This cant be the end

This is my first story on here please tell me how it sound to you this will also be my senior project which is to finish a story well here it goes



Prologue

“Brittany push, come on you can do it”, her doctor coaxed her to keep on pushing. Brittany took a deep breath and gave it all she had. She looked around her all she saw were nurses and her mother. She never knew child birth would be this must torture. She wished her ex-boyfriend, James, would have been there holding her hand instead of her mother. For a moment she could actually picture him there. In her mind, she knew it was only an illusion, but in her heart she truly wished he was there. If only she could talk her mother into letting him comes.
Brittany kept hearing her doctor say “give it one big last push”. She took a deep breath and gave it all she had. She screamed in agony and threw her head back. Then she heard the first sound of her baby crying. She smiled and rested her head back on her bed. She heard them play the song; they played every time a child was born. Her doctor cut her umbilical cord and wrapped her baby in a blanket and gently put him in her arms. Her doctor told her she had a baby boy. She smiled at him and she knew exactly what she was going to name him, Jalyn Desean Smith.

Chapter 1
Brittany sat outside of the hospital holding Jalyn, waiting for her mother to come and get them. She saw her mother black Honda turns into the hospital. She had Jalyn face covered with a blue blanket. Her mother got out of her car and opened the back door. She took Jalyn and carefully placed him in her car and opened the back door. She took Jalyn and carefully placed him in his car seat. Brittany slowly stood up and grabbed her purse and his diaper bag and sat in the front seat. She was still sore and winced as she sat down. Her mother got into the car and drove off. She saw her nurse go back into the hospital with the wheel chair she was just in.
Brittany turned on the radio. She didn’t turn it up too loud, because Jalyn had just gone to sleep. She looked around her. She still couldn’t believe her mother made her move to Georgia. She didn’t know anybody here. She missed Alabama a lot .Alabama was only seven hours away from Georgia. She didn’t tell any of her friends that she was moving. She didn’t want to start over at a new school, especially since she was going to be a senior. They had a two story house with four bedrooms and three bathrooms. She didn’t like it, it was too big.

“Brittany is you hungry?” Brittany mom asked. She looked at Brittany and wondered what she was thinking about. She had a sad look on her face, like she had just lost her best friend.

“Yeah, I want a double cheeseburger from Burger King.” Brittany replied. She knew her mother hated Burger King. She said it was fattening and unhealthy. She was kind of surprised when her mother took her there. They went through the drive through and stopped at the menu.

“What can I get you?” The person asked over the intercom.

“I would like a double cheeseburger with a medium fry, and a large sprite. That would be all.” Her mother replied. She reached over the back of the passenger’s seat and grabbed her Gucci purse. She always hid her purse there; the lady told her the total and asked them to drive up to the first window. Her mom pulled up to the first window and put her car in park so she could get her money out of her Gucci wallet. She handed the lady a five dollar bill and rove to the second window to receive her food. The lady had on a black shirt that said Shannon. She smiled at them and opened the window and handed her the food and said come again.
Brittany mother smiled and said thank you and drove off. She handed Brittany her food and turned her radio up some more. Chris Dougherty was singing “it’s not over”. Brittany loved that song; she started singing the song in her head. She didn’t want to go home, but she knew that was where they were going. She turned around and looked at Jalyn. He was asleep. He had black wavy hair, and green eyes. To her he resembled his father. They had the same mouth and eyes. She smiled and turned back around.

I enjoyed this story, it's unique!
I've never read anything like it! I did find some grammar mistakes, but I think you can correct those on your own.
I'm going to tell you how I thought it sounded from a readers point of view.
For one thing, I would want to read more about the ex-boyfriend, so that's a good reason why I should keep reading if you're going to bring him up later in the story.
I personally thought that the main character moving to Alabama was kind of quick because you have her having a baby and, how I interpreted it, is that right after she and her mother moved. But that's just me.
I think that this story has a chance to become something big and I recommend working on it a little more, maybe adding a message to the story.
I kind of felt like you were saying she didn't mind having a baby while she was still in high school but, again, that's how I interpreted it.
I'm sorry if I came off mean, I'm not so great at editing but I try-do what I can.
So, I hope I was helpful and if I wasn't I'm terribly sorry.
Have a great weekend!

I like the story so far, i thought the beginning was a nice way of introducing the characters and the situation, i hope you write more!

There were quite a few punctuation and spelling mistakes which i'm not that good at correcting so i'll try to focus on some other points i felt could be improved:

“Brittany push, come on you can do it”, her doctor coaxed her to keep on pushing.

I like how you begin but i'm not sure about 'her doctor coaxed her to keep pushing'. If it were me i would replace this with something like 'The doctor beside her encouraged'.

Brittany took a deep breath and gave it all she had.

She took a deep breath and gave it all she had.

I don't think you should have written this twice. The second time you used it i got the impression that it was the hardest push so far- giving the most effort so i think that the first one could be replaced with something like 'Brittany clenched her fists and strained.'

You use heard a few times in the first paragraph and i think sometimes this could be replaced with listened or she could make out.

Brittany sat outside of the hospital holding Jalyn, waiting for her mother to come and get them. She saw her mother black Honda turns into the hospital. She had Jalyn face covered with a blue blanket. Her mother got out of her car and opened the back door. She took Jalyn and carefully placed him in her car and opened the back door. She took Jalyn and carefully placed him in his car seat. Brittany slowly stood up and grabbed her purse and his diaper bag and sat in the front seat. She was still sore and winced as she sat down. Her mother got into the car and drove off. She saw her nurse go back into the hospital with the wheel chair she was just in.

I think this paragraph could be improved alot by adding more emotion and detail into it. For instance if you wrote 'she watched as her nurse went back into the hospital, pushing the wheel chair she had been sitting in only moments before.' instead of 'she saw her nurse go back into the hospital with the wheel chair she was just in.'

You repeat 'she took Jalyn and carefully placed him' as i have put in bold.

“Brittany is you hungry?” Brittany mom asked.

This should be are you hungry.

“I would like a double cheeseburger with a medium fry, and a large sprite. That would be all.” Her mother replied. She reached over the back of the passenger’s seat and grabbed her Gucci purse. She always hid her purse there; the lady told her the total and asked them to drive up to the first window. Her mom pulled up to the first window and put her car in park so she could get her money out of her Gucci wallet. She handed the lady a five dollar bill and rove to the second window to receive her food. The lady had on a black shirt that said Shannon. She smiled at them and opened the window and handed her the food and said come again

.

It should be 'medium fries'.

I got a bit confused with when you said her mother reached over the back of the passengers seat and that she always hid her purse there. I had to read through it again to udnerstand what you meant as i couldn't figure out where the purse had been hidden.

You misuse a semicolon where it should have been used at the begginning of the sentence.

Rove should be drove.

I don't like the last sentence aswell as it seems a bit long and not that well structured. A possible alternative could be 'She smiled at them, opening the window to hand the food over. "Come again."'

Throughout the story She is used alot which i think should be cut back on.

Thats it! I know i'm making alot of comments and i'm sorry if it comes across a bit harshly. They are all small things that can be changed easily. Overall i thought the story was good and i look forward to reading more!

Hey there Pink. I'm Jas and I'll be your reviewer for today. Here I gooooo.....

She looked around her all she saw were nurses and her mother. She never knew child birth would be this must torture.

The first sentence here is awkward. I would reword to something like...Looking around her, she saw the nurses fluttering about and her mother. Also, 'must torture' should be 'much torture'
******

She wished her ex-boyfriend, James, would have been there holding her hand instead of her mother.

"...the one holding her hand, instead of her mother."
~~~~~~~~

For a moment she could actually picture him there. In her mind, she knew it was only an illusion, but in her heart she truly wished he was there. If only she could talk her mother into letting him comes.

Since you said she was visiualizing, show us what she sees. Also, 'comes' shouldnt be plural.
<<<<<<<<<

Brittany kept hearing her doctor say “give it one big last push”.

Comma after 'say'
>>>>>>>>>

She took a deep breath and gave it all she had.

It was already stated that she 'gave it all she had' use something else or reword it so she did it again.
++++++++++

She heard them play the song; they played every time a child was born.

Er? Song?
::::::::::::::

Prologe.
Erm. not to sound mean, but i dont really have any urge to turn the page and read on. I wasn't all that captured. I have feelings towards the baby or his mother. Although, it was very well written.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She saw her mother black Honda turns into the hospital.

mother's
~~~~~~~~~~~

She had Jalyn face covered with a blue blanket.

Jalyn's
???????????????

Her mother got out of her car and opened the back door. She took Jalyn and carefully placed him in her car and opened the back door. She took Jalyn and carefully placed him in his car seat.

Here, theres nothing wrong gramatically, but you're doing an awful lot of telling instead of showing. Where are the mother's emotions? What is the baby doing? sleeping? making faces? 'she took' 'she got' 'she did' bleh...stop telling and show us whats going on in the world around the main character.
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She saw her nurse go back into the hospital with the wheel chair she was just in.

Try and find a way to replace the last pronoun because it makes it seem like the nurse was just in the wheel chair.
^^^^^^^^^^^^

Brittany turned on the radio. She didn’t turn it up too loud, because Jalyn had just gone to sleep. She looked around her. She still couldn’t believe her mother made her move to Georgia. She didn’t know anybody here. She missed Alabama a lot .Alabama was only seven hours away from Georgia. She didn’t tell any of her friends that she was moving. She didn’t want to start over at a new school, especially since she was going to be a senior. They had a two story house with four bedrooms and three bathrooms. She didn’t like it, it was too big.

This whole paragraph is again, a lot of telling. Showing=nada. Split this up and add more detail. Have a paragraph about her hatred for georgia. have a paragraph explaining the whole moving thing. You also threw in the fact that shes a teenager quickly. It was too fast for a slap in the face.
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“Brittany is you hungry?” Brittany mom asked.

are you hungry? Brittany's mom asked.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

She looked at Brittany and wondered what she was thinking about. She had a sad look on her face, like she had just lost her best friend.

Her mother looked at her and she wondered what her mother was thinking about. Her mother had a sad look on her face as if she had just lost her best friend. You use many pronouns and it's hard to follow at times.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@

She always hid her purse there; the lady told her the total and asked them to drive up to the first window.

These two things have nothing to do with each other. Connect the first part of this sentece to the previous one, then make a new sentence.
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lady a five dollar bill and rove

Drove
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

handed her the food and said come again.

said to come again or 'come again'
**********************

Brittany mother smiled and said thank you and drove off.

Brittany's 'thank you'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To her he resembled his father.

To her, he resembled his father.
<<<<<<<<<<<<

You did an awful lot of telling instead of showing. I think you should reread this and edit it yourself before you post.

I don't really see where this story is going and still hasn't captured me yet. Sorry if that's harsh. Keep it up.

Hi!

First of all, it's the Rules that you review at least two pieces of work before you post anything of your own. It's more everybody-friendly that way.

To be honest, this did not grab at all. A teenage(?) mother has a baby. So? It happens all the time. Why should I care about this particular baby? Or the mother? First chapters and prologues should make you want to read on. Like in David Copperfield. It starts off with a birth, but it's made interesting and funny because of David's aunt who storms out when he's born. We want to know whether this will affect David or not. We're given conflict. In your story, the most exciting thing that happens is that she goes to Burger King when it's fattening.

You have a lot of typos and errors which the others already pointedd out, but I would like to mention this:

She turned around and looked at Jalyn. He was asleep. He had black wavy hair, and green eyes.

Jalyn's just been born, yes? When babies are born, they have blue eyes and it can takes weeks and weeks for them to change to the colour that they will be permamently. So, a green eyed baby born just a little while ago is wrong. Also, hair. Some babies are born with lots of hair, but I doubt that it would be able to be classed as "wavy" so soon.


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I know that this probably sounds really harsh, but I'm not being horrible. It's just to help you improve. PM me if you have any questions, and remember to review!

First off, I agree with TL G-Wooster that the beginning is pretty simple and nothing that really draws you in. When you talked about the birth, it sounded like it was something that happened everyday. She pushed, it was over, and that was it. I think you should add more emotion into it, how does she feel the first time she looks at her newborn baby? There didn't seem to be much of a mother-daughter connection, if you know what I mean.

This part was kind of too much detail. It doesn't have much meaning in the story, so it doesn't need to be talked about so much, it's just ordering food.

“What can I get you?” The person asked over the intercom.

“I would like a double cheeseburger with a medium fry, and a large sprite. That would be all.” Her mother replied. She reached over the back of the passenger’s seat and grabbed her Gucci purse. She always hid her purse there; the lady told her the total and asked them to drive up to the first window. Her mom pulled up to the first window and put her car in park so she could get her money out of her Gucci wallet. She handed the lady a five dollar bill and rove to the second window to receive her food. The lady had on a black shirt that said Shannon. She smiled at them and opened the window and handed her the food and said come again.

Brittany turned on the radio. She didn’t turn it up too loud, because Jalyn had just gone to sleep. She looked around her. She still couldn’t believe her mother made her move to Georgia. She didn’t know anybody here. She missed Alabama a lot .Alabama was only seven hours away from Georgia. She didn’t tell any of her friends that she was moving. She didn’t want to start over at a new school, especially since she was going to be a senior. They had a two story house with four bedrooms and three bathrooms. She didn’t like it, it was too big.

Here I noticed that the sentences were the same lengths, be sure to add different types of sentences. Read it aloud. Doesn't it sound a bit choppy? For example: Sharon went to the store. She got her groceries. Then she went to the checkout. She bought her food. Of course, this isn't the type of writing anybody wants to read. So make sure you switch it up, it will make it more interesting and more smooth when somebody reads it. But, you know this.

Another thing I just want to add, usually prologues help you understand the story once you start reading, usually in the past or the future. When you just started off from the same time in Chapter 1, it defeats the purpose, I think, of the prologue. You could just change it to Chapter One and Chapter Two. This is just what I think from all I've read though, I may be wrong.

Nice job!

Good luck, and keep writing!

~Mateeah