Hello... I recently was required to construct a short story from a childhood memory. It was for a school assignment, but this isn't what I handed in. Alas, it is (in my opinion) much better than what I used, but I thought of the idea after the due date. The point of the exercise was discriptive writing.
I am looking for all comments, grammatical errors or descriptive devices that sound out of place. Hope you like it!
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I quickly removed the lid and sub-consciously shook off the warning of what the container contained. I lay the lid down, and carefully avoided the soft plume of thin white powder that erupted from its holding pen. With circumspect in mind, I forced my hand into the box, filtering through the floating fine particles, and created a wave of motion in my wake. The mixture stirred as I cautiously dipped my spoon into the wave of residue, carefully extracting the instructed amount. I cupped the teaspoon in my hand as I transported it over its waiting future.
The baking powder splashed into my previously prepared concoction, sending drops of flying dregs all over the bowl. I grabbed the mixing spoon and hurriedly sloshed it around in the basin, sending brownie soaring in all directions. After adding the final ingredient, I ran the short distance to the cupboards and pulled out the deepest dish that I could get away with. With great difficulty, I heaved the immense dish onto the bench, and hauled the enormous and substantial bowl containing the mixture up, and leaned it on an angle, so I could spoon the brownies into the awaiting dish.
Ding! The Brownies were ready. I sprinted into the kitchen and thrusted open the oven door. I hastily threw my hands at the plate, eager to sink my sweet tooth into the chocolaty treat as soon as possible. Without hesitation, I grabbed the brownies and yanked the hotplate out of the heated compartment.
It was milliseconds before I realised, maybe it was the adrenalin of having a luscious meal awaiting me, or maybe it was just the innocent mind of the child that I was back then. But whatever the reason for my delayed reaction, the dish was hot, and I was already halfway to the bench…
SMASH! The Pyrex dish shattered on the floor, spluttering and splashing in every possible direction. Millions of tiny diamonds rippled across the floor and settled to a halt in impossible to reach places. Wave after wave rippled across the floor, splattering my feet with tiny beads, dowsing my calf’s in a spray of bombardment.
I looked down at the devastation, and felt my face droop to the floor. My head fell as limp as an evergreen leaf in the rain. My eyes dropped out of their sockets as I revelled at what it would all mean. As I scanned the floor for any sign of life, death or something in-between, I locked onto my target. With great swiftness, I scooped up the brown residue in a sweeping motion. Shaking off the loose glass, I shovelled the cooked brownies into my mouth, handful at a time, cleaning up the evidence.
After the mess was all cleaned up, I heaved out the recipe book, flicked to the well worn page and read “brownies.” I constructed a mental checklist for the ingredients, as I reminisced from the delectable treat I had just consumed, clutching my tummy as it rebut…
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All comments welcome, and thank you for reviewing my short story!
. It didn't sound harsh to me at all. I know I always mix up the tenses, and so I went over it again, but I did miss those few occasions... I suck at grammer and editing my own work ^_^
