Romantic fantasy

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Gender Female
Points 1062
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:D my first posted story ! yay ! -rawr- :!:
Yeah, -_- heh.. i REALLY hope you enjoy it, im not done, this is just my beggining really, but please read and give me some advice or comment ! thanks !







PREFACE
I couldn’t remember my past, but something inside me knew that this boy was the key to
my memories. Things were unravelling to fast, He was never going to stop, was he?

CHAPTER 1. LOST

I COULD FEEL A COLD BREEZE ON MY FACE.
My thick brown hair danced with the wind as my mind drifted back to consciousness.
I was in a daze, I heard the soothing sound of water rushing on the shore and calmly retreating back frequently. My eyes opened to the bright sunlight covering the ground, blinding me for the
few seconds before my eyed adjusted. A whole new world opened up to me.

Everything seemed so clear, so brilliant. My muscles tensed as I tried to push myself upward into a sitting position. I stretched and let out a deep yawn, which made my eyes watery. After wiping the tears away, I looked ahead of me, what I saw stunned me.. It was just so… beautiful.
I saw the ocean, Its water sparkling like a million diamonds. My eyes searched for more
interesting sights. I turned around, and realized that I was surrounded by forest. Thick,
bright green trees and bushes devouring most of the land around me. My hands sank slightly in the cool light tanned coloured sand.

I couldn’t hear any other sound but the rushing water and my heart, racing at top speed.. I seemed to be alone… and I couldn’t remember.. Where I was, or who I used to be.
Suddenly I heard a noise.. Like rustling bushes. At first I was happy,
because what ever was moving around had to be living, which obviously meant I wasn’t alone. My emotions over powered me, I felt scared because what ever was moving might not be human.. I waited to see what it was, my body trembling with fear.. It jumped out of the bushes, leaping out on all fours and landed on the grainy sand. It looked at me, its red eyes gazing into to mine. I felt my body shake uncontrollably.

What I saw before me, was a wolf. This wolf looked different than regular ones. It was huge, like a wolf on steroids. It looked like a boy to me.. He seemed mad at first.. But now his expression held a concerned look. He trotted towards me, I froze right where I sat. I hadn’t noticed that I was wearing a long sleeved white fabric dress before, which probably made me look pretty appetising to the muscular, red-eyed beast standing before me. The claws of the glorious four legged creature dug into the ground, prepared to pounce on me at any given moment. This is the end isn’t it? I shut my eyes tight, hoping. Praying that he would kill me quickly.

My body shuddered as a cold gust of wind whirled around me. Something inside me churned as the wolf howled, drifting swiftly into the forest ahead. With that, my eyes opened, and he was no where in my perpetual vision. Am I going insane? I lost my memory, and now I was seeing imaginary wolves. Yeah, I was defiantly insane. But, everything about him just seemed so real. Even an insane person couldn’t have mentally pictured and heard that beast. There was only one way to find out. I lifted myself up, groaning at the slight strain in my legs and arms, but I ignored it, determined to find my imaginary wolf. Well I assumed it was imaginary, its not every day you see a wolf that abnormally huge.



I marched forward, my legs stiffly moving along, sinking into the sand until I reached the line between beach and forest. It smelled of fresh pine, the thick cold hair froze my throat as I continued to walk. The sound of the beach faded away as I lingered further into the unknown.
The sweet sound of birds chirping in the distance echoed in the forest. This was the type of place I didn’t mind, it was so quiet and peaceful, and so.. green. My legs started to get irritated as the long sharp grass scratched at my feet and ankles. I felt the need to find this thing quickly, I dashed as fast as my legs would take me.
Everything blurred around me as a ran, the cold air started burning my throat as I inhaled deeply for needed oxygen. I heard someone breathing. I stopped.

Catching my breath, I spun around and saw not ten feet in front of me, a handsome young man that looked about my age. His reddish brown hair came to his neck, his copper brown eyes gazing deeply into mine. His clothes consisted of nothing more than black jeans and a dark blue t-shirt and a gray sweater that tightened around his somewhat muscular shoulders. He said nothing at first, but took slow strides towards me.

The space between us became shorter, his lips curved up into a perfect smile. I froze, stunned.
Why was this godly being standing not 2 feet in front of me? Things began to get a little blurry around me when he spoke in an low even tone, almost heavenly.
“Hello, are you lost?”

I hesitated, I wanted to run, but I was frozen in place.
“Y-yeah.. Where am I?”
His smile faded slightly, there was a change in the wind,
it turned and blew quietly behind him and flew in front of me, his sent moving with the wind. I wanted to inhale that scent forever, it was so sweet and calming, like lavender.

“We, my dear are in Dolly Sods.”
That didn’t give me much information, because I had no idea where that was…
But at least I wasn’t alone. “Oh.. That helps, I guess.”
He laughed a little, I wasn’t sure why.
“Do I humour you?” My voice sounded dull.
“Just a little.” He starred at me, grinning.
“Are you alone?” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to answer
his question. I mean he didn’t seem malicious, or threatening towards me, he was quiet discreet. But there was something about him that was cabalistic, like something hidden in stone. I starred at the ground, looking at him as spoke. “Ugh. Yeah,” I paused, I had to think of a reason that was believable as to why I was alone and had no idea where I was. My voice was strained, trying to make it sound truthful, I actually believed myself for a moment.
“I ran away from home, I guess ran a little too far, and got lost.”

His eyes were still locked on mine listen attentively to my lies. He might not believe me..
“Hmm. I see well no one comes around this area much, its rather dangerous at night, you won’t be safe.” He waited patently for a response. Think… “Oh, I’m sure I’ll manage just fine.”
“I’m not willing to take that chance.” I snapped back at him “Why dose my safety concern you?”
His smile was gone now, he was serious, anxious as the sun began to set.
His lips pursed, his copper eyes glaring at me, taking a step forward, he spoke in an urgent tone. “I’m not going to let someone die for no reason, if you ran away you should’ve thought of a decent place to stay other than here” Know I felt angry. “You don’t even know me. Why should you care?” He retained his composure, smiling at me again. His mood swings are giving me a headache. “My name is Cassius, may I ask you yours?” My nostrils flared, but composed myself as well. “Maria.” I felt my heart skip a beat when he took another step closer, closing in the space between us. I realized he was taller than I thought.



ill post the rest later ! really sorry ! not done just yet !




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Gender None specified
Points 890
Reviews 40
Very tame for an R rated post, wouldn't even make PG-13 in my eyes.

First person is so confining, but you seem to have experienced it before and worked quite hard and paid attention to details. So I am not going to harp too much about it. Just going to point out, third person is always there, but you are able to generate emotion effectively enough to avoid it. (Yay.)

You seem to have hit the enter key when coming to the end of your line on the word processor, leaving the fragmented and capitalized pieces to be picked up and carried over by the YWS formatting. That should be your first edit on the hard copy, before you copy and paste it back to YWS.

Towards the end I found one error which caught my eye.

'Know I felt angry.'

'Know' should be 'now'.

Some of your narration seems to be lacking power and depth as your beginning, might want to sure up lines like these:

'..it turned and blew quietly behind him and flew in front of me, his sent moving with the wind. I wanted to inhale that scent forever, it was so sweet and calming, like lavender.'

'sent' should be 'scent'

Should put the scent first, so the reader can understand why you want to inhale it instead of thinking something more... stinky. By placing lavender first we know she isn't enjoying the smell of his deodorant or dirty hair or any number of possible things. People usually have to be pretty close to smell someone anyways, (2 feet could be far for normal people) so at first I thought he was REALLY REALLY smelly. Like someone who hasn't bathed in a week or two.

Embarrassing yet? Moving on...

Overall it was nice, not too much development, but then again you said this was not the entirety of the piece. You seem to have set a good pace, kept mood and have few errors, so good work!
Currently writing Gaea Arc #1 - Poisoned Throne

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Gender Female
Points 690
Reviews 1
Overall, I think your story is really good (the beginning at least). Maybe a little more emotion and details about this Cassius guy would be better. Not to burst your bubble or anything, but, I think the line: "My eyes searched for more interesting sights." is kind of, well..........., stupid. After Maria had just looked at the magnificent, sparkling ocean she stereotypes this sight as "interesting"!? Not the best use of the word interesting, I think. Try a word with a little more emotion. But remember, use a word that implies what her reaction to waking up on the beach was.
Also, maybe in the next chapter (or whatever you're calling these sections), you could add a little more info about Maria's appearance (she could look in a mirror, etc.) without skimping down on the action. Try to always keep the reader's attention. So far, I think your story is wonderful! Keep the great work up!!!!!!!!




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Gender Female
Points 1436
Reviews 8
Heh. I helped you fix this one up, oi, didn't I chap?
Lol.
xD
You got the suckiest writer in all of the lands to help you fix-up your perfectly rounded story.
Tell me, were you drunk?
Or high?
Its fine, you can tell me.
^___^ll
(Oh... Your gonna get me back for this)

Anyways, all in all, this story rocks my cow socks right off my feet!
I love you B-Er... I mean... Marshmellow-Warrior... *Cough*
Anyways. Lots of loviedovieness!
Oh, and, I'm writing part two and ANOTHER story that I randomly thought of while brushing my teeth.... (Don't ask)
See you at school.
TTYL<33
Poem Sig:
Flower that blooms on a cloudy day, please don't take the rain away.
Its all I have for the tears I've shed, All I've gained for the blood I've bled.



Go and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for your being here.
— Neil Gaiman