Vanilla Fillip

Alright so I hate the title. If you have any better suggestions please tell me. If you don't know what fillip means, look it up. Kay so I'm trying out a new style with this one. Please tell me straight out if it's suckish or not because I can't tell.
[s]&&&&&&&&[/s]

REVISED.
Perfect avenues of oak trees smile on me today. The sunlight through their leaves dappling my dark brown skin in freckles of gold. Central park has never been so beautiful.
He stands there, jolly and enticing, with sweet aromas escaping from the cart he leans on. THey make their way to my wavering will power, wrapping me in a soft vanilla cloud that makes my feet itch not to move towards it. Maybe one cone wouldn’t hurt.
I glide effortlessly to his stand, my taste buds already anticipating the cold milky treat, I’m instantly craving. His nametag says “Eddie” and the fresh June sun reflects off his shiny, bald head.
“How many scoops?” he asks, smiling. I like him already; his voice is low and soft in intonation.
“Hmm, two of vanilla.” I say, returning his smile. I tap my fingers on the shiny white plastic as he prepares my cone. One scoop, two scoops sink into the perfect, flaky cone.
“I can’t believe you Bobby! You’re canceling again! This is the third time this week!” I turn to see a tiny, brunette, twenty-something girl in stilettos yelling at a man standing next to her.
He runs a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry Laurie! But, what do you want me to do? I have to work! I have a deadline!”
Her face takes on a sour, frustrated look. “You have to work, you have to work. That’s all you ever say! That’s all you ever do! You work all the time! And I am getting so…tired of hearing that.” She starts to pace, her high heels pounding on the cobblestones in fury. “You never seem to have time for me anymore! I never even see you!”
He covers the few feet that they are standing apart with only two quick strides. “Well I’m sorry if I want to have a good life and get a good pay! This promotion means everything to me.”
“But I don’t, right? I’ve just become a constant annoyance in your life… right? You’re going bigger and better places than where I am.” Her brow crinkles and the corners of her shiny, cherry red lips turn down.
“Here you go, miss,” says the kindly ice cream man, handing me my cone.
I thank him and slide a couple dollars across the counter. Offering a slight smile I step away.
“No, Laurie. That’s not what I…” Bobby starts to say, only to be cut off.
“No Bobby, this has gone too far. I’ll save you any further trouble. We’re through!” her small frame quivers with the impact of her words.
Laurie stamps her foot into the ground and utters a little grunt of frustration before turning to walk steadily away. Her dark curls bouncing in tune to her rapid footsteps.
I turn to Bobby, watching his reaction. He raises his head towards the sky, face pinching with anger and hurt. He lifts his large hands to cover his face, the pain of his break up fresh and soaking throughout his features.
Slowly, his laboring footsteps haul him towards a bench. Dumping himself onto the flat, wooden boards, he stares up at the full branches of the trees, the leaves full and ripe with summer.
I don’t know what possessed me to do what I did then, but slowly and quietly I make my way over to the bench myself and sit a respectful distance away. Watching as unsuspecting people saunter on by, their steps filling the air with a quiet beating music.
Gradually, he faces me. His handsome features taking me in in all my black haired, brown eyed glory.
The arm holding the ice cream cone calmly extends toward him. I’ve never been much of a talker, so I say nothing, but only offer my condolences in the best way I know.

Hey!
The title caught my attention and I did look up fillip.
I like the style, kind of watching over from somewhere perspective.

Maybe one cone wouldn’t hurt.

I dislike this line. There's not much explanation as to why, which might be nice in certain stories but I don't think it is suitable here.

And quite honestly, the sort-of romantic, formal start to describe the ice creams was a little overdone, i feel.

in the best way I know how.

Cut the how.

I liked t on the overall, very nice way of story telling!

I'm sorry I couldn't give a more detailed critique but it's inching towards midnight and I need to sleep soon.

~lava

Perfect lines of oak trees smile on me today, their leaves dappling my dark brown skin in freckles of gold. Central park has never been so beautiful. The first sentence is beautiful imagery; however, it makes no sense. Line of oak trees smile and leave freckles? Keep the beauty, but add some meaning.

He stands there, jolly and enticing, with sweet aromas escaping to my wavering will power, wrapping me in a soft vanilla cloud inching my feet closer and closer. Same beauty, same confusionMaybe one cone wouldn’t hurt. I disagree with the above reviewer. I love this line.

I glide effortlessly to his stand, my taste buds already anticipating the cold milky treat, I’m instantly craving. His nametag says “Eddie” and the fresh June sun reflects off his shiny, bald head. Much better.

“How many scoops?” he asks, smiling. I like him already; his voice is low and soft in intonation.

“Hmm, two of vanilla.” I say, returning his smile. I tap my fingers on the shiny white plastic as he prepares my cone. One scoop, two scoops plop into the perfect, flaky cone.

“I can’t believe you Bobby! You’re canceling again! This is the third time this week!” I turn to see a tiny, brunette, twenty-something girl in stilettos yelling in the direction of man standing next to her.

He runs a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry Laurie! But, what do you want me to do? I have to work! I have a deadline!”

Her face takes on a sour, frustrated look. “You have to work, you have to work. That’s all you ever say! That’s all you ever do! You work all the time! And I am getting so…tired of hearing that.” She starts to pace, her high heels pounding on the cobblestones in fury. “You never seem to have time for me anymore! I never even see you!”

He covers the few feet that they are standing apart with only two quick strides. “Well I’m sorry if I want to have a good life and get a good pay! This promotion means everything to me.”

“But I don’t. comma hereright? I’ve just become a constant annoyance in your life… right? You’re going bigger and better places than where I am.” Her brow crinkles and the corners of her shiny, cherry red lips turn down.

“Here you go, miss.comma here” Says don't capitalize the 's'the kindly ice cream man, handing me my cone.

I thank him and slide a couple dollars across the counter. Offering a slight smile, I step away.

“No, Laurie. That’s not what I…” Bobby starts to say, [s]but[/s] only to be cut off.

“No Bobby, this has gone too far. I’ll save you any further trouble. We’re through!” her small frame quivers with the impact of her words.

Laurie stamps her foot into the ground and utters a little grunt of frustration before turning to walk steadily away. Her dark curls bouncing bouncein tune to her rapid footsteps.

I turn to Bobby, watching his reaction. He raises his head towards the sky, face pinching with anger and hurt. He lifts his large hands to cover his face, the pain of his break up fresh and soaking throughout his features. Nice description.

A bench sits only about ten feet from him; to it he goes and sits. Consider rewarding thisDumping himself onto the flat, wooden boards, he stares up at the full branches of the trees, the leaves full and ripe with summer. I love this last sentence.

I don’t know what possessed me to do what I did then, but slowly and quietly I make my way over to the bench myself and sit a respectful distance away. Watching (this should be 'I watch') as unsuspecting people saunter on by, their steps filling the air with a quiet beating music.

Gradually, he faces me. His handsome features taking me in in all my black haired, brown eyed glory.
T
he arm holding the ice cream cone calmly extends toward him. I’ve never been much of a talker, so I say nothing, but only offer my condolences in the best way I know how.

Holy guacamole. I love the ending. Seriously, I can so imagine this girl sitting by the heartbroken man and handing him an ice-cream cone. But, I agree, this title isn't working. It's going to be your final decision, but I have a couple of suggestions. The 'vanilla' is nice; it would be good if you could still work that into the title. Perhaps...'Summer of Vanilla' or 'The Gift of Vanilla'. But, then again, I suck epically at titles that aren't my own work. So don't take my word for it. Get some second opinions.

Your recurring problem is stuffing imagery where it doesn't belong. No, actually--your problem is putting beautiful imagery that doesn't have meaning behind it. Read your descriptions to yourself--do they actually make sense? If the answer is 'no', fix it. You have a tlaent for words. Just don't abandon all things that make sense.

Good job with this. It doesn't suck, and don't ever say that about your own work. You can never motivate yourself if you're convinced you suck. You don't. Honest. (Words of encouragement stolen from Snoink).

Good luck with this and the naming process. PM me if you need anything!

~Evi

'Ello 'ello :D

Perfect lines of oak trees smile on me today, their leaves dappling my dark brown skin in freckles of gold. Central park has never been so beautiful.

You could replace lines with avenues, it manes the same thing, but sounds a little better in my opinion.

with sweet aromas escaping to my wavering will power

This is nice but weirdly phrased, mainly it's the escaping part tripping me up, as it seems to have come out of no-where, so from the man himself XD

and the fresh June sun reflects off his shiny, bald head.

I can see what you're getting at, but if you can replace bald with a softer word it might be good, I couldn't help but giggle a little.

One scoop, two scoops plop into the perfect, flaky cone.

Plop is a similar word, you have this nice description and then this word right in the middle XD you could replace it would something like sink, because they're usually pressed in a little, or something.

I turn to see a tiny, brunette, twenty-something girl in stilettos yelling in the direction of man standing next to her.

Yelling in the direction of is pretty vague, seeing at she's yelling at the man next to her, just say so :D

A bench sits only about ten feet from him; to it he goes and sits.

You've got repetition there with sit, but even then I don't think we need to be told the bench is there, seeing as we're park, it's kind of a given that there's going to be plenty there ^^


Okay! This a pretty sweet story, I really like the ending, small acts of kindness often mean a lot to people :D I think you've got natural dialogue down pretty well, I could imagine it being an actual argument between people.

Try not to mention unnecessary things, like the bench, and the narrators features; it's not really important and doesn't contribute much to the story, so it might be best to cut it out for the sake of flow.

And I don't know if I've got the right definition of fillip, but personally I quite like the title ^^;;


Hope I was of some help! This was a nice read. If you have any questions, anything else you'd like me to look at, oh I'm sure you know the drill XD just drop me a PM!

Ok Jada, I loved your story! The ending wasn't my favorite though because it left me hanging! But i have to admit I did like the short, sweet ending. There was one grammer error I saw though, you have THey and it should be They but thats about it.