Death's Apprentice Chapter Three: Possibly

8 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1234
Reviews 15
“Whenever I freeze up like that, it means I haven’t taken anyone in a couple of minutes. They get longer the more I wait, and I see all those souls still following their bodies. They look kind of lost.” Death admitted as they walked.
He opened a strange door and let her in first. Ashy stepped onto the black cloud and waited for Death to enter. Death shut the door behind him firmly, unsheathed his scythe, and held it out like a walking stick on the cloud.
Death closed his eyes and looked as though he was focusing, and then the cloud started to move. Ashy stumbled back for a moment, and then stumbled forward and held onto Death’s cloak to prevent from falling off.
“Where are we going?” Ashy asked, bewildered. The world showed up beneath them, sliding under them quickly. She saw Florida, where she had lived. They were sliding over to California.
“Hollywood. There’s going to be a horrible accident that includes two buses and a semi. We’ll be busy. Gather as many people as you can and bring them over to me.” Death murmured.
“What?” Ashy asked, terribly confused.
“The souls. You can tell who they are. Their skin looks slightly blue. Remember, no living person can see you, so don’t touch them. It’s dangerous for us.” Death explained to her as they descended. They were at a four-way intersection. The cloud disappeared all of the sudden. Ashy gripped Death’s cloak fearfully.
“It’s okay. You won’t fall. Besides, you’ll never feel pain again. You’re already dead.” Death murmured, touching her hand gently. Carefully, Ashy let go, and then stepped forward. It felt as though she was still on the cloud.
Ashy grinned and walked forward slowly, and then a little quicker. She then ran happily around in a circle, and then went back over to Death, who was watching her with an amused look on his face.
“Sorry,” Ashy breathed. “How do you go up and down?” At that moment, Ashy dropped out of the sky. She let out a startled yell. Death floated down quickly and grabbed her, pulling her back up to his side. She clung to him fearfully, staring wide-eyed at the busy roads.
“Like that. Please stay close. I don’t want any of those souls that are about to be released grabbing you and pulling you down into their midst.” Death murmured, letting go of her arm.
Ashy let go of Death and stood next to him, waiting silently. The cars were going awfully slow. “Why is everything so slow?” Ashy asked.
“We need time to see who has a chance of living and who doesn’t. Everything goes slow when you’re dead. You just don’t realize it. A whole two hours have passed ever since you died.” Death said, his pale eyes darting around the roads.
“Two hours? I thought it was like... Two days. Time does go awfully slow.” Ashy said, frowning.
“Ah. Here’s our next job.” Death said as a semi pulled around the corner of one of the intersections. The red light came on, and a bus driver pulled out in front of it, and another bus pulled out from another intersection.
Ashy turned away just in time to hear a horrible wail fill the air. She didn’t dare look. “Go on and look. It’s not as bad when you’re dead. It might seem disgusting, but most of the horror you feel is caused because you’re actually afraid it’ll happen to you.” Death said gently. Ashy turned to look.
The semi had fallen on its side, and a light blue driver was floating out through the door, looking sad. About twenty other blue spirits were floating above the bus, unsure of what to do. Another ten were still climbing out of their bodies.
Death descended and Ashy held onto his cloak, letting him drag her down. Death began to gather the people in a group. Ashy moved over to the driver, who was staring mournfully at his body.
“Sir?” Ashy asked. The driver spun around and looked at her wide-eyed.
“Who are you?” He asked, panicked. Ashy didn’t say anything but simply reached out and took the man’s hand. She pulled him over to the group that Death was gathering and left him there. She turned to look around. Death had gathered most of them.
Ashy wondered the remains of the wreck, hearing slow sirens in the distance. Ashy saw a girl, sitting near the body of a woman that had flown out the window. She looked up when Ashy came. “Can you come with me?” Ashy asked softly, holding her hand out.
“Where are we going?” The girl asked, sniffling.
“Somewhere safe. See those people over there? Your mom’s with them. We’ll go find her.” Ashy murmured. The girl took Ashy’s hand and Ashy led her off. She weaved through the spirits, some of whom grabbed her and begged her to let them stay in their bodies. She ignored them.
The girl suddenly ran forward and ran into her mother’s arms. Ashy smiled softly and weaved back through the crowd to Death. She took her place at his right side and fell silent, watching his movements as he directed them.
Death suddenly turned to her. “Go find the people that can survive and lead them back into their bodies.” Death instructed her. Ashy weaved through the crowd again, every once and a while grabbed someone and taking them back into their bodies.
When she was done, Ashy returned to Death again. “Good. You missed someone, though.” Death murmured, motioning to the little girl. Ashy looked at him mournfully.
“Do I have to?” Ashy asked.
“How do you think the dad’s gonna feel when he learned both his wife and daughter died?” Death asked.
Ashy frowned, and whispered, “But a girl shouldn’t grow up without knowing her mom.” Death looked at her for a moment, watching her facial features. This girl was so strange....
“All right. Put her mom back in. But you have to take back one life.” Death said. Ashy stared at him again.
“Why?” She asked, startled.
“We have to keep the balance even. If we don’t, then very bad things happen.” Death said, looking down at the wreck. The Police, fire trucks and ambulances were arriving. They set to work on finding survivors.
Ashy went over to the mom and her daughter and led them back to their bodies. In turn, she took an old man whose wife had died ten years ago. He was very old, and was going to die in a couple months anyway, so Ashy didn’t feel too bad about it.
Death took her to several more places around the world until they had gathered a huge group of spirits on the black clouds, where they stayed. Death took her around the world, and they reached the United States again.
Death took Ashy down to the state of Illinois, into a hospital, where a woman had just died. She was floating by her son, who was sitting with his knees up in the chair, head in between his knees, tears leaking down his face. That was the only family he had. Now he had no one left. He was only fifteen.
Death moved towards the woman, holding his hand out gently. “I’m here to take you.” Death murmured softly. The woman looked back at her son, who was sobbing.
“I really shouldn’t leave him...” The woman began.
“He’ll be fine, ma’am.” Ashy told her. The woman saw her and looked at her in shock.
“You are much too young to be dead.” The woman murmured. Ashy shrugged her shoulders and moved over to the woman’s body like Death had shown her in Ireland and made sure that every single part of her spirit was gone from her.
The son looked up and looked right where Ashy was. For a moment, he was staring right at her. He was staring right into her green eyes. Then he reached out to touch her, to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating. Ashy was too stunned to really do anything. His hand moved closer to her. He was so close to touching her arm.
“No!” Death darted over to her and grabbed her away, pulling her away from the boy that was reaching out to her. Death held Ashy close, his chest heaving. Ashy was too shocked that she couldn’t even breathe. Weakness overcame her, and she fell limp in Death’s arms.
Death swooped his arms under her legs and picked her up. “Come on.” He snapped at the woman. Startled, the woman followed him back up to the cloud. Ashy’s head lolled back, her breath barely coming.
Death went back to the storage rooms, and then to his own resting place, where he lay Ashy on the bed. He sat down next to her, and waited.
There are only two keys to a good life: the key to happiness, and the key to the house

-Marie Wingbane




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9593
Reviews 216
How could the boy see Ashy?

“Whenever I freeze up like that, it means I haven’t taken anyone in a couple of minutes. They get longer the more I wait, and I see all those souls still following their bodies. They look kind of lost.” Death admitted as they walked.
Not a very strong sentence to begin with, and I had to read it over a couple of times before I got the just of it. :(
When I was reading the story, I noticed that you had good descriptive language, and very few/if not no grammatical errors. The story of death is a little Cliche though :(

Nice work, Could you please PM me when the next chapter is up?
Looking foward to it! :D :D




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1234
Reviews 15
The reason the boy could see Ashy is never explained. Its just an oddity in the physical world. I think I might explain it someday....

I know its cliche, but that's what I like about it. I think its fun to write cliche things and twist them around. Twilight was cliche, but I was writing about vampires way before that came out.

Thanks for the mention. Have you read the other chapters yet? Gets confusing if you start in the middle of the book.... I'll PM you when i get the next chapter up!!!!!!

Thanks again for critisizing!!!!
There are only two keys to a good life: the key to happiness, and the key to the house

-Marie Wingbane




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 3
HO NO! What happened to Ashy?! Curse you unusually-sensitive-to-the-spirit-world kid! Anyway, How old is Ashy? She seems to be around the ages of 10-13. . . And I don't think your story is cliche! I think its creative. I have a suggestion though: have you thought about combining some of the chapters together? They seem a little on the short side; like perhaps you could combine the first to chapters if you plan to publish? Other than that I have no problem and I hope you'll PM me for the next chapter too!!
if you would be a writer - then write!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1090
Reviews 36
Hello!!

Although I love this as I have loved the others, I think you could describe the scene of the accident a lot more. In saying that, however, your use of dialogue is great.

I disagree with what was said about the first sentence. I didn't find it weak. Instead, I thought it pulled us into the plot, which I liked.

The plot thickens here with the boy who could see her!! We have to know more!


Some parts are a little vague-maybe a bit more description throughout would be a good idea.

On the whole though, another highly enjoyable piece.
Looking forward to the next installement!!
'Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night'-Edgar Allan Poe

'Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent'-Eleanor Roosevelt




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1234
Reviews 15
Thanks for everyone's support on this story. I have finished it, I just haven't posted the story because I'm starting to get serious about getting it published. I'm not allowed to post the others, on my editor's request. Look for it in stores, if it ever comes out!
There are only two keys to a good life: the key to happiness, and the key to the house

-Marie Wingbane




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 49068
Reviews 373
When I read this I thought it was really interesting.
The last story I read in the perspective of someone dead was very good so my expectations were a little high. you did a really good job with this.

The one biggest problem I had was the lack of emotion in Ashy.
She has just died! Was her life terrible so she was glad? Or is she upset? I don't know but it seems weird that she is totally unreponsive to teh fact that she is dead. (But that's just me.)

Whenever I freeze up like that, it means I haven’t taken anyone in a couple of minutes. They get longer the more I wait, and I see all those souls still following their bodies. They look kind of lost.” Death admitted as they walked.

This sentence doesn't make much sense. It seems like you just wrote it down then never went back over it. The fact that it is Death that is speaking drawns people in but what he is saying is worthless to the reader., Try to find something that makes sense and has value.

You should describe what she see in the crash. Appeal to the 5 sense, or at least some. Not everyone has seen a serious crash or been in one, you need to create that experience for the reader.
Describe the smell, the sight. even the taste etc.


Otherwise this was really good. The Diaologue was quite well done especially.
Things to work on:
Character development (emotions)
Imagery

If you plan on getting this serious with this story I'd work on it more before that

Peace and Rock N' Roll

K A M A S :D
"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles." ~ Charles Chaplin

#tnt




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2878
Reviews 100
Hey! I absolutely LOVE this story. I read all of the chapters and honestly, I can't think of much to say. Except, as many people have already said, the image of death is rather old and has been seen too many times to count. (I personally like that image though. Besides, since it has been seen too many times to count it has to be the actual image right?) Everything else seems very new and imaginative though. I loved the image of life in the second chapter, and also the beginning of the first. It was very dramatic and threw me right into the storyline. You should describe Ashy a little more though. ie. Her hair color, eye color, age, ect. All in all a very interesting story. You are very talented.



Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
— Pablo Neruda