Invisible Chapter1

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It was the middle of the school year, the part where it is really cold. Our house had no heater so it was freezing all the time. I live with my mother during the school year but see my father during the summer. I always loved living with my dad he made me smile all the time. My mom Deloris is a beautiful woman with long black curly hair and thin. My mom says I look like my father. I can agree with that. I was listening to music in my room when suddenly my mom came in and yelled, “Hey! Turn that music down! I can’t here myself think!”
“Ok” I yelled back. I was wondering why my mother yelled at me. She had never yelled at me before even though I had the music on very loud. I thought what she did was nominal so I ignored it. I finished up my homework and went downstairs. My mom look so depressed, I don’t know why. Was it her job? Me? Who knows? I walked into the kitchen and made myself a sandwich and sat at the table. “ Hey mom! What are you doing?” I yelled from the table.
“Oh nothing dear just looking at a scrapbook your father made.” She responded.
That’s why she was crying. She saw the memories in the scrapbook. Then the phone rang I picked it up and said, “Hello this is Amy. Whom am I speaking to?”
“Hi Amy its dad. I need to talk to you.” He replied.
“Sure dad anything.”
“Well there is suddenly a vacancy at your favorite school. I was wondering if you would like to transfer and move in with me and go to this school. Would you like too?”
“I would love to! I really miss you. When can this be done?”
“As soon as possible I guess. Just talk to your mother and let her know ok. I have to go because I have business to attend to.”
“I will call you as soon as I get an answer from mom.”
“Ok Amy take care.”
When I hung up the phone I ran towards mom. I said, “Mom dad said there was a vacancy at Holly B. High school in Wyoming. They have the best Medical program around. This is my big opportunity. Come on mom! Let me go!”
“Alright but promise me on your summer vacation you come and see me.”
Mom replied.
“Thank you! You will never regret this.” An hour later I called dad back and told him I was going. The next week he arrived to take me and brought the papers to transfer me out of my high school and into the one I wanted since I was little. I packed up everything I owned and stuffed into my 2007 Mustang convertible. That car was a birthday present last year from dad. My dad is awesome and I love him. When everything was packed I drove my car up to the airport and jumped on the next plane to Wyoming. When we arrived at Wyoming State Airport we hailed a taxi and drove up to our house 15 miles away.
When I got there it felt like I had a proclivity for this place. It was like I belonged there. “Hey Dad is my horse still here?”
“Yeah, oh course!” He replied. I ran to stable to grab a saddle and go out for a ride. I couldn’t ride bare back just yet. Once I saddled her up we were on our way. I knew I heard my dad calling me back but I had an uneasy feeling that I know why he was yelling for me. Now I know why mom was so upset! Dad has a girlfriend. I just didn’t want to come back because I love running through the fields. My horse name was patches because she had white patches all over her. Long ago when I was 12 I was walking through the fields in the summer and I found this mustang. She was beautiful. We had somewhat of a connection because we both were invisible. I could tell it in her eyes.
So when I arrived back to the house dad asked, “Why did you take off? Didn’t you here me yelling for you?” I lied, “No I didn’t here you.”
“I need to tell you something.”
“I think I know what you want to tell me.”
“I am kind of seeing another woman.”
“How could you? This is not what I intended to come home to!” Before he could say anything I grabbed Patches and jumped on her and ran away. I was crying saying, “How could he do this to me Patches? How could he see another woman? I thought he loved mother!” To make it worse there was a mountain lion in the distance and Patches went crazy. When she did I fell off and started to run toward her. I grabbed a rock and threw it and it hit the mountain lion and scared it away. I grabbed Patches reigns and started to calm her down and said, “Its ok. Don’t be afraid no more because the mountain lion is gone.” I heard another horse and my dad’s voice. I jumped onto Patches back and started off again. I was determined not to go back but he ended up catching me. “Don’t run away from me again Amy!” Dad said.
“I couldn’t help it. I just can’t stand you seeing another woman except for mom.” I sobbed.
“Things change Amy.”
“Tell me something I don’t know!”
“Lets go back, its getting dark.”
“You go ahead. I am going to stay out for awhile.”
“Fine just be careful. Be back before 9pm.”
“Ok.”
When he left me and Patches were trotting along the trail towards home. It was about 8:30pm when I returned. I wasn’t even going to talk to his new girlfriend. I couldn’t wait to go to school because I wouldn’t have to see her. I didn’t really care if she was the nicest person in the world; I hate seeing dad with anyone else but mom. I was up all night crying. The next morning my dad had a surprised. I said, “Please no more surprises. I can’t handle anymore of them.” I said.
“Don’t worry it’s a good surprise.” I closed my eyes and when he told me to open it was another mustang. A mustang is a wild horse.
“She is for you to train and take care of like Patches. So what you going to name her.” Dad said.
“I am going to name her Alabama.” I replied.
“That’s a good name for her. I will let you spend time with her. Oh yeah my girlfriend Clara is coming over today. Can you please be nice to her?”
“Don’t worry dad. I will be riding Alabama or Patches. I won’t even be here.”
“Don’t you want to meet her?”
“Not really.”
“Fine. Have it your way. Make sure you clean the stalls today.” When he was finally done talking to me I started cleaning the stalls. Now our ranch has about 7 horses. Most of them are dads. He lets me ride his horses too. So I started training Alabama. She was not as loco as my first mustang Patches. I was determined to learn to ride like my dad. So I jumped onto her back and started to ride. I couldn’t believe it! I was riding without my saddle. Now I don’t need to use it all the time anymore. My dad was watching out the window. I know he was proud of me. So when I was ready I released the gate and Alabama and I were off. She was very fast, much faster than Patches. Since Patches is much older I would expect her to be faster. Once we came back I saw dad outside with his girlfriend and I saw him point at me to come toward him. I just nodded and turned back around to go out for more riding. He knew that I didn’t want to meet her. He said to me a while back ago, “Amy I promise to you I will never meet another woman. It might be a sacrifice to me but I don’t want to lose you.” I guess he forgot that promise, or he thought it was not important no more.
I could tell that the girl he was going out with is not a woman that lives on ranches. She is one of those girls who live in a big fancy house with lots of money. I can’t stand people like that. I will not let my father sell this ranch if it’s the last thing I do! When I returned the second time they were both inside the house. I quietly brought Alabama back into her stall trying to be unnoticed but I didn’t accomplish that goal. My dad saw me and walked outside and said, “Its time for dinner.”
“Is she staying for dinner?” I asked.
“Yes Clara is staying for dinner.”
“Then I will eat out here.”
“No you will not! I can’t stand you behavior no more! If you don’t come in and eat I will send you back home to your mother!”
I started to cry and ran inside to my room. I hate my father. He doesn’t remember anything about the promise but I remember everything. He thought I was strong. I am just not with family issues. I suddenly heard something outside so I ran toward the window and it was a mustang. Most of the horses were outside for some air and when the mustang came through she took all of our horses with her. I yelled downstairs, “DAD! MUSTANG!” I ran downstairs grabbed my boots and went to find a horse. I grabbed Yankee. It only took me a minute to grab everything. I heard dad come after me and he also grabbed a horse too. “What’s going on?” He yelled. “The mustang took our herd!” I replied back.
“We need to get them back! I will head them off at the cliff!”
“Alright! I will look over by the river!” Once my dad was by the cliff the mustang was arriving there. He grabbed the rope and captured the mustang. Once he has captured her he yelled for me and I met up with him at home.
“Thanks Amy!” Dad said in relief.
“No problem. This is what I do.” I replied.
When I jumped off Yankee I ran towards dad and hugged him and said, “I am sorry dad by acting this way. I just can’t stand you seeing another woman.”
“Its ok Amy. I know how you feel.”
“You probably don’t remember the promise you made me when I was 12.”
“I am so sorry. I guess I let love take me over.”
“I say so.” I laughed.
“Are you alright?” Clara interrupted.
“Sorry dad but I have to put Yankee away. I will be a few minutes.” I said.
“Alright Amy go ahead. Also can you put John back too?”
“Sure.”
Once he left to go back inside I started to place everything back in its proper order. Once I returned outside I saw the new mustang my dad saved. This girl was loco let me tell you.
3 facts: 1.You can't lick your elbow
2. you just tried it
3. I caught you cause i saw you




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Howdy there! I've got a little free time, so I figured I'd give you a critique! Hope I don't come off too harsh.

It was the middle of the school year, the part where it is really cold.


You changed from past to present tense here.

I always loved living with my dad he made me smile all the time.


You need a semicolon after dad.

My mom Deloris is a beautiful woman with long black curly hair and thin.


Comma before and after Deloris.

I was listening to music in my room when suddenly my mom came in and yelled, “Hey! Turn that music down! I can’t here myself think!”


The word "Suddenly" seems awkward. I think it would be better without it.

“Ok” I yelled back.

Comma after ok. And I'm pretty sure that correct way to write it is, Okay.

My mom look so depressed, I don’t know why.


Look should be looked

“ Hey mom! What are you doing?” I yelled from the table.

Mom should be capitalized since it's a name. And why are you yelling?

“Oh nothing dear just looking at a scrapbook your father made.” She responded.


Comma after dear and the period after "made" should be a comm. She should be lowercase

“Hi Amy its dad. I need to talk to you.” He replied.

Commas! Comma after Amy, and the period after you should be a comma. Dad should be capitalized and He should be lowercase.

“Sure dad anything.”

Capitalize Dad and put a comma after dad.

“Well there is suddenly a vacancy at your favorite school. I was wondering if you would like to transfer and move in with me and go to this school. Would you like too?”


Comma after well.

“I would love to! I really miss you. When can this be done?”


Whoah! Way too fast! This is a HUGE decision, I think you made it way too fast. Doesn't she even think about her mother? Would her mother even allow it?

“As soon as possible I guess. Just talk to your mother and let her know ok. I have to go because I have business to attend to.”


Comma after possible.

“I will call you as soon as I get an answer from mom.”


Capitalize Mom.

“Ok Amy take care.”


Should be Okay, and a comma after Amy.

When I hung up the phone I ran towards mom. I said, “Mom dad said there was a vacancy at Holly B. High school in Wyoming. They have the best Medical program around. This is my big opportunity. Come on mom! Let me go!”


There's a couple things wrong with this sentence. Mom needs to be capitalized, so does Dad. There should be a comma between before Dad. School should be capitalized. And High Schools don't have medical programs last I checked. Medical shouldn't be capitalized either.

“Alright but promise me on your summer vacation you come and see me.”


Comma after Alright. And hold it right there. She agreed way too fast. No mother on the planet would just say "alright go ahead and move out." She asked for no details, never spoke to the father, nothing. Just said "okay, go do whatever you want." She also had no emotion. Like she doesn't even care that he daughter is leaving her.


Mom replied.


That should be on the previous line.

“Thank you! You will never regret this.” An hour later I called dad back and told him I was going. The next week he arrived to take me and brought the papers to transfer me out of my high school and into the one I wanted since I was little. I packed up everything I owned and stuffed into my 2007 Mustang convertible. That car was a birthday present last year from dad. My dad is awesome and I love him.
When everything was packed I drove my car up to the airport and jumped on the next plane to Wyoming. When we arrived at Wyoming State Airport we hailed a taxi and drove up to our house 15 miles away.


You just crammed WAY too much (and in some cases useless) information into that sentence. Some of it wasn't even grammatically correct.

Any time you change thoughts or scenes, you need to start a new paragraph.

The next week he arrived to take me and brought the papers to transfer me out of my high school and into the one I wanted since I was little.


Um... What? That sentence needs work.

That car was a birthday present last year from dad. My dad is awesome and I love him.


Useless information. We don't care where you got the car. It doesn't serve any purpose in the story. You also don't need to mention (again) how awesome your dad is.


When everything was packed I drove my car up to the airport and jumped on the next plane to Wyoming. When we arrived at Wyoming State Airport we hailed a taxi and drove up to our house 15 miles away.


First you say he came to where ever you are. Then you make it sound like you went back on your own. Then you make it sound like he's with you again. That's confusing....

When I got there it felt like I had a proclivity for this place. It was like I belonged there. “Hey Dad is my horse still here?”


"proclivity" Yeah. Get rid of it. Make it sound like you're trying too hard. And Comma after Dad.

“Yeah, oh course!” He replied.


Typo. Should be "Of course" And he should be lowercase.

I ran to stable to grab a saddle and go out for a ride.

First, grammar. Second, you're rushing things again. You just got there and now you're gonna go ride a horse? Not gonna go to the house? Not gonna unpack?

I couldn’t ride bare back just yet.

Usless info, no on is gonna care. It's irrelevent to the story.

Once I saddled her up we were on our way. I knew I heard my dad calling me back but I had an uneasy feeling that I know why he was yelling for me. Now I know why mom was so upset! Dad has a girlfriend. I just didn’t want to come back because I love running through the fields.

What? How did you find all this out? Did the horse magically tell you? You need more of an explanation.

My horse name was patches because she had white patches all over her. Long ago when I was 12 I was walking through the fields in the summer and I found this mustang. She was beautiful. We had somewhat of a connection because we both were invisible. I could tell it in her eyes.


Patches needs to be capitalized. Horse should be horse's. And more unneed information. Invisible? Whatcha mean invisible? You don't seem too invisible to me. You're not the unnoticed kid whose parents doesn't even know she's alive.

So when I arrived back to the house dad asked, “Why did you take off? Didn’t you here me yelling for you?” I lied, “No I didn’t here you.”


When you switch speakers, you need to make a new paragraph.

When he left me and Patches were trotting along the trail towards home.


Say what? Grammar error.

I closed my eyes and when he told me to open it was another mustang. A mustang is a wild horse.


... I think we'd have realized that by now.

“She is for you to train and take care of like Patches. So what you going to name her.” Dad said.


Question mark.

“I am going to name her Alabama.” I replied.


Why? She's just going to name her after a random state? Comma after Alabama, not a period.

Okay, I'm gonna stop with the line-by-line here since it's mostly the same mistakes that I've told you about already.

The next thing I wanna say is where the heck did Yankee and this John come from? You just randomly through in 2 horses without telling us they were even there.

Next, is contractions. You use a lot of them. While they're alright in casual speech and when your characters are talking, they should be avoided in the actual writing.

You have some good parts and a draft here. Keep working on it and take it from a good draft to a great final. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. I hope I wasn't too harsh. But look at it this way, you'll get more out of a harsh line-by-line than you would if I just glanced over it and said "it's pretty good. Keep working on it."
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Nooooooo! R Gallagher already reviewed the nit-picks! That is my favorite thing to review! *pouts*

Oh well.

I guess I'll review it in general.

General Review

-Okay, pretend your parents don't live with each other. Your dad calls you on the phone-
"Hey, sweetie! There's an opening at your favorite school! Drop everything and move in with me!"
Would your mom really say "Sure, go!" She didn't talk to the father, asked for no details, and showed no emotion.
-High Schools don't have medical programs
-The whole opening scene starts way too fast. You just throw us into the story.

Everything else was said by R. Gallagher.

I noticed some severe issues with grammar.

Another thing...

You need to work on:

*trumpet fanfare*

Showing not Telling

Instead of giving block paragraphs of blunt, generic description, show us.

Example.

My mom has black hair.

You could easily show this...

My mother's midnight hair hung into her face as she furiously scribbled answers into her cross word puzzle. She pushed it back, revealing her sparkling green eyes.

See?

PM me if need more help.

Hope this helped,
Sakura
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




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Look, I'm really sorry to be blunt about this, but that story was really annoying for me. If this is a draft then that's fine, but you need to specify that before you begin the story. If it is a draft, then disregard all of this.

You really need to work on the showing and not telling thing, as i found myself searching the entire document for some form of descriptive writing. If yo make this into a book, then not many people will want to follow up, as it is blunt and boring. try jazzing it up a bit. think similes and metaphors, comparisons to other things, and describe a person while they are doing something.

for example:
My horse name was patches because she had white patches all over her.


How about:

I ran my fingers over her brittle fur/hair, noting the difference in colour for each patch that contributed too her name. (and then go on to call her patches in the sentence after next)

what was the business with the mountain lion about? is it going to have some significance to the story later on? you could have also jazzed this up a bit as well... something like:

patches stopped dead in her tracks, a knock to the head for anyone who's spent more than10 minutes with a horse. she buckled her head as i scouted out the alarm. barely visible through the thick grass was the yellow back of a mountain lion. I thought back to last time this happened, and instantly grabbed patches Reine's to run back to the ranch. horses could easily outrun mountain lions with the right dosage of adrenalin. (i don't think that throwing a rock at a creature would scare it, more likely that it would alert the creature and make it angry, it would chase you and with no horse to run away on, you would likely become mince meat!)




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HI, I'm not normally this harsh, but you're gonna get a harsh critique from me! Sorry!

Okay first of all, I want to take you to the beginning sentences;
It was the middle of the school year, the part where it is really cold.

Right there you tell instead of show. Why don't you say what month, like Nov.-Dec. something like that? It would broaden the reader's view and they could actually know what it feels like and how cold it is.
Our house had no heater so it was freezing all the time.

You could probably say how miserable it made you feel or why you didn't have a heater. It almost seems like I am not reading the story, more that I am reading bullet points. Let your story flow, then read it and reread.

I live with my mother during the school year but see my father during the summer. I always loved living with my dad he made me smile all the time

Why does she live with her father during the school year but see her father during the summer. Now, I know you are probably thinking, 'HELLO!! Her parents are divorced or something like that' WELL, I hate to break it to ya, but your readers won't know a thing you're talkin about! So you need to DESCRIBE!! Explain why she lives with her mother etc!!

Now, i feel like I am being real harsh, and I feel bad. I won't say anymore about your writing. I hope I wasn't too harsh! I enjoyed your story over all, and I hope to read more! Thanks for sharing!

Lucy Pennykettle
"Never Give Up. Never Quit. Believe In Yourself And In Your Writing. Do This And You Can Succeed!"



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