Run! Ch 1, Pt 2

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Evening, Friday, July 3rd
Dear Diary,
I couldn’t write all month. Jack was just too sick, and of course I had to take care of him.
He has a fever of 103.5°F. He can’t go to the bathroom. He sometimes feels like he can’t breathe. He has the very slow pulse from that night whenever I check him. My poor brother is going to die, and I can’t do anything about it. I’ve already gotten yelled at for
neglecting my other duties, and I’m always tired because I spend the night with him. If someone catches me there, I’m done for. Kaput. Kicked into the streets.
And I’d be lucky if Jack comes with me.
I think I’m going to have to take him to the hospital myself.
I just have to figure out how to do that. I can’t just walk out of here with Jack. He’d wake everyone up if it’s during the night, and people would notice during the day. Besides, even if we got out of the orphanage, how would we get into a hospital? We’re two young kids. What would we say we’re doing on our own? And what would we say we’re doing on our own in a hospital?
I have to think of a plan. What problems are there to overcome?
• How would we get out of the orphanage?
1. When would we do it?
2. What would we bring, because it’s unlikely we’d be able to go back?
3. What door would we use (where would we come out to)?
4. Would anyone else know about our plan?
5. When would they notice we’re gone? What
would we say once we’re outside?
• What would we do when we get out?
1. Would we not be seen by anyone?
2. What would we do if someone asks what we’re doing?
3. Who might stop us?
4. Should we tell the truth?
5. When would this be?
6. Will the orphanage tell the police to be looking for us? How would I get Jack not to ruin everything?
• How would we get the people in the hospital to see Jack?
1. Would we lie or tell the truth?
2. What would our story be if we lie?
3. When would we get to the hospital?
4. Who would we ask where to go and everything?
5. Where would we come into the hospital?
6. How would we get there?
• What would we do once they’ve seen him?
1. How long will Jack be kept there?
2. Will we go back to the orphanage, or
run away?
3. What would we bring if we run away?
4. What would our story be, because we can’t tell the truth, or we’d get caught?
5. Where would we go?
6. Would we walk? And would Jack be able to handle it?
7. At what time?
I’ll think about it. Because it’s time for lights out.

Morning, Saturday, July 4th
Dear Diary,
Today is Independence Day, and so my plan came just in time.
Because Jack and I will get independence tonight.
I’ve finished my plan. I just wish it will work. It’s definitely not foolproof, but if we’re lucky.
No one knows, not even Jack. Even I’m not completely sure what will happen. I just have to do something now, because Jack is getting sicker and sicker every day. I hope he’ll be able to do this. I would never run away without Jack. He’d die. And besides, he has to get away the most. I have to get him to the hospital. I know I’ve said that for the past month at least, but now I’m positive he’ll die
soon, maybe even during the night. He‘s coughing up blood.
I haven’t had time to come up with too much of a plan yet, as I’ve been very busy. All I do know is that we’ll leave right before bed. There’s always plenty of confusion, because everyone goes to sleep at different times. It will give us just the right opportunity to escape. We’d only bring one set of clothes that we will wear in the evening, our night clothes, and stuff for washing, because that’s what everyone else will have then. We would go out a door with nobody around, wherever that happens to be. The rest is just up to Fate. And I know I don’t believe in all that stuff, but this really is. We just have to see what happens.
Oh. I also know our story. If we don’t come back, I’m sorry to say we’ll have to lie. I wish we wouldn’t have to, but there’s no choice. We’ll say some nearby orphanage-based on where we are-sent us to the hospital to check up on Jack. And that we’re out for a walk if we’re far from a hospital. I only hope Jack won’t ruin it all by telling the truth. Because that would be the worst thing that could possibly happen. We’d be back in the orphanage, and treated worse than before. And Jack would never get to a hospital.
And we will walk. Under cover of night. And we’ll
bring our darkest clothes because that’s what we’ll wear today? Then it would be harder to see us? We’d go very quietly, and find places to hide, and hopefully sleep, during the day? We’ll stop at hospitals along the way, but that would be during the day so they don’t get suspicious.
I also suppose we need money, but where could we get any? I guess I could steal as a last resort, but I hope I won’t have to? I’m feeling guilty enough that I’ll have to lie.
Wait. I have to stop thinking about that. Jack depends on me. His existence is decided tonight. And so I might have to rob the orphanage of a little money, but not enough to be noticed. Just enough to get by, at least for a little while. Then I could try to get little jobs or something. We might even need to beg. I’m so nervous! What’s going to happen?




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this is some good writing, but I don't think that you should continue the story like thins. The entire first chapter might be alright, but the diary thing will get a little dry, you know what I mean? you just cant get that description and sense of adventure in that you could with a first, third person story.

Okay, now onto the review!


He can’t go to the bathroom.
He couldn't go to the bathroom ALL MONTH?!? that sounds a bit off, you probebly didn't mean it like that, but that's what it sounds like!

I have to think of a plan. What problems are there to overcome?

• How would we get out of the orphanage?

1. When would we do it?

2. What would we bring, because it’s unlikely we’d be able to go back?

3. What door would we use (where would we come out to)?

4. Would anyone else know about our plan?

5. When would they notice we’re gone? What

would we say once we’re outside?

• What would we do when we get out?

1. Would we not be seen by anyone?

2. What would we do if someone asks what we’re doing?

3. Who might stop us?

4. Should we tell the truth?

5. When would this be?

6. Will the orphanage tell the police to be looking for us? How would I get Jack not to ruin everything?

• How would we get the people in the hospital to see Jack?

1. Would we lie or tell the truth?

2. What would our story be if we lie?

3. When would we get to the hospital?

4. Who would we ask where to go and everything?

5. Where would we come into the hospital?

6. How would we get there?

• What would we do once they’ve seen him?

1. How long will Jack be kept there?

2. Will we go back to the orphanage, or

run away?

3. What would we bring if we run away?

4. What would our story be, because we can’t tell the truth, or we’d get caught?

5. Where would we go?

6. Would we walk? And would Jack be able to handle it?

7. At what time?

I’ll think about it. Because it’s time for lights out.

Aha, the good old list... the way of wasting space, but telling your reader what they need to know. I have succumbed to this type of mockery, but it really is VERY boring to read. try thinking about it this way.

if she was doing PE when she was thinking these over during the day, then how about this:
Pugh, I just missed the ball and it slammed into my stomach, causing me to double back. This brought with it another question about our daring escape... what would happen if we had to go back? would we retrace our steps? no... we couldn't we'd have to be prepared. I would have to start collecting food and water for the journey, and then we wouldn't need to. I tossed the ball at a girl my age, striking it with as much fury as possible. would we need accomplices? could anyone know, and then they could help us once we got out?


I dunno, but work the questions into the story somehow, and that's what i mean about having it in a diary. you cant have descriptive paragraphs really.



bring our darkest clothes because that’s what we’ll wear today? Then it would be harder to see us? We’d go very quietly, and find places to hide, and hopefully sleep, during the day? We’ll stop at hospitals along the way, but that would be during the day so they don’t get suspicious.


these don't need to be questions.

well, that's it for my review! hope this has helped!
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