Young Writers Society

*This is my first story I've posted on here, please tear it apart with reviews*



Jake sat next to Zec at the back of their R.E class, next to t.he fire door. You would think leaning back on the fire door handle would be stupid, Yes it is but Jake nor Zec had ever fallen backward through it. Miss Lasedale walked around the class room, she was one of those teachers who acted tuff but would never give you a detention. Unless you stood up and called her a bitch. We were discussing a Jew who had sought out surviving Nazis and seen they meet justice. "By justice do you mean the death sentence like electric chair". Jake shacked in his chair like it was electric "that's very inappropriate Jake, Zec, Jake go sit next to Ella, Zec shut up"
"wooooaaaa" Max said, Max was a blond he was taller than most in the class and very annoying
"Go sit next to Sam Max" Miss Lasedale said Max looked shocked “Ha” Jake said sitting next to Ella. Ella was a quite girl who never really talked to any one she very much kept to her self and her family which was quite big. Their was her little brother Ben Ben, her older brother who was 15 he was called Josh, he looked tough with big muscles and a shaved head.
Her three older sisters, Rose,Olivia and Karly. Karly was one member of their family which did socialize with other people, she was actually very popular or though it was hard not too when you were as hot as she was. She also had about six cousins who lived with her but they kept so too their selves know one new their names "Hi" Jake said as people snickered "Hi" she replied looking down at her work Jake had never talked to her before. "so you um…have a big family"
"yeah kind of, you should see my sisters best friend family, now that's big" yeah sure Jake thought but he didn't talk out because he was afraid Josh might hurt him. Then she looked at him, and suddenly he couldn't look away for the rest of the lesson they chatted and laughed, talked about family and about school, sadly it was the last lesson and Jake was going to the Alps with his family for the Christmas brake. A the end lesson came to an end and Ella walked the door Jake walked up to Ella "hey aren't you even going to introduce me to your crazy family" Ella smiled "I don't think that's a very good idea" Ella said, Jake was sad as she walked over to her sister Rose, Jake really really liked Ella it was like puppy love.

Two weeks later

Ella comfortably rolled over in her bed. And realized she was covered in fur and had a snout, this wasen’t right only female werewolves who had syncronized could transform. Ella got up and looked at her self in the mirror, she saw a sleek blond werewolf looking back it’s snout not too big not too small, perfect her shaggy blond coat falling perfectly off her body. Before Ella could admire her self further, her dad opened the door Ella jumped to the door slamming it in his face
Anyone with werewolf genes could understand werewolf so her Dad wouldn’t be Abel to tell the difference“Ella, let me in, if theirs a boy in their I’ll…”
“no dad it’s not like that, it’s um puberty you know” Ella said making up an excuse
“ Well, Ella you know if you want to go to your happy place I’ll clean the”
“nooooo dad please just leave me alone”
“The offers always” Dad was cut off abruptly by Karly's voice she told him to go and I heard his heart rate go down he obviously was glad to be given an excuse to leave. Karly kicked the door open and Ella jumped under the covers. Karly went all gently now sitting on the end of Ella’s bed and stroking her wolf hair “please don’t tell mum or dad”
“ Don’t worry Ella I won’t tell mum or dad you will”
“What, no Karyl Ed will beat the crap out of him”
“You know who he is tell me” Karly said her face lighting up with the slip of tongue from Ella.
“No way, Ed will bat him up you’ll bloody kill him” Karly was very hypocritical she her self had synchronized but was totally against the idea. Ella looked in to Karlys perfect face and wondered if she would be as stunning as she was in a few weeks like most werewolves were.

*not really sure what the plots going to be just kind of typing and seeing what happens sorry if the grammars a bit off not my strong point This might belong in romantic fiction I'm not sure*

Hello, My name is Asxz, and it looks like I'll get first review.

Jake sat next to Zec at the back of their R.E class. next to the fire door

What is R.E? You should use it in full first, and then use the abbreviation later, that way the reader knows that it is not a reoccurring grammar error,eg. R.E. instead of P.E.

It should be a comma after class, instead of a full stop.

you would think leaning back on the fire door handle would be stupid, yes it is but Jake nor Zec had ever fallen backward through it.

capital letter for You, and Yes should start a new sentence, comma afterwards. Why are they leaning at the back of the class?

she was one of those teachers who acted tuff but would never! give you a detention. Unless you stood up and called her a bitch.

Tuff, Tough is spelt incorrectly, and never should be in italics and get rid of the exclamation mark.

Exclamation mark: punctuation mark (!) used after an exclamation at the end of a sentence.

semi colon after detention, it should not be a capital U for unless, because the second part it a
fragment of the sentence.

We were discussing a Jew who had sought out surviving Nazis and seen they meet justice.

Why were they discussing jews, and this sentence makes no sense, elaborate on it more, and make sure it makes sense when you edit it.

"by justice do you mean the death sentence like electric chair".

Capital b for justice, and comma after death sentence, question mark after electric chair.

Jake shacked in his chair like it was electric "that's very *This is my first story I've posted on here, please tear it apart with reviews*

It should be Jake shook, and you might want to rephrase that sentence, the ending doesn't sound right. Capital for that's, tripple dots after very, and you don't need to put that next part in, you already said it before, and you could put it at the end so we don't forget.

Jake sat next to Zec at the back of their R.E class. next to the fire door. you would think leaning back on the fire door handle would be stupid, yes it is but Jake nor Zec had ever fallen backward through it. Miss Lasedale walked around the class room, she was one of those teachers who acted tough but would never! give you a detention. Unless you stood up and called her a bitch. We were discussing a Jew who had sought out surviving Nazis and seen they meet justice. "by justice do you mean the death sentence like electric chair". Jake shacked in his chair like it was electric

See above ^^^

"that's very inappropriate Jake, Zec, Jake go sit next to Ella Zec shut up"

chould be a full stop after Zec. comma after Ella, and Zec shut up shouldn't be there; a teacher wouldn't say that to a student. also, would the teacher let Zec stay where he is, or move him to a different place aswell? Think realistically.

"wooooaaaa" Max said

Capital for wooooaaaa, and full stop after said. you might want to tell us who Max is, and not introduce him into the story like this. Perhaps something like:
as Jake was getting up from his chair, he heard a groan from beside him.

"go sit next to Sam Max" Miss Lasedale said Max looked shocked ha Jake said sitting next to Ella.

capital G for go, comma after Sam, full stop after said, capita H for ha, and speech marks around it. comma after Jake said, maybe jake retorted, or dsome other word than said?

Ella was a quite girl who never really talked to any one she very much kept to her self and her family which was quite big.

anyone is only one word, full stop after anyone. this next part is confusiing, how about:
She never really spoke to anyone but her family, even though it was quite big, and she kept to herself alot. (instead of everything on the quotes.)

Their was her little brother Ben Ben, her older brother who was 15 he was called Josh, he looked tough with big muscles and a shaved head.

There, not their. is her brother really called Ben Ben? we don't need to know about Joshs' age (how about: her older brother, Josh, who looked moer like an escaped convict.)

her three older sisters, Rose, Olivia and Karly. Karly was one member of their family which did socialize with other people she was actually very popular or though it was hard not too when you were as hot as she was.

the second sentence is too big, andd doensn't make mush sense when you read it out loud. capital H for Her, first word in quotes.

She also had about six cousins who lived with her but they kept so to their selves know one new their names

do we need to know this? sounds wrong, in bold try working around that.
full stop at the end of the sentence. know one, should be no-one

"Hi" Jake said as people snickered "Hi" she replied looking down at her work

capital for she, full stop after work

Jake had never talked to her before. "so you have a big family"

WOW, thats really what you say to someone... expecially a fragile girl who is shy, maybe evebn embarrased aboutr their family. capital S for so, and comma afterwards

more later, this critique is getting too big! good story, there are alot of grammar errors, you need to touch that up. Make it sound realistic, and re-read every sentence twice, to make sure it sounds perfect but other than that, it sounds good!

"Yeah kind of. You should see my sisters best friends' family, now that's big"

Changes in bold.

Yeah sure Jake thought, but he didn't talk out loud because he was afraid Josh might hurt him later.

Then she looked at him, and suddenly he couldn't look away. for the rest of the lesson they chatted and laughed, talked about family and about school. Sadly it was the last lesson, because Jake was going to the French Alps with his family for the Christmas break.

Wow, long sentence. Is this a love story by any chance? I really don't think that love at first sight would apply for people who have been in the same class for an entire year!

At the end of the lesson Jake walked up to Ella

Havent they been sitting next to each other and talking?

hey aren't you even going to introduce me to your crazy family"

capital H for Hey, question mark at the end of the sentence.

Ella smiled "I don't think that's a very good idea" Ella said, Jake was sad as she walked over to her sister Rose, he really liked her.

who does he like, her sister Rose or her? punctuation after Idea, and try to meke the sentence in bold a little more sublte,

Ella was worried not only had Ben Ben been really jumpy but tensions were growing with a new pack coming and trying to take their turf. Ella wished she could help but only female werewolves who had synchronized could transform, and that was the problem she could, she hadn't told anyone not yet no her family would hammer her especially her cousin Ed who was very protective of her, and her sister Rose even though she had already synchronized with a boy called Tim every body was convinced he was one of are cousins who lived with us. She was pretty sure she'd synchronized with Jake but she wouldn't be able to tell until she went to school tomorrow, if he was all kind of big tall looked older and was taller then she would know and she'd have to admit it too her family and bring him home. She wasn't looking forward to that part but, she was looking forward to seeing Jake again.

WOW, smack in the face... weave it into the next chapter, and expand, all of that, just in one paragraph... oh yeah, and so many grammatically incorrect words, punctuation i cant be bothered pointing them out.

Oh, sorry about that, I was revieving as I went. Yeah, this does belong in romantic fiction, unless you are going to make it more about the warewolves fighting.

i think that last paragraph could be woven into the next chapter, like... you could skip to her while Jake is away, and see her lying to her family when she says she hasn't synchronized, and turning into a warewolf, that would explain it more, and you would be more sublte, and toke up more room in your book ( I presume thats what it is!)

good story so far, just have to work out all of the kinks.

Yeah thanks for the review I was in bit of a rush when I route the last bit, and R.E [Religious education] it's just what it's called in my school I forgot it's not the same everywhere. In Fact the hole story is just some thing I thought of while watching Obama on the TV so I wasn't really paying attention while I wrote it., will do for the next chapter. If you want to read the next chapter I'm gonna post it in romantic fiction, until it get's more action.