The Dead

Hey I'm doing and English homework that is to write a story which i do not think i have done in a long time. I do no want to get an D for my work so i hope if you do not mind that i can post some of it on here and you guys could possible tell me if its good bad or just try again thx plz though honest opinions o yes i am 13 and he said i could use strong language



THE DEAD

I always liked my life well I used to. Life was simple back then birth and death that’s it. But then the z-virus kicked in and made one small alteration; not a big one but it still fucked up the world in a matter of days.
It all started in North Korea, reports of people getting sick. There systems shutting down then restarting. But not in a good way restarting. They went crazy and by crazy I don’t mean rocking in corner sucking your thumb and shitting your pants. I mean by going around biting people and ripping fucking faces off. And as you would guess Russian blamed America and America blamed Russia, England sided with America and soon after lots of other country’s started choosing sides too. We were close to nuclear war. But that’s all in the past now. There’s no government no army nothing in control. We’re not trying to beat these... if you like zombies now just trying to survive that thought died long ago like everything else.

It was about 5 weeks before the virus came to England, Hell it was only 2 weeks ago that we started to know about it. It spread like quick fire; People started falling on the floor coughing their guts out then getting up and attacking. Some of us like myself are immune to the airborne strain but if those things bite us that’s it we turn in a matter of minutes and become one of the ....zombies. So that’s life now scavenging for food and watching you’re back in case some twat decides to take a chunk out of it.

My names Dean Reed and that’s the way the world ended, ended not ending ended. All I am doing now is surviving like every other soul alive. So what did I do to prepare for this? Not much I never expected the virus to make this much of an impact no one did, I just stocked up a bit just a bit more food that’s all. Now I’ve all run out, I have got to go out sometime I can’t stay in the flat forever I’ve need to get out, find a boat or something go to Antarctica or someplace like that where it’s below freezing and their body’s will not be able to move. I can’t live in this flat anymore if the zombies don’t get to me first hunger will. It’s time to go.

Not a bad concept. I mean, I like a good zombie story as much as the next. Definitely needs some work though. LOTS of run-on sentences. I can't possibly point out all of them, but here's a few:

"I always liked my life well I used to." Should be and period or comma after life.

"Life was simple back then birth and death that’s it." Should be some sort of punctuation mark after then.

"They went crazy and by crazy..." Should be a comma after the first crazy.

"There’s no government no army nothing in control." Add some commas

"We’re not trying to beat these... if you like zombies now just trying to survive that thought died long ago like everything else." Not quite sure what this was trying to say, but it needs some punctuation or something, too.

" People started falling on the floor coughing their guts out then getting up and attacking
Needs some commas, add a few "and"s, etc.

"Some of us like myself are immune to the airborne strain but if those things bite us that’s it we turn in a matter of minutes and become one of the ....zombies." Add commas or make it a few sentences.

Those are just a few, there's more in the last paragraph, too. Some other things I noticed were:

"lots of other country’s started" Countries, not country's.

"It spread like quick fire; People started" People should be lowercase

"My names Dean Reed" Names should be name's

"the world ended, ended not ending ended." Reword this, not quite sure what you were trying to say.

"I just stocked up a bit just a bit more food that’s all." The sentence repeats itself, reword it.

"every other soul alive." Try saying every living soul. It sounds less awkward.

And you certainly did use strong language. Anyway, this wasn't bad, it just needs some major grammatical help, etc.

Good concept with good writing style. You do need to add comments to some parts. There was only one part in particular that stood out to me that needed fixing...maybe.

mean by going around biting people and ripping fucking faces off.

Honestly I don't know if the 'fucking' is needed. But, your choice.

Good job. I hope you do good on the paper.

This is for a paper?

It needs some work...

Oh well, that's why I'm here!

I always liked my life well I used to.

Try to read this outloud. It doesn't make sense; it's two sentences.

This could easily be changed to, "I used to enjoy life."

Life was simple back then birth and death that’s it.

Once again, this can't be written as once sentence. At least use a hyphen.

Life was simple back then -- there was birth and death and nothing else.

But then the z-virus kicked in and made one small alteration; not a big one but it still fucked up the world in a matter of days.

A virus ending the world? That is a pretty big alteration.

There systems

Their.

We’re not trying to beat these... if you like zombies now just trying to survive that thought died long ago like everything else.

Um, what? This doesn't make much sense.

I would say...

We're not trying to beat these... zombies. We're just trying to survive. But the hope of survival died long ago, just like everything else.

It was about 5 weeks before the virus came to England, Hell it was only 2 weeks ago that we started to know about it.

This is two sentences.
Also, always spell out your numbers.

Rewrite:

It was about five weeks before the virus came to England. Hell, it was only two weeks ago that we started to know about it.

you’re back

You are back? Change you're to your.

My names

My name is.

Or at least add an apostrophe.

ended not ending ended.

This makes little sense and only takes up space. Nix it.

Not much I never expected the virus to make this much of an impact no one did, I just stocked up a bit just a bit more food that’s all.

Agh! I am really fighting the urge to pop you on the head. This is more than one sentence!

Also: So there is a virus that turns everyone into zombie's and no one thought this was a big deal?

That was must of the grammar issues, now we'll discuss...

Overall

The Plot

Eh. It's nothing special. I've seen a million movies that involves a virus that turns people into zombies.

Description

You are moving much to fast. Describe more about the plague and the zombies.

Grammar

Your grammar is horrendous. Try brushing up on your basic knowledge of apostrophes and commas.

Hope this helped,
~~~Sakura~~~

ok
I'm studying english and reading James Joyce's "The Dead." this is really not the same thing.

I'm almost shocked by this.

Firstly, as you've been told, you have to see to your grammar. It was apalling. I don't know if you didn't proof read it or you didn't want to read it aloud but you need to use some punctuation.

Now you've managed to achieve a voice here, which is a start, and I understand that someone in this situation would be bitter, but at least tone down the language for the opening. If you're only thirteen,and this is for school, the language is just too much. I know you claim that "he" said it was alright, but if you have to take this piece further for a folio or external assessment you're going to offend someone.

Keep writing like this and you're going to provoke a response,but also alienate a lot of readers.

I don't want to say anything else.