Little Miss Photogenic

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Prologue
Some people say we are in charge of the cards fate plays us. That we should make do with what we are given. Well sometimes, what you are given is never what you ask for. In addition, being selfless at just the right moment could save someone’s life, which was exactly what I planned to do. These thoughts came to me just as death itself faced me. Millions of eyes watched me, each one a different colour, each one so unique. I braced myself. My eyes opened and my body tensed. I looked to my left; a pair of violet eyes met mine. I nodded in unison with him. I turned back to face the haunting dark.
I was ready.





CHAPTER ONE

Little Miss Photogenic. At least that is what they tell me. You have no idea what it’s like always having your photo taken. All the flashing and the snapping, its sounds like some kind of animal wants to eat your pretty little face alive. After seventeen years of being “photogenic,” it gets somewhat old. I remember the first time I was told I took amazing photos. It was Christmas day; I was a young 8 years old. My oldest sister has been given a camera and I was posing while she snap, snap, snapped away. When they were developed the people working at the camera shop literally dropped the photos. Then at that very moment, those fateful words were stuttered out of a pimple covered, gangly 16-year-old girl in an ugly orange vest. “WOW. Your daughter is so photogenic…She is unbelievably stunning.” From that moment on, my parents were so proud of me; the perfect daughter, that was me, I was smart and gorgeous. So much, better then my sisters. They were left behind in the dust of my parent’s un-enthusiastic stare while I was raced ahead on a golden pedestal. It was never fair…or right. And I took it all for granted. Until that day, the day changed my life, plus the lives of so many innocent others around me.

It was like any other day. I was at the modeling agency, getting into my make-up for our first shoot of the morning. We were outside, the photographer wanted a sunrise shot, and all the beautiful colours would apparently go well with my golden, cinnamon skin. I was standing next to a small tree, its green leaves opening with the new spring morning. The green grass was full of dew and the leaves were drooping from the early morning drizzle. A light breeze was blowing my onyx black hair into a halo of dark. The sky was pink, the grass was green and I was all the colours in between. People would see these photo’s and say “Isn’t she just amazing? So…photogenic.” There we go again. That word seems to be my trademark.

Out of nowhere, a bang, so loud it shook the earth, was heard from miles away. My pedicured feet trembled beneath me and the tree’s leaves shook with the power of the roar. My golden eyes scanned the earth around me for the source of the noise. Then I saw it. A bright orange cloud of flame and dirt was hurtling toward us. Instinct kicked in and told me to run, to run as far away as possible. I sprinted over to the edge of the cliff where we were shooting on. Water, I thought. I chucked my lean frame over and out. The free falling air was terrifying yet calming. I hit the water with such a force; I sank at least five meters before I could swim again. The cool water engulfed over my body in an icy cold rush. I pushed my legs back and forth so I could surface for some sweet air. I could see the orange fireball licking at the edges of the cliff, I could see the tree I was standing at moments ago being eaten by flames, I could tell I was the only survivor. I swam around to the other side of the cliff to see if anyone else had followed me in. No one had. I was the only one with a brain it seemed, the only one in the entire beach side city. The waves knocked my body around, but I knew I had to stay in the water as long as possible. The orange cloud was making the air full of toxins, so I had to keep ducking down under water, so I did not pass out from the gas. Once my body had adjusted to the waters arctic temperature and was getting even colder, the realization sunk in; that I might be the only person left, anywhere. This epiphany made me hyperventilate, not a good thing to do while being thrown around by vicious swirls of freezing water.

I found a small cave nestled in the side of the cliff, and took refuge; the water was getting so cold I could not think straight anymore. I started a small, secure fire and slowly warmed myself up. The heat was blissful, a zing radiated from my toes to my face. I sat there and thought about what I was going to see back up on the main land. I had to brace myself for the terrors I would experience. The horrors that would now be my life. After a while, my empty stomach growled, I had not eaten for what seemed like hours. I found a piece of salty driftwood, tore off some of my dress and wrapped it around the smooth wood. I dipped it into the fire and went to search the caves for something to nourish my hunger.


The pippies and small crabs I was able to find was enough to satisfy me for tonight. Tomorrow I would climb back up the cliff and see what was left of my once unique world. I curled up in the corner, thinking of the last thing someone had said to me. And how many other things I wish they had said. It was ringing clear as a bell in my head. “Gypsy, move your head to the…Oh MY GOD! RUN!” that is what I heard, A photographers last words. It was nothing about how they love me or how they understand what im going through. As I sat there replaying the sentence in my head, tears, big and wet rolled down my silky cheek. I was so lonely it was slowly starting to eat away at my already broken soul. I lay down on the cool ground and cried my self into a night full of screams.

I woke up, sweaty and breathing erratically. The nightmare I had just experienced was so real. I was drowning, in orange water, full of the people I loved. To make it worse, they were laughing, smiling. They seemed happy that they were finally seeing me die, right in front of their eyes. I was screaming, but gargled chokes cut them off. The water filling up my lungs faster then I could stop. Just as my entire family of so-called “loved” ones was fading away and my body was almost dead, I awoke. I had never been more terrified in all my life. Sweat dripped down my forehead as I tried to calm myself down. I needed to get out and see what was left of my world. I angrily wiped the sweat away and got up. It’s only a dream. I told myself. But what I was about to experience on top of the cliff was not. I gulped and stormed out of the cave.

My anger and my fear balled up into my stomach. I grabbed onto a jagged piece of the cliff face and began my journey up. Every second I climbed up, the closer, I got to the full frontal realization that my dainty little world was gone. When I reached the top, my breathing stopped and I almost fell back over the edge of the cliff. It was gone. My world was shattered. The buildings were in piles of rubble on the ground, the soil was dug up so it faced the sun, and people, dead people, lined the sidewalks. I felt the sobs starting to rise in my chest. I hadn’t sobbed since I was five. I remembered my mother’s soft and gentle hands wiping away the frantic tears from my perfect face and her honey-like voice telling me it was going to be ok. My knees trembled and I fell to the ground, remembering I would never see my mother again. I sat there weeping for hours, just sitting. I walked over to a shell of what was a house and picked up a toy. It would have been a little girl’s doll. She probably took it everywhere with her, combed its hair, took it to bed with her. This just made me cry harder. She should have lived, not me. I was the one with a life that was lived. She was just beginning hers. There was a giant CRACK and I looked up. My tear-swollen eyes searched the horizon, a building was falling down and I watched in shock as it fell to the ground.





A faint sound broke me out of my reverie. Some one calling a name, no they were changing names. As if they were un-sure, of whom they were calling. So I wasn’t alone. I stood up and ran down the corpse littered street. Should I answer? On the other hand, should I keep to myself? Then I saw them. It was a young man, about my age. I went and hid in the rubble of one of the houses and watched him check the body’s wrists for any survivors. He was tall, had russet coloured skin and was completely gorgeous. A god in human form. His violet eyes searched the sea of bodies. He was wearing black skinny jeans and a grey and dark green jumper that complimented him nicely. His blonde-tipped cinnamon hair was in a carefully messed array, and he kept running his long fingers though it in a nervous kind of action. I cleared my throat and ran through all the conversations I had had with boys at school on Friday and tried to remember how to be a normal girl. I brushed off my dress and started to walk over to him. He noticed me walking towards him and I heard him gasp. I could see the emotions he felt written all over his beautiful face. Shock, Awe, Captivation, Anger, Surprise and something else I did not recognise. I stopped as he straightened himself out, and pulled himself to his full height. “Who are you?” the beautiful stranger asked. He sounded wary, as if he thought he was seeing a ghost. I took a fragile step closer to him before I spoke. “My name is Gypsy; I didn’t think there were any other people alive...” His full mouth went smooth and into a hard, straight line. “Well, im here. My name is Ryder.” I smiled and I heard his breathing hitch.
“What are you looking for Ryder?” He glanced up at me with his unique violet eyes and scanned me for a second before I heard his symphony-like voice again. “I... I was…I am looking for no one. Would you like to come back to my home? I have food and water.” I considered it for a second. I looked deep into his eyes, I thought I could see the fragile, broken pieces of his soul, but I knew I was only imagining it. His eye’s showed what he was really feeling, pain and sorrow. However, I could also see he was trying to hide this from me. I swallowed, I did need a place to be cleaned up & I was starving tremendously. Maybe being with him would help me rather then hinder me. “Thank You. That would be nice.” He smiled and motioned for me to follow him. He took off running and he was so fast, his shape became a blur. He disappeared when I blinked and when I blinked again he was back in front of me. “How…how...How on earth did you do that?” He laughed evilly and said “I’m not…normal. Climb onto my back, I guess I thought you were like me…I was wrong. Hold on.” I climbed up onto his muscled back and held on for my life. I put my head next to his neck and he chuckled when he heard my breathing spike with fear of the unknown. His skin was un-believably hot; it was like touching a baking tray, fresh out of the oven. He flinched when I touched him and started running.

It was so fast by the time we arrived; my head was spinning at a thousand miles an hour. I looked at my watch and we had not even finished the minute, where we started to run on. I slid down his back and landed into a multi-colour pile on the ground. “HUMPH” went the air as I touched the earth. He chuckled at the surprised look on my face, “You certainly are a character aren’t you?” I just blinked at him; his teeth were so white I was blinded. “Umm…Ryder? Where are we?” He glanced around the field we were standing in. “This is my home. Well, underneath that hatch you sitting on is my home.” He grinned and bent down to give me his hand to help me up off the ground. When I was safely out of the way, he lifted the lid off his home and walked down the wrought iron stairs. I hesitated; unsure of what I would see, what would happen to me. His face appeared while I was contemplating this and grabbed my hand. I followed, thinking it did not matter if I died no one I knew would be here to care. I gasped when I saw his home; it was like a penthouse apartment underground. It was amazing, all modern and sleek. Even my proper house I lived in with my parents was not as modern and nice as this. It was painted white, roof, walls and floor, big red sofa, glass dining table. Long white columns that held up the roofs, statues, and sculptures in every corner. Some part of my mind noticed there were no windows but I was too in awe to care. I was instantly in love, but not as in love as I was with its owner. Ryder glanced over at me wearily and cleared his throat. He was hanging his jacket up on the sleek metal coat rack; I was still gaping, my mouth hanging open like the trap door we just came through. I heard footsteps and swiveled around, just in time to crash into his perfectly sculpted arms. The air was knocked out of me and I fell to the ground. A whooshing sensation flowed through my limbs and a millisecond after I fell; I was up right again standing on my feet. “Wow. Umm thanks.” I stuttered. I knew he was just being kind and not letting me be hurt, but when his skin touched mine, a fire began. Zipping though my fingers; all the way through my body, turning me completely jelloid. He looked at me and blushed as if he knew exactly what I was feeling.
“My pleasure...uhh...Come this way. You can see your room.”
I followed his dark figure down the brightly lit corridor on the right and turned into the room he disappeared into. I walked in to a bright white room, white a glass wall, opposite me looking out to the ocean. This room was on the cliff, I though to myself, that must have been how he saw me fall…but how come I couldn’t see this? Thoughts were swirling through my head faster then I could hear them. I sauntered into the middle of them room. Not wanting to touch anything and make the white furniture unclean. Ryder appeared out of a small door to my left, near the glass wall and stopped when he saw my golden eyes wide and my eyebrows anxiously arched. He cleared his throat for the second time that night, and waited for me to calm down. “Gypsy? Is everything ok?” He said my name as if he was talking about the highest goddess and it made me tremble and turn giddier inside. I met his cautious eyes, smiling, trying to reassure him. “Yes, im just amazed. It is a lot to take in.” He chuckled and smiled. “Well, since im guessing you want to have a shower and to get some rest.” I nodded a quick, fast bob. A shower sounded fantastic right now. “I will leave you. I will not be far, just call if you need me. The bathroom is through that door.” He pointed to the room behind me and left, in two graceful strides.

After he left, I ran into the bathroom. It was all glass and had heater lights and marble floors. I quickly stripped off my rainbow dress and turned on the shower. The hot water felt amazing; I had spotted some shampoos and conditioners on my way in, so while I was washing my hair and letting the hot water relax my tired and anxious muscles, it finally hit me that I was not alone. Tears of joy ran down my newly cleaned face. I smiled to myself, and turned off the water. Im not alone anymore! Was all I could think, all I could breathe. Joy engulfed me and took me over. I wrapped a clean, fluffy white towel around my body and walked back into my room. There lying on the bed to my surprise, was a pair of faded blue jeans and a white t-shirt with a peacock on the front. I slipped them on; grateful Ryder had realized I had no other clothes to wear. Luckily, they were a perfect fit. I walked back into the bathroom and looked at myself in the floor-length mirror. I needed some make-up and a hair dryer. I opened the draw and was shocked when I found exactly what I was looking for. After a good application of make up and my onyx-black hair was straight and just the way I like it, I walked back out to the lounge room where he was waiting for me to return.

When I walked into the room, he was nowhere to be heard or seen. Just an empty room greeted me. I scanned the room, just in case. He wasn’t behind the sculpture, or the pillars, which held the roof up. I sat down on the red couch for a moment, so could think over the last conversation I had had with him, just In case there was something I was missing. “I will leave you. I will not be far, just call if you need me...” That was what he said to me. Therefore, I decided to give it a shot. “Ryder?” I called timidly out into the open space and down both of the corridors leading out of the room. Nothing, no answer from anyone. I was going to ask one more time before I would start to panic. “Ryder? Are you there? Ryder?” Then out of nowhere, a smell registered with me. It smelled fantastic, the scent was tomatoes and basil and garlic. “Down Here!” Ryder yelled and his head popped out of a room, three doors down on the left corridor. When I saw his god-like face, relief washed over me like a drug and I relaxed instantly. For some reason, knowing he was ok and not hurt was alarmingly refreshing. I smiled and walked toward him. He was in a kitchen, 2 times bigger then my massive new bedroom and completely modernly furnished. It was white and had a large stainless steel stove, glass cupboards & and island bench with four neatly placed stools along the front. There were double doors next to the cupboards, which I was guessing was an enormous pantry and a double-door fridge that was all steel and had a television screen on the front. It was all very nicely put together I though to myself as I watched him stir a sauce and strain some spaghetti. While I was busy familiarizing myself with all of the draws he went to and all of the cupboards and steaming hot bowl of spaghetti bolognaise was laid in front of me. My stomach suddenly growled a roar of pure hunger as I inhaled the delicious smell, and I picked up a fork and put some in my mouth, it tasted as good as it smelt. I had not had any food for two days so this was great. I was finished with my first bowl and was half way through my second when he just finishing his first. He laughed at my puzzled expression. “What?” I mumbled. He just laughed and put a forkful of spaghetti into his mouth. I swallowed and stuck my tongue out at him, some part of me registered that this was a very childish move but I was too hungry to care, and kept on eating. After my two bowls of pasta and one very large glass of coke, I was ready to sleep. I yawned tiredly and stretched out. My body was sore but I could see that his was not. I got up, thanked Ryder for the meal and walked out to the lounge room, sat down on the couch and flicked on the giant flat screen plasma T.V. I stretched out on the couch, and was only vaguely aware of Ryder when he came down and sat next to me. I was half-asleep when I felt him gently pick me and carry me to my room. Ryder put me on the bed, pulled the covers over me and soundlessly walked out of the room.

I woke up, what seemed like days later, after a long and restful sleep. I sat up in my bed and looked around the room. I was faintly disoriented but quickly assured myself that everything was ok, that I was not going to be harmed. Nothing had changed over night, but from the look of the sky, I could see through the glass, the sun was not to rise for hours. My empty stomach roared and I knew I would have to eat something before I woke up Ryder. I peeled back the white covers and crept out of bed to the door. I opened it and looked down the corridor; no one was there. As I tried to take a step, something furry at my feet stopped me. I looked down and screamed at the top of my lungs. It was a dog, about the size of a Great Dane, maybe a bit bigger with chocolate brown fur, but it was staring at me, but with strange and knowing violet eyes. I slammed the door shut and climbed into my bed; I lay there quivering in terror until I heard my door open and Ryder walked through, with nothing but worry on his perfect face.
“Gypsy? Are you ok? I heard you scream and I got here as fast as I could...” he trailed off, his hands searching for my face under the covers. He found me, pulled me up and cradled my shaking figure on his chest. “I...I...There was a dog...and...Oh Ryder...” I was stuttering and my sobs were making my vision shake, just as the explosion had. This memory made me cry harder. He just stroked my back and let me get it all out, not wanting to say anything that might upset me more. After a while, the sobs subsided and I lay there exhausted after the small, hurt part of me had cried her self out. He looked at me like he was in more pain then he was being cut open but when he saw my concern he reigned it in and a mask of worry flowed onto his face. “It’s fine. It is going to be ok. Do you want me to get you something to eat?” I just nodded. I could not make my mouth form the words I wanted. I was so tired, I was sure I would be asleep before he got back, but maybe eating would keep my mind off the creature I was confronted with, a creature from my darkest nightmares. He looked at me and stroked my cheek. “I’ll be right back. Don’t move.” I watched his figure glide out through the door and disappear into the endless night.

My skin was still charged with electricity where he touched my cheek. I was reveling in the sensation; letting it flow through me, so I could, just maybe, forget the animal. Five minutes passed and Ryder returned with a hot cup of cocoa and a big piece of chocolate cake. He layed it out in front me, when he saw my confused look, my frantic eyes darting from him to the cake, he spoke. “My grandfather, he used to look after me, and whenever I was scared, he gave me some chocolate cake, you know, because of the endorphins. And the fact it just tastes great.” A sheepish grin came onto his angelic features. I forced a smile, I was still too shaken to be able to think straight, but knowing this was the response he wanted, I tried my best. He seemed to notice this but did not say anything. I picked up a piece of the cake and nibbled at the corner. He was right. It did taste great. I chugged down the scalding hot cocoa, and scarffed down the cake, the cake was warm and soothed the burning sensation the cocoa had left. He sat there and watched me, in utter disbelief someone as small as me could eat so much in such a short period. I smiled at him, he just smiled and shook his head, as if he was laughing at an inside joke. My amber eyes narrowed and he just laughed louder. I was a bit annoyed at him by this point, so I thanked him and announced that I was going to need my sleep, hoping to get rid of him. Even though I was terrified of having to sleep alone, and that monster might come back, I was so irritated I just wanted him gone. He just nodded, snorting and sniggering, as if I had just told the funniest joke of the entire year and not realized it. It finally got too much for me to handle. “WHAT is your problem?” I screeched. He laughed for a second longer then his beautiful face became one of sincere apology and calm. “I’m sorry. You just make me laugh.” I was furious when my voice ripped two octaves higher. “How!? How am I so funny Ryder?” My hands were clenched into fists and my breathing was getting faster with every angry breath. “I am sorry. I just haven’t seen any other people in a long time, and your expressions...” he trailed off when he saw I was still glaring at him. “Please forgive me for being so rude, I don’t know what came over me.” His lilac eyes searched my face, they were so sincere and sorry, I forgot everything I had been mad about, and I almost forgot to breathe. I could hear my heart beating faster and faster, it was so loud I was sure he would think I had a heart condition. He just smiled and cupped my face with his burning hot hand, and I could not help myself but to rest my head there and to close my eyes. His skin smelt of something, so beautiful a fragrance, companies should not sell it. It smelt like the woods, and another smell that was not sweet or sour, or spicy or musky. It was so unique it astounded me. I inhaled it a moment longer, and he gently slid his hand away. I sighed, but I was drained from the shock so I did not protest aloud. “You’re tired; I shall let you sleep now.” I opened my mouth, about to say I was too scared alone, but my expression must have said it for me. “I won’t leave ill stay.” He went and sat on the big armchair in the corner and draped a cream blanket of fur over him. I watched Ryder with wary eyes, trying to convince myself that I was not going to have to spend the night alone. When I was sure he was not going to leave, I lay down and let my tired eyes rest.



Write a reply and tell me what you think, all comments welcome. This is my first story too so comments are great XD.




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each one a different colour, each one so unique.

You should say each set, or each pair. Each one being different gives me the image of lots of people with two different coloured eyes, or a bunch of cyclops.

I liked the prologue, it was intriguing enough to make me want to know why.
I was a young 8 years old.

Get rid of 'young'. You have stated she's eight. That's enough, 'young' doesn't fit. It makes your sentence awkward.

So much, better then my sisters.

You don't need that comma. What you should do, is read your story aloud and put commas where you naturally want to pause, and full stops at the end of an idea. Even better is to get someone else to read it to you, to see how others interpret it. This also catches out awkward phrasings and badly structured sentences.
A light breeze was blowing my onyx black hair into a halo of dark.


There are better ways to describe things then saying 'onyx-black' or 'raven-dark' etc. This sentence is better if you just remove this entirely:
A light breeze was stirring my halo of dark hair.
Or
My hair was a halo of dark, stirring in the wind.
Or
A light breeze stirred my hair into a dark halo.

See what I mean?
People would see these photo’s and say “Isn’t she just amazing?

Take out the apostrophe in photos.
Check this out-
viewarticlebody.php?t=35798
It's a good little article on how to use apostrophes.

My pedicured feet trembled beneath me and the tree’s leaves shook with the power of the roar.

She's a model. We assume her feet are well looked after. The pedicured feet bit seems a tad cheesy.

My golden eyes scanned the earth around me for the source of the noise.

>< I still don't like the whole 'My golden eyes...' thing. I would prefer you just gave a description- maybe when she is looking in the mirror, and have done with it. I think that may be just personal preference, though.

The cool water engulfed over my body in an icy cold rush.

As Snoink mentioned in chat, you have three words for cold in this sentence. You don't have to repeat yourself.

I could see the tree I was standing at moments ago being eaten by flames, I could tell I was the only survivor.

How could she tell? I would prefer it if it was differently phrased. Maybe: "No one could have survived that." Otherwise you have two sentences starting with "I could.", and you should try to use different sentence structures where possible.
I was the only one with a brain it seemed, the only one in the entire beach side city.

That's a bit harsh! She only just made it, and she was right on the cliff XD
The orange cloud was making the air full of toxins, so I had to keep ducking down under water, so I did not pass out from the gas.

Okay, she can't hide from toxins underwater, she would drown, no? Even if she just didn't want to breathe, she could hold her breath above water, and then she could retain her sight.
Once my body had adjusted to the waters arctic temperature and was getting even colder,

Was her body getting colder? Or the water? Clarify.
the realization sunk in; that I might be the only person left, anywhere.

Why would she think that? She doesn't even know what hit the city, or if it effected other cities. Other people could have been swimming at the time, in their bomb shelters renovating (it could happen!) Or up on a mountain above the toxins and fire. It seems illogical to decide that without seeing the city.

I started a small, secure fire and slowly warmed myself up.

How? Did she have flint with her? Is she a smoker? Was their dry wood around, that wasn't burning? Why weren't the toxins killing her?
and wet rolled down my silky cheek.

Because she's narrating, this make her sound conceited. Do you really think about the silkiness of your cheek when you are crying in terror? It makes her seem.... small-minded.

wiping away the frantic tears from my perfect face

Same deal.
me it was going to be ok.

Use full words. So 'okay'.

Then I saw them.

'them' implies plural. I would suggest replacing with 'him'.
I did need a place to be cleaned up & I was starving tremendously.


Use 'and'.

“How…how...How on earth did you do that?”

I think you should add what she was thinking at this moment. It would back up her astonishment. I would be reeling if I saw that! ^_^

I climbed up onto his muscled back and held on for my life.

Really? Why? I wouldn't trust him. It seems a bit unrealistic she would just climb on without another reason then he told her to.

I followed, thinking it did not matter if I died no one I knew would be here to care.

I would think that a scary thought, wouldn't you? If he was a psycho tormenting killer, no-one would be there to save her...

I was instantly in love, but not as in love as I was with its owner.

0.0 she doesn't even know what he is! If she is really that in love, you should take the time to describe why the attraction is so hard and fast, apart from the fact he's gorgeous.
He said my name as if he was talking about the highest goddess and it made me tremble and turn giddier inside.

I think you can make this sentence more compact, more effiecent and more effective, by removing 'he was talking about the' and replacing it with 'I was'. Hence:
He said my name as if I was the highest goddess, and it made my body tremble and my mind turn giddy.

I'm a believer of the economy of words. The shortest way is often the most effective, unless you are experienced in how to structure sentences and create effective descriptions.



After a good application of make up and my onyx-black hair

Don't keep repeating what her hair and eyes look like. It's unnecessary and annoys me, to be honest.

He was in a kitchen, 2 times bigger

Write out your numbers. It looks more proffesional.
It was all very nicely put together I though to myself as I watched him stir a sauce and strain some spaghetti.

You should probably put a comma in after myself, and say watching. I think this would make it flow better:

It was all very nicely put together I thought to myself, watching him stir a sauce and strain some spaghetti.

and I picked up a fork and put some in my mouth, it tasted as good as it smelt.

You don't need 'and put some in my mouth'. That's what you do with forks and food.
I swallowed and stuck my tongue out at him, some part of me registered that this was a very childish move but I was too hungry to care, and kept on eating.

This is a long sentence. Try to keep one idea to a sentence. So you could put a full stop after 'out at him.'

Nothing had changed over night, but from the look of the sky, I could see through the glass, the sun was not to rise for hours.

You said there was no windows?

not wanting to say anything that might upset me more.

How does she know that? When you are writing first person, you should only include things she would know personally.
He looked at me like he was in more pain then he was being cut open but when he saw my concern he reigned it in and a mask of worry flowed onto his face.

You need some commas here. Read it aloud, put commas in where you pause. You should have an 'if' in between then and he, so it's '....more pain then if he was...' and you should replace 'and a mask...' with 'to be replaced by a mask...' to me, it sounds more professional.

For your first story, you are doing amazingly well. You should have seen my first one! In fact you can, it's in my portfolio. 'Tamia's quest original'. If you read it, try not to laugh too hard.
With a little tweaking, you have a solid story here, with some potential. What you should do is keep her thoughts going, even through conversations, to show how she reacts to this guy. I for one would be freaked out by some burning hot super fast mutant with a huge dog, (or is the dog LOL) so why isn't she?
A little background on where she lives near the start could help too, to set the scene. Remember, you are trying to put your reader in the story, like a movie but with smells and taste and touch as well.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me, or ask in chat. I'll be glad to help. ^_^
It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes my face ache.




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^_^ As I'm reading this through for the first time, I just want to point out my delight in finding certain sentences and lines that actually rhyme quite nicely. Hehe, they're like little gems scattered throughout your writing! ^_^

Ehhh. >_< Well, I really like the story -- I like the plot and the setting and all the different directions you might go with it, but there are a few things that bother me that are mostly in the second half of the story. >_< Firstly, Ryder's great speed and hot body temperature are rather reminiscent of Twilight and that's what first pops into my mind {a mixture of Edward and Jacob}. I don't know if you intended this or if you've even read the series, but you still might want to be aware of that.

Also, the way that you describe Ryder, though biased through the main character, is really rather bland. You say 'god-like', 'perfect', and 'angelic' in descriptions of his different features, but these descriptions kind of put me off. >_< I'd love it if you could find a way to describe his actions that would appeal more to the reader and allow him/her to identify more with the narrator in that way. ^_^

There are a few reoccurring grammatical errors that keep popping up, so I'm just going to point out a few of them and leave the heavy editing to you! ^_^

I looked deep into his eyes, I thought I could see the fragile, broken pieces of his soul, but I knew I was only imagining it.


This, my friend, is called a comma splice! You have two complete, independent sentences that you've connected only with a comma. It happens a number of times in the rest of the piece as well. What you need to do with comma splices is either use a conjunction after the comma, break the sentence into its two separate parts, or connect them with a semi-colon. Also, remember that if one part of the sentence starts with an introductory phrase like 'since' or 'when', it's dependent and won't need to be separated from the other part! ^_^

His eye’s showed what he was really feeling, pain and sorrow.


Here is a sentence where you'll need to use a colon. Since you have a full sentence before you start the list, you're able to use a colon after 'feeling' rather than a comma, because that way we know that pain and sorrow are what he was feeling rather than 'what he was really feeling, what he was really pain, and what he was really sorrow'. Also, as mentioned, you don't need the apostrophe there. ^_^

“Yes, im just amazed. It is a lot to take in.” He chuckled and smiled. “Well, since im guessing you want to have a shower and to get some rest.”


Also, I'm sure you know this already, but you'll need to replace this kind of 'im' with 'I'm'.

I think that if you cleaned it up a little bit and made sure to watch out for the times where the narrator over-steps her boundaries as a first-person narrator {as mentioned in the last review, I think}, you'll be all set to continue a wonderful story!

Good work, and welcome to YWS~ <3

-Hannah-




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The buildings were in piles of rubble on the ground, the soil was dug up so it faced the sun, and people, dead people, lined the sidewalks.

This sentence had a few things in it I’d like to mention:
Try saying the soil was turned up to face the sun.
The way you said it makes me think a bunch of people woke up in the middle of the night to dig.
and people, dead people, lines the sidewalks.

I think this part should be reconsidered. Seeing dead people lining the streets shouldn’t be so easy for her to describe. You made it seem like she see’s it everyday.
Maybe say and the people, lifeless people who’s eyes once shone upon the same world I loved and was so familiar with lined the sidewalks.
It will make that image more emotional, yes her crying afterwards shows it’s hard but revising that sentence will really paint the picture of how emotional her situation is.

I remembered my mother’s soft

“I remember” is a very common thing to say.
Try something like the image of my mother’s soft..

I sat there weeping for hours, just sitting.

Yes we know you’re sitting, you said that at the start of the sentence.
Instead of repeating something that you wrote a second ago try telling us how you are sitting, lifeless, horror struck.. Etc.

This just made me cry harder

Once again not strong enough.
Tears pushed their way out puncturing my eyes with the devastation I found myself in. She should have lived, not me.
That sounds more powerful.

I cleared my throat and ran through all the conversations I had had with boys at school on Friday and tried to remember how to be a normal girl.

I had with the boys at school on Friday
No need to repeat yourself, it makes sense with just one "had"

I brushed off my dress and started to walk over to him.

How did she walk to him? Eager? Cautions? Readers want to know how she's acting what the character's behaviour is, I couldn't picture her just running out in this situation, it's too risky.

I could see the emotions he felt written all over his beautiful face.

I could see the emotion he felt, it was written all over his beautiful face.
Or
The emotion he felt was written all over his beautiful face.
That sentence seemed choppy.

Gypsy? I was curious why you picked that name? =]

Well, underneath that hatch you sitting on is my home.

Well, underneath that hatch you're sitting on is my home.

The part where she falls and he catches her is a great touch, I love your style so far!
This Ryder character you’re writing has made me totally abandon my thoughts about Edward Cullen. Props to you for that. I’m a big Twilight fan.

I walked in to a bright white room, white a glass wall, opposite me looking out to the ocean

Did you mean with a glass wall?

This room was on the cliff, I though to myself, that must have been how he saw me fall…but how come I couldn’t see this?

I’m curious these facts are flowing right or I'm just confused ha-ha, how did he see her? When she met him he said he wasn’t looking for anybody. So why would she think he saw her fall.
Also when you first come into his house she says there are no windows, since there are windows in her room and in the kitchen have her walk into her bedroom and say something about it.


I walked back out to the lounge room where he was waiting for me to return.
When I walked into the room, he was nowhere to be heard or seen. Just an empty room greeted me.

If he was waiting for her why did she enter an empty room?
Try: I walked back out to the lounge room where I suspected he would be waiting for me.

It smelled fantastic, the scent was tomatoes and basil and garlic

Try and really expand on things like this, even though they are small they can really paint a picture for the reader and make the story even better.
Maybe mention how it reminded her of her mothers cooking?
The human senses can be your best friend when drawing in a reader so really use it!
So far you’re doing great! I love it, I’m eating it all up and I can’t wait to read more!

He was in a kitchen, 2 times bigger then my massive new bedroom and completely modernly furnished.

“completely modernly furnished.” Wow a tongue twister.
I think it’s safe to say that we all think his extravagant hatch back home is complete so you don’t need to say it’s “completely modernly furnished.”
He was in a kitchen, two times bigger than my massive new bedroom. Like the rest of the seamless house it’s modern character flowed gracefully like Ryder himself.

I had not had any food for two days so this was great.

"I had no had" Try correcting that by rearranging the sentence.
It had been two days since i had a real mean (since she did eat in the cave).
Maybe talk about that too, talk about her last meal, or the meal in the cave and contrast it with the meal he made her.

I was finished with my first bowl and was half way through my second when he just finishing his first. He laughed at my puzzled expression. “What?” I mumbled. He just laughed and put a forkful of spaghetti into his mouth.

He laughed. “What?” I mumbled. He shrugged me off with another amused laugh, raising a forkful of spaghetti into his mouth.
Consider not saying why he laughed the first time because it sounds weird when she asks “what” after because you already answered the question, it was her puzzled expression and the reader would assume her hunger also made him laugh.
For the second time Ryder laugh I showed you a revised option because it was too repetitive.

I got up, thanked Ryder for the meal and walked out to the lounge room, sat down on the couch and flicked on the giant flat screen plasma T.V. I stretched out on the couch, and was only vaguely aware of Ryder when he came down and sat next to me.

This was way unnatural. If the world just exploded on you and this beautiful guy brought you back to his hatch home AND gave you a room, cleaned you up and feed you would you just get up without talking to him and go to his couch and turn on his TV? I think not.
My body was sore but I could see that his was not. I thanked Ryder for the meal slowly resting my head in my hands facing myself towards him. The muscles in my eyes started to give out embarrassingly while I tried to speak. I was half-asleep when I felt him gently pick me and carry me to my room. Ryder put me on the bed, pulled the covers over me and soundlessly walked out of the room.
Fiddle with that scenario it makes more sense and is still shows that cute part where he carries her to bed.

Nothing had changed over night, but from the look of the sky, I could see through the glass, the sun was not to rise for hours.

That makes no sense.
You don’t need to say you can see through the glass because obviously if you’re looking at the sky you can see through the glass.

My empty stomach roared and I knew I would have to eat something before I woke up Ryder. I peeled back the white covers and crept out of bed to the door. I opened it and looked down the corridor; no one was there. As I tried to take a step, something furry at my feet stopped me.

Like I said before you wouldn’t just be helping yourself so to make it seem like a realistic thing maybe consider what happens here.
My empty stomach roared screaming for my attention. I tiptoed into the kitchen, pleased to find Ryder one step ahead of me, an empty bowl, a box of cereal and a small spoon was set out on the counter. I peeled back the oversized fridge searching for some milk. As I tried to take a step, something furry at my feet stopped me.
This makes her seem less rude.

This is an amazing story so far, I WOULD LOVE TO READ MORE.

Few more things. Their relationship seems really close but im assuming you're developing that and once there is more it will flow and won't matter.
“I...I...There was a dog...and...Oh Ryder...”

I'm confused too, was their actually a dog there? Because she never really asked about it and he never explained.

GREAT GREAT GREAT job with setting up a plot and developing the story. There were a few other mistkes and errors but once you read over it I'm sure you'll find them.

PM if you have any questions.
I'd love to read more too! So as soon as you have more PM me=]

-Telina




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I really liked the way you set up your story, just watch out for the commas.
Justine-Rock




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Hey there. I'm not going to go into huuuuge detail here, but I felt the need of giving you a review.

Reading through this, there are a lot of significant similarities to Twilight and that bothers me. It doesn't matter whether or not I like Twilight, but there are far too many similarities. His 'god in human form'ness, his 'perfectly sculpted body' in which Gypsy 'crashes into'. The way you repeat how each characters eyes are like; honestly, love, a lot of it sounds like it comes directly from Twilight itself. Plus a mix of The Host here and there.

I don't wish to hurt your feelings, but this story's sadly unoriginal. It truly sounds like it belongs in the Fan Fiction area. It doesn't matter who the author is, you've got to be creative and unique sounding. To me, all I see is Stephenie Meyer when I read this, and that isn't good. You shouldn't be able to tell who the inspiration for a story is by reading a story.

I do think, however, that you really are a good writer, and an even better one in the works! You've got all the basics down, and you can describe things well, minus the overly dramatic and emphasized bits. You just need to work on the originality of your ideas, and you'll be well on your way. ;)

-Holly
eviscerate your fragile frame
spill it out in ragged form
a thousand different versions of yourself.




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Hello, Looks good... I shall review!

First of all, what you have here is a preface, not a prologue.
These thoughts came to me just as death itself faced me. Millions of eyes watched me,

Too many "me"'s Don't you agree?

It was like any other day.

Sounds a little cliche, you might as well take it out.

I could see the orange fireball licking at the edges of the cliff, I could see the tree I was standing at moments ago being eaten by flames, I could tell I was the only survivor.

You say 'I could see' and 'I could tell' too much here, just make it one quick sentence, or get rid of the 'I could tell/see' and make it three short sentences.

the only one in the entire beach side city.
What about all of the other parts of the beach? How do you know?

The orange cloud was making the air full of toxins, so I had to keep ducking down under water, so I did not pass out from the gas.


should be...

The orange cloud was making the air full of toxins, which meant I had to keep ducking down under water. I didn't want to pass out from the fumes.

I found a piece of salty driftwood, tore off some of my dress and wrapped it around the smooth wood. I dipped it into the fire and went to search the caves for something to nourish my hunger.

Shouldn't everything be wet? Drift wood and the dress?

Oh MY GOD! RUN!” that is what I heard, A photographers last words.

You have the 'h' in 'Oh' lower case, change that. The 't' in 'that' should be capital. Maybe abbreviate the 'that is, which should be 'that was'.
Also, the 'A' in 'A photographers' should be lower case.

It was nothing about how they love me[COMMA HERE] or how they understand what [s]im[/s]I'm going through.


I gulped[COMMA HERE] and stormed out of the cave.


It was so fast by the time we arrived;

This doesn't make sense.

That's all I could find, you just have to watch the commas and capitals. I would suggest putting it through MS word, and just correcting all of the grammar and spelling there. Good story, though it did seem to be a little like Twilight, and the underground house in a cliff seemed a little unbelievable. You have good technique, but just watch the grammar! (I would also say that she's being a llittle too trusty of the superhuman, how he is absolutely perfect in every way.)
::XoX::KeepWriting::XoX::

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Writing is 3% talent and 97% not being distracted by the internet




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You might want to make him a little believable. He's prefect, well, no one's perfect! Maybe he could not be that attractive and his home is full of old stuff. I don't know. It's just too unbelievable. Why isn't she terribly sad that her parents died? Why did her parents name her Gypsy?

Sorry, I'm not trying to be mean.

You should break up your paragraphs like this:
Prologue

Some people say we are in charge of the cards fate plays us. That we should make do with what we are given. Well sometimes, what you are given is never what you ask for. In addition, being selfless at just the right moment could save someone’s life, which was exactly what I planned to do.

These thoughts came to me just as death itself faced me. Millions of eyes watched me, each one a different colour, each one so unique. I braced myself. My eyes opened and my body tensed. I looked to my left; a pair of violet eyes met mine. I nodded in unison with him. I turned back to face the haunting dark.

I was ready.

CHAPTER ONE

Little Miss Photogenic. At least that is what they tell me. You have no idea what it’s like always having your photo taken. All the flashing and the snapping, its sounds like some kind of animal wants to eat your pretty little face alive. After seventeen years of being “photogenic,” it gets somewhat old.

I remember the first time I was told I took amazing photos. It was Christmas day; I was a young 8 years old. My oldest sister has been given a camera and I was posing while she snap, snap, snapped away.

When they were developed the people working at the camera shop literally dropped the photos. Then at that very moment, those fateful words were stuttered out of a pimple covered, gangly 16-year-old girl in an ugly orange vest. “WOW. Your daughter is so photogenic…She is unbelievably stunning.”

From that moment on, my parents were so proud of me; the perfect daughter, that was me, I was smart and gorgeous. So much, better then my sisters. They were left behind in the dust of my parent’s un-enthusiastic stare while I was raced ahead on a golden pedestal. It was never fair…or right. And I took it all for granted. Until that day, the day changed my life, plus the lives of so many innocent others around me.

It was like any other day. I was at the modeling agency, getting into my make-up for our first shoot of the morning. We were outside, the photographer wanted a sunrise shot, and all the beautiful colours would apparently go well with my golden, cinnamon skin. I was standing next to a small tree, its green leaves opening with the new spring morning.

The green grass was full of dew and the leaves were drooping from the early morning drizzle. A light breeze was blowing my onyx black hair into a halo of dark. The sky was pink, the grass was green and I was all the colours in between. People would see these photo’s and say “Isn’t she just amazing? So…photogenic.” There we go again. That word seems to be my trademark.

Out of nowhere, a bang, so loud it shook the earth, was heard from miles away. My pedicured feet trembled beneath me and the tree’s leaves shook with the power of the roar. My golden eyes scanned the earth around me for the source of the noise. Then I saw it. A bright orange cloud of flame and dirt was hurtling toward us. Instinct kicked in and told me to run, to run as far away as possible.

I sprinted over to the edge of the cliff where we were shooting on. Water, I thought. I chucked my lean frame over and out. The free falling air was terrifying yet calming. I hit the water with such a force; I sank at least five meters before I could swim again. The cool water engulfed over my body in an icy cold rush. I pushed my legs back and forth so I could surface for some sweet air.

I could see the orange fireball licking at the edges of the cliff, I could see the tree I was standing at moments ago being eaten by flames, I could tell I was the only survivor. I swam around to the other side of the cliff to see if anyone else had followed me in. No one had.

I was the only one with a brain it seemed, the only one in the entire beach side city. The waves knocked my body around, but I knew I had to stay in the water as long as possible. The orange cloud was making the air full of toxins, so I had to keep ducking down under water, so I did not pass out from the gas.

Once my body had adjusted to the waters arctic temperature and was getting even colder, the realization sunk in; that I might be the only person left, anywhere. This epiphany made me hyperventilate, not a good thing to do while being thrown around by vicious swirls of freezing water.

I found a small cave nestled in the side of the cliff, and took refuge; the water was getting so cold I could not think straight anymore. I started a small, secure fire and slowly warmed myself up. The heat was blissful, a zing radiated from my toes to my face. I sat there and thought about what I was going to see back up on the main land.

I had to brace myself for the terrors I would experience. The horrors that would now be my life. After a while, my empty stomach growled, I had not eaten for what seemed like hours. I found a piece of salty driftwood, tore off some of my dress and wrapped it around the smooth wood. I dipped it into the fire and went to search the caves for something to nourish my hunger.

The pippies and small crabs I was able to find was enough to satisfy me for tonight. Tomorrow I would climb back up the cliff and see what was left of my once unique world. I curled up in the corner, thinking of the last thing someone had said to me. And how many other things I wish they had said. It was ringing clear as a bell in my head. “Gypsy, move your head to the…Oh MY GOD! RUN!” that is what I heard, A photographers last words.

It was nothing about how they love me or how they understand what im going through. As I sat there replaying the sentence in my head, tears, big and wet rolled down my silky cheek. I was so lonely it was slowly starting to eat away at my already broken soul. I lay down on the cool ground and cried my self into a night full of screams.

I woke up, sweaty and breathing erratically. The nightmare I had just experienced was so real. I was drowning, in orange water, full of the people I loved. To make it worse, they were laughing, smiling. They seemed happy that they were finally seeing me die, right in front of their eyes. I was screaming, but gargled chokes cut them off.

The water filling up my lungs faster then I could stop. Just as my entire family of so-called “loved” ones was fading away and my body was almost dead, I awoke. I had never been more terrified in all my life. Sweat dripped down my forehead as I tried to calm myself down. I needed to get out and see what was left of my world. I angrily wiped the sweat away and got up. It’s only a dream. I told myself. But what I was about to experience on top of the cliff was not. I gulped and stormed out of the cave.

My anger and my fear balled up into my stomach. I grabbed onto a jagged piece of the cliff face and began my journey up. Every second I climbed up, the closer, I got to the full frontal realization that my dainty little world was gone. When I reached the top, my breathing stopped and I almost fell back over the edge of the cliff. It was gone. My world was shattered.

The buildings were in piles of rubble on the ground, the soil was dug up so it faced the sun, and people, dead people, lined the sidewalks. I felt the sobs starting to rise in my chest. I hadn’t sobbed since I was five. I remembered my mother’s soft and gentle hands wiping away the frantic tears from my perfect face and her honey-like voice telling me it was going to be ok.

My knees trembled and I fell to the ground, remembering I would never see my mother again. I sat there weeping for hours, just sitting. I walked over to a shell of what was a house and picked up a toy. It would have been a little girl’s doll. She probably took it everywhere with her, combed its hair, took it to bed with her. This just made me cry harder. She should have lived, not me.

I was the one with a life that was lived. She was just beginning hers. There was a giant CRACK and I looked up. My tear-swollen eyes searched the horizon, a building was falling down and I watched in shock as it fell to the ground.

A faint sound broke me out of my reverie. Some one calling a name, no they were changing names. As if they were un-sure, of whom they were calling. So I wasn’t alone. I stood up and ran down the corpse littered street. Should I answer? On the other hand, should I keep to myself? Then I saw them.

It was a young man, about my age. I went and hid in the rubble of one of the houses and watched him check the body’s wrists for any survivors. He was tall, had russet coloured skin and was completely gorgeous. A god in human form. His violet eyes searched the sea of bodies. He was wearing black skinny jeans and a grey and dark green jumper that complimented him nicely.

His blonde-tipped cinnamon hair was in a carefully messed array, and he kept running his long fingers though it in a nervous kind of action. I cleared my throat and ran through all the conversations I had had with boys at school on Friday and tried to remember how to be a normal girl.

I brushed off my dress and started to walk over to him. He noticed me walking towards him and I heard him gasp. I could see the emotions he felt written all over his beautiful face. Shock, Awe, Captivation, Anger, Surprise and something else I did not recognise.

I stopped as he straightened himself out, and pulled himself to his full height. “Who are you?” the beautiful stranger asked. He sounded wary, as if he thought he was seeing a ghost. I took a fragile step closer to him before I spoke.

“My name is Gypsy; I didn’t think there were any other people alive...” His full mouth went smooth and into a hard, straight line.

“Well, im here. My name is Ryder.” I smiled and I heard his breathing hitch.

“What are you looking for Ryder?” He glanced up at me with his unique violet eyes and scanned me for a second before I heard his symphony-like voice again.

“I... I was…I am looking for no one. Would you like to come back to my home? I have food and water.” I considered it for a second. I looked deep into his eyes, I thought I could see the fragile, broken pieces of his soul, but I knew I was only imagining it.

His eye’s showed what he was really feeling, pain and sorrow. However, I could also see he was trying to hide this from me. I swallowed, I did need a place to be cleaned up & I was starving tremendously. Maybe being with him would help me rather then hinder me.

“Thank You. That would be nice.” He smiled and motioned for me to follow him. He took off running and he was so fast, his shape became a blur. He disappeared when I blinked and when I blinked again he was back in front of me. “How…how...How on earth did you do that?”

He laughed evilly and said “I’m not…normal. Climb onto my back, I guess I thought you were like me…I was wrong. Hold on.” I climbed up onto his muscled back and held on for my life. I put my head next to his neck and he chuckled when he heard my breathing spike with fear of the unknown. His skin was un-believably hot; it was like touching a baking tray, fresh out of the oven. He flinched when I touched him and started running.

It was so fast by the time we arrived; my head was spinning at a thousand miles an hour. I looked at my watch and we had not even finished the minute, where we started to run on. I slid down his back and landed into a multi-colour pile on the ground. “HUMPH” went the air as I touched the earth.

He chuckled at the surprised look on my face, “You certainly are a character aren’t you?” I just blinked at him; his teeth were so white I was blinded.

“Umm…Ryder? Where are we?” He glanced around the field we were standing in.

“This is my home. Well, underneath that hatch you sitting on is my home.” He grinned and bent down to give me his hand to help me up off the ground. When I was safely out of the way, he lifted the lid off his home and walked down the wrought iron stairs. I hesitated; unsure of what I would see, what would happen to me. His face appeared while I was contemplating this and grabbed my hand.

I followed, thinking it did not matter if I died no one I knew would be here to care. I gasped when I saw his home; it was like a penthouse apartment underground. It was amazing, all modern and sleek. Even my proper house I lived in with my parents was not as modern and nice as this. It was painted white, roof, walls and floor, big red sofa, glass dining table. Long white columns that held up the roofs, statues, and sculptures in every corner.

Some part of my mind noticed there were no windows but I was too in awe to care. I was instantly in love, but not as in love as I was with its owner. Ryder glanced over at me wearily and cleared his throat. He was hanging his jacket up on the sleek metal coat rack; I was still gaping, my mouth hanging open like the trap door we just came through.

I heard footsteps and swiveled around, just in time to crash into his perfectly sculpted arms. The air was knocked out of me and I fell to the ground. A whooshing sensation flowed through my limbs and a millisecond after I fell; I was up right again standing on my feet.

“Wow. Umm thanks.” I stuttered. I knew he was just being kind and not letting me be hurt, but when his skin touched mine, a fire began. Zipping though my fingers; all the way through my body, turning me completely jelloid. He looked at me and blushed as if he knew exactly what I was feeling.

“My pleasure...uhh...Come this way. You can see your room.”

I followed his dark figure down the brightly lit corridor on the right and turned into the room he disappeared into. I walked in to a bright white room, white a glass wall, opposite me looking out to the ocean. This room was on the cliff, I though to myself, that must have been how he saw me fall…but how come I couldn’t see this?

Thoughts were swirling through my head faster then I could hear them. I sauntered into the middle of them room. Not wanting to touch anything and make the white furniture unclean. Ryder appeared out of a small door to my left, near the glass wall and stopped when he saw my golden eyes wide and my eyebrows anxiously arched.

He cleared his throat for the second time that night, and waited for me to calm down. “Gypsy? Is everything ok?” He said my name as if he was talking about the highest goddess and it made me tremble and turn giddier inside. I met his cautious eyes, smiling, trying to reassure him.

“Yes, im just amazed. It is a lot to take in.”

He chuckled and smiled. “Well, since im guessing you want to have a shower and to get some rest.” I nodded a quick, fast bob. A shower sounded fantastic right now. “I will leave you. I will not be far, just call if you need me. The bathroom is through that door.” He pointed to the room behind me and left, in two graceful strides.

After he left, I ran into the bathroom. It was all glass and had heater lights and marble floors. I quickly stripped off my rainbow dress and turned on the shower. The hot water felt amazing; I had spotted some shampoos and conditioners on my way in, so while I was washing my hair and letting the hot water relax my tired and anxious muscles, it finally hit me that I was not alone.

Tears of joy ran down my newly cleaned face. I smiled to myself, and turned off the water. Im not alone anymore! Was all I could think, all I could breathe. Joy engulfed me and took me over. I wrapped a clean, fluffy white towel around my body and walked back into my room.

There lying on the bed to my surprise, was a pair of faded blue jeans and a white t-shirt with a peacock on the front. I slipped them on; grateful Ryder had realized I had no other clothes to wear. Luckily, they were a perfect fit.

I walked back into the bathroom and looked at myself in the floor-length mirror. I needed some make-up and a hair dryer. I opened the draw and was shocked when I found exactly what I was looking for. After a good application of make up and my onyx-black hair was straight and just the way I like it, I walked back out to the lounge room where he was waiting for me to return.

When I walked into the room, he was nowhere to be heard or seen. Just an empty room greeted me. I scanned the room, just in case. He wasn’t behind the sculpture, or the pillars, which held the roof up. I sat down on the red couch for a moment, so could think over the last conversation I had had with him, just In case there was something I was missing. “I will leave you. I will not be far, just call if you need me...” That was what he said to me.

Therefore, I decided to give it a shot. “Ryder?” I called timidly out into the open space and down both of the corridors leading out of the room. Nothing, no answer from anyone. I was going to ask one more time before I would start to panic. “Ryder? Are you there? Ryder?”

Then out of nowhere, a smell registered with me. It smelled fantastic, the scent was tomatoes and basil and garlic. “Down Here!” Ryder yelled and his head popped out of a room, three doors down on the left corridor. When I saw his god-like face, relief washed over me like a drug and I relaxed instantly.

For some reason, knowing he was ok and not hurt was alarmingly refreshing. I smiled and walked toward him. He was in a kitchen, 2 times bigger then my massive new bedroom and completely modernly furnished. It was white and had a large stainless steel stove, glass cupboards & and island bench with four neatly placed stools along the front.

There were double doors next to the cupboards, which I was guessing was an enormous pantry and a double-door fridge that was all steel and had a television screen on the front. It was all very nicely put together I though to myself as I watched him stir a sauce and strain some spaghetti.

While I was busy familiarizing myself with all of the draws he went to and all of the cupboards and steaming hot bowl of spaghetti bolognaise was laid in front of me. My stomach suddenly growled a roar of pure hunger as I inhaled the delicious smell, and I picked up a fork and put some in my mouth, it tasted as good as it smelt.

I had not had any food for two days so this was great. I was finished with my first bowl and was half way through my second when he just finishing his first. He laughed at my puzzled expression. “What?” I mumbled. He just laughed and put a forkful of spaghetti into his mouth. I swallowed and stuck my tongue out at him, some part of me registered that this was a very childish move but I was too hungry to care, and kept on eating.

After my two bowls of pasta and one very large glass of coke, I was ready to sleep. I yawned tiredly and stretched out. My body was sore but I could see that his was not. I got up, thanked Ryder for the meal and walked out to the lounge room, sat down on the couch and flicked on the giant flat screen plasma T.V.

I stretched out on the couch, and was only vaguely aware of Ryder when he came down and sat next to me. I was half-asleep when I felt him gently pick me and carry me to my room. Ryder put me on the bed, pulled the covers over me and soundlessly walked out of the room.

I woke up, what seemed like days later, after a long and restful sleep. I sat up in my bed and looked around the room. I was faintly disoriented but quickly assured myself that everything was ok, that I was not going to be harmed. Nothing had changed over night, but from the look of the sky, I could see through the glass, the sun was not to rise for hours.

My empty stomach roared and I knew I would have to eat something before I woke up Ryder. I peeled back the white covers and crept out of bed to the door. I opened it and looked down the corridor; no one was there. As I tried to take a step, something furry at my feet stopped me. I looked down and screamed at the top of my lungs.

It was a dog, about the size of a Great Dane, maybe a bit bigger with chocolate brown fur, but it was staring at me, but with strange and knowing violet eyes. I slammed the door shut and climbed into my bed; I lay there quivering in terror until I heard my door open and Ryder walked through, with nothing but worry on his perfect face.

“Gypsy? Are you ok? I heard you scream and I got here as fast as I could...” he trailed off, his hands searching for my face under the covers.

He found me, pulled me up and cradled my shaking figure on his chest. “I...I...There was a dog...and...Oh Ryder...” I was stuttering and my sobs were making my vision shake, just as the explosion had. This memory made me cry harder.

He just stroked my back and let me get it all out, not wanting to say anything that might upset me more. After a while, the sobs subsided and I lay there exhausted after the small, hurt part of me had cried her self out. He looked at me like he was in more pain then he was being cut open but when he saw my concern he reigned it in and a mask of worry flowed onto his face.

“It’s fine. It is going to be ok. Do you want me to get you something to eat?” I just nodded. I could not make my mouth form the words I wanted. I was so tired, I was sure I would be asleep before he got back, but maybe eating would keep my mind off the creature I was confronted with, a creature from my darkest nightmares. He looked at me and stroked my cheek. “I’ll be right back. Don’t move.” I watched his figure glide out through the door and disappear into the endless night.

My skin was still charged with electricity where he touched my cheek. I was reveling in the sensation; letting it flow through me, so I could, just maybe, forget the animal. Five minutes passed and Ryder returned with a hot cup of cocoa and a big piece of chocolate cake.

He layed it out in front me, when he saw my confused look, my frantic eyes darting from him to the cake, he spoke. “My grandfather, he used to look after me, and whenever I was scared, he gave me some chocolate cake, you know, because of the endorphins. And the fact it just tastes great.”

A sheepish grin came onto his angelic features. I forced a smile, I was still too shaken to be able to think straight, but knowing this was the response he wanted, I tried my best. He seemed to notice this but did not say anything. I picked up a piece of the cake and nibbled at the corner. He was right. It did taste great.

I chugged down the scalding hot cocoa, and scarffed down the cake, the cake was warm and soothed the burning sensation the cocoa had left. He sat there and watched me, in utter disbelief someone as small as me could eat so much in such a short period. I smiled at him, he just smiled and shook his head, as if he was laughing at an inside joke.

My amber eyes narrowed and he just laughed louder. I was a bit annoyed at him by this point, so I thanked him and announced that I was going to need my sleep, hoping to get rid of him. Even though I was terrified of having to sleep alone, and that monster might come back, I was so irritated I just wanted him gone.

He just nodded, snorting and sniggering, as if I had just told the funniest joke of the entire year and not realized it. It finally got too much for me to handle. “WHAT is your problem?” I screeched. He laughed for a second longer then his beautiful face became one of sincere apology and calm.

“I’m sorry. You just make me laugh.” I was furious when my voice ripped two octaves higher.

“How!? How am I so funny Ryder?” My hands were clenched into fists and my breathing was getting faster with every angry breath.

“I am sorry. I just haven’t seen any other people in a long time, and your expressions...” he trailed off when he saw I was still glaring at him. “Please forgive me for being so rude, I don’t know what came over me.”

His lilac eyes searched my face, they were so sincere and sorry, I forgot everything I had been mad about, and I almost forgot to breathe. I could hear my heart beating faster and faster, it was so loud I was sure he would think I had a heart condition.

He just smiled and cupped my face with his burning hot hand, and I could not help myself but to rest my head there and to close my eyes. His skin smelt of something, so beautiful a fragrance, companies should not sell it. It smelt like the woods, and another smell that was not sweet or sour, or spicy or musky. It was so unique it astounded me.

I inhaled it a moment longer, and he gently slid his hand away. I sighed, but I was drained from the shock so I did not protest aloud. “You’re tired; I shall let you sleep now.” I opened my mouth, about to say I was too scared alone, but my expression must have said it for me. “I won’t leave ill stay.”

He went and sat on the big armchair in the corner and draped a cream blanket of fur over him. I watched Ryder with wary eyes, trying to convince myself that I was not going to have to spend the night alone. When I was sure he was not going to leave, I lay down and let my tired eyes rest.


Smaller paragraphs are easier for the reader than larger ones.

Hope this helped!

MJ
Writing once a day keeps the voices away, and I've created a blog all about it: Daily Dose.
...and I'm now trying to create a user group based on the idea! Tell me if you're interested!




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Ok, I can barely make heads or tails of this. Many of the paragraphs are so long I can't begin to take it apart.

In the last paragraph, you have a whole conversation without ever seperating things. Instead of saying

“WHAT is your problem?” I screeched. He laughed for a second longer then his beautiful face became one of sincere apology and calm. “I’m sorry. You just make me laugh.”

It should look like

"WHAT is your problem?" I screeched.

He laughed for a second longer, and then his beautiful face became one of sincere apology and calm.

"I'm sorry," he said. "You just make me laugh."

Do you see how much more fluid and easier to read that is?

Go through it, try reading it aloud, and make it easier to read.

Sorry if this sounds to hostile. It's just hard to read, that's all

Byers
Authos give life to their characters,
and characters give life to the author



Everything has a consequence and every consequence leads to death.
— kattee