The Pastel Unicorn: Chapters 6 and 7

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Chapter Six
Arrival

The long, six-hour drive could not have passed by more slowly, and Emily hated every minute of it. She tried to stay quiet, wanted it to pass silently. But Samantha kept trying to talk to her. Asking questions, telling her about all the wonderful things they would do once they arrived. Emily did her best to keep her responses short and sweet, hoping Samantha would run out of things to talk about. But her pauses never lasted for more than a minute.

As often as she could, Emily stared out the window. It was interesting to see the way the land seemed to move. The closer it was to the bus, the faster it seemed to move. Of course that was ridiculous. An optical illusion. Emily knew that the land always moved at the same speed, no matter where you were.

Emily’s favourite thing to look at was cows. Every so often, the bus would pass by a field filled with dozens of the grazing beasts. Most of them were brown, rather than black and white, like the ones on TV. They were slow, lumbering creatures, but gentle and friendly. In all the stories Emily had read, if there was a cow in it, the cow could never be bad.

“We’re almost there.”

The words pulled Emily from her reverie. Her mind shifted back to reality. “What?” she said, still only half-aware of the people around her.

“I said we’re almost there,” Samantha repeated. “We’ll be there in about ten minutes.”

“Oh,” Emily said, a little bewildered as the reality of the situation sunk in. No more hiding.

Samantha leaned closer to Emily. “Don’t be afraid. You’ll have fun here. I promise.”

Emily looked up and said, “Okay.” It had become an automatic response to anything she didn’t like, but lacked the courage to argue. Her mother and father had figured it out. But this woman didn’t know, so she just accepted it, and left Emily alone for the remainder of the trip.

As the final ten minutes of the drive went by, Emily felt something sick growing in her stomach. It was going to be horrible, she knew that these two weeks were going to be horrible. Like the first two weeks of grade one. Horses. She just had to keep her mind focused on the thought of meeting the horses soon.

Suddenly, there was a crunching, crackling noise coming from beneath the bus. Emily looked out the window to see that the bus was pulling into a gravel parking lot. Along with the buses that had left from Emily’s school, there were six other buses, and a few cars. The place was swarming with kids. It was like the front of the school, only worse, because this crowd was three times larger, and would continue to grow throughout the day.

The bus came to a halt. Samantha stood up at the front of the bus, clipboard and pen in hand, and started giving introductions. Everyone would gather in the main building, in the room that served as a cafeteria, auditorium, and indoor activity room. There, the kids would be split up into groups of twenty or thirty kids. These groups would share a cabin, and do most of their group activities together. “And remember, these groups will also serve as your team for the Junior Olympics.” At this statement, there was a huge uproar of applause and shouting from everyone. Everyone but Emily, that is.

“All right, let’s go.” Samantha stepped aside as the kids practically flew out of the bus. Once they were all gone, she extended her hand to Emily. Emily looked up with uncertain eyes. But Samantha smiled at her with such genuine affection that Emily could not refuse the offer. She took the young woman’s hand, and followed her into the building.

Once in the building, Emily began to panic. It was as big as a king’s throne room, only not so beautiful. She didn’t know why, but she knew that there was something dangerous about this place. She clung to Samantha’s hand even more tightly. Samantha was dangerous too, but at least she would not allow Emily to get lost.

“It’s all right,” Samantha said. “There’s no reason to be scared. I’ll help you find your cabin leader.”

Emily nodded, following close, trying to tune out the dozens of chattering voices. Samantha led her to another young woman holding a clipboard. “Hi, Maria,” Samantha said.

Maria smiled. “Hey! How are you?”

“Great.” Samantha looked down at Emily, then at Maria. “We’re lookin’ for this one’s cabin leader. Emily McLean.”

Maria looked over the list on her clipboard. “Aha!” she said, checking off Emily’s name. “You’re the last one on my list. All right, girls, let’s go!” There was a sudden cheer from about twenty other eight-year-old girls.

Samantha released Emily’s hand and began to walk away. “I’ll see you at dinner, Emily,” she said.

“Where are you going?” Emily asked.

“I have to gather my own cabin group. Bye.” Samantha smiled, waved, and walked away.

Emily stood there for a moment, her arms hanging limply by her sides, deciding what to do.

“Emily, come on! Hurry up!” Maria, who was halfway to the door, shouted. There was a chorus of girls saying “yeah,” and “hurry up” that followed. Emily began to run to catch up with the group, but halted when she noticed that she still hadn’t fixed her shoes and socks. She dropped to fix them as fast as she could, not wanting a confrontation on her first day.

“What took you so long?” moaned one of the girls when Emily finally caught up with the rest of thr group.

Emily looked at her feet. “I . . . um . . . I had to tie . . . my laces,” she stammered, almost inaudibly.

“It’s all right,” Maria said. “We’re not exactly in a big hurry. Once you girls get settled in our cabin, and everyone’s chosen a bunk, you’ll have a couple of hours to explore before we have to meet back here for the barbeque.”

As the group made the short trek to their cabin, Emily decided to hang back so everyone else would be in front of her. Although she hated there, she had to admit that the landscape was beautiful. The photos in the brochure had not done it justice. In some areas, the grass was short and dry, while in others it was tall and lush, the kind that tickled you as you lay in it. By the lake, wild flowers of every colour sprouted every few feet. Its only blemish was the log hut that probably housed gear for canoeing, and the dock where about a dozen canoes were tied. Not too far off were the woods. And who knew what treasures awaited everyone in there?


Chapter Seven
Unicorn

The group arrived at the cabin. Maria opened the door and said, “Here we are. This’ll be your home for two weeks.” She continued holding the door open as the girls walked in. Closing the door, she said, “The one by the door is mine. You can have any bunk you want but that one, and I’m not settling any arguments about who gets the top bunk.”

Emily was quick in deciding what bunk she wanted. The cabin wasn’t like her room, too brown and dull, but at least she was going have one thing that she liked at home. A window by her bed. It was always more pleasant when she could wake up with the sun’s rays. For a moment, she wondered why none of the girls were trying to take the bunk away from her. But this was a new group of girls, and they didn’t know that Emily was different.

She was smoothing out her blanket when one of the girls called to her, “Emily, we’re gonna go exploring in the woods. You wanna come?”

At first, Emily just stared at the girl. Why was she inviting her? For the same reason she wasn’t trying to make Emily give up the bunk she had chosen. “No, it’s okay,” she said. Just stay away from them and it won’t be like at school.

“Okay,” the girl said with a shrug. “Come on, Jody.” And they ran out of the cabin.

Emily waited for everyone to leave. Maria was sitting on her bunk, reading. Emily’s heart sank, knowing that someone else was allowed to have a book.

“Maria,” she said.

Maria looked up. “Yes,” she said.

“In the brochure, they said there was horseback riding. Can you show me where the stable is?”

She closed her book and hopped off the bunk. “Sure, no problem.” Standing by the door, she pointed across the field. “See that big barn? Right next to the white fence?”

“Yep,” Emily said, nodding.

“When the horse aren’t out being walked, or ridden, they’re in that building.”

Emily nodded again. “Will they let me in without a cabin leader?”

“I think so. They usually leave the doors open so the people who work with the horses can go in and out easily.”

“Okay.”

And with that, she started walking to the stable. The walk was nice. It was good to finally get to walk in such a fairy-tale-like environment on her own. She could only imagine how beautiful this place must have been before they had started building the camp. It would have been so much better. But would she ever have gotten to see it if the camp had never been built?

When she reached the stable, as Maria had said, the doors were open. Emily peeked inside, making sure no one was in there. What if Maria was new? What if she didn’t know all the rules? Emily didn’t want to cause any trouble. She let out a heavy sigh of relief when she saw that there were no people in there.

The building was open at both ends like a tunnel. Along each side were doors and walls that kept the horses separate. But what if they wanted to talk to each other? Emily wondered. She stepped slowly, getting a good look at each horse. Most were various shades of brown, and there was one black one. At the very end was the white one. Emily was drawn to it as soon a she saw it.

“Hello,” she said, looking up at what she decided was a truly magical creature. The horse made a small noise that probably didn’t mean anything, but Emily thought it was saying hello

She went to touch the horse, but discovered that she was too short. If she stretched, she’d be able to feel its breath on her hand, but that wasn’t good enough. She looked around for a stool or a box she could stand on, and found a small stepladder by the door. This time, when she reached out, she half expected it to back away. This horse didn’t know her. Why should it trust her? But it didn’t do anything. It just let her do what she wanted.

Emily smiled, knowing that this was a very special horse.

“Now, what’s going on in here?”

Emily turned her head and gasped when she saw a man in tight jeans and a loose brown shirt, like the ones they wore in Westerns. Oh on! Emily thought.

“Don’t look so scared, dear. You just took me by surprise. I wasn’t expecting any kids in here until tomorrow.”

“M-maria . . . m-my cabin leader said . . .”

“It’s all right, honey. I don’t mind that you’re in here.” The man came up to her and leaned against the wall with crossed arms. As he looked from the horse to Emily, she noted his scraggly hair, and stubbly face. “Well, now, it looks like someone made a new friend. These guys won’t let just anyone touch them.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah. Unicorn must really like you.”

At the sound of that word, Emily staggered, filled with excitement. So much so that she nearly fell off the stepladder.

“Careful, now,” the man said. “You don’t want to hurt yourself, do you?” He took Emily in his strong hands, lifted her up off the stepladder and put her on the ground.

Emily smoothed out her skirt, looked up at the man, then the horse. “Its name is really Unicorn?”

“Yes, ma’am. I raised this one myself. Known him since he was born.” He stroked the horse’s mane, gazing at him with admiration. “It was a tricky birth, and we weren’t sure if he’d make it through the night. But he did. So when it came to naming him, I knew we couldn’t give him any ordinary name. It had to be special. And unicorns are just like horses, only a little more magical.”

“I think unicorns are the most magical things there are,” Emily said, certain that this man would not think it strange to believe in such things.

“So do I,” the man said, as plainly as if he was saying that he also liked pancakes for breakfast.

They stood there silently for a moment. Emily felt awkward, and a little embarrassed for even considering making a statement in front of someone she didn’t know. Even so, she felt she could trust this man.

Before she could say anything, the man spoke again. “Well, now, I think it’s time we introduced ourselves properly. My name is Charlie. I’m the local Horse Whisperer around here. What’s your name?” He offered Emily his hand.

Emily was hesitant to take his hand, but did anyway. “My name is Emily.” Charlie’s hand was dry and rough, and so big that it nearly swallowed Emily’s tiny hand. “What’s a Horse Whisperer?”

Charlie released his grip on Emily’s hand and sat on the stepladder. “It means I understand what horses are saying, and they understand me. We work together just as good and two people.”

“So you can talk to horses?”

“I guess you could say that.”

“Wow.” Emily’s eyes went wide with wonder. A man who could talk to horses! Only someone with real magic could do something like that. She knew that much, and told Charlie so.

Charlie laughed, and shook his head, but not in a teasing way. “I never heard anyone put it that way, but I suppose it’s true. There’s a whole lot more to this world than what we can see and hear, that’s for sure.” He placed his hands on his knees and pushed himself to his feet. “Well, my dear, you feel free to stay here as long as you like, though I think they’ll be expecting you at the barbecue. I’m gonna be there, too, but there are some things I need to take care of first. It was a pleasure meeting you.”

“You too,” Emily said

With that, Charlie walked away.

Emily could hardly contain her excitement. For a while, all she could do was stand there and look at Unicorn, wondering what he might say if she could understand him. City cats and birds were easy to talk to. They never thought of much more than playing games, chasing mice, and the weather. But what did horses think about? They were far smarter than any cat, that was for sure. Emily had once met a cat who would pounce on bits of garbage if it blew a little in the wind, thinking that it was some sort of animal it would be able to eat.

Emily moved the stepladder so she could sit on it while still looking at Unicorn. “I didn’t really want to come here, you know,” she told him. “My mommy told me about it on my birthday. I thought she was being really mean, and I thought coming here would be really scary. It was at first, but now it’s okay. I think tomorrow I’m gonna go into that forest and see what’s there. But really, the only reason I came was because Daddy told me there were horses here.” For a brief moment, she thought she saw Unicorn wink at her. “This place isn’t so bad, knowing that you guys are here.”

And Emily went on like that. Just talking about anything that came to her. She talked about the animals that lived in her neighbourhood, her favourite books and movies, and the sorts of things she liked to do when she wasn’t reading, or watching movies. She gave detailed descriptions of her bedroom, the park, and her favourite things to see at the museum. “Mommy’s got a membership, so we can go whenever we want,” she explained. “When I go home, there’s going to be this special exhibit of Inuit stuff. You know, the people who live up north.”

At mentioning going home, Emily began to feel very lonely. She missed her animals, and wanted to know what would happen in the next book in The Chronicles of Naria. She started telling this to Unicorn. School was a topic she did not like talking about, but felt that Unicorn would understand. “I hate it,” she said. “I hate the other kids. They do stuff . . .” She told him about all the sorts of things that went on at school. As she did, a sad look seemed to cross Unicorn’s face.

“Are you still here?” came a voice from the entrance of the stable.

Emily turned her head, and saw Charlie standing there. “Yeah,” she said. “I was just talking to Unicorn.”

Charlie smiled. “Well, come on, now. They’ll be expecting us at the barbecue any minute.”

Until that moment, Emily hadn’t realized how hungry she was. But now she began to feel the emptiness in her stomach. They’d left so quickly that morning, and she’d been so scared anyway, that she hadn’t been able to eat a crumb. They’d stopped for lunch during the drive, but she hadn’t been able to eat that much then, either, just enough to keep Samantha satisfied. As much as she wanted to stay with Unicorn, she just had to eat something.

Getting up, and walking to the entrance she took Charlie’s hand. “Will you sit with me and my cabin group?”

“Sure, why not?”

The barbecue was nice enough. Before they started serving the food, all of the staff members were introduced, including Charlie. As hungry as Emily was, though, she still did not eat much. She just could not keep her mind off Unicorn. All of the girls in her cabin group were fascinated by Charlie, and kept asking him questions about the horses. He told them everything, except about being able to talk to them, and about how special Unicorn was. That wasn’t the sort of thing you shared with just anyone.

After everyone was done eating, some cabin leaders decided to organize some games, while others chose to get into a bug circle to sing campfire songs. Emily’s was one of the groups that wanted to join the singing.

Just as she was about to sit down, though, Charlie said, “Well, darlin’, it was a pleasure meeting you. I look forward to riding with you and Unicorn.”

“You’re going?” Emily asked, wide-eyed. “No, Charlie, don’t!”

“Sorry, hon, I gotta go give the horses their feed now.”

Emily looked at the ground, accepting defeat. The horses had to eat, just as much as she did. “Okay,” she said, and sat down with the rest of her group.

As they were singing, even though they chose a lot of fun songs, Emily could hardly hear it. Charlie made her feel safe. They shared a secret, something nobody else knew. It made her feel happy, knowing how special Unicorn was.

Games and songs went on until the sky began to grow dark. Moans and groans sounded throughout all the different groups when they were told that it was time to go to bed. Emily, on the other hand, was happy at the thought of going to sleep. Apart from meeting Unicorn and Charlie, it had been a rotten day, and Emily was relieved that it was finally over.

That night, though, she could not get to sleep. The mattress was way too firm, and the pillow was too flat. But more than that, it was cold, and there were strange noises outside the window. It was as if Emily could hear every little sound, from every little insect, to every little leaf that rustled in the wind. How could anyone sleep here? she wondered. Exhaustion did, however, overpower the noise and discomfort. Just as Unicorn looked in the window.


Please, please. I want to know what you think I'm doing right, not just where it needs improvement.
Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"




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I'm in work at the moment so I printed this out. I'll get back to you as soon as I've read it :)




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The opening paragraph is good. The pace throughout the two chapters is perfect, not too fast or too slow.

"The closer it was to the bus, the faster it seemed to move...Emily knew that the land always moved at the same speed, no matter where you were."


I don't think you should leave these sentences in. They are a little confusing. I mean, land doesn't move. I know what you're trying to say but maybe you should say it differently?

The dialogue is great throughout the whole thing as is the narration. You could do with adding a little more description though.

You give a good insight into Emily's thoughts and feelings. Try and expand on this a little more but not too much.

"Samantha stood up at the front of the bus, clipboard and pen in hand, and started giving introductions."


I think you meant instructions.

"Emily felt something sick growing in her stomach."


I think you should change this also. Maybe say something like "Emily's stomach churned" or something like that.

"There, the kids would be split up into groups of twenty or thirty kids."


Leave out the second "kids".

"At this statement, there was a huge uproar of applause and shouting from everyone. Everyone but Emily, that is."


I like these sentences, they show the contrast between Emily and ordinary children.

"She didn't know why, but she knew that there was something dangerous about this place...Samantha was dangerous too"


How is the camp dangerous? How can she just know that its dangerous? These sentences seem a little odd or out of place or something... :?

"By the lake, wild flowers of every colour sprouted every few feet. Its only blemish was the log hut that probably housed gear for canoeing, and the dock where about a dozen canoes were tied. "


Here we go! This is what you need more of...good description! :) But maybe you shouldn't put two of the word "every" in the first sentence.

' "So do I," the man said, as plainly as if he was saying that he also liked pancakes for breakfast.'


I like this sentence, it has a touch of humour. :D

"Exhaustion did, however, overpower the noise and discomfort. Just as Unicorn looked in the window."


I was a little confused by these last sentences. Did she fall asleep and then Unicorn looks in her window?

Overall, these were two beautiful chapters. Its a really, how should I put it...'cute' story. Ideal for younger readers. Your have good narration and dialogue. The only thing you need to add is a little more description and It should be perfect. I didn't like this story too much at first, but I do now. Its really nice. Looking forward to reading more! :D




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Thank you SO much. This is exactly the type of crit I like to see, but so few know how/want to give. It tells me what I'm doing wrong in a way that doesn't make me feel dumb, but also tells me what I'm doing right.
Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"




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Your welcome! And thanks again for donating those points to me! :D

Its so easy to pick out all of the negative things when reading people's stories. So I tried picking positive and negative things. Its good to be told what you're doing right because then you'll remember to continue doing those things...
Gotta go!
Akisha :mrgreen:




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*shakes head*
I never did finish this book.
Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"




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that was like beautiful.

i think this is perfect for the kind of audience it's for imaginative and fun.

it's got a certain thrill to it also.



Ghosts, demons, and ghouls cannot scare the cat's underling.
— TheMulticoloredCyr