Vampires and Lycans. A whole new world to the human eye.

11 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1436
Reviews 8
Waking up for school wasn't really an esstential in the Moon family. It was more like, 'Well, today's school.. And you know what, I don't give a fuck so Im'a sleep in. So everyone screw off or I'll eat you.' Well, the 'I'll eat you' part was kind of random, but not totally. Morganne Moon, the youngest daughter, and only daughter to a house hold of boys, just earned her collar. Yesterday was her sixteenth birthday, and unlike other girls who usally go out to get a new car, she got her first collar.And trust me, its totally a big deal...Exspecially, for a Lycan.Thats right. Morganne's family is pure blood Lycan. Although, Morganne is part Vampire. She was bitten when she was young, just before the slaughter...You see, her parents were trying to protect Morganne from some type of evil. Morganne was never told of what it was, only that her parents were shot down, slaughterd. Matthew found Morganne in a basket outside the mansion. they were not aware of what had happend at the time, but with further investigation...Morganne is a Hybrid. Her blood cells are no longer 'just' Lycan, but Vampire as well. She has no weaknesses, not even the ones she had when she was Lycan. Now many are out to get her, though, she doesn't mind. She beleives that whatever she's up against she can take down.
~~~
"Wake the hell up Morganne! Just because you got your damn collar yesterday doesn't mean your not going to school damnit!" It was Dai, the oldest. Though he may nag alot, and act superior over everyone in the house hold, hes not a total ass."Meh..." Morganne just rolled over in her bed. Fourteen brothers and half of them were moronic losers, who, obviously will never make anything of themselves. The other half all big shots and workers in big companies. Like Dai for instance, he was really the leader of the pack because he was the higher buisness man. It was odd how their family was organized... Acually, it was pretty norm. Dai was the big poppa bear and Idate was the momma bear. First eldest and second.

Morganne groaned again when her little brother plopped down on the bed beside her and started to play with her long red hair. "W-what are you....Doing." Obviously she was half-awake still, she didn't notice the scissors in his hands until it was too late. There was a loud scream throughout the mansion as a hand full of red hair fell to the floor. "Im a hair dresser like Idate!" Cheered her little brother, Mell, happily. Morganne sat up in her bed and grabbed the scissor's from Mell's hands, walking up to the mirror and blinking. He hadn't cut off too much, but her hair was...Shorter. Morganne groaned and then screamed again, this time accually forming out words. "IDATE GET YOUR ASS UP HERE AND FIX MELL'S MISTAKE!!!"

Now, Idate came running, his little girly figure reaching the top of the stairs in minutes, only to race into Morganne's room. "Yes, yes. Mell, you know you shouldn't practice on your big sister. Not very nice." Mell nodded then pouted, sliding off of the bed. "Yeah, but...Everyone else's hair is really short, so Morgie is the only one with pwetty hair..That is, besides you big bro. Your hairs so pwetty, I wouldn't even dream of cutting it... Just, Morgie's was tempting..." He looked down and Morganne just arched an eyebrow. "What the hell have you been teaching this kid, Idate?" She looked back into the mirror and grimmaced. "Accually, never mind, don't answer that, just fix...This." She started to play with her lomp-sided hair as her little brother left the room in a gloomy mood.

Dai came stomping up the stairs and knocked politeley on Morgannes closed door. "You up yet sleepy head? I heard your scream... What the hell did Idate do?" There was a muffled awnser. Dai blinked. "Wha...-?" He turned the handle of the door and opened it, watching as peices of his sister's gorgeous hair fell to the checkered(Black&White) floor. "Holy shit. Are you for cereal?" "Oi... Cereal's my word." Morganne was sitting at her desk in front of a gigantic mirror, her brother behind her cutting away at her lushious red head. Morganne couldn't turn to her brother, but the sentence was obviously directed at him. Idate didn't divert his attention either, it was all about the hair. Dai leaned up cassually against the oak door frame, awaiting for the finishing touches to be added. He didn't have work today, so it didn't matter to him how long he had to wait before scolding them all. In the mean-time, he would just stare in awe at the sight of his sister accually cutting her hair that she has been growing since the day she was born.

A few minutes passed, and Dai had grown bored, it was when his brother spoke up, that his head had jerked. "Dooooone~~~" The lovley melody of Idate's voice flowed through the ears of those who had heard it. "Jeesus." Dai looked at his sister. She looked... Good. "WHAT!? What is it...? Don't tell me it looks bad!" Morganne was a slight mess, and it showed when she turned away to look at Dai. "The hairs fine, but you need a bath." Morganne rose an eyebrow, not quite yet understanding. "Huh?" Dai pointed at her chest, making her head slowly move down until she was looking directly at her torso. "Gaaaah. Im totally gonna be late today..... Why can't I just stay home?" Dai looked at her and the peices of red that streamed over her body. "I don't know." Idate immeadtiatley stepped in. "Awww. C'mon Dai, pull taht stcik from you ass and let the girl have a day off. Its monday, and her birthday was only yesterday, let her get used to her collar. and besides, look at this face." He went up behind Morganne and placed his hand on her cheek, his slender fingers moving along as if to show how precious she was. "Theres no way you can say no to such a face." Dai looked at the both of them, smiling and happy, awaiting his disicion. A puzzled expression came from Dai, but he just shook it off, and gave a smile just like they. "Fine. But only one day, don't think you can get out of school for the entire week. Not on my watch missy."

After Dai had left the room, in a some-what good mood that he usually got after doing something nice, Idate and Moganne secretly did their little triumph dance, glad that they had perswayed the unperswayable.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2209
Reviews 106
You must have at least two reviews before you post and I'm not sure but I think you kinda have to be 13 to be on the...site...

Waking up for school wasn't really an esstential in the Moon family. It was more like, 'Well, today's school.. And you know what, I don't give a fuck so Im'a sleep in. So everyone screw off or I'll eat you.' Well, the 'I'll eat you' part was kind of random, but not totally. Morganne Moon, the youngest daughter, and only daughter to a house hold of boys, just earned her collar. Yesterday was her sixteenth birthday, and unlike other girls who usally go out to get a new car, she got her first collar.And trust me, its totally a big deal...Exspecially, for a Lycan.Thats right. Morganne's family is pure blood Lycan. Although, Morganne is part Vampire. She was bitten when she was young, just before the slaughter...You see this isn't necessary , her parents were trying to protect Morganne from some type of evil. Morganne was never told of what it was, only that her parents were shot down, slaughterd. Matthew found Morganne in a basket outside the mansion. they were not aware of what had happend at the time, but with further investigation...Morganne is a Hybrid. Her blood cells are no longer 'just'You could do without the quote signs Lycan, but Vampire as well. She has no weaknesses, not even the ones she had when she was Lycan. Now many are out to get her, though, she doesn't mind. She beleives you spelt believe wrong that whatever she's up against she can take down.


I like how you introduced us to what's going on. Overall there were many many spelling errors and usually I would correct all of them, but I have to eat dinner....so good. You need work and I'm not quite sure this story has potential, and seriously was there a need for the curse words?

**MO**
If I can impact one person, just one, with my writing before I die, then I've lived a great life




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5890
Reviews 504




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3225
Reviews 365
Hey, evil_kookies! Nice to meet you!

I'm Sakura and I'll be your reviewer today. ^_^

There are way too many errors in this to do a line by line, so instead I'll give you some hints!

-Whenever a new person speaks, begin a new paragraph
-Use a more formal writing style. Because of the way you write your story (like a conversation), I assume it was in first person. With your "conversation/casual" writing style, I think this story could benefit greatly if it was told from the point of view of Morganne.
-Use spell check. There were many spelling errors and some of your words were made up.
-You don't need to cuss to have "tough" characters. Some profanity is fine, but this is a bit much.

You have a nice plot going here. The werewolf/vampire theme is often overdone, I'm anxious to see how you make it your own. I myself write about vampires and werewolves.

If you fix these errors, PM me and I'll be glad to write a line-by-line critique of this.

Hope this helped,
~~~Sakura~~~
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2474
Reviews 47
Hey, pretty good, but a bunch of mistakes for grammer and stuff...keep at it...sorry... so...tired...
Many ask me if I see the glass as half full or half empty. Well, I don't know about you, but I see the glass as, WHO DRANK HALF OF MY MILK?!?!?!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1436
Reviews 8
Woah... O__o
I didn't think people would accually read this. (stupid thought huh?)
Ummm.
I don't have spell checker.
All I own is a computer...
Oh! I own a peice of paper and a pen too :)
I wrote that when I was mad(posted it when I was pissed)
I have Manic depresive, so sorry for the sudden changes in moods that I know SURELY go on in this peice. (I also know this sentence just made hardly any sense as well.... Too bad.)
I'm sorry bout' the cussing. And the bad grammar, and ALLLL of that other stuff that makes your head spin.( Hahaha. I'm typing like that right now anyways. )
I'll TRY to get better. Im not the greatest teen writer(I fancy art a little more)
Im too used to Role Playing Games.
Where you pick someone like Inu-Yasha and play as them.
(I must say it didn't help me much... Writing wise)
I write stories but never finish them. I have too many ideas to go to waste.
(I guess I'm sort of paranoid that people might see into my soul and steal all my creative thoughts and idea's that have to do with writing)
Sorry that you guys accually read this.
Was a waste of your time, Huh?
Gomen.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3225
Reviews 365
It wasn't a waste of time at all!

You definitely have potential as a writer. When we criticize you, it means we like your piece. I see a lot of potential in this piece. With a little polishing (and possibly some help from us!) it could be great!

Don't be discouraged -- Keep writing!

If you need a spell checker, there is one right here on YWS! It's above the reply box.

Keep writing,
Sakura
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2358
Reviews 42
this was actually very good for a ten year old. I wont go into a very in depth review because it is midnight at my house and I'm very tired, but i will probably come back and give a better review later on.

I noticed quite a bit of spelling mistakes but that is allowable. Just go through and edit your work next time. Most of it wasn't bad just spelling then tehn and stuff like that. small mistakes.

The beginning was a little hectic, but it was a good idea, and i liked it as an introduction. Try to smooth it out a little, add a little more flow.

Thats all i see right now but i hope it helps. I really liked the start and i will be looking for the next parts. One thing, and this is probably just me. I don't understand what the 'collar' part is about. you dont have to explain in the story, but if you could PM me that would be great.

Oops, i got something else to say too. Don't ever think something you write is bad, because then it will be bad. Have confidence in your writing ability and it will show. For a ten year old you are doing exceptionally well. If you like to write then you should continue doing it and post anything and everything you write, so long as you follow the reviewing rules.

Anyways, good luck, and i hope to see part two on here very soon.
Words - so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1436
Reviews 8
Eh!
I'm not ten >_<
Im thriteen!
....
T_____T
Thank you though.
Part two will be on soon.
(I guess)
Um... Er...
Yeah, thank you all for the support!
^___^
Makes me kind of happy!
And... I'll P.M you about the whole collar thing.
I was thinking about it, and I'll probably explain it too in the story sometime(Maybe her little brother will get one?)
Anyways.
TTYAL!
<33
Poem Sig:
Flower that blooms on a cloudy day, please don't take the rain away.
Its all I have for the tears I've shed, All I've gained for the blood I've bled.




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 1062
Reviews 13
Hey, i know you friend :)
i thought it was good, a few spelling mistakes here and there
and a few words that you randomly made up.. But other than that i liked it
keep up the good work and constructive criticism that everyone is giving you !
hope you read my story soon *sighs* :P
keep up the mind blowing work !




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9593
Reviews 216
Hey, sorry but 10 is a little young for this site, I think that teh minimum age is 13, anyway, if you correct the date of birth in your profile, by hovering over the "my YWS" menu at the top of the site, and then click "My personal Info.", tehn people will stop calling you a 10 year old. It was good for a 10 year old though... ^.^
::XoX::KeepWriting::XoX::

GENERATION 29: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.

Writing is 3% talent and 97% not being distracted by the internet



I am proud of my self, the reason why some of you might disagree with me a little with, but nevertheless I still proud.
— Oxara