Crashed and burned

I don't have a particular structure or rhyming scheme. This is my very first poem, IN ENGLISH! Please go easy on me !

***

I once saw
my heart lying on the floor.
I once saw my lover,
running away from my shadow.
Can't you see,
I'm alone in the dark.
Rescue me,
I'm fading apart.
Drowned on expectations
That our love would blossom
Like a strong, pure rose.
I waited for you.
For the character you posed.
I crashed and burned.
My lesson I have learned.

Hey there Rachie! here's your friend Kate to review this first poem. Don't think of this as a harsh review plz! I'm only saying it for your own good.

I once saw
my heart lying on the floor.
I once saw my lover,
running away from my shadow.
Can't you see,
I'm alone in the dark.
Rescue me,
I'm fading apart.

So this first stanza it has no sense. The first four lines are about a matter and the other four are a cry for help (which I do think are well constructed so applaud on you on that one). Maybe change the first four lines.

Drowned on expectations
That our love would blossom
Like a strong, pure rose.
I waited for you.
For the character you posed.
I crashed and burned.
My lesson I have learned.

This one isn't bad. To the first line to make sense with the others you should change it to: Drowned in the expectation, (parágrafo=sorry don't know it in English ) that our love would blossom. the other line, as I have said to you, it sounds a bit cliche. The rest I think is good.
When you were posting this, I didn't said it to you, because this is your poem and I think you should learn from your work, not from me.
that's all I have to say!
Keep on writing! Looking forward for the rest of your work!

Hello.

I once saw
my heart lying on the floor.

I think this is a good start but I think that all in all the first eight lines were confusing. And also fading apart? Er-- not sure what you mean. Falling apart maybe or did you really mean fading and I am just failing to comprehend?

The rest of your poem was really good.

That our love would blossom
Like a strong, pure rose.

This personally wa the part I really loved. Beautiful choice of words.


This poem is really great. A few revisions on the first part perhaps. Anyway, welcome here. See ya around.

Hey for writing your first poem you have a nice idea on what emotions you're trying to catch at. Now you just have to hone those emotions in- in order to compress them into strong poems. Your words are a bit scattered making it a hard read to follow. The words you use of some lines don't in my opinion allow the reader to grasp at what you're trying to say. In a poem you need to give the reader a glimpse into your mind as if they were seeing what you're trying to describe. I rather not start picking apart your poem because really I rather you pick it apart yourself by reading it over again and adding words and phrases that you think emphasis the emotion.

First start out with what you already have:

I once saw
my heart lying on the floor.
I once saw my lover,
running away from my shadow.
Can't you see,
I'm alone in the dark.
Rescue me,
I'm fading apart.
Drowned on expectations
That our love would blossom
Like a strong, pure rose.
I waited for you.
For the character you posed.
I crashed and burned.
My lesson I have learned.

Then:
Go back and re-read each line. If something seems off to you then change it.
Though its an unstructured poem it should flow in its own way by capturing the right words and emotions and stringing them all together.

in a way a poem is a maze.
There are many ways to interpret it, but the writer holds the true path. Allow your readers to follow it by giving them the clues to it.

-Ciao
--Bo_0ts

Hello and welcome to YWS!

When I read this poem, I get hints and tastes of the real life behind this poem. That is good, but I need to be able to understand the whole thing. You hint about a lover, but never go into detail. That is a very bad thing to do when it comes to poetry. You have to describe everything to help the reader be able to feel for you or relate to your problems.

Now, when you have poetry, it is good to have some sort of rhyme scheme or rhythm. If you go without it, it just sounds dull.

Can't you see,
I'm alone in the dark.
Rescue me,
I'm fading apart.

I thought this part was brilliant. Now just keep the whole poem this way. It has rhyme and rhythm.

You need more emotions with your poetry. You talk like it is about someone else, like you are far away and distant. You need to put more of yourself into it, then it will be great!

-Princess

Thanks for all of yours reviews. I will try to follow them!
Next time will be a lot better! ;D

*Shauni*

There's lots of good stuff going on here.I like how you kept the same tone throughout the poem and there was a nice mix of concrete images (a heart lying on the floor) as well as more abstract, global ones (such as a buildup of expectations). When going through this poem again, a few things you might want to consider:

1. rhythm

There are two lines in particular which don't seem to fit in with the poem's structure. Even though you've stated that you have no structure, there's a pattern/tone created just by the context of the other lines of the poem. Specifically, the lines "Drowned on expectations/ That our love would blossom/ Like a strong, pure rose" don't quite fit. It's almost like they're too long (or have too many syllables with different sounds in them).

2. variety of verbs

In the first three main thoughts, everything is involved with visualization. The poem's subject sees a heart and then a lover, and then asks a second person if he can see and then rescue her. I think that this could continue to be utilized throughout the poem, where the second half concentrated on the ways the second person could save the first.

Another way this idea of visualization can be considered is to change some of these verbs. Instead of "saw" which doesn't seem like a very active action, how might the subject be involved in the heart that's now lying on the floor? How might she have interacted with the lover who runs away from her shadow instead of passively watching him leave? "Can't you see" is a common way of asking "Do you understand?" Are there different ways in which understanding can be communicated? Every word should have some weight to it.

3. progression of emotions

As discussed with the usage of the verb "to see" the first half of the poem involved a subject (the "I" of the poem) having a series of sort-of missed interactions with the other "character(s)" (I don't really know if I can talk about "characters" in poetry, but I'm just going to pretend that I can for a little while XD), and then after going through a short period of self-reflection (the lines "Drowned on expectations" through "Like a strong, pure rose"), returns back to the present and decides what to do about the situation she finds herself in, which is that she has learned her lesson and, I assume, she's decided to move on. So essentially, confusion --> reflection --> acceptance. I almost want to ask whether it can really be this simple? Can all of those things really be summed up in "I crashed and burned. My lesson I have learned"? Or can there be any stronger emotions depicted within this progression?

Hope that gives you some ideas!
p.s. Welcome to YWS! I see you just joined a few weeks ago, and I hope everything's been going well ^_^

hey I think that it's pretty good for a first poem for a speaker of another language. I think that the rhyming could be a bit touched up, and the flow could be improved on, but I know it's really hard to improve on poetry, I posted my first poem a couple of weeks back, and I sucked!

anyway, it was pretty good, and I understood that it was about a boy being rejected by a girl... right?