Sugar-Coated Syringe

I lay on the table,
Eyes locked on the ceiling;
I counted down the seconds
In my mind—
Each moment that passed,
They just wouldn’t last;
This room wasn’t giving me time.

My heart beat faster,
And my face turned pale
When I heard the nurse
Come in.
She pulled on a glove,
And I stared up above—
As the tools clinked about
In the tin.

I closed my eyes,
I held my breath,
I dug my nails deep
In my palm;
She assured me it’d prick,
But it would end quick—
Of this, I had no qualm.

For many moments I lay,
Eyes shut so tight
That I couldn’t even feel
The pain.
It was remarkably fast;
It really didn’t last!
I felt my face flush in shame.

I leaned my head up
And relaxed my shoulders,
I was feeling rather stiff
In the arm.
I figured it was the shot,
My face still grew hot—
I had had no reason for alarm.

And then I let out a yelp
As I felt a sharp pinch.
I looked down and started
To cry;
A long needle poked through my flesh,
Blood and veins were all a mesh,
That nurse had been so very sly.

For I hadn’t even noticed
When she readied the syringe
My eyes had been closed
Oh so tight—
My fear was my fall,
My eyes now locked on the wall;
And my head felt rather light.

The nurse kept drawing blood,
And I tried to stay up;
It was difficult once everything
Went black.
I heard my mother shout,
For I had gone and passed out,
And after that, I never went back.



****

An almost-true story. xD I had to get blood drawn yesterday and it was absolutely terrifying!

This was an awesome poem! I have had similar issues with shots, but not as bad as blacking out. This was really fun to read! Here's a few of my corrections. They're pretty nitpicky, but that's just the way I critique.

My heart beat faster,
And my face turned pale
When I heard the nurse come in.
She pulled on a glove,
And I stared up above—
As the tools clinked about
In the tin.

This makes the poem sound much smoother and less choppy

I leaned my head up,
And relaxed my shoulders,
I was feeling rather stiff
In the arm.
I figured it was the shot,
My face still grew hot—
I had had no reason for alarm.

Just a nitpick.

The nurse kept drawing blood,
And I tried to stay up;
It was difficult once everything went black.
I heard my mother shout,
For I had gone and passed out,
And after that, I never went back

.

Again, the flow issue.



****

Again~ great job! I loved it!

Peace, Love, and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Oh my gosh! Thats exactly how i feel when i go to the docters to get a shot\blood drawn.

"This room wasn’t giving me time."

This line didn't fit in well to me


"For many moments I lay,
Eyes shut so tight
That I couldn’t even feel
The pain.
It was remarkably fast;
It really didn’t last!
I felt my face flush in shame."

I thought this was your best stanza

I read it, and I thought it was an okay poem...could have had a little more flow to it, maybe with the wording, oh and I would make The pain, the pain, or make it 1 line...I got what you were doing,but I did not think it was a necessary over-emphasis of The pain.

Keep writing, and if you edit this let me know of the 2nd draft

Hello anti-pop! I'm glad to return the favor. I'm not reading everyone else's reviews, so, sorry if I happen to repeat something. Okay! Let's get started.

Each moment that passed,
They just wouldn’t last;
This room wasn’t giving me time.


I absolutely adore the first two lines, and what you're saying there. However, the last line is a bit weird. Rooms don't give you time...I don't know. It just sounds weird to me. Even just saying the clock wasn't giving me time would make it better, I think.

She assured me it’d prick,
But it would end quick—


I like these lines too. Actually, just assume I like everything unless I say different. Anyways, I think it would read better if it were more like but the end would be quick. That way you're not repeating it, and the syllables fit. ^^

Blood and veins were all a mesh,

Perhaps this is just me being daft...but what does all a mesh mean? Like...a mess? But you don't see your veins when you get your blood drawn...Hm. Just think about it.

Nit-picks over.

One more thing. The flow of this poem is rather odd. The rhyme scheme is definitely different: having the first part not rhyme and then the second part rhyme. I'm still trying to decide whether I like it or not, which means it's probably okay. But the flow was off, which I think is because you are either missing a syllable in some lines or have too many in other lines. Read it out loud a couple of times and you should be able to fix it.

Other than that, I liked it! Blood and gore don't bother me that much (I'm that person who, while dissecting cats and everyone else is fainting, is saying "Cool!") but I did feel the fear, which is great! Good work.

-Mars

Imagery

At the moment, your poem is supported only by simple images and as such it doesn't particularly stand out. It's difficult to write beautiful metaphors when you're working to a structure but sometimes just an extra word here or there can really strengthen the visuals of your poem. Think carefully about what it is you want to convey and see if you can write that in a way that's unique to you, a way of describing it that other people might not have considered before.

For example, you at one point say 'my face turned pale' and if we forget for a moment that there's a rhyme scheme and such here, it would be more effective to say something along the lines of 'my face was bleached' and metaphors like that are always fun to expand on. Give it a try.

Structure

So this is a fun little poem with the purpose to entertain and it's one of the few categories where such a simple rhyme structure works. But watch your syllable count and where possible, try to stay away from 'bubble-gum' rhyming which is where you rhyme one syllable words such as mat and cat. It's great in children's poetry but it doesn't really fit in anything more sophisticated than that.

Line-by-line

I lay on the table,

Eyes locked on the ceiling;

I counted down the seconds

In my mind— [A full stop would work better here. Your reader needs to breathe.]

Each moment that passed,

They just wouldn’t last; [This line has redundant words to make up your syllable count. It would be better to merely extend the point you're making. I'd suggest something like 'Wouldn't wait, couldn't last:'

This room wasn’t giving me time. [color=red][I don't like this line. The personification is good but it's out of beat. You have the right syllable count but it doesn't work to have two double beats in the middle. Maybe 'The room wouldn't grant me more time.']



My heart beat faster,

And my face turned pale [If you're really in love with rhyme, you could play with plaster?]

When I heard the nurse

Come in.

She pulled on a glove,

And I stared up above— [This line is forced. Forced is not good.]

As the tools clinked about

In the tin. [I like the use of tin, it has a nice melody and the flow is enough that it doesn't make me want to scream bubble-gum rhyme at you.]



I closed my eyes,

I held my breath,

I dug my nails deep [Too much I!]

In my palm;

She assured me it’d prick,

But it would end quick— [Good two lines.]

Of this, I had no qualm. [Heavily forced.]



For many moments I lay,

Eyes shut so tight

That I couldn’t even feel

The pain.

It was remarkably fast;

It really didn’t last!

I felt my face flush in shame. [I dislike this line. It feels like it hasn't been thought through, just built around the word that rhymes.]



I leaned my head up

And relaxed my shoulders,

I was feeling rather stiff

In the arm.

I figured it was the shot,

My face still grew hot—

I had had no reason for alarm.



And then I let out a yelp

As I felt a sharp pinch.

I looked down and started

To cry;

A long needle poked through my flesh,

Blood and veins were all a mesh,

That nurse had been so very sly.



For I hadn’t even noticed

When she readied the syringe

My eyes had been closed

Oh so tight—

My fear was my fall,

My eyes now locked on the wall;

And my head felt rather light.



The nurse kept drawing blood,

And I tried to stay up;

It was difficult once everything

Went black.

I heard my mother shout,

For I had gone and passed out,

And after that, I never went back.

Okay so overall, it's a nice, entertaining poem but it's not the type that people will remember. If you're aiming for a smile, good work. If you're aiming for more than that, loosen your structure up a little and experiment with imagery. Visuals and clever wording can really boost a poem.

Hope this helps a little,

Heather xx

hey a good poem, I think, and yeah, it reminded me about the time I doanted blood, except the fact that for some odd reason, I was looking at the blood drain out of my body, and I started laughing, somehting quite hilarious about watching my blood leave my body, which is odd, because usually, i like my blood in my body keeping me alive, you know, where it belongs

a good poem, not your best, but still a good one
sorry, I seem to talk more about myself in this that I do about your poem.

meh.

Peace,
God

Drawing blood ain't cool. I just got too used to it, I guess that's why I got over the fear of needles thing.

Anyway, this is a great poem. I admire the flow of this and your structure was consistent.

A thing I noticed though:

Of this, I had no qualm.

This line didn't fit too well. I don't know what you can change it with that would still have the same meaning and would fit in with the rhyme though.

Yesh. Nothing too big. I think this is a really good poem.

hello. I think you did a good job; when I read it I kept on giggling and I couldn't stop because I know exactly how you feel at times like this. when I had to have five needles with 25 mml each of novocain put into my big toe to put it back in place, I started bawling and I couldn't quite figure out how to stop. it didn't hurt, but the idea of hollow metal pushing fluids beneath my skin wasn't the happiest I've ever had.
all in all, I liked the idea of it and i like your style. it was good but not spectacular, though.

It's a great poem and it's about some real life stuff that we all have to go through
There was only one questionable part for me
"This room wasn't giving me time" didn't really make sense to me
If you played around with the wording it might tie in with the rest of that section
Other than that it was a cool poem to read