If Only I'd Seen

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“Make sure to hurry Amy. We have to be at your aunt’s house in a little over an hour and we still have to pick up your brother,” said my dad as he pulled into the parking lot of my favorite store.
Okay it’s not a clothing store. I’m not like most teenage girls. I don’t like to shop for clothes, shoes or other such things. My favorite store is a supermarket. I spend most of my time there. I know it sounds silly but hey. I even got a job there over the summer but my mom made me quite when school started so I could concentrate on my school work.
“Seriously, dad I’ll hurry, stop pestering me.” I got out of the car. I was about to close the door when I heard my dad call “you left the shopping list!” I snatched the list from his hand. He smirked as I slammed the car door.
I walked knew me by name. I was so familiar with this store that I didn’t look up from my list. I didn’t have to. I knew where everything was. I should have looked up, if I had I would have seen him sooner. I would have been able to run. I would have been able to escape. But I didn’t look up and I didn’t see the man who now saw me.
I walked up and down the isles tossing things into my cart as I walked. I soon came to the deli counter. I spent a lot of time standing here talking. But I did not have time to talk today. These people were my friends for I had never gotten along well with people my own age.
“Hi Amy. What would you like today?” said the man behind the counter.
“Hey Phil. I just need about two pounds of ham.”
“Would you like it sliced thick or thin?” he asked with a smile.
“Thin,” I said smiling back at him, “you know that.”
“I still have to ask its part of my job.”
We both laughed. Every time I came he would ask “thick or thin” and every time the same conversation would follow. It was sort of our little joke.
“Here you go,” Phil said handing me the packaged ham, “have a nice day.”
“Thanks Phil,” I said then winked “I’ll probably see you tomorrow.”
I continued up and down the isles gradually making my way to the back of the store where the lights were broken and it was almost pitch black. “I don’t mind though.” I thought almost smugly to myself, “I can walk through this store without light.”
Then I saw someone behind me. I did not see him clearly for it was just a glace in my peripheral vision. For a second I was scared but then I laughed at myself; it was probably just another shopper or an employee. As I walked down the last isle, the man behind me started walking faster. I could hear his footsteps behind me. When he was only three feet from me, I spun around to face him. My heart dropped into my stomach. NO it couldn’t be. This man was in jail. He was a murderer and the judge had sentenced him to life in jail. But he was clearly the same man I had watched kill my sister for I would never forget his face. Was he here to kill me? I was a witness though I had been to young to have testified properly. I was terrified. If I had not been frozen in place I would have yelled, plead for mercy. He reached out to grab my arm. No, please no. into the store I knew so well I came here so often most of the employees




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There is a lot of grammatical errors, and some of the sentences do not make sense: "I walked knew me by name" The ending is a bit hurried and could have been hinted at during the rest of the story. It was a good idea, but i don't think it really works with your style of writing.
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First of all, you're supposed to have 2 reviews under your belt before you post a writing of yours. I'll ignore that for now, but I suggest you go review two pieces before someone gets cranky over it.

Time to get the pesky nitpicky line-by-line out of the way first!

“Seriously, dad I’ll hurry, stop pestering me.”


Dad should be capitalized and have a comma after it.

I walked knew me by name.

What...? That's not English

I should have looked up, if I had I would have seen him sooner. I would have been able to run. I would have been able to escape. But I didn’t look up and I didn’t see the man who now saw me.


Um... What?

“I still have to ask its part of my job.”


Comma after ask.

“Thanks Phil,” I said then winked “I’ll probably see you tomorrow.”


Comma after winked, or a period. Some kind of punctuation.

I continued up and down the isles gradually making my way to the back of the store where the lights were broken and it was almost pitch black. “I don’t mind though.” I thought almost smugly to myself, “I can walk through this store without light.”


Red flag. I worked at a grocery store before. That doesn't happen. First, there's enough lights in the store that even if half of them went off, you could still see fine. Second, it's a fire hazard and a gigantic opening for a lawsuit. Also, as a stylistic thing, thoughts should be italicized. This way it's easier to distinguish them from regular speech.


into the store I knew so well I came here so often most of the employees


Um.. what?

Time for the overall critique now!

This was actually a lot better written than a lot of things I've seen. You have very few grammar mistakes (though when you do have one, it's generally a big one. <3)And very few punctuation mistakes.

You also have a really good idea and basic draft here though. The ending how ever, is very rushed. You should work on expanding this for sure! Hope I wasn't too harsh. Feel free to PM me with any questions.
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Hey, Rhode!

I'm Sakura and I'll be your reviewer for today. ^_^

Like RGhallager said, you should have two review of others work before you post your own work. Thanks!

Anyway, onto the review...

“Make sure to hurry Amy.


Add a comma after hurry.

My favorite store is a supermarket


Hmmm... I like this. It makes your character quirky and fun to read about. The only thing is, you never explain why she likes the supermarket.

Seriously, dad I’ll hurry


Comma after dad.

I walked knew me by name


This makes absolutely no sense.

isles


Aisles. She isn't walking up and down islands. ^_^

“Hi Amy. What would you like today?” said the man behind the counter.
“Hey Phil. I just need about two pounds of ham.”


Always add a comma after a greeting.

Example:
"Greetings, earthling."

“I still have to ask its part of my job.”


Semi colon after ask.

isles


Aisles.

into the store I knew so well I came here so often most of the employees


This makes no sense.

All in All

-This was good. It kept my attention. I would like to read more.
-You really need to work on your basic knowledge of grammar
-Add more description

Hope this helped,
~Sakura~
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




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Hi I am Jordan and I will be your critique.

I also noticed a lot of grammatical mistakes... Mostly, Spelling and places where you put a period there should have been a comma. You did great for being a new member to YWS. When I was new, I did horribly for the first two weeks but then people reviewed my stories and I gradually got better.
Great Job and Keep Writing!
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