Close Your Eyes and Brace Yourself: Here's Your Last Mistake

Close your eyes and brace yourself:
Our established way of life deteriorates.
Young girls give their soul for spotlight,
Give their bodies for attention and misguided infatuation.

Nothing is stopping this.
It’s an adrenaline rush their newfound poison gives,
It streams through their veins leaving a path of unacknowledged devastation.
Toxic and irresistible.

Last chance before your soul escapes.
Swaying in a rave of confusion.
In the mirrors you'll never find yourself.
Abused, abandoned, cheated - one more hit, you say.

Life stares you down from a family photograph.
Disgrace washes over the face of a stranger.
You’ll throw the poison aside ready to reclaim your identity.
Sacrifice the habit and embrace the love you keep penetrating in the distance.

Here’s your last mistake:
Intoxicated hands built walls and imprisoned your mind.
One last fix- there it is.
There it goes.

Hey there Telina! June here!

Your username is so pretty! It sounds elegant .

Okay, I really liked this. It made me think. Almost every line in this poem is strong, meaning that if you were to find these lines written by themselves, they could make you think. It takes talent to have such strong lines in a poem and not overdo it . Brilliant job.


Why are your first lines in each stanza bolded? What are you trying to show us by this? Are you trying to show us that these lines need the most emphasis? Or are you trying to show us that each stanza is like, a miniature poem in itself and the bolded lines are somehow titles? What's the importance of bolding the first line and not the last?

All negativity aside, I don't think that bolding words in a poem is necessary, unless it's the type of poem that has a cool structure (and, hey! I'm not saying that this doesn't have a cool structure, it has a marvelous structure to it!) but, it's sort of like prefacing your work. You don't need to tell the reader what the story is about, let them figure it out through your words.

In the same way, let the reader decide to emphasize the parts of the poem that they want to emphasize-- don't do it for them. It's like telling them you can't ever read a page upside down, when it should be up to the reader to decide if they want to read the page properly or corrupt braincells by turning the page upside down xD.


I especially like the last stanza. Your line have less power to them giving the poem a gentle closing. It's wonderful.


Now! The thing I like most about this poem is the meaning behind it! It like... gives the reader a certain impression, but as you sink lower and lower into your (quicksand) words, you kind of think twice about it, and if you try hard enough you can give this poem a few different meanings.

It takes alot to blend all of that into a poem . Fabuloso!

Perfect job here, dear. Keep it up.

June

Close your eyes and brace yourself: I like the comcept of bracing yourself, instead of bracing 'it', as is much more common.
Our established way of life deteriorates.
Young girls give their soul for spot light, Spotlight. No space.
And Give their bodies for attention and misguided infatuation.

Nothing is stopping this. Nothing? This poem is at least attempting to stop this. Be careful when using such a strong word that the fact is accurate.
It’s an adrenaline rush their newfound poison gives, I had to read this a couple of times before getting it, but once I understood I liked it a lot.
It streams through their veins leaving a path of unacknowledged devastation.
Toxic and irresistible. Nice.

Last chance before your soul escapes. Ooh! This sentence deserves an exclamation mark, don't you think?
Swaying in a rave of confusion.
In the mirrors you * never find yourself. *can never, will never, etc...
Abused, abandoned, cheated - one more hit, you say. Again, nice powerful ending.

Life stares you down in a family photograph. 'Life' is what's staring? Maybe 'from' the photograph?
Disgrace washes over the face of a stranger.
You’ll throw the poison asidecomma here ready to reclaim your identity.
Sacrifice the habit and embrace the love you keep penetrating in the distance. From the distance?
Here’s your last mistake:
Intoxicated hands built walls and imprisoned your mind.
One last fix- there it is.
There it goes.

Very nice job. The meaning behind this remains clear even though you throw in tasteful imagery and eloquent phrases. It's not short and sweet, but it's a deeper meaning for longer words. Make sure your not just trying to cram in long words to make your vocabulary sound impressed, for future reference. Some smaller words can get an even better point across, as in the very last line.

I liked this a lot. Well done on making us think and process every line, every thought presented to us. It was beautiful!

PM me if you need anything!

~Evi

Well I saw you only had two reviews so I thought I'd drop by and give you add one to it. ... but now that I'm here I see why no one has posted any more than these two =) these reviews hit the nail on the head! But since I wasn’t going to go from this page with out writing something I'll go ahead and speak my thoughts, forgive me if they seem repetitive.
Thought1: I like the structure! Its completely different but having the courage to be different is GREAT!
Thought2: please keep writing! You have so much potential!
Thought3: You should go back and edit as you previous reviews have suggested
Thought4: good job

Disgrace washes over the face of a stranger! life stares you down in a family photograph. Oh my god! this is wonderful. You're a great author. it seems that humans are the only ones who destroy themselves only to satisfy cravings and other people.

I really don't know how you write like that. I love poetry, but I just can't write it.
Plus, just wow, that poem is going to be one of those things that sticks in my head for years.
And plus, amazing issue/topic. Original, strong and true.
I agree: short, simple words often make poems stronger.
However, you, I think, have pulled it off
And, because there is more long words than simple, the last line stands out strong.
To be honest, I loved it and you should be so, so pleased.