My Vampire Story, Chapter One

Chapter One: A Meeting With A Vampire, Life Mate
Midori trailed her hand along the wall, her skin crawling because it was damp and slimy, “ew, this is so gross.”

Sean laughed, “are you kidding me? This is amazing!”

The two friends laughed and told each other stories as they traveled through the tunnel. The stories got more complex and scary as time wore on. When Sean was in the middle of a story about vampires, they both stopped as they heard a noise. . .

Midori turned to Sean, her eyes wide with fear. “Did you hear that?”

Sean gulped “hear what? I didn’t hear anything” he said, his tone purposely kept light so Midori wouldn’t get scared.

Midori shook her head “no, I definitely just heard something, it was like a mix between a small thud and thwack as if something jumped down and landed on cement with bare feet.”

Sean laughed, “stop being so te-” Sean never had the chance to finish that sentence. The vampires they joked about and thought never existed were real, and they had walked into one of their lairs.

Midori screamed and backed up until she was against the wall. “No” she whispered. Her mind wouldn’t accept what her eyes saw. An extremely sexy but dangerous man sinking his teeth into Sean’s neck and then drinking the blood.

As she whispered that word he looked up, his eyes glowing red. She blinked and he was right in front of her.

Her lip trembled as she looked into his eyes, such a deep shade of red, so mesmerizing, hypnotizing. A drop of water on her nose made her break contact with him, she deliberately looked down at her shoes, away from his eyes.

“Ma Cherie, why are you so afraid? Were you not sharing stories of my kind earlier with your friend there.” as he talked he motioned with his head Sean. “I only took what was needed, your friend simply fainted from shock. When he wakes up he will be dizzy but otherwise fine.”

Midori shook her head, “what are you?!” her voice was shrill and piercing.

The vampire put his hand over her mouth, it was freezing and made her shiver. He leaned in and whispered in her ear “I already told you, a vampire.” He backed up from her and took a bow, “May we meet again, Midori.” When she blinked, he was gone.

Midori collapsed crying, “Vampires do not exist. I will wake up and this will all be a dream.”
She sat hunched for fifteen minutes before Sean started coughing and moaning. She crawled over to him, crying “Sean?”

Sean looked up at Midori “Midori? What just. . .happened?”

Midori’s eyes welled up again and she wiped at them with her fishnet sleeve. “You were attacked by a vampire?”

Sean looked at her abruptly, his eyes cold as ice. “Midori, I know you love that stuff and have always wished they exist. But I will tell you for the last time vampires don’t exist. They are just mythical creatures!” He stood up but fell back again, dizzy. “Now, tell me what really happened?”

Midori sobbed, “I don’t know. We were talking and then you suddenly just ‘boom!’ collapsed. I didn’t know what to do cause you were unconscious so I decided to wait fifteen minutes and if you didn’t wake by then I’d call for help. You woke up precisely at fifteen minutes after you lost consciousness.” She smiled “how good am I?”

Sean hugged her, and nibbled on her ear “so good I could eat you up.” he said, his voice deep.

“Mmm” she pushed him off, “What are you doing?!? Poor Mir would have a heart attack if she even found out we were in the cave together. Never mind you flirting and biting my ear. “Jeez, you are so inconsiderate to a girls heart. You two have been dating for two years. Think about how she would react to you doing this.”

Sean shrugged, “she knows how I am and she accepts it.”

Midori felt a bright hot flash of anger, and her arm flashed out of it’s own accord as she slapped him with all her anger, confusion, and sadness. “you are such a bastard! You faggot asshole! We’ve been friends since childhood and I know you better than anyone else. Me, you, and Mir have been friends forever since we all met each other in the same year. Mir has fallen in love with you and you’re just going along for the ride! She really loves you!”

Sean kicked her back up against the wall, “you are such a slimy, filthy, bitch! That fucking hurt!” he yelled, his face right up to hers. He roughly put himself up against her. “You have never even been in a relationship. Would you like to find out the benefits?” his hands started roaming her body, touching all her sweet spots, causing her to moan. “Don’t you want to feel like this?”

Midori sobbed “Just stop Sean! I hate you! I hate you so much that I could watch you die and not even try to do anything!” she kicked him back and pinned his arms behind his back and sat on him. She started crying so hard her shoulders were shaking “why are you doing this?!?”

Sean licked his lips and rolled over so he was on top of her, “Remember when we were in middle school and I told you ‘I will do anything to acquire what I want?’ you remember right?” Midori nodded her head, “well, I wasn’t joking. And one thing I want,” he got closer so she didn’t have a choice but to look at him, “is you.” He then kissed her, roughly, as thought trying to mark her as his.

Midori struggled, trying to push him off her before she bit his lip. He yelped and jerked back, “you bitch! You just bit me!” He lashed out and before she could try to avoid it, punched her in the stomach. She gasped, all the air coming out of her and slid down the wall. “Sean, you are such an asshole!” she gasped out, trying to regain breath and not black out.

Sean laughed and kneeled down next to her, biting her ear. “You know, eventually you will be mine. No matter what you do. So why don’t you just give up and let it happen?”

“No! I will never give in to you. And in case you have not gotten the hint, our friendship is annihilated.” She glared at him for al he was worth and kicked his shin “Get away from me! Touch me again and I’ll report you to the police!”

Suddenly, an unnatural silence spread through the cave. Her hair stood on end as she felt a presence within the room, “who is there?” she whispered, afraid to speak loudly.

Michael took a deep centering breath, “Sean, I was nice and decided I wouldn’t kill you when I drank from you. I can see that was a mistake.” He lashed out and punched him, sending him flying across the room. “What do you say to poor Midori?” he asked as he gripped him by the collar of his shirt.

Sean’s eyes widened in fear, “I’m sorry, I’m truly sorry, please don’t kill me.”

Michael’s eyes glowed a deep, angry red. “Give me one reason why I should show mercy and let you live your pitiful life.”

Sean gulped “I-I-I won’t touch Midori again, I’ll never even talk to her or look at her. I’ll leave her alone and I’ll be nicer.”

Michael growled, the sound resonating throughout the cave. He shook Sean. “Don’t say that to me, say it to her. And don’t just say you won’t touch Midori, say you’ll be more considerate to all girls. And women.”

Sean looked straight Into Midori’s eyes, “I’m sorry. I won’t touch you or any other female, and I’ll dump Mir.”

Michael frowned and dropped Sean, “Go, before I change my mind and decide to kill you.” Sean nodded and ran out as fast as his legs would carry him. Michael closed his eyes and they returned back to his deep chocolate brown. He kneeled down next to Midori and gently put his hands on her knees, “little one, are you hurt? Did that lowlife, vile, filthy, scum do anything more than try to kiss you?” he asked his voice soft and caring.

Midori shook her head and sobbed, “I hate him, he makes me feel unclean. I always knew he was a jerk, but I didn’t think he’d just so suddenly change like that.” She bit her lip, trying to choke back the sobs. “I thank the heavens that you are here, but why did you save me? I’m just a human.”

Michael smiled, not showing his teeth though so he couldn’t scare her. “My kind are seen in many aspects, and there are many versions as to what we are. We are not killed by garlic, crosses, crucifixes, or stakes. We either die naturally or we die from being beheaded, or walking into the sun. We can stand dawn and dusk but otherwise the sun burns us to a crisp so we are but ashes left.”

Midori nodded slowly “That clears a lot up. . .But it still doesn’t answer my question. Why did you save me?”

Michael looked straight into her eyes so she was caught in the molten brown depth. “It’s simple, one thing that is always left out of books, one word, ‘life mate.’ That si what you are Midori, my life mate. I know you are only 16 but I am ancient, it is hard for my people to live so long without their life mate. The life mate holds us up, is our happiness, our light in the darkness, they make the whole world brighter.”

Midori curled up and put her chin on her knees, “so what you’re saying is, you are not just a vampire, but an ancient vampire. And I am you life mate?”

Michael nodded, “exactly.”

Midori shook her head, “this is too much to take in one day.” She closed her eyes and fell into darkness.

I was scrolling through Fantasy and I saw the word "vampire." I immediately clicked it. ^_^

I love, love vampires.

Anyway, nice to meet you, Emotastic. YWS is a great place to get critique for your work, so you should return the favor! Your review count is currently at zero. Before you submit your own work, you should have two reviews of others' writing. Thanks!

Onto your review!

slimy,

Replace the comma with a period.

“ew, this is so gross.”

Capitalize Ew.

Sean laughed, “are you kidding me? This is amazing!”

Capitalize Are. Always capitalize the beginning of a sentence!

Sean gulped “hear what? I didn’t hear anything” he said, his tone purposely kept light so Midori wouldn’t get scared.

Period after gulped.
Capitalize Hear.

Midori shook her head “no, I definitely just heard something, it was like a mix between a small thud and thwack as if something jumped down and landed on cement with bare feet.”

Capitalize no. Also, no one would say this. When they first hear the sound, you, the narrator, should describe it. Midori's job is to be scared, not to tell the reader things.

Get those reviews done and PM me if you want me to review the rest.

Also, remember to always capitalize the first word of a sentence- including dialogue.

Hope this helped and PM me once you get those reviews done!

~~~Sakura~~~

PS: The first chapter is called "A Meeting with a Vampire." Have you heard of the book, "Interview with the Vampire"? The names sound very similar.

Again, hope this helped!

^_^

Hey, Emo! Nice work, but I do have some comments.

First, why are they in a cave and how did they get there? Why didn't Mir come with them if they're such good friends?

The ending part with Micheal was confusing. You shouldn't reveal immediatly how they live or die, let the reader slowly figure it out. And how did we know hisname was Micheal? He never introducted himself. And how dies Micheal know that the girl--sorry, I have forgotten her name--is his life mate? Don't go explaining about lifemates so soon either.

Besides that, it's pretty good. Don't throw it away, Emo. Instaed, make the changes and in about a week and a half, post it again, but let people know you;ve edited it.

BYE!

I'm not that bothered about grammar and stuff, but I loved the tension and the horror bits. I would say that I couldn't put it down, but I'll have to make down with saying "I coulnd't click on the X or another link", but that sounds wierd Gr8 stuff, I want more!

Hey, EW. Hrrm, ew? Should I call you Em instead? I think I will. ^_^
As I said, I'll read over your work, so here I am! ^_^

Midori trailed her hand along the wall, her skin crawling because it was damp and slimy, “ew, this is so gross.”

I think this, as an opening line, would actually work better as three sentences. I tend to prefer a simple opening line.
This is what I mean:

Midori trailed her hand along the wall. Her skin crawled as her fingers touched the slimy texture of the damp stone, and she snatched her hand away.
"Ew, this is so gross."

Sorry, some ad-libbing there. But besides that, do you see what I mean? It separates the actions and ideas.

Sean laughed, “are you kidding me? This is amazing!”

You don't usually laugh a sentence. It would be difficult, I reckon. So I suggest you replace the comma after 'laugh' with a full stop and capitalise 'are'. This makes the laughter and the dialogue two separate actions.

When Sean was in the middle of a story about vampires, they both stopped as they heard a noise. . .

I don't think you need the 'as they heard a noise.' The next line gives an explanation on why they stopped.

When Sean was in the middle of a story about vampires, they both suddenly stopped.

Midori turned to Sean, her eyes wide with fear. “Did you hear that?”

See? It still works, but is more to the point.

An extremely sexy but dangerous man sinking his teeth into Sean’s neck and then drinking the blood.

Sexy and dangerous? Oooh. *looks interested* Describe him, pleease? Hehe.

On a more serious note, what you are doing here is telling. What you want to be doing is showing.
It's the difference between telling a sceptic "The idea to recycle all tin cans would be very beneficial." and giving him a speech explaining the gains and fallings of the plan, describing how it would work, and convincing him that it would be beneficial. It is possible to convince your reader that he is sexy and dangerous without stating so, and the best thing is they will think it was their idea in the first place. An effective description will leave the reader deciding what you want them to decide.

Also, you don't need "and then drinking the blood." Sinking his teeth into Sean's neck is shocking enough and doesn't need to be expanded on.

“I already told you, a vampire.”

I would picture him more saying "I think you already know." As he hasn't actually stated he is a vampire.

Midori sobbed, “I don’t know. We were talking and then you suddenly just ‘boom!’ collapsed. I didn’t know what to do cause you were unconscious so I decided to wait fifteen minutes and if you didn’t wake by then I’d call for help. You woke up precisely at fifteen minutes after you lost consciousness.” She smiled “how good am I?”

She went from sobbing to smiling? Maybe if she smiled weakly, this would make more sense. Like she was trying to lighten the mood but kind of failing.

Sean kicked her back up against the wall, “you are such a slimy, filthy, bitch! That fucking hurt!” he yelled, his face right up to hers. He roughly put himself up against her. “You have never even been in a relationship. Would you like to find out the benefits?” his hands started roaming her body, touching all her sweet spots, causing her to moan. “Don’t you want to feel like this?”

I would have thought she would have been angry and violated, then she moans? What you should do here is inject what she is thinking, and what his actions make her think and feel. Does her skin flush at the contact? Is she annoyed with herself for enjoying it? Does her hands tremble, as well as her resolve? Or is she just scared and disgusted? Putting a little more of her reactions in would make this make more sense.

Michael took a deep centering breath, “Sean, I was nice and decided I wouldn’t kill you when I drank from you. I can see that was a mistake.”

Ooh, I like this bit of dialogue. It is... almost calm, after the flurry of action, and quick dialogue. The contrast is effective. Even more so when the next line is him punching him. ^_^

“I thank the heavens that you are here, but why did you save me? I’m just a human.”

Strike out the 'I'm just a human.' Someone so scared and confused wouldn't likely want to voice something like that out loud, for then she would have to confront the truth. Which not many can handle, in her state.

“so what you’re saying is, you are not just a vampire, but an ancient vampire. And I am you life mate?”

I would have thought she would have freaked out completely. Almost raped by her close friend then a self-proclaimed ancient vampire is claiming her for his own life mate? Unless she's in shock and the words don't make sense, her reaction seems a little too calm.

But overall:
I like vampires. I've read books about them, but I haven't succeeded in writing a vampire story so far. So I bow to you. *bows*
The speed was phenomenal in some parts, and while this can be good, I think you need a little more of what Midori was thinking and feeling. This would make it slow down a little and add more tension, and allow your reader to relate to what is happening even if they have never been in such a situation.
But that said, you have got some real potential here- a little refining, a deep breath and this story could go from good to excellent. Very well done! (you should have seen my first submission- this blows it straight out of the water.)
If there is anything else I can do for you, you know you can ask. PM me about anything I've said you don't understand, or want me to expand on, and I'll be happy to go over what I mean in even more detail. ^_^

-Nutty

Nutty pretty much sums it up, so I'll just go and make note of my pet peeve.

Midori, Sean, Micheal. Which name is out of place? Try to use names by location rather then just uniqueness if at possible. Sean, Micheal I think America. Midori, I think Japan. Most 'americanized' children retain their birth names, but those second generations usually have American names. In fact all of my Asian friends do.

Kyle
Alex
Scott

While foreign exchange students retain their own, such as Xeibei. Which is really rather difficult to say for english speakers.

Secondly, the drama flows too quickly and is never taken too much for the mood. Mood is what makes it believable or unbelievable to the reader, take time to develop it. Right now it seems like your writing is schizo.