The Dangerous Boyfriend

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Tonight was the night of the Sophmore's Annual Snowball winter dance. Jenna Applebaum was going with her boyfriend of four years, Jake Derters.

"Bye mom! Don't wait up for me, Jake and I will probably go to a movie after the dance." Jenna waved to her mother and started walking out to Jake's car, her blue satin dress trailing behind her.

"Hey Babe." said Jake as Jenna got into the car.

He gave her a quick kiss and started driving down the road.

"You look beautiful." said Jake, smiling at Jenna.

"You don't look too bad yourself." replied Jenna.

"Do you mind if we leave a little bit early, I have a bunch of tests tommorow." asked Jake.

"Yeah, Sure. I'm not a big fan of dances anyways, I just want to see all the dresses," replied Jen as she flashed a smile.

Jake was a straight A student since he was in grade school and he was very responsible, due to taking care of five other kids when he was young with his father always being at work and his mother dying when he was only two. Jenna loved Jake just the way he was, but she wished that he would let loose sometimes and not care about school.

They arrived at the highschool about five minutes after the dance had started.

"Hey!," said Jenna's friend, Becka, as she strolled over to the couple. "Hi Jake."

"Hey." replied Jenna.

Jake just smiled back at Becka and didn't say a word.

They danced through the night, Jenna usually with her group of friends, Jake usually sitting on the side with his friends. Occasionally, Jenna and Jake would dance but not often.

Nine turned to ten and ten turned to eleven and the couple still didn't leave the Snowball.

While Jenna was sitting with her friends, Jake came over, tripping over anything that was in his way.

"Hey, ready to go?" he asked.

"One minute, let me say goodbye to everybody first." Jenna replied.

"Come on Jenna, Let's go." Jake said sternly.

"Jake, one minute."

He pulled her from her seat aggresivly and pulled her out of the school.

" I said I wanted to go. Get in the car." Jake said, with a frown on his face.

"What is your problem? I just wanted to say goodbye. Have you been drinking?" She asked, fairly quickly.

"No. You know I don't drink." he replied.

Without saying a word, Jenna went off to Jake's car.

They started driving when Jake suddenly pulled off the road.
He started kissing Jenna and it turned into making out.

"Okay Jake, stop." Said Jenna pushing him off.

He continued.

"Stop!" she screamed, she used both of her hands to push him off.

He backed away but started swearing and smacked Jenna in the face.

Tears started streaming down Jenna's face and she tried to get out of the car.

"Jake, let me out. I want to walk home."

Jake flashed a devious smile, "Why Jenna? Are you afraid?"
Well, yes mate. See, I’m dishonest. And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It’s the honest ones you need to watch out for, because you never know when they’re going to do something incredibly..stupid.
Jack Sparrow<3




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"Hey Babe." said Jake as Jenna got into the car.

He gave her a quick kiss and started driving down the road.

"You look beautiful." said Jake, smiling at Jenna.

"You don't look too bad yourself." replied Jenna.





He pulled her from her seat aggresivly and pulled her out of the school.

" I said I wanted to go. Get in the car." Jake said, with a frown on his face.

"What is your problem? I just wanted to say goodbye. Have you been drinking?" She asked, fairly quickly.

"No. You know I don't drink." he replied.

Without saying a word, Jenna went off to Jake's car.

They started driving when Jake suddenly pulled off the road.
He started kissing Jenna and it turned into making out.




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Gender Male
Points 1779
Reviews 121
The First one is too much dialogue try adding in more actions.


The second one doesn't make sense because you don't make it clear that they made up. They just start making out. Add in something that resolves him yanking her out of the party and start kissing her.


Overall it is really good. You have strong characters with depth and background.
This is one little planet in one tiny solar system in a galaxy that’s barely out of its diapers. I’m old, Dean. Very old. So I invite you to contemplate how insignificant I find you.

Death~



Love is not an emotion. Love is a promise.
— 12th Doctor