Prologue - Orilie Davis

11 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 189
Prologue: Orilie Davis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My name is Orilie Davis, and I have a story to tell. You see, when my paw died in June all there was left was momma, and she ain’t no saint. We live in southern Alabama, middle of nowhere if you ask me. Although, one house stood beside us, empty of course but I didn’t mind. It was like a playhouse, an escape from my mother. It had a brown roof with red brick walls, the windows cracked in places and they were covered in dust. On the inside, a couple of old couches were left and an old oak table. One time, I ventured into the attic and to my surprise I found a single portrait. It was magnificently painted; it must have cost a fortune. It was of an old lady in an elegant white dress, pearls draped around her neck, and a hat perched on her head. And I thought, what would she be doing here?

I didn’t stay long because It spooked me, the eyes, I couldn’t take it. When I got home, my mother of course, was drunk, and once again I was her punching bag. Although she never hit me, her words cut right through me. In her eyes I was nothing but a worthless pig, a good for nothing daughter who would never make anything of herself. I actually started to believe it, now; I don’t think I believe in anything anymore. Paw was the only one who’d ever cared for me, but now, he was gone. He died of a heart attack, can you believe it? Sure, he smoked, but he wasn’t a chimney like momma is. I miss him.

When he died, momma just looked at him, like he was another stranger in the crowd. She didn’t care about him. All she cared for was how much money he left when he died. When she finally found out how much he had left, she lit up a cigarette and sat in paw’s old, torn, and plaid recliner. She looked between her knees and cursed and started beating the chair with her fist. She took the will and crumbled it in her bony, cold fingers and threw it on the ground. I picked it up when she wasn’t looking and I read it, a smile plastered on my face.

She couldn’t do anything that day to make me feel bad. Then the booze started to pour down her throat. Nothing new. She was an angry drunk and she could find no better a person then me to release it on. Oh, and by the way, paw left us zero dollars and the shack we called a home. But he knew I was turning sixteen and he left me his baby. Yes, his old 65 ford pickup. I’m glad he didn’t leave any money; my mother would have squandered it anyways. I never knew why he loved her.

That summer I went to his grave every day, mainly to get away from momma, but also because I missed him. His grave was in the middle of the cemetery, surrounded by some family I never knew of. The dirt wasn’t all the way down yet, but some grass grew in patches. I also planted his favorite flowers by the head stone. They were only red petunias, but he swore they were the prettiest in the entire world. The best thing there was this huge weeping willow tree, its branches hanged all the way to the ground. Sometimes I’d go just to sit under it and think about things, I liked to think. One day though when I got home, Momma was waiting with some man.

Momma introduced him to me and he just started at me like a disease. He didn’t treat me well. He was always dressed in a plaid shirt that I swore was too small for him. I was afraid a button would burst at any moment. He had a thick black beard that I wanted to strangle him by and an appetite for beer. I almost died when he spilt beer on the recliner my dad used to sit in. All he said was, “oops.” I hated him, I almost wished that he would have a fate that my father had. The worst thing was when he fawned over her, calling her, “Honey” and “Sweetheart”. It made me gag, especially when they’d kiss. I thought about running away, but who would I go to? My life was truly horrible, well, that is until I met our new neighbors.

They moved in sometime towards the end of the summer. Two of the loveliest people you could ever meet. They invited me inside and when I did, the home was nothing like I remembered it. Smiling portraits hanged on the walls. The floor was wooden, and a grand piano sat in a corner. Chandeliers decorated the place and the best decoration, was their son. Troy was his name, I first saw him while he was shirtless, washing his car. His muscles rippled down his body and his arms were perfect. His stomach looked like I could crack walnuts on it.

I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t go near him until later on in the week. I think he was the only person that made me smile since paw. Did I say I missed him? Anyway, he saw me looking at him and he smiled. His eyes looked like they could melt you. Heck, his body could have melted anyone. When he looked at me I blushed and I felt he could see every secret I had inside of me. I looked down and back up again, he was coming towards me.
Last edited by Jon on Wed Jan 21, 2009 8:48 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Gay Writing/Support Group. Gay or not, spread the word!

Support GLBT people -- God does.

Got YWS?




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 6
wisemann210 wrote:Prologue: Orilie Davis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I actually started to believe it, now; I don’t think I believe in anything anymore.
It doesn't flow, it took me three reads to understand exactly what you meant. You did mean she used to believe her mothers words but now she doesn't, right? Anyway, I'd consider rewording it, or adjust the grammar perhaps?

She looked between her knees and cursed and started beating the chair with her fist.
And repetition is a pet peeve of mine... Perhaps 'She looked between her knees, cursed then started beating the chair with her fist.' also, which fist? I'm a little obsessed with small details like left and right, for me they make a story real. Of course there has to be a balance or it'll just make the story technical. *looks around*

I never knew why he loved her.
I love that line. Simplistic, yes, but oh so true. I don't think many children understand why their parents loved each other, if indeed they ever did.

He was always dressed in a plaid shirt that bulged in the front because of his stomach.
That description just doesn't sit well with my... I'm not sure it, it's just a bit... vague. I do get that he's a large man, but you could say it another way. Perhaps 'He was always dressed in a plaid shirt that was several sizes too small, the gaps between buttons and stretched fabric revelling small patches of bloated stomach.' or something like that?

He drank as well.
You've already said he likes beer, give your audience some credit. :P

Overall

More description! I have the same problem, I just want to say it all, but showing it is more enjoyable for readers.

You've got a good solid base to work on, this is always good. Will it be a love story? I can't wait to find out. :D
Sometimes you have to look beyond what you see, if that fails... Just listen to Cher.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 189
Thankyou Hotaru, you made my day! I agree with everything said, I'll fix some of those things now.
A love story? Maybe, I mean, there will be love in it...

Thanks again,


---Jon---
:D
Gay Writing/Support Group. Gay or not, spread the word!

Support GLBT people -- God does.

Got YWS?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 273
I don't have enough time to do a real critique just now :( So I'm going to do one of those annoying nit-picky things, then I'll come back later and actually do a review ;)

My name is Orilie Davis, and I have a story to tell.

Slightly cliched beginning, but I wouldn't worry too much. xD Maybe you could add in a bit of Orilie's adorable personality here..? Maybe you could add a little something, something like "Come sit by the fire, on your way in..." Just add a little something to make it a bit different y'no, just 'cuz I know how good your writing is and I want you to improve upon the opening line 'cuz the rest is much better. ;)
You see, when my paw died in June all there was left was momma, and she ain’t no saint.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE that line ;) Seriously, it made my day... no, my life ;) Sure, it might be a bit too much telling and not showing, but that's fine, later you can go on to show us this quality in situations. Seriously... I love that line so much ;)
We live in southern Alabama, middle of nowhere if you ask me. Although, one house stood beside us

Stood beside us? I think you mean stands, seeing as you're talking in present tense. We live, etc etc,
empty of course
comma
but I didn’t mind. It was like a playhouse, an escape from my mother. It had a brown roof with red brick walls, the windows cracked in places and they were covered in dust. On the inside, a couple of old couches were left and an old oak table.
There's something a bit strange about the tenses: up at the top part of this paragraph you say: I live in Alabama, however, in the latter part of the paragraph you start speaking in past tense /is confused :lol:
One time, I ventured into the attic and to my surprise I found a single portrait. It was magnificently painted; it must have cost a fortune. It was of an old lady in an elegant white dress, pearls draped around her neck, and a hat perched
personifying hats = epic win ;) I love that :D [/quote]on her head. And I thought, what would she be doing here?


I didn’t stay long because It spooked me, the eyes, I couldn’t take it. When I got home, my mother of course, was drunk, and once again I was her punching bag. Although she never hit me, her words cut right through me.[/quote] Aw... so bittersweet.
In her eyes I was nothing but a worthless pig, a good for nothing daughter who would never make anything of herself. I actually started to believe it, now; I don’t think I believe in anything anymore. Paw was the only one who’d ever cared for me, but now, he was gone. He died of a heart attack, can you believe it? Sure, he smoked, but he wasn’t a chimney like momma is.
I love little details like chimney :lol: it makes the story so much more real.
I miss him.
Poor Orilile, I love how she doesn't go on and on about missing him though, so it doesn't turn into an angsty story, that... would quite frankly be terrible. You make it quite the opposite though ;)


When he died, momma just looked at him
Looked at him? :shock: his grave? Or his coffin? How can she see him if he is dead? *Is slightly freaked out :lol: *,
like he was another stranger in the crowd. She didn’t care about him. All she cared for was how much money he left when he died. When she finally found out how much he had left, she lit up a cigarette and sat in paw’s old, torn, and plaid recliner. She looked between her knees and cursed and started beating the chair with her fist. She took the will and crumbled it in her bony, cold fingers and threw it on the ground. I picked it up when she wasn’t looking and I read it, a smile plastered on my face.


She couldn’t do anything that day to make me feel bad. Then the booze started to pour down her throat. Nothing new. She was an angry drunk and she could find no better a person then me to release it on. Oh, and by the way, paw left us zero dollars and the shack we called a home. But he knew I was turning sixteen and he left me his baby. Yes, his old 65 ford pickup. I’m glad he didn’t leave any money; my mother would have squandered it anyways. I never knew why he loved her.
Nice musing quality.


That summer I went to his grave every day, mainly to get away from momma, but also because I missed him. His grave was in the middle of the cemetery, surrounded by some family I never knew of. The dirt wasn’t all the way down yet, but some grass grew in patches.
I love how this almost signifies hope. How it is so easily torn away, ie, grass can be ripped off of the ground, and how it comes in ragged patches, sometimes there, sometimes not
I also planted his favorite flowers by the head stone. They were only red petunias, but he swore they were the prettiest in the entire world. The best thing there was this huge weeping willow tree, its branches hanged all the way to the ground. Sometimes I’d go just to sit under it and think about things, I liked to think. One day though when I got home, Momma was waiting with some man.


Momma introduced him to me and he just started at me like a disease. He didn’t treat me well. He was always dressed in a plaid shirt that I swore was too small for him. I was afraid a button would burst at any moment. He had a thick black beard that I wanted to strangle him by and an appetite for beer. I almost died when he spilt beer on the recliner my dad used to sit in. All he said was, “oops.” I hated him, I almost wished that he would have a fate that my father had. The worst thing was when he fawned over her, calling her, “Honey” and “Sweetheart”. It made me gag, especially when they’d kiss. I thought about running away, but who would I go to? My life was truly horrible, well, that is until I met our new neighbors.


They moved in sometime towards the end of the summer. Two of the loveliest people you could ever meet. They invited me inside and when I did, the home was nothing like I remembered it. Smiling portraits hanged on the walls. The floor was wooden, and a grand piano sat in a corner. Chandeliers decorated the place and the best decoration, was their son. Troy was his name, I first saw him while he was shirtless, washing his car. His muscles rippled down his body and his arms were perfect. His stomach looked like I could crack walnuts on it.


I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t go near him until later on in the week. I think he was the only person that made me smile since paw. Did I say I missed him? Anyway, he saw me looking at him and he smiled. His eyes looked like they could melt you. Heck, his body could have melted anyone. When he looked at me I blushed and I felt he could see every secret I had inside of me. I looked down and back up again, he was coming towards me.


I loved this Jon ;) I promise I'll do you a critique, bug me and bug me and bug me. xD I can't do it just now, but later... I promise. xD

~Kirsten
xxx
for what are we without words and stories?




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 189
Thankyou Kirsten! What are you talking about! That was a good critique, but, if you want to do a better one, go for it! :lol:


Thankyou so much, I'm glad you liked it!



Thanks again,


---Jon---
:D
Gay Writing/Support Group. Gay or not, spread the word!

Support GLBT people -- God does.

Got YWS?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 368
Reviews 456
You see, when my paw died in June all there was left was momma, and she ain’t no saint.


Perfect sounthern accent, but I think through the story you lose it.

It had a brown roof with red brick walls, the windows cracked in places and they were covered in dust.


Good description! I don't see much of that in here besides when you are descibing the new neioghbors. Do you ever describ what her father looked like... does he look like her? Or does she resemble her mom? Is her attitude and personality just like her moms or dads?

On the inside, a couple of old couches were left and an old oak table. One time, I ventured into the attic and to my surprise I found a single portrait. It was magnificently painted; it must have cost a fortune. It was of an old lady in an elegant white dress, pearls draped around her neck, and a hat perched on her head. And I thought, what would she be doing here?


I don't see real realavence(sp?) for the description of the painting in the attic. Or her adventure in the attic. I think it's unneeded.

When I got home, my mother of course, was drunk, and once again I was her punching bag. Although she never hit me, her words cut right through me.


Awesome similies!

I actually started to believe it, now; I don’t think I believe in anything anymore.


This bit is confusing, and a bit wordy.

When she finally found out how much he had left, she lit up a cigarette and sat in paw’s old, torn, and plaid recliner. She looked between her knees and cursed and started beating the chair with her fist. She took the will and crumbled it in her bony, cold fingers and threw it on the ground. I picked it up when she wasn’t looking and I read it, a smile plastered on my face.


Great way to keep us on the edge of our chairs!

She was an angry drunk, and she could find no better a person then me to release it on.


missing a coma a few other places, but with a quick read through you could find them.

Oh, and by the way, paw left us zero dollars and the shack we called a home. But he knew I was turning sixteen and he left me his baby. Yes, his old 65 ford pickup. I’m glad he didn’t leave any money; my mother would have squandered it anyways. I never knew why he loved her.


Nice blunt way to say yeah my mom is money hungry, never loving and my dad knew it. :)

That summer I went to his grave every day, mainly to get away from momma, but also because I missed him. His grave was in the middle of the cemetery, surrounded by some family I never knew of. The dirt wasn’t all the way down yet, but some grass grew in patches. I also planted his favorite flowers by the head stone. They were only red petunias, but he swore they were the prettiest in the entire world. The best thing there was this huge weeping willow tree, its branches hanged all the way to the ground. Sometimes I’d go just to sit under it and think about things, I liked to think.


Nice description, but it could be more indepth. A use of a bigger vocabulary could help you.


One day though when I got home, Momma was waiting with some man.


After this I dont think you show how she feels about this man enough. Of course she doesn't like him, but I need more as reader to fully understnad whats going through her mind as she does this. Its a little fast paced.

I almost died when he spilt beer on the recliner my dad used to sit in. All he said was, “oops.” I hated him, I almost wished that he would have a fate that my father had.


This also needs more explaing and showing of her emotions about what was her dads, and how now no one cares (she seems to think) but her.

Two of the loveliest people you could ever meet.


more description is needed her of the new neighbors.


Overall:

Great start! The story line is awesome, and you have provided many directions in which you could go. I think there should be more description and emotions. But beside that I think you did an awesome job!

|Hope this helps at least a little!

~Tiffany
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 189
Thank You! I'll definitely fix those things!


Much appreciated,


---Jon---
:D
Gay Writing/Support Group. Gay or not, spread the word!

Support GLBT people -- God does.

Got YWS?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 11
First of all I love this prologue!!! Even though it is very strong I still have soem pointers.

First, give some forshadowing about the plot. There's a little forshadowing when you talk about the new family and the cute son, but make the forshadowing stronger. Make us wan't to know what happens next. This could easily be the first chapter, not the prologue. Also, you used "plaid" twice here.

she lit up a cigarette and sat in paw's old, torn, and plaid recliner


and

He was always dressed in a plaid shirt that I swore was too small for him.


You probably really like plaid. Thats not a bad thing, but I think you should change one of them. Also I can't really see a chair being plaid? Maybe thats just me. Striped? Flowered? nvm.

Second, it took me a while to understand this:

They moved in sometime towards the end of the summer. Two of the loveliest people you could ever meet. They invited me inside and when I did, the home was nothing like I remembered it.


You might want to clarify where the lovely people moved into. I figured it was the house next door, but it was confusing at first.

Third, I liked your whole southern theme. Very nice, but you seemed to have lost interest in narrating/writing with a stereotypical southern accent.

Lastly- I'm not sure if "paw" is correct? Shouldn't it be "pa"?? It doesn't really matter, but it sounds a litte odd.

Overall this is an aweseome piece of writing! I can't wait to read the rest if you continue this writing.

PM me if you have any questions :)

CF




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 189
Thank you so much. I agree on the plaid thing, I'll definitely change it!


Thankyou,


---Jon---
:D
Gay Writing/Support Group. Gay or not, spread the word!

Support GLBT people -- God does.

Got YWS?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2834
Reviews 131
Hey! Sorry it took a little while to get this together, but I've read this a couple of times and tried to go over all of the things that are grammatically incorrect, wonky, or otherwise could be adjusted. : ) You have the very nice makings of a story, and and you have a good ear for first person narration. I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with this story.

Okay. Moving on to the actual story now.

My name is Orilie Davis, and I have a story to tell. You see, when my paw died in June all there was left was momma, and she ain’t no saint.


You have two things here: one, an opening line that is kind of overused ("My name is Blankity Blank") and doesn't really draw the reader into the story in any real way, and a second line that is much more interesting, that does pull a reader in, that establishes a number of things in one go. Guess what I'm going to suggest? You should most definitely cut out the first sentence of your story (it's only hindering the narrative right now, not helping it) and start the story with "When my paw died in June, all that was left was momma, and she ain't no saint. " The bolded comma needs to be added and "there' should be "that".

We live in southern Alabama, middle of nowhere if you ask me.


The comma after "Alabama" is out of place there, but the good news is that you can replace it with a period or a dash and retain the sentence flow that I think you were trying to achieve. So, "We live in southern Alabama — middle of nowhere, if you ask me." Or, "We live in southern Alabama. Middle of nowhere, if you ask me."

Although, one house stood beside us, empty of course but I didn’t mind.


This sentence is a little jarring for a couple of things.

First, there shouldn't be a comma after "although" but there should be one after "of course".

Secondly, you jumped right from talking about general surroundings (Alabama, middle of nowhere) to very specific surroundings (the house beside them) with absolutely no segue. You need some kind of transition. Are those the only two houses nearby, or do they live in a neighbourhood, some kind of suburb? Is it a nice neighbourhood, a low-income neighbourhood, or are those just two houses surrounded by acres of grass and nothing else? Is this a small town or a city? As it stands right now, it seems like those two houses are the only two houses around, especially because the last sentence says they live "in the middle of nowhere."

It was like a playhouse, an escape from my mother. It had a brown roof with red brick walls, the windows cracked in places and they were covered in dust.
On the inside, a couple of old couches were left and an old oak table. One time, I ventured into the attic and to my surprise I found a single portrait. It was magnificently painted; it must have cost a fortune. It was of an old lady in an elegant white dress, pearls draped around her neck, and a hat perched on her head. And I thought, what would she be doing here?


This feels less like an actual scene and more like one big infodump. What would make it an actual scene is this: to actually have Orilie fight with her mother, then escape outside. Cue description of the house, cue exploration of said house, cue thoughts about her mother and how this is an escape from her.

I think the idea of the house being a sanctuary would be significantly more powerful if you did show them fighting. You also get to reinforce the idea that her mother "ain't no saint", we get a better idea of Orilie as a person (versus Orilie as a narrator) and we're seeing things through her eyes. We get to see her reactions to big things and little things, and that really helps to bring the reader in.

I didn’t stay long because It spooked me, the eyes, I couldn’t take it.


A couple of things:

"It" shouldn't be capitalized.

What's spooky about the eyes? Are they actually spooky, or are they unnerving? I think you need to elaborate on this a little more — not, like, a paragraph or anything, but maybe a brief sentence. As it stands right now, you describe the painting as beautiful and magnificent, but then she runs away because it's spooky. Does it make sense why that might be a little confusing? I'm just asking you to throw the reader a bone, something like, "I didn't stay long. The eyes spooked me, dark and wise and all-knowing." Or, "I didn't stay long. The eyes — they spooked me, [insert reason here]." Except, you know, better-written than my crappy examples. : ) Hopefully that makes sense.

When I got home, my mother of course, was drunk, and once again I was her punching bag. Although she never hit me, her words cut right through me. In her eyes I was nothing but a worthless pig, a good for nothing daughter who would never make anything of herself.


Again, instead of just telling us what happened, how's about you show the scene where this happens? Right now it feels like you're summarizing. Instead of Orilie telling me that her mother is drunk, I want her to walk in and see her mother cradling a bottle of beer or something. Instead of the narrative flat-out telling me that she's called a worthless pig, you need the mother to appear in the scene and call Orilie a worthless pig.

This does a couple of things for us:

(1) Conflict. Conflict is one of the most fun and most interesting parts of a story; there's fewer ways that better establish two characters and their complete opposition to each other. It's also engaging for the reader. It just helps to spice the story up and make it interesting for the readers while simultaneously developing the plot and characters (see #2).

(2) Character development. Again, Orilie's interactions with her mother will do wonders to developing the character in the reader's eyes. So will her reactions to the things that her mother says. Again, instead of flat-out telling us that she's starting to doubt herself, that she's beginning to believe all of the things that her mother says, you can have that scene with her drunk mother insulting her. Maybe Orilie sits and takes it. Maybe she stammers some kind of response and then falters and shuts up. Maybe she says, "No, I'm not," but it's kind of weak and unconvincing.

(3) The little stuff. You get to sneak in little details that make the entire story richer, more vivid to the readers. Stuff like the way her mother looks — maybe she's dishevelled, wearing clothes she's been wearing for the past week. Maybe their house is a mess. Maybe we see the piles of cardboard takeout boxes that show her mother hasn't cooked since her father died. Maybe there's a radio playing too loudly. All of these are examples, of course, but you get the idea. This is a great time to slip in all of the little things that help us imagine Orilie and her life.

When he died, momma just looked at him, like he was another stranger in the crowd.


No comma after "him". Also, when you say "when he died", do you mean "when she found his body" or "when she first saw his corpse", or something completely different? "When he died" is way too vague for "momma just looked at him". (This would also be a great time to find out where and how he died. We know he died of a heart attack, but did he die at home? Did her mother discover the body? These aren't necessary details, and you don't need to add them here, but they help.)

When she finally found out how much he had left, she lit up a cigarette and sat in paw’s old, torn, and plaid recliner.


You don't need the "and" in between "torn" and "plaid", and in fact it only makes the sentence a little clunkier. Keep it at "paw's old, torn, plaid recliner".

I also just wanted to stop and say that I really liked this image. : )

. She looked between her knees and cursed and started beating the chair with her fist. She took the will and crumbled it in her bony, cold fingers and threw it on the ground. I picked it up when she wasn’t looking and I read it, a smile plastered on my face.


I'm having a little difficulty visualizing this scene. When she looks between her knees, what is she looking at? The will? Or is she just doing a vacant stare thing? And wasn't she already holding the will? It would be great if you could clarify this a little.

Oh, and by the way, paw left us zero dollars and the shack we called a home. But he knew I was turning sixteen and he left me his baby. Yes, his old 65 ford pickup. I’m glad he didn’t leave any money; my mother would have squandered it anyways. I never knew why he loved her.


I feel like alllllll of this should be with the bit about the will. As in, this entire quoted bit should directly follow "I picked it up when she wasn't looking and I read it, a smile plastered on my face." As it is right now, you jump from the will to her mother's boozing and then right back to the will, in kind of a haphazard way. Putting all of the will-related stuff together flows a bit better.

The dirt wasn’t all the way down yet, but some grass grew in patches.


You can easily replace "all the way down yet" with a verb, which (a) makes your sentence a little less clunky and (b) a little more descriptive than what you have now. Something like, "trampled" or "beaten down" or smoothed over" or "levelled". Consult a thesaurus at will.

I also planted his favorite flowers by the head stone.


No need for the "also", it just adds unneeded weight to the sentence.

The best thing there was this huge weeping willow tree, its branches hanged all the way to the ground.


Two things: one, "The best thing there was" should be "the best thing was that there was" or "the best part was" or even just "there was this". As it is right now, it's grammatically incorrect.

And the other thing is that "hanged" should be "hung". Or better yet, a more descriptive word like "drooped".

Sometimes I’d go just to sit under it and think about things, I liked to think.


The comma after "things" should be a dash or a period. So, "and think about things — I liked to think." OR, "think about things. I liked to think."

One day though when I got home, Momma was waiting with some man.


No need for the "though" (again, just makes your sentence a little clunky). There should, however, be a comma after "day".

Momma introduced him to me and he just started at me like a disease.


I think you mean "stared", not "started". : )

He didn’t treat me well. He was always dressed in a plaid shirt that I swore was too small for him. I was afraid a button would burst at any moment.


This is awkward because you jump from a specific scene — as in, the first time she ever meets him — to listing things that she learns about him after numerous visits. (He always a plaid shirt, drinks copious amounts of beer, etc.) I'd suggest finishing up the scene where she meets him, or at least, expanding it on a little. Having dialogue here would be great. We get to see what kind of man this is and we also get to see her resentment/general dislike of him. And again: we get to see reactions. The reactions of her mother, fawning over the man (or just drinking beer in the background), the reaction of Orilie (fists tightening, whatever), and the reactions of the man. All of which help build a stronger story.

The worst thing was when he fawned over her, calling her, “Honey” and “Sweetheart”.


If you're not going to specify who "her" is, I would suggest italicizing her. So, "The worst thing was when he fawned over her". Which would have the side effect of showing her dislike for her mom; she can't even be bothered to dignify her with the title of mother.

My life was truly horrible, well, that is until I met our new neighbors.


The comma after the "horrible" should be a dash or a period. You know the drill. : ) And there should be a comma after "that is". (I would suggest cutting out the "well", it's a little clunky. And, if you're feeling especially editor-y, even cut out the "that is", so you have "Until I met our new neighbours.")

Smiling portraits hanged on the walls.


"Hanged" should be "hung".

Chandeliers decorated the place and the best decoration, was their son.


There shouldn't be a comma after "decoration".

Also, tee hee at Orilie. : )

I also really think that the meeting with the neighbours warrants an actual scene. Again, I can't stress enough how much it helps to have an actual scene, with dialogue and descriptions and reactions and actions and things, how much it builds the story for the reader and draws them in and makes everything twelve times more interesting. Right now, the description of her meeting with the neighbours is wayyyy too much like a summary. Liven it up a little! Have the characters interact, and then describe their interactions. It will transform the story.

Troy was his name,


The comma should be a period.

When he looked at me I blushed and I felt he could see every secret I had inside of me.


There should be a comma after the first "me".

I looked down and back up again, he was coming towards me.


The comma after "again" should be a semi-colon or a dash or a period. For dramatic purpose, I would suggest making it a period. I would also suggest making the "He was coming towards me" its own separate paragraph. So:

I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t go near him until later on in the week. I think he was the only person that made me smile since paw. Did I say I missed him? Anyway, he saw me looking at him and he smiled. His eyes looked like they could melt you. Heck, his body could have melted anyone. When he looked at me I blushed and I felt he could see every secret I had inside of me. I looked down and back up again.

He was coming towards me.


Okay! So that's the whole prologue. I really do think this could be a LOT longer, or even two separate chapters. The father's funeral and the mother's drinking problem could be their own chapter and the mother's new boyfriend and the new neighbours could be the next one. Or you could just have a really really long prologue, which is fine. : )

I do think, however, that you definitely definitely definitely need to have 72% more detail. I tried to point out all of the specific bits of the prologue that could be expanded upon with dialogue and description, and I really do think that would help make the story a lot better.

I hope that helps. If you have any questions or need anything to be clarified, let me know and I will try to do my best to help. Good luck with editing!
"He yanked himself free and fled to the kitchen where something huddled against the flooded windowpanes. It sighed and wept and tapped continually, and suddenly he was outside, staring in, the rain beating, the wind chilling him, and all the candle darkness inside lost."




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 189
:shock:
Smaur, I agree with everything said.
All I have to say is, wow.
I think that was the most amazing critique I've ever gotten. Thank You so much!
I'm speechless. I completely agree, your review will definitely help me in editing this piece.


Thanks again,


---Jon---
:D
Gay Writing/Support Group. Gay or not, spread the word!

Support GLBT people -- God does.

Got YWS?



Go in fear of abstractions.
— Ezra Pound