A Burning Cigarette / I have judged

A Burning Cigarette / I have judged

The train grinds to a halt at the station. I look out the window, watching the people.
A woman steps to the door, smoking her cigarette.

As she boards, she flicks the still burning stub to the ground.
Immediately I am attentive, for this is an offense to me.

I watch as the stub burns still, lying upon the concrete.
If it was wood, there would be fire, but no, only smoke, curling into the air.

I glance at the woman, who quite handily fills my stereotypical catching eye.
She is one of those people, one who I would never choose to associate with.

I have judged her, for she is the cigarette.
I have judged her, for she has fallen into a judgment.

I have Judged / A burning Cigarette

I felt bad because I noticed that this was about to go off the first page and still no reviews. So I'll do the honors.

First off, I like the concept. It's unique and interesting. However, I think the poem could be a bit stronger.

Immediately I am attentive, for this is an offense to me.

I glance at the woman, who quite handily fills my stereotypical catching eye.
She is one of those people, one who I would never choose to associate with.

These lines all stand out to me for the same reason: they're really chunky. They're long lines with big words in them, while the rest of the piece has shorter words and less syllables per line. Break them up and re-think your word choice.

However, there's a bigger problem: Why does the narrator find this woman so offensive? This is a big question that the reader shouldn't be left wondering about. Adding a couple lines and/or changing your word choice could remedy this.

I have judged her, for she is the cigarette.
I have judged her, for she has fallen into a judgment.

Liked the first line, not so much the second. "She has fallen into a judgment" is not a good justification for why you are judging her. Perhaps you could explain the first line a bit more in the second line.

I watch as the stub burns still, lying upon the concrete.
If it was wood, there would be fire, but no, only smoke, curling into the air.

Wow, I love this stanza. It describes the scene and puts an image in the reader's head. Very good.

Overall, good job, just clean it up a little. Keep writing!

I liked this, because it wasn't like some others I've read which just rant on endlessly. It has a great conclusion, except for one line that bothered me...

The ending where you declare, "I have judged her, for she has fallen into judgement." I honestly think that line kinda throws the reader off. I would advise ending it differently or something, but that ultimately is your call to make, not mine.

Otherwise it's a great piece.

Ok. So, thanks for the two responses so far.

Quote:
Immediately I am attentive, for this is an offense to me.

Quote:
I glance at the woman, who quite handily fills my stereotypical catching eye.
She is one of those people, one who I would never choose to associate with.


These lines all stand out to me for the same reason: they're really chunky. They're long lines with big words in them, while the rest of the piece has shorter words and less syllables per line. Break them up and re-think your word choice.

However, there's a bigger problem: Why does the narrator find this woman so offensive? This is a big question that the reader shouldn't be left wondering about. Adding a couple lines and/or changing your word choice could remedy this.

Hmm. So, niteowl, if I put in another stanza describing her, this would be better? Though its important to note that the offense was the cigarette, and that her appearance is affirming that she is "that kind" of person, in the viewers eye.

As for chunky...

"Immediately I'm attentive, offended."

"I glance at the woman, who handily fills my stereotypical eye.
She is one of those people, people i would never associate with."

On to the other note, as mentioned by Krupp as well.

"I have judged her, for she has fallen into a judgment."

With two readers signaling out this for corrections I should probably change it. However, what I want to convey with this line is not justification for judging, but instead how she has fallen into a prejudgment. How she was judged "one of those people," only on the basis of her dropping her cigarette.

So...

"I have judged her, guilty before innocent."
"I have judged her, for she fits a mold."

Either of those read well?

I like the idea of the poem. People are prone to judge based on first impressions, and though the speaker never comes out to say it, I catch a little whiff of regret that they are judging so soon.

Going from
"I glance at the woman, who quite handily fills my stereotypical catching eye.
She is one of those people, one who I would never choose to associate with."
to
"I glance at the woman, who handily fills my stereotypical eye.
She is one of those people, people i would never associate with."

I like the change in the first line, but that second one is still wrong somehow.

And personally, I prefer "I have judged her, for she fits a mold" instead of the other option.

I thought the flow of the poem was okay, and the idea was good, but I felt you could have written it a lot better.

"I watch as the stub burns still, lying upon the concrete.
If it was wood, there would be fire, but no, only smoke, curling into the air."

I thought by far that ^ was your best stanza, and is way I felt you could've made other parts of the poem better, more engaging, more emotional, with a little more excitement and flow.

"I have judged her, for she is the cigarette.
I have judged her, for she has fallen into a judgment."

I didn't really like the second line in this.

This was a good idea, you did a very nice job in telling the story, but as far as a poem I felt there were times when I was really into it, and times when I was really not into it.

Keep up the good work!

Its interesting, the line everyone likes the most is the one I was most concerned about.

A Burning Cigarette / I have judged



The train grinds to a halt at the station. I look out the window, watching the people.

A woman steps to the door, smoking her cigarette.



As she boards, she flicks the still burning stub to the ground.

Immediately I'm attentive, offended.



I watch as the stub burns still, lying upon the concrete.

If it was wood, there would be fire, but no, only smoke, curling into the air.



I glance at the woman, who handily fills my stereotypical eye.

She is one of those people, someone I would never associate with.


I have judged her, for she is the cigarette.

I have judged her, for she fits a mold."



I have Judged / A burning Cigarette

I addressed most of the suggestions, which was mostly taking out unnecessary words.

The main problem that I haven't addressed that several people mentioned is the
"She is one of those people, someone I would never associate with." line. I'd prefer to keep the poem short, so I plan to leave this line as is instead of adding another stanza.