Abuse

A soft, silent whimper touched the edges of her swollen lips. Tear marks stained her fragile face, and a sticky, salty sweat stretched across her cheeks. She opened her mouth to breath in some air, but found herself choked by an involuntary swallow. The mirror only made things worse as the ugly black bruise beneath her right eye was impossible to ignore. She looked away, an impossibly sad expression visible in her puffy, red eyes. The bruises on her face would disappear after a time, but she knew that the scar that had been left on her heart would not fade as easily.

“I'm sorry,” her father had said for the hundredth time. She would not look at him, much less talk to him. “I was drunk,” he had claimed, as if the fact made a difference. Every time it happened he would apologize, but each apology seemed more empty.

“Where's mommy?” Those were the words that would slip out of her mouth as she cried herself to sleep every night. But she knew that her mother would never return, for the road to her home was a one way street. She had considered following it more than once, but the small hope that her life would turn brighter kept her alive. And all of those vain, self-centered people that scurried the streets like cockroaches without a purpose seemed not to notice, or care, or both.

The shallow people seemed to pass her by as they studied the clothes on the shop windows, and the movie stars on the billboards. And to what end? Those who she had once called her friends had deserted her. Perhaps it had been her fault; perhaps she had driven them away. But they seemed foreign, almost unrecognizable. She didn't care, she could not relate to them because those trivialities that interested them were hollow. Besides, she thought, they probably enjoy themselves more while I am not there to distract them.

The soft rustle of the autumn leaves could be heard above her muffled sobs. The salty taste of her tears began to fade as the wind gathered. The tears began to dry on her cheeks, stinging her face with cold, hard brutality. Her long brown hair blew into her eyes, and she closed them in frustration. Even nature seemed to be against her.

She could never tell how long it was before she allowed her eyes to open. The bench felt sturdier somehow. The park felt calmer and perhaps slightly more serene. She allowed her eyes to travel over the abstruse scenes that only minutes before had seemed so shallow. The trees' whisper was calming somehow. She brought her eyes down to the bench, and realized another pair of legs had found its way to the usually abandoned corner of the park.
“I don't know what I'm supposed to say,” the soft voice beside her said. “What do you want me to say, Jenny?”
“Nothing,” she said, her voice shook even as she said the words. She felt an arm settle around her shoulder, just holding it there. She didn't protest, but not another word was spoken between her, and her companion, a person she had once considered her friend. And after a few more moments of silence, Jenny decided that she would like to once again to consider her companion a friend.

That night, she faced her father. He was drunk once again. But this time, although her other eye was blackened, her heart felt warm.

And after a few more moments of silence, Jenny decided that she would like to once again to consider her companion a friend.

This was the only mistake I found. I would take out one of the 'to's, my suggestions is the first one after 'she would like..'
*****

That night, she faced her father. He was drunk once again. But this time, although her other eye was blackened, her heart felt warm

.
You had so much detail at the beginning, that the ending seemed to end to quickly, with less thought and effort put out in the beginning. Just because she had a friend, she was changed? You can't elaborate on that? The transition between the climax and ending was to abrupt, in my opinion.

Other than those two small points. I saw no other mistakes in grammar. You did an excellent job showing the reader instead of just telling us. Great job. Keep it up.

This was a great piece. I really enjoyed it. The despair Jenny feels really jumps off the page, er screen.
I liked how you described other people from her point of view, how their interests were so petty compared to what she was facing.

Although I didn't like at the end how vague it was. I was confused, her father was her companion right... or not? Maybe you could make that easier to understand. But also if he is the companion and he is drunk, then why is he asking her what he should say? That sounds a little too sober for me.

The last sentence also confused me too. Why is her heart warm again? You never really give a reason. Elaborate?

But again I really did like this. Keep up the good work. :]

Aha! It was really good. Excellently written, and spectacular description!

A soft, silent whimper touched the edges of her swollen lips. Tear marks stained her fragile face, and a sticky, salty sweat stretched across her cheeks. She opened her mouth to breath in some air, but found herself choked by an involuntary swallow.

Loved it.

The mirror only made things worse as the ugly black bruise beneath her right eye was impossible to ignore.

The 'as' doesn't read right to me. I would suggest either replacing it with a semicolon or a -- .

The bruises on her face would disappear after a time

Change 'after a time' to 'eventually.'

But she knew that her mother would never return, for the road to her home was a one way street

I liked the metaphor.

But they seemed foreign, almost unrecognizable

Change it to: 'But they seemed foreign; unrecognizable.' It eliminates the extra baggage in the sentence.

Besides, she thought, they probably enjoy themselves more while I am not there to distract them.

Her thoughts should be italicized.

The bench felt sturdier somehow. The park felt calmer and [s]perhaps slightly [/s] more serene. She allowed her eyes to travel over the abstruse scenes that only minutes before had seemed so shallow. The trees' whisper was calming somehow.

The 'perhaps slightly' reads awkward. Change the second 'calm' to 'soothing.'

Jenny decided that she would like to once again [s]to[/s] consider her companion a friend.

Get rid of the second 'to.'

Overall: I enjoyed it. It was well written, especially the descriptions. The resolution was strange; the story ended with little description. You should make the part where her friend sits with her longer, so that the reader can see the transition in your character and understand her. Also, it is confusing as to if the companion is her father or one of the superficial friends she used to have. By making the ending a little longer (perhaps a paragraph) you could improve it a lot. It was great, however.

To Jasmine, SilverSunlightX and to avorpianikness,

Thanks so much for your your reviews, they are much appreciated. You all pointed out that my ending was extremely brief, so I think I will extend it. Also those nitpicks were all very helpful. Thank you all for helping me to improve my story.

Have a good one!

This is a really awesome short story. There were only two things I didnt like about it, and they were pretty much really minor.


The first thing was the 'pair of legs'. I feel like you should elaborate further on that. When I first read it, I thought it was her father. Was it her father? I don't know.

The second thing was the ending. It was great, don't get me wrong, but the rest of the story flowed so greatly and then, BAM, it was wrapped up in one scentence. If you could maybe add in something about her walking home, or maybe some thoughts she was having i wouldnt feel so abrupt.

Otherwise, this story was great, and I really liked it!

I honestly don't think there's much i can say to improve this! So I'll just give my opinion on a few things

yrclever wrote:The shallow people seemed to pass her by as they studied the clothes on the shop windows, and the movie stars on the billboards. And to what end? Those who she had once called her friends had deserted her. Perhaps it had been her fault; perhaps she had driven them away. But they seemed foreign, almost unrecognizable. She didn't care, she could not relate to them because those trivialities that interested them were hollow. Besides, she thought, they probably enjoy themselves more while I am not there to distract them..

I thought that this was very effective, you were able to relate to your character very well.

yrclever wrote:Besides, she thought, they probably enjoy themselves more while I am not there to distract them..

I loved this, the fact that so many can relate to how she feels, and how she thinks to push others away because of her own troubles (at least i think that's what you wanted the reader to think).

yrclever wrote:That night, she faced her father. He was drunk once again. But this time, although her other eye was blackened, her heart felt warm.

This line, although others thought it a short ending, i thought it was still very effective, i wanted to hug Jenny, and she's just a character!

I hope this helped! Although i doubt it made much sense

Good. You describe things well in the body paragraphs. The way the pauses of the story line seem to bounce like a song really held me as I read along. Although I only found two parts that I felt could have been done better.

i.e

"And all of those vain, self-centered people that scurried the streets like cockroaches without a purpose seemed not to notice, or care, or both."

I felt that you can due away with the second or after "care," so it reads out more smoothly then feeling as if your trying to get over mole hills to the end of the sentence, kinda roughh sounding you know, plus it just sounds better.

second:

I didn't like the ending. The forgiveness and the warmth and all that jazz. Sounds fake and exagerated. Something I would hear from a day time talk show. I feel alot is missing at the end. It carries on so well from the start but when it gets to the end I found it disapointing.

Hallo! Here to review. xD

Here we go.

Tear marks stained her fragile face, and a sticky, salty sweat stretched across her cheeks.

I think you can take out "a" before sticky.

she could not relate to them because those trivialities that interested them were hollow.

I think it should be "the" trivialities. ^^

OVERALL:

First of all, let me say I like this piece for its reflective nature. Second, I can say that I like this piece. It's short, simple, powerful and effective. ^__^

Jenny seems mature for her age, though. That's all.

I know it's a little short, but I hope this helped.

I really like your descriptions because they were extremely vivid. It was a little confusing when she was sitting on the bench with her friend though. I wasn't quite sure who was who. Jenny seems mature but I think that it fits her situation because she had to grow up to deal with all of this. Another thing I liked was how well her emotions were played out. The ending seemed to go to fast and stop the flow of the story.
I hope this helped.

Oh, it's so good, your descriptions are awesome. A very well written piece. I didn't understand the part about her mother, though. Was she dead or had sheleft her.
And its very interesting how you describe her perception of the world, since she had suffered from her father's addiction. You managed to transmit the emotions that Jenny had to the reader. Because with all the descriptions of the background and her feelings, the reader can easily imagina or get into the story.
This was very interesting and well written.
Hope you keep writing.

A soft, silent whimper touched the edges of her swollen lips. Tear marks stained her fragile face, and a sticky, salty sweat stretched across her cheeks. She opened her mouth to breath in some air, but found herself choked by an involuntary swallow.

I loved this! The decription was amazing.

Overall:

Your short story/novel is really good. You give great descriptions, I hope you keep on writing.

Wow! That was a really good story! Every thing flowed perfectly together=]. I didn't see any mistakes. Your a good writer. I was wondering do you have any more stories?

--Jessie.

Master_Yoda wrote:The mirror only made things worse as the ugly black bruise beneath her right eye was impossible to ignore. She looked away, an impossibly sad expression visible in her puffy, red eyes.

I noticed you used the word 'Impossible' twice. It sounded a little off to me.
The story, I found, was quite depressing. Though in a strange way, I enjoyed every moment of it. The plot and wording was very nicely worded and useful to the reader. They can really catch onto the plot early on.

]Wow. That was exquisite, and the feelings are definitely true. It's a somewhat common scenario, but portrayed in a way that makes it seem like she is very alone in the world, and that's how people who are hurt by the ones who should love them feel. Your story is heartbreaking in such a perfect way.

I only found a few tiny discrepancies.

She didn't care ; she could not relate to them because those trivialities that interested them were hollow.

The trees' whisper was calming somehow.

I think it might be better to write something along the lines of "The trees' whispers were calming" because there are many trees, so they would have many whispers. I would also take out the "somehow" because you used it in the exact same way with the park bench.

I really do love this piece.