chapter 1 part A

“Kristy, would you please come up and see me” Miss Candy asked me. Miss Candy is one of the science teachers here at my school. As soon as I got to her desk she asked, “Would you explain to me why you failed another test?” Miss Candy is a very nice teacher. She always interacts with the students and knows what they like and what they are interested in.
Not only is she concerned about her students, she takes an interest in everyone at school. She says her door is always open if we need to talk. “All your teachers are very worried about you,” I kept fidgeting with the bracelet I was wearing, not listening closely, “Your grades have dropped tremendously since the beginning of the school year. You had an A average at the beginning of your senior year, only a few months ago. Now your average is a C.” she told me with a worried expression, “What is going on with you? Can I help in any way? Would you like to talk?”
I responded by saying that I was fine and probably just didn’t study as well as I thought I had.
“Well, if you ever need any help with your homework just ask.”
“Okay,” I mumbled and walked away.
My boyfriend, Zach Kent, the quarterback for the football team, is in most of my classes. He sits next to me in Miss Candy’s class. She sat us together when I started doing poorly because Zach usually encourages me.
“What was that all about?” he asked me, looking concerned.
“I failed another test,” I told him quietly well trying not to seem too disappointed.
“You know, we have a math test tomorrow. I could come over and help you study if you’d like,” Zach offered.
“That would be a big help.” The great thing about Zach is that he really cares about me and he’s not just saying that. Everyone can tell that he truly means it. He is also very helpful and enjoys hanging out with my family too. My father used to enjoy talking with him about basketball and football.
“How ‘bout I meet you at your house at 7:00?” Zach suggested.
“You do know Kyle is home now, right?” Kristy inquired. Kyle is my new baby brother. He’s cute but he’s a pain. I also have and older brother named Jordan. We’re brother and sister but we’re also best friends. He always listens when I talk to him. He’s away at collage right now so we IM a lot and talk over the phone. Zach is good friends with him too.
“So?”
“He has the best lungs for screaming and the only way he’ll calm down is if I hold him and rock him. Plus, my mom won’t be home because she ‘takes the afternoon off’. We’d never get anything done.”
“Okay then, how about my place at 7:00?”
“Sounds like a date,” I responded with a smile.
“Not that kind of date a study date. If it was that kind a date we would we probably go out to the movies or just hang out at home and play games and stuff.” Zach teased.
“A study date doesn’t mean we can’t do fun stuff, right?” I asked him with a puppy dog face, “How about every time I get an answer right you owe me something? Hey, I know! How about if I get higher than a B, we go on a ‘date’? Sound good?”
“If that will motivate you, then I guess it sounds great.” When the bell rang to signal class was over, Zach stood up, gave me a quick peck on the cheek and said he would see me at lunch.
When I finally weaved my way through the students to my locker, my friend Kelsey was already there leaning against the dingy blue metal lockers with an excited look on her face.
“You certainly look happy,” I asked her, twisting my lock, “What’s up?” She usually acts like she is bored with school and doesn’t want to be here, which is normally true with most kids that go to school. Kelsey, though, has that attitude.
“Jake asked me out on a date!” she screeched, “Can you believe it!?!” I could tell she was ecstatic by the big goofy smile pasted across face and by the way she was screaming it in the middle of the hall.
“Wow!!!!!!!!!!” I exclaimed, “That’s great. You’ve had a crush on him forever and now he finally asked you out!”
I was going to continue when all of a sudden, I began to feel tired, dizzy and worn out again. I’d been feeling that way a lot lately. I tried to cover it up by leaning against my locker, but apparently it was noticeable because Kelsey asked,
“What’s wrong?” a look of concern slowly leaking into her features.
“I dunno, I just feel really dizzy all of a sudden.”

This is a good beginning- i want to know what happens next! In general i thought the story was well written, a couple of comment on improvement:

I think the first paragraph could be broken up a little bit so its not just one chunk of text.

she takes and interest in everyone at school.

i think you mean an instead of and.

I responded by saying that I was fine and probably just didn’t study as well as I thought I had.

I think it would be better if you showed the response instead of telling the reader about it.

I told him quietly well trying not to seem too disappointed.

well dosen't really fit with the rest of the sentence.

My father used to enjoy talking with him about basketball and football.

You switch from present to past tense here, saying her father used to enjoy talking to him- unless you mean they don't actually talk anymore.

“You do know Kyle is home now, right?” Kristy inquired.

You change from first to third person here, it should be I inquired.

hey girly.
i like this story and i really think you should finish it.
i want to know how it ends!!

I like it a lot! You should really finish it soon! But try to put more details into what the characters are like. We don't know too much about what Kristy is like! Other than that it's pretty ,uch amazing!

nicee
but if he's her boyfriend and he asked her outt on a datee why is shee so happy? i mean he's already her boyfriend + he friend said that she's always had a crush on him...umm aren't they going outt cause you said "boyfriend"
hehe kinda confusing....

This was pretty good! Now on to the critique.

“Kristy, would you please come up and see me” Miss Candy asked me. Miss Candy is one of the science teachers here at my school. As soon as I got to her desk she asked, “Would you explain to me why you failed another test?” Miss Candy is a very nice teacher.

Here's how I would write it, "Kristy, would you please come up and see me?" Miss Candy asked me, she is one of the science teachers at my school and is very nice. "Would you please explain to me why you failed another test?" She asked when I got to her desk.

^ in this sentence you don't have to use 'Miss Candy' so many times.

“I failed another test,” I told him quietly [s]well[/s] trying not to seem too disappointed.

“You do know Kyle is home now, right?” Kristy inquired.

^Isn't this in first person? The MC is Kristy right? She's telling the story?

collage

Collage should be college.

Plus, my mom won’t be home because she ‘takes the afternoon off’.

It should be she "Took the afternoon off."

Overall
This is good but you need to spell check and read over your work not just once but twice or maybe even three times. Also, spell check once before posting. Keep up the good work! PM me if you post more it is interesting.

Hey Justy!

“Kristy, would you please come up and see me” Miss Candy asked me. Miss Candy is one of the science teachers here at my school.

There's a few grammar issues you have at the get-go that can be easily cleared up with a little practice. Here's what I can tell you regarding this first sentence:

Dialogue Grammar
You have it mostly right, but you have an issue at the end of the sentence inside the quotation marks. It took me a long time to get these little nuances right, but this is the correct way you would grammatically arrange this sentence: "Kristy, would you please come up and see me," Miss Candy asked me.
- OR if you want, you could just have a question mark, which might be more appropriate: "Kristy, would you please come up and see me?" Miss Candy asked me.
- More information on dialogue grammar can be found in this YWS article: viewarticlebody.php?t=19430


Also, in this first sentence:

Tenses

One of the big rules of story telling: Pick a tense! You can have past tense or future tense, and you can not mix them (unless you're feeling exceptionally experimental, but best not to try that). Past tense is "he said, she said, he walked, he traipsed through the park but remember he forgot his coat, he went back to his house". Present tense is "he says, she says, he walks, he traipses through the park but remembers he forgot his coat, he goes back to his house".

To properly arrange these first two sentences, in past tense: "'Kristy, would you please come up and see me?' Miss Candy asked me. She (don't repeat her name) was one of the science teachers at my school."

As soon as I got to her desk she asked

Try not to use "got" in writing -- it's a very informal word, and it's best for it to only appear in dialogue. Instead, substitute it, with words such as, "arrived", "came", "reached".

“I failed another test,” I told him quietly well trying not to seem too disappointed.

While.

The great thing about Zach is that he really cares about me and he’s not just saying that. Everyone can tell that he truly means it. He is also very helpful and enjoys hanging out with my family too. My father used to enjoy talking with him about basketball and football.

- This is present tense. Should be past.
- You shouldn't be telling us the great things about Zach. You shouldn't tell us that he is helpful. You need to SHOW us these things as you progress with the actions of the story. Such as, he is shown to be helpful because he says very encouraging things to Kristy, for example. You should never actually tell us what a character is like

“Not that kind of date a study date. If it was that kind a date we would we probably go out to the movies or just hang out at home and play games and stuff.” Zach teased.

The period at the end of the dialogue should be a comma.

“Wow!!!!!!!!!!” I exclaimed, “That’s great. You’ve had a crush on him forever and now he finally asked you out!”

- Only one exclamation point, darling!
- And period at the end of the dialogue tag. "I exclaimed."

HEY CHARACTER, HOW YOU FEELIN'?
This is all a lot of action. Kristy talks to her teacher, Kristy talks to her boyfriend, but really there's almost no point in the story unless we know exactly what Kristy is feeling and thinking as she realizes she's failed, as she feels dizzy, as her friend tells her the news. Especially since this is in first person, you should be focusing a lot on what your character is actually feeling and thinking. Go back and read this, notice the lack of expression - emote where YOU feel your character needs to emote. If someone told you that you failed again, how would you feel? Or better yet, you know this character of yours -- you know how SHE would feel.

What are you trying to show us through Kristy? Think of the five senses: taste, touch, sight, sound, smell. Incorporate that into your writing, into your descriptions, and into your main character's reactions to the world around her. After all, that is how we all interact with the world. It's important to include sensory experience in your writing. Of course, not in abundance!

By writing and rewriting, you can experiment and notice different things that work and things that don't work. Writing is a process. And don't ever stop writing!

Comb through this story and add more. Keep writing.

PM me if you have questions! I hope this was helpful.

~ Clo

This is the same story where Jordan is in college and her crazy mom and all that right? oh wait, haha yea it is sorry brain fart. I loved it and it was really easy to get into! I could see why Justdance got a little confused though. I had to read it twice and then I got that Kelsey was saying that she got asked out on a date, not Kristy. You need to put the rest that I have read at school in it though! It's really good just keep adding the rest please!