"Ever hear of the phrase, Banging you're head on a brick wall?"
"Ah, but you forget, Darren, vampires can break brick walls with their heads." - Cirque du Freak by Darren Shan
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Ummm... I don't know how to say this and be nice... is this really a poem? It looks more like a relation to words. If that's what you were doing, then wonderful! I found this... true and... interesting! I've never really seen a poem quite like this.
Welcome to YWS!
-Tex
Religion without science is lame; science without religion is blind.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.
Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.
There comes a point were abstract poetry is no longer poetry at all. I saw a poem once - a published one - where all it was was the word 'lost' over and over again structured into a shape. This was not poetry. It meant nothing. It is the same here. This piece is a list of words. Boring words at that. If I wanted that, I could look in a dictionary. Consider playing with ideas and concepts and using complex words and sentences to express yourself rather than emoting in the poetic equivalent of neanderthal-speak.
Bam
This is possibly what annoyed me most. 'Bam' contributes absolutely nothing to this list. It is amatuer and graceless. It was a feeble attempt at weaving some kind of onomonopedia into the mix. Cut it out.
In my opinion, I would take this idea and start over. Try to be a little less transcendental and give your reader a little more credit.
-Kylan
"I am beginning to despair and can see only two choices: either go crazy or turn holy."
ok, sounds good, i guess people just have different veiws on what poetry is, but thats okay. i was almost trying to do an ellen hopkins type of thing, but yeah Bam pretty much fails.
thanks!
"Ever hear of the phrase, Banging you're head on a brick wall?"
"Ah, but you forget, Darren, vampires can break brick walls with their heads." - Cirque du Freak by Darren Shan
Reply
I'm inclined to agree with Texan and Kylan, dear. This is not exactly a poem, but a list. I agree that some of the words aren't the best. But I have an idea for you! You've got a good set of words to work with, that can make up for a very nice poem. Find elegant synonyms for the words in your list; words or phrases that create images in the readers mind. What's the darkness like? Does the narrator fall on his/her knees? What's the pain like? After you've got an even better list of words, lace it into a poem. Make sure there's at least three words per line.
I did not mean to be harsh, but truly, this is a list. But a good one, I can assure you. Hey, if you do transform it into the poem, you could PM me and I'll take another look. I'd be happy to review again.
Good luck!
-Holly
eviscerate your fragile frame spill it out in ragged form a thousand different versions of yourself.
If this poem is about the narrator falling to his death, I congratulate you. And if it isn't, let me tell you something. Even if the whole world except you and me (I do think it's poetry) don't think it's poetry, it's poetry as long as you think it is.
I like the way you've made this like a decent into death. It grows darker and darker until it reaches Death.
Bu-ut, I think this would have a bit more punch if you were to turn each word into a line at least. Then we really would get something to think about, not just a sense of... well, decent.
PM me if you have any questions.
~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo
Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
this intrigues me.
i love the one word lines, but i had to read it a few times to get it.
it was ominous but i wish i knew the reason for all the running.
i realize that you were going for the one word simplictity and bluntness, but if i may suggest some punctuation to really emphasize a word or two. this may make it more understandable. instead of just saying death at the end, say death. (with the period it is more final and it sets it apart. Maybe you could even put a comma after running each time. i dont really know.
but this was lovely i admire your one-worded effectiveness.
keep on writing [=
