Destination San francisco

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CHAPTER 1: ESCAPE



They had tried to give me away. Again. To another family. Whether or not they had kids, dogs, senile grandparents, expensive furniture, short attentions spans, or were crabby all the time, I hated it. I was never good enough though, and soon enough they would send me away, either because of Athe new baby or not enough money or they had too much work on their hands, I was always sent away again.
This family was going to be my third family since February, which was only five months ago. Of course, why I was sent away from my last family was entirely my fault. Really, I don’t even know what I was thinking, trying to shoplift that shiny necklace from a family-worked store. It was just so... I don’t know, sparkly! It was quite mesmerizing, and I knew it would look gorgeous on me. It wasn’t my fault really, it was the necklaces. It made me, I’m telling you.
The six hour journey was painfully monotonous. The car smelled McDonalds, and the driver couldn't stop talking about his recent visit to the Bahamas. Like I care.
Anyways, I wasn’t planning on jumping out of the car and taking off. But you would done the same too. I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to. I was sick of being handed about like some pencil that nobody really likes and nobody really cares enough for that they end up losing it or forgetting about it. I had only a single backpack packed with clothes and other worldly possessions I had acquired during my lifetime. The backpack wasn't even full.
And the cop was going to drop me off at a nut house! I could already tell by the outside. He pulled into one of those dirty half-kept trailer parks that only people who had nothing left to lose lived there. The house he stopped at was two joined trailers. The house was in extreme disrepair. The aqua colored paint was peeling, and the were all shutters falling off.
The majority of the windows were either boarded up or were so held together with duct tape you couldn’t hardly tell they were windows at all. As we got closer I saw several young kids under the age of six playing in what probably used to be a sandbox, but because of the recent rain it had been reduced to a huge mud-box.
The cop stepped out before I did, and he foolishly left the keys in the car. I quickly grabbed them and stepped out of the car. Outside I bent down out of sight, pretending to tie my shoelaces.
"You can go on ahead. I'll only be a second" I told him earnestly. I waited until he reached the porch steps until taking off, throwing the keys into the mud-box on my way.

The sweat from my forehead was streaming into my eyes. I hurriedly wiped it away, not even breaking stride. I could hear him yelling at me from behind. Coming closer every second. I had never been a great runner, especially with a backpack on. And this guy had long legs, he must be over six feet tall. Some miracle needed to happen fast if I wasn't going to get caught. A bridge appeared in the distance. A helpful sign called it Agnes Fall. At last. I leaped up to the retaining wall that was supposed to keep cars from doing exactly what I was going to do. I glanced back and the cop had just rounded the corner behind me.
I spread my arms wide and let gravity take me, releasing my heavy backpack before it could hold me down. I closed my eyes and twisted in the air. And I was flying. I twisted around and headed back into the culvert where the water came from, so the patroller wouldn’t see me escape. It took just a second before I sailed through it and settled on the limb of a great dead maple tree, just in time to see the officer shake his head sadly, for he saw my backpack bobbing up and down in the water. Doubtless he thought my body was underneath it, mangled and bloody from the fall onto certain death. He didn’t even attempt to look at the body. Nobody ever survives a jump from 30 feet onto sharp deadly rocks. That is, unless you can fly.
I had a sudden inspiration. As the officer was heading back to his car I leaped from my branch and swooped down upon him, screaming harshly. He screamed a high girly scream and ran. Undoubtedly he had never been attacked by a gigantic eagle before. He pulled out a handgun, he was after all, a cop. But before he could fire at me I let loose a yellow-whitish watery sphere of poop upon his balding head. Ah, sweet revenge.


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This is a very rough draft, and I am very open to suggestions and critiques.




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so the girl/boy can change into a bird? I think that if that is the case, then you need to explain the transformation a bit, something like:

As I felt the Weightlessness take hold, I doubled back and circled the cop. letting the cool winter (have you put any season or weather into this story/draft) breeze hold my wieght, i spanned my wings and took off into the night, leaving a reminder to the cop of what i could do in the form of a yellow-whitish watery sphere of poop.

I don't really know, but that's something along the lines of what i would put in.

Anyway, that was an excellent story and introduced the character well, you had strong personal vouice and descriptive writings. the transformation would be the only thing to clear up.
::XoX::KeepWriting::XoX::

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Writing is 3% talent and 97% not being distracted by the internet




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Nit-picks first!

It wasn’t my fault really, it was the necklaces.

Necklace's you forgot an apostrophe

The car smelled McDonalds, and the driver couldn't stop talking about his recent visit to the Bahamas.


Holy crap! Your car can smell? I wish mine could do that!

Anyways, I wasn’t planning on jumping out of the car and taking off. But you would done the same too


This sentence makes it sound like he jumped out of the car. Might wanna change that since he didn't jump from the car.

The house he stopped at was two joined trailers. The house was in extreme disrepair. The aqua colored paint was peeling, and the were all shutters falling off.


The house is repetative. Try differnt words. (and you 'were' jumped a few words ahead)

Suggestion: "The trailer that he stopped at was actually two joined trailers. The house was in extreme disrepair; the aqua colored paint was peeling, and all the shutters were falling off."

The majority of the windows were either boarded up or were so held together with duct tape you couldn’t hardly tell they were windows at all.


This sentence is awkward with the duct tape part. Maybe "Were held together with so much duct tape..."

"You can go on ahead. I'll only be a second" I told him earnestly.


You need a comma after second.

Doubtless he thought my body was underneath it, mangled and bloody from the fall onto certain death.


You fell on death? Wow! That's an accomplishment! (my suggestion, get rid of the on part since you don't fall on death.)

Alright now to the overall review!

I like your writing style. This was actually pretty error-free grammatically speaking.

Character: I like how you made them seem like a typical teenage, blaming the world for their problems. But you don't develop your character enough! We don't know their name, how old they are or if they're a boy or girl. I think you're too vague about this.

Setting: You also don't tell us much about the setting. Is it in the mountains, the dessert, a jungle, NYC, Earth, Pluto, Mars? Is it morning, afternoon or night?

Bird thing: Yeah. That came out of effing no where. In some situations random plot twists like that can be useful. I don't think this is one of them. We're lead to believe this is normal story about a kid who doesn't like being a foster child. Then you come out of no where and say "Hey btw he's bird." Things like that confuse the hell out of some people and may put them off from wanting to read more. It also raises more questions. If he hates being a foster child so much, why didn't he fly away sooner?

I think you need to work on your plot development a bit more. What's the point of this story? Where does it go? Always know the purpose of your writing. Is it to inform, or entertain?

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. Hope I wasn't too harsh for you.
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Roie. Roie. Roie.
OMFGHWHYDIDN'TYOUTELLMETHATYOUCOULDWRITELIKETHIS?
this is SERIOUSLY incredible!
Why didn't I know about this?
But dahling, as hard as it may be, i noticed a few errors :

"The car smelled McDonalds, and the driver couldn't stop talking about his recent visit to the Bahamas."

Didn't you mean the car smelled OF McDonalds?

Then:

"and the driver couldn't stop talking about his recent visit to the Bahamas. Like I care."

I didn't get that "The driver" was a cop until you mentioned it, so maybe throw something in about how you saw him through like those bar things that are in cop cars? or mention his cop uniform?
Overall I really love this story!
Can't wait to hear more!
Love you Ro!
Yo, ho, haul together,
hoist the colors high.
Heave ho, thieves and beggars,
never shall we die."
- Pirates of the Caribbean 3, At Worlds End




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I'd correct some of the grammar but it seems as if some one already had done that so it's no use repeating what that person already said.
So I'll just tell you how I felt.
Being the reader, I liked your tone of the story.
I would play around with the part where your character turns into an eagle but other then that it was good.
I like the plot of the story, the overall idea, so continue working on it, I bet you'll get something super out of it.
I hope I didn't get off as rude, annoying, or weird, I'm new at this.
So, I hope you can put this information to good use.
Hope you are well, *star!*
"Most kind of stories/Save the best part for last/And most stories have a hero who finds/You make your past your past/Yeah you make your past your past"
Joshua Radin "Brand New Day"
:smt020 :smt020 :smt020




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Hey guys! Thanks for all of your suggestions & ideas! I'm taking them all into consideration and I am going to do a lot of editing and re-writing. Thanks again for the comments!

CF



You flare, you flicker, you fade... And in the end, all your tomorrows become yesterdays.
— Megatron (Lost Light, by Roberts, Lawrence, Lafuente)