatchling: neither green, nor gold, nor even a blue. She was pure, silvery white except for swirls of red, brown and ochre.

Explain why this is important to the people in charge of the hatchlings.

Second, she hadn't Impressed a rider.

Explain why you capitalize Impressed.

This looks interesting. It seems a lot like Eragon, but it's a Fan fic, soo...

^_^

I don't have time to do an overall, sorry.

Hope this helped,
Sakura

Ok again Sakura has said most of the issues, and I agree this is less confusing, but still the reader has no idea what is going on. Again it is short, and not much description is used.

The cry rang in Tion's mind.

Again, this shouldn't be in italics.

It was louder now.

Neither should this.

Impression!

What does this mean?

Please don't use smileys in the middle of a story, but something else. Keep on taking away the confusion, and soon we will have a great story. Well the line below isn't actually against confusion when you think about it but I'm still putting it here.

Knowledge is power, guard it well.
+++ Blood Raven Librarian saying+++

-Amniel out

Thanks for your help, guys.

Impression is what the author calls the word imprinting, where the first animal a newborn sees becomes its "mom."

So, these dragons need their riders.

As for the colors, her's the list:

The gold dragons are the queens. They have all of the others.

The blue are always male.

The green are female.

Bronze and brown are always male, and the bronze is always the one to
pair with the oldest queen. Hope this helps out.

Yeah, that did help out a bit. Thanks Stori.

Major improvement from your prologue. I agree with Haruno, this was a lot more understandable, but parts were still confusing. Everyone seems to have covered the mistakes, so I won't repeat them.

Is the dragon's name Lion by the way?

It must have have been.