Emily Arbor

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from what you told me, this was something you did a while back, and you just kind of threw it out there. i think it has some potential, though. the only real problem i see is the lack of expansion on the characters and their story. it seems like the mother and the maid are simply figures that are being placed in the story and being used without actually having a purpose. what are they really like? do/did they grow? the idea of the short plot itself is something to be thought about, too. for a while, there didn't seem to be any real story (sorry), but at the end there is a place mentioned, this Asylum 29. i really wanna know what that is! what do they do? what is the fate of poor emily arbor? does the father care or not? etc.!

the only other thing i noticed (far less important) is that you switch between using full and first names. i don't know what to do with that, though. it's kind of wierd if everyone is called by their full names all the time, but when it happens it seems in an awkward place or something. i don't know...

as if the big blue eyes of the child that stood before him persuaded him to attach the name.

Wow, terrific. Not many people I know can write that kind of description and do it well.

Vince Arbor, on the other hand, was a real piece of work. He was a general in the military, though his assignments were always rather mysterious, and so was extremely well-disciplined and rarely showed emotion. He was the luckiest man in the world to have Jane... and he never realized it. She had married him because she saw something in him, a spark of his former self, that she thought needed to resurface, but his emotions and his heart were locked too tightly for her to release in her short time on Earth.

This was just remarkable - I could actually see the General standing there, looking all tough and indifferent. :] Also, I loved the way you still tied in his connection with his wife after you described her, it's obvious that she's still important to both of them even after her death.

For a few months, Vince took care of Emily, or attempted to.

I don't know if you exactly need the comma after months.

a wandering maid or two to attempt to care of her,

I think this should either be "To take care of her" or "To care for her".

she was only seven years old,

I wanted to add that I loved how you only put this in later rather than starting out with "EMILY WAS SEVEN AND SHE WAS A VERY CUTE GIRL AND...."
stuff like that. It was refreshing to have been able to guess a little beforehand. :]


I really wish I had more to tell you, and I'm sure if you posted more there might be maybe ONE more grammatical error. But honestly, I couldn't find anything wrong with it. I'm sorry I can't be of more assistance, but you really are doing a great job. I hope I can read more of this later on!