to go too deep and then to be redeemed

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When I hear what you say
Then I dream of the day
When I dream of the day
My mind starts to play

You fallen for my charms
I am in your heart you see
Even though I’ve never felt your arms
You can not let go of me

Johnny law could chase us down
But they’ll never catch us darling
We’ll never wear a frown
We are so dark my starling!

I’ve put a spell on you
You are my hostage sweet
So much love is due
We’ll never feel the heat

We play it safe
As safe as dealers be
Our closeness never chafes
And still you’re so far from me

You whisper words
And I lead you into darker places
We are like those nasty birds
It’s so dark we can’t see our faces

Some one has told
We have been found out
But you weren’t so old
I feel like I shall shout

They let us continue
They don’t know the whole
We will start anew
But my heart is ripped and as is my soul

I try to say, ‘hey’
But you never reply
From December to May
My love wasn’t a lie!

Answer me my sweet!
Why won’t you wake?
You’re blowing away like wheat
What did my love make?

You finally reply!
I hate to hear your voice!
I feel so shy
You words give me no choice

I cry all alone
I cry to my God
My life was so dark but then He shone
Your life is broken but not from fraud

I pray that He’ll heal the brokenness
It is my fault and you feel the pain
Where is the fairness!
I have been your rain!

You are broken
Your pain is crushing
This is my token!
It’s what I get for rushing!

The words we say
This isn’t real fair
I’ll try to talk, OK?
The pain we can share

We’re starting anew
This isn’t all bad
Have hope this is true,
Please don’t be mad!

We’ll do it right
God has carried us through
We’ll keep Him in our sight
And we can be true




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Points 2242
Reviews 695
Hey there!

Well, first off, I didn't read this but I skimmed through this and I can see the problems. First, if you're going to use a rhyme scheme keep it consistent. You start off with having a 1,1,1,1 scheme and then the next stanza is like 1,2,1,2. And I believe you're rhyming just to rhyme. Don't worry about that, just focus on the message you're trying to get across. Also, this is too long. I'd suggest shortening it or breaking it up.

Hope I wasn't too harsh.

Keep writing,

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.



You can't blame the writer for what the characters say.
— Truman Capote