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Okay so I have to do a short story for school. I'm having a horrible time of it, and its due on Tuesday. This is the beggining that I've managed to come up with. I have no idea where I'm going with it. Any kind of input would be appreciated to much! If you have any suggestions on what I could do with this and improvements on the little bit I've finished, let me know! Thanks in advance guys.

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I was sitting on the city bus. I didn't know exactly where I was headed, but I just felt the whim to hop on, and since I had nothing better to do I decided to follow that whim.
Luckily, I had gotten a window seat so I could watch the city rush by. Mostly, I looked at all the people. It was intriguing to think that I could get a brief glimpse into their life. A few times, there were people who just strolled along together laughing and soaking up the day. Everybody generally seemed to be in rush and looked harried. They were probably all off to the office, and hoping they weren't late for work.

It was still early in the morning. The first rays were permeating through the tendrils of smog that clung to the sky above us. There were no spectacular colourful sunrises here. Life was subdued by the dull buildings and constant clouds of grey above us. Even a sunset capable of pulsating reds and oranges was reduced to a pale ghost of an imitation, coated by sheets of grey. If anybody wanted to see the true vibrancy that was possible of the earth they had to make a getaway from the city.

I turned from the scene outside the grimy window and surveyed my fellow public transportation commuters. One character in particular caught my eye. It was a younger girl, my guess is that she was about nineteen. Her face was all but stuck against the window with her mouth hanging open. It looked like it was her first time in the city. Her head slowly turned as though her eyes were attached by rope to whatever she was looking at; a definite first timer.

I returned to gazing out of the window. A small boy was tugging on his mother's hand while she was trying to examine the manikins in a store window. Two teenage boys strutted down the street; they were completely decked out in the baggy pants, shiny sweaters and flat brimmed hats that they wore sideways on their head. The sun was now glaring down on everyone as fiercely as possible through the haziness. Perhaps it was time to say my farewells to the bus.

^_^ Let me help some! ^_^ I /love/ this premise.

I was sitting on the city bus. I didn't know exactly where I was headed, but I just felt the whim to hop on, and since I had nothing better to do I decided to follow that whim.

Okay, I kind of feel like this is unrealistic, but I realize that stems from my own character and the fact that I'd never risk getting lost on a city bus. Haha. If that's the character you're going for, someone who does such lovely things on a whim, however, it's perfect and shocking.

A few times, there were people who just strolled along together laughing and soaking up the day. Everybody generally seemed to be in rush and looked harried. They were probably all off to the office, and hoping they weren't late for work.

Oh, so she's watching the people outside during this scene? Well, I suppose you should mention that she can really only catch good glimpses of them when the bus stops at bus stops. Haha, as someone who often rides the city bus, I know that it's rather difficult to really get a good look at people unless you're stopped at the stops. -nodnod-

The first rays were permeating through the tendrils of smog that clung to the sky above us.

First of all, perhaps say 'rays of sun' and then secondly, I don't know what image you're going for, but permeating seems like the sun is being absorbed into the smoog and spreading throughout it? It's sort of confusing to me, but again, that's just me! ^_^

There were no spectacular colourful sunrises here. Life was subdued by the dull buildings and constant clouds of grey above us.

Perhaps connect these sentences with a semi-colon rather than a period, and maybe add a little more description of why the buildings were dull. Square? Gray like the clouds? Something. ^_^

If anybody wanted to see the true vibrancy that was possible of the earth they had to make a getaway from the city.

Perhaps use 'on' instead of 'of' and I think you need to capitalize Earth, if you're talking about the planet in general, which I assume you are since it's about a sun set. Then perhaps say 'they had to get away from the city' instead of 'make a getaway', since that's rather awkward.

I turned from the scene outside the grimy window and surveyed my fellow public transportation commuters.

Perhaps 'beyond' rather than 'outside', and labeling the other bus-riders the way you did seems awkward, though I don't know anything that sounds better.

Then, after the paragraph about the girl, perhaps a little more of a reaction to her situation? At the beginning of this story, the narrator speaks about how she liked to think about getting a glimpse into peoples' lives, so maybe speak about what she imagines the young girl is doing -- her past or future.

A small boy was tugging on his mother's hand while she was trying to examine the manikins in a store window.

Mannequins is how it's spelled, I believe. ^_^

Two teenage boys strutted down the street; they were completely decked out in the baggy pants, shiny sweaters and flat brimmed hats that they wore sideways on their head.

I noticed you put in 'the'. Did you mean that these items make up a specific outfit, like 'the' outfit that represents some type of class/gang/group?

Also, at the end, if you need to continue, I'd recommend having the narrator see something that piques her interest and then get off the bus to explore whatever that might be. ^_^

Hi Manzanna! I quite like what you have here-I love observing people. (And you're lucky! I wish my English teacher would tell us to write short stories!) So, let's start out with some wording issues (don't worry, there aren't many) and then I'll give you overall impressions.

Quote: I didn't know exactly where I was headed, but I just felt the whim to hop on, and since I had nothing better to do I decided to follow that whim.
I think the second part of this sentence is a bit repetitive and redundant. We know that the narrator followed that whim, because the piece begins by saying that he/she was on a city bus, so...yeah.
I also think there could be more of a beginning? Like, instead of starting the piece already on the bus the character could be walking down the street, feel this inexplicable urge to climb on, and do it. Especially since, if you do cut out what I suggested, the introductory sentence will be one line. Just a thought. ^^

Quote: There were no spectacular colourful sunrises here. Life was subdued by the dull buildings and constant clouds of grey above us.
IMO, you could combine these two sentences, like so- ...sunrises here: life was subdued... It's a small thing but I think it would help the piece read smoother.

Quote: Even a sunset capable of pulsating reds and oranges was reduced to a pale ghost of an imitation, coated by sheets of grey.
I really, really like this.

Quote: ...the true vibrancy that was possible of the earth...
Hmm...I know I'm getting very nit-picky and annoying here, but this part doesn't sound right to me. At least I would suggest replacing of the with on, but mostly read it over and decide for yourself.

On second thought, I think it's because this part is such a leap away from the whole idea of the piece. Like, you're talking about glimpsing people's lives, in one part of one city in one country etc. And that's a very small concept (and by small I do NOT mean bad, without potential, or anything like that; just that it's about small details, little things). And then when you talk about the whole earth, it's like you just panned out and it's like, woah! The whole freakin' planet.

I don't know if that's a bad thing or not. I do know that that was way too much explanation for nine words. Sorry.

Quote: It was a younger girl, my guess is that she was about nineteen.
I don't like the my guess part of this. I suggest who looked to be.

Now, overall, you know, whatever.
So, yes. I think this is a great beginning, but I also think that it definitely is not finished. The ending was very abrupt and also a bit odd: the sun was shining and so the narrator had to get off the bus? I don't think that was what you were going for, but that's what I got.

Secondly, the story as it is doesn't really go anywhere. Now, don't get me wrong: I am a huge fan of character driven plots, plots that hardly exist, first-person plots that are about other people, etc, and I also don't know what exactly your assignment is: just to write a short story, or a specific one? Either way, I have some ideas that will hopefully help you get moving.

I like the way you've described the people that the character observes-I just wish there had been more. I think it would be really cool if the narrator's observations led them to realizing some fact of life, or some small epiphany. Like, what if the narrator noticed all the people on the bus (and outside the bus, whatever) and how they were all so different, but they all got off at the same destination. Which could be a metaphor for death, if you really want it to be.

And then, of course, the bus could be life, and the story would symbolize how we are all different, but we all end up the same.

Or a completely different idea would be that the character could pick out a couple of people and decide what he/she thinks their name is, and invent a whole life for them so that it becomes a story in their head.

I'm sorry, I know this review has gotten extremely off-track, maybe it's not even a review any more, I don't know. So, to sum up:

Read this over and rethink some of the wording.
Expand on the characters in and outside the bus.
Make the ending a bit more gradual and clear.
For sure, you HAVE TO continue this and let me read it.

Hope this helped. I know it was probably pretty confusing, so PM me if you have any questions.
-Mars

Okey doke, this was a FANTASTIC start. It was really descriptive and you did a great job of showing and not telling, . You mentioned the city was kind of humdrum and nothing spectacular. Maybe you could have your MC meet some really colorful people and "discover the beauty of the city." Sounds cliche, I know, but you could make it interesting, and it would be easy to keep relatively short. Good luck!

xoxo,
Shannon

P.S.
Tell me when you post the rest!!