Giving Up

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This is the first prose thing I have done in a while. Please, tear this apart like wild animals over a dead carcass. I need some help with this. Also, is PG a good rating for this? I wasn't sure.

******
“Mom would never make me do this!”

“That’s stupid. Go back to your room young lady, and I don’t want to hear anything else from you!”

I walked back to my room and opened the door.

“And I don’t want to see you again!” Aunt Jessica yelled.

I entered my undersized room and shut the door. Tears were rolling off my face.

“Sissy?” Ella asked. Ella was my younger sister of eight years with golden blonde hair and a small, petite body. I said nothing and pulled her into a hug.

“Everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be alright,” I whispered, more to myself than her. “Don’t worry. It’s going to be okay.”

“Did Auntie Jessica hit you again?” Ella asked, pulling away from my embrace. I smiled weakly, and brushed her hair out of her troubled blue eyes.

“She did hit you again,” Ella said, sounding sure this time.

“Yes,” I sobbed. And she is never going to stop hurting me. She hates me.

The door was suddenly burst open by my uncle, who looked deathly pale. “How dare you girl! How dare you!! I can’t believe you! You….” He brought his fist up to punch me as I prepared for the pain.

****
“No!” I screamed, sitting up from my bed.

“Mya?” Chris sat up too, waking up from my scream. “Did you have another nightmare?” he asked, his eyes full of the same compassion he gave me every day. Every day, I always wondered why this boy would like me. His tall muscular body that looked fit for an older man, not an eighteen year old, and his amazing blue eyes made my legs turn to jelly. What did he see in me? I was just a sixteen year old girl with plain brown hair and green eyes that had no future or cause.

“Yes,” I whimpered, the tears starting to roll down my face. He said nothing and pulled me into a hug.

“Wait,” I pulled away and wiped away my tears. “You fell asleep on my bed last night?”

“I guess I fell asleep,” Chris said. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s okay,” I said, falling back into his strong arms. But only for a minute.

“Mya Elizabeth Brown!” I could hear my uncle yell from downstairs. “Get down here at once!”

“No, I won’t let you,” Chris said, his eyes wild. “He’ll just hurt you more.”

“No, I’ll see you later. You better get to work down at the farm.” I tried smiling at him and walked out of the room. I quietly closed the door, leaving Chris sitting on my bed.

I walked downstairs quietly. Uncle Edward was in the Kitchen, sitting down at the table reading the local newspaper, The Daily News, 1922. The tea pot was on the stove, steaming.

“So I heard you made your Aunt Jessica mad at you again yesterday” he said, not looking up from his newspaper.

“Yes sir,” I said nervously.

He put down his newspaper and glared at me. “And how many times have I told you not to do that?”

“Many times, sir.”

He stood up and walked towards me. “Then why do you keep on doing it?” He asked me, his face so close to mine that my nose was almost touching his.

I gulped. “I don’t know,” I muttered weakly.

“What do you mean I don’t know?” He yelled, making contact to my face with his fist. “You better be happy that we even took you in! My no good brother Jasper decided to die and we willingly took you and your sister to take care of!” He hit me over and over again as he ranted on.

“Please, stop it!” I cried out as he kept pounding me. I was too weak to fight back - too weak to even try.

“You listen to me.” He grabbed the collar of my dress. “If you to one more thing, you will regret it. Do you understand?”

I nodded, even though it hurt. I was going to be black and blue when I woke up tomorrow.

“Do you understand?” he growled.

“Yes sir,” I muttered weakly. He pushed me away and went back to the table. I scrambled up the steps and started preparing myself for the rest of the day.

****
“What did mom look like?” Ella asked me, under the blankets of our bed, the moonlight shining on her face.

“She was real pretty and all the other women in town were jealous of her,” I told my sister. “And all the men fancied her.”

“Did dad?” she asked.

“Of course! He loved her so much, that he went out and bought her one of the most expensive rings for their engagement, even though he didn’t have much money at the time.”

“Wow,” she said, closing her eyes.

“Now you need to get some sleep. Every girl needs her beauty sleep.” I said, inching away from the bed.

“Night sissy,” she said, smiling as her thoughts slowly turned to dreams. I smiled as well as I shut the door to her room.

I walked out of the back door and into the dark night. The stars twinkled high up in the heavens and my hair danced with the cool breeze. This was the most peace I could get. This was where I could think freely.

What are you talking about girl? You better get inside! You don’t want to get caught!

I could hear my Aunt’s voice nagging me inside my head. I tried not listening, but it didn’t give up.

Think how much Uncle Edward would hurt you more. Think about how many more bruises and pains you would get.

“Shut up!” I whispered, not loud enough to disturb anything. I was tired of the voices.

I started running far away from the house. I didn’t care where, just away from that house.
I finally stopped at an old barn. I opened the old rotted door and stepped inside. It was filled with all sorts of tools.

Mya.

I stopped for a second. It wasn’t Aunt Jessica’s voice; it was Ella’s voice.

I know what you are thinking about.

“No you don’t,” I whispered into the blackness. “No you don’t.”

You’re thinking about killing yourself Mya.

I fell to my knees, saying nothing. My tears were at the verge of breaking the dam I had created.

Mya, think what would happen if you did kill yourself.

“My life would be over!” I yelled out. “I wouldn’t be in pain anymore! I wouldn’t be living my life in fear of being abused!”

But think how Chris would feel. Think about how I would feel.

“But how about me? I would be suffering! What about me!?!”

Think how mom or dad would have thought. They would have been devastated.

“But what about me!?” I howled. “See! No one cares about me! No one!” I grabbed a knife from the nearest shelf and held it at my chest. “No one cares about me. No one thinks about me.”

Mya, please, no. Don’t do it. That’s just giving up.

“It’s better than living the way I am now.”

The voice stayed silent now as I smiled to myself. “Victory over the voices.” I whispered. I took in a deep breath as I steadied the knife.

“And victory over everything else is about to happen.”

I plunged the knife in my chest and then it went black.
Last edited by Linx on Tue Jan 20, 2009 9:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." ~ Lao-tzu

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Hey, Cat! I don't think I've read anything of yours. >.< I'm a failure of a friend.

“Sissy?” Ella asked. Ella was my younger sister of eight years with golden blonde hair and a small [comma] petite body. I said nothing and pulled her into a hug.

“Everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be alright,” I whispered, more to myself than her. “Don’t worry. It’s going to be okay.”


Um. Yes, she did say something in the second paragraph, so the bolded sentence doesn't really make sense.

“She did hit you again,” Ella said, sounding sure this time.


Just to give this sentence a little more oomph!, I'd italicize the word "did".

“Then why do you keep [s]on[/s] doing it?” He asked me, his face so close to mine that my nose was almost touching his.


That's a tragic story. :(

I liked it... except for the very ending, where she killed herself. I'll talk about that in a minute.

I thought it was brilliant that she was having her sister's voice in her head before she decided to kill herself. I was completely enthralled as the suspense began to build up. This is a wonderful story, Cat.

Though... the ending. The ending could have been a lot better. I think that it would work out better if she didn't kill herself. Not only would it show a lot of selflessness in her (not killing herself to protect her sister), but it could make room for expansion. This little story could be the foundation of something greater. Of something haunting and terrifying. I would love to see you redo the ending and make it so she doesn't kill herself. Then you could go more in depth with the abuse she is dealing with, the poverty of the time, and a lot of other juicy stuff, like the boyfriend, and the romance. You could have her make some new friends in town. I don't know. haha, I'm brainstorming for you. >.<

You have a wonderful story here. You don't have to change anything; I'm merely suggesting that you redo the ending.

Best of luck!

-Jared
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




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Hello there Cat!

Unfortunatly, I don't have time for a long crituique since I'm actually meant to be sleeping since I'm up for school tomorow, which is annoying because I have too much to say!!
My laptop is going in to be fixed tomorow, because it wont charge, so I wont be able to come back to this for a few days so I promise to try and remember to come back to this! PM to remind me if you like :D

So I only really have time for a general, overall comment:

I liked this a lot. It was well written and I liked that you put it into a unique setting. I also loved the characters of her sister and Chris. BUT I want to know more! More about them and their situation. What she's thinking? Her parents? Her relationship with Chris- do her Aunt and Uncle know? How they act towards her sister? I felt I didn't get enough of a feel of the characters and what they are like. There is just so much more that you could add into this to make it a really engaging read.

I'm kind of 'on the fence' about the ending. I think that in her deciding not to kill herself you offer yourself a lot of opportunities to expand the story- as BigBadBear was saying. You could always have her attempt suicide and fail- I think that could be an effective option.
That being said, it's ultimately up to you and, at the same time, I see a lot of potential for more expansion in this even with keeping the ending you have.

PM with any questions or anything :D
I hope I helped!
Sofi.
'Don't you just love these long rainy afternoons in New Orleans when an hour isn't just an hour but a little bit of Eternity dropped into your hands- and who knows what to do with it?'
T.W.




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Hello. ^^

I won't be commenting on punctuation/repetition nitpicks since they can often be found through a quick proofread; just watch out for things like excessive exclamation marks, and repeating words, and dialogue. A few errors on that front.

The Daily News, 1922.

If you meant this to say that this was in fact a direct reference to say that this is set in 1922, take it out. Now. Because we need more ways to work that out--like the way people speak, or the decor, furniture and stuff like that. Without it, it gives the reader something to search for. Otherwise, I'd still get rid of it. Not entirely sure what you meant by it.

My no good brother Jasper decided to die and we willingly took you and your sister to take care of!”

Again, clear info dump. Sort out. Please. Here, we need a response from the narrator. Upset? Emotional? How does she feel about her dad being called a "no good brother"? I'd be a little hurt. Also, if you're goanna keep this here, at least add character to it and biased viewpoint to reflect the uncle. For example: "decided to die, and, because of our kind will, took you and your sister! You've a lot to be grateful for!" As an example.

She killed herself? But... this is first person in the past tense! Weird. But, if you like it, it's your choice.

I found it a little difficult to distinguish dream from reality in this, with the nightmare bit, and then the guy on her bed. Confused me a bit. You might want to lengthen those bits out or make them clearer. Ok then, onto the general thoughts.

Your dialogue wasn't bad, but because there was so much, I couldn't tell what your character was thinking. What were her emotions? What put her in those situations? I felt like I was learning totally irrelevant details like her father's engagement ring, without actually understanding her responses and thoughts. One moment, she's terrified and sobbing, then happy, then kills herself. We're goanna need more descriptions and a lot more thoughts on your character.

That also fits in with your first line. It's dialogue: I'm unsure about those type of openings. Why? Because, think about it. I don't know who your character is so I won't really care about what's being said. We need more internal conflict--put it this way. You're eating your favourite coffee in a café, when a guy comes and sits behind you with his friend and starts discussing his business plans. Chances are, you don't really care. That's why we need descriptions, so that we can learn and make a judgement.

Work on your dialogue; that could be another possible solution. It's quite robotic at the moment and also very simple. Best dialogue advances your story and reflects character. This hasn't been doing it for me. Come on! Explain what she's thinking through her speech--if she can't bare to think about the problems, get her to talk to someone! That'll help us a lot with character development.

Great use of pacing, and I was slowly warming to Mya. So, best of luck with that! PM me if you want to chat about it or ask questions or anything like that. =)

Blinky
"A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction." ~ Oscar Wilde




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Hello. I love this story. I'm kind of saddened that she killed herself (or maybe not, it just says everything went black). But it is really good. I love her sister's character. It is really tragic that her sister has no recollection of her parents. Great job.



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