Runaway Chapter 2

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Jackson was finally out of the orphanage. He wasn’t free yet though. He could hear sirens screaming and heading towards the orphanage. He ran to the safety of a dark and damp alleyway. He saw rats scuttling everywhere. Jackson stayed there for a bit and decided to wander for a little bit. He had to figure out how to get a bunch of kids out of the orphanage. That could wait for a while. Jackson kept walking and soon found a simple spot to settle down for the night. It was a simple alley, hidden from view and was quite nice. Jackson wandered for a little bit and found a little hangover that could shelter him until tomorrow. He pulled out his blankets and laid down on them. It was very cold, a breeze would pick up and then cease. He would hear a noise and jolt awake. Then, when sleep was useless, he stood up and wandered around and then decided to explore. He gathered his things and walked off. He felt so excited to be wandering a place that he had dreamed of walking in, but could only look through an attic window.
Jackson was starting to feel quite hungry; he looked at his clock and figured that he hadn’t eaten for nearly six hours. He heard his stomach growl, because the last thing he had eaten was a few bites of macaroni from the orphanage. He dug around in his backpack and found the bag filled with his food supply. He took a biscuit and took only a couple small nibbles and put it back, worrying that he would run out of food.
He stopped in front of a pastry store. It smelled so good! But he had to stay focused on finding places for kids to live. He kept wandering and exploring every nook and cranny. He stopped at a telephone post and found a sign that had his picture on it. He was surprised that they had made signs and gotten them up so fast. He looked around and saw someone putting up the signs. He ran off and hid, tearing down every picture and he ran. He stopped and saw someone point at him. He turned around and ran, hearing a man shout out. He looked back and saw the man run after him. He yelled and ran faster. The man soon caught up to him and was right on his heels. He tried to run faster but the man grabbed his arm and stopped him. Jackson tried to break free but the man had a firm grip.
“Damn you kid, hold still. I’m not after you. I want to help you.”
“Yeah right gramps, like you could help me. You’re like what, sixty?”
“Fifty. And if you call me gramps again, you’ll wish you’d never been born.”
“Whatever. Now would you mind letting me go? I have some business I need to attend to.”
“In your dreams Jackson ‘cause you aint goin anywhere.”
“My name isn’t Jackson.”
“And I’m related to the queen, of course you are,” he said sarcastically. “And I know.”
“How do you know that it’s my name then? Maybe I’m someone else.”
“First of all, it’s not hard, your picture’s on every poster, and second of all, I know you ‘cause Jayson sent me the news that you finally ran away.
“Jayson? How do you know him?”
“Remember when Jayson would shout down the window? He was talkin’ to me.”
“How does he know you in the first place?”
“Cause I’m his second cousin twice removed.”
“Prove it. I don’t believe you.”
“Fine. Jayson’s parent died in a fire when he was nine and no one would take him in. The reason why is because they couldn’t contact anyone. So the orphanage took him in and apparently put him in the same room as you. I now pity him for having to spend his life with someone as annoyin’ as you. Anythin’ else you wanna know?”
“What is the age difference between us?”
“Two years, three months, eleven days, ten hours, and forty-five minutes. Satisfied?”
“No, but that’s okay, all though that last question was wrong.but why didn’t you take him in. You’re older than him.”
“At the time, I was in court tryin’ to tell them that I was innocent in the fire his parents were in.”
“Why were you accused in the first place?”
“That’s none of your business.”
“Fine. Why do you want to help me anyway?”
“Cause I admire your guts to run away and I want my cousin to live with me. The only problem is that they won’t let me have him.”
“Well, if you can find a place for more than thirty kids, you’re free to help.”
“That’s a crazy thought. What are you plannin’ on doin?”
“Rescue any orphans who want to leave. They don’t deserve to have to endure living in that cursed place.”
“That’s a bold thought, but you’re gonna have to plan that out for ages.”
“Aye, that’s why I need to start with the basics; shelter, food, warmth, and something for them to sleep on. Then it comes easy.”
“Well, if it means gettin’ Jayson out, I’m in. What do ya want me to do?”
“Send word to Jayson, tell him I’m okay and tell him to keep doin what I told him to.”
“And what might that be?”
“That’s none of your business.”
“Touché. You’re a bold kid. I’ll do what ya say as long as I get Jayson once he’s out.”
“Deal.”
They shook hands and the man walked off.
“Hey! Wait! Meet me at the fountain on Center Street.”
“Whatever ya say Jackson.”
Jackson continued wandering and tearing down signs about his escape. He was
worried that he might get caught before he got everyone out. That would not be good.




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There seems to be a lot less mistakes in this chapter. I'm too lazy at this point to do a line-by-line but I'll tell you what to look out for. Commas. Read your story out loud. Any place where you pause or take a breath, you'll prob need a comma.

Next thing, you lost a lot of realism in this chapter. Random old guy shows up and wants to help and happens to know the kid. In real life, kid would've run away as fast as humanly possible. Kids don't trust random old guys they meet on the street. (Unless they're like 6.)

You need to add some more description. I wanna know what's going on in the kids mind. Is he scared? Is he worried about what he's going do and where he's going to live? Is he scared to death of the creapy old guy who seems to know everything about him.

Back to the creepy old guy. You kind just throw in a side story there and totally go right over it. You give too much detail about the side story (the fire and his involvement.) yet not enough at the same time. Either give more information about it, make us feel the old guy's emotions, or give us less information and completely go over it.

I still like this. I can't wait to read more of it! If you have any questions, or if you really want a line by line, feel free to PM me any time! I have no life outside of reading and writing. =] (Plus these reviews give me and excuse to put off my own writings.)
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Hello, again. =)

Just before the mods tell you, I thought I'd remind you about the 2:1 ratio, thing. You'll want to do a few reviews so you don't get in trouble. Sorry if you've already been told. :)

Jackson was finally out of the orphanage.

I'd like to draw your focus to your descriptions--they're great when you actually write them, but otherwise, it feels like a not-so-gradual-list-of-events. Here, I'd like to see some emotions or thoughts or generally some good, sensory imagery. How does he feel about being out? What does he see? What does he note? What does he make of the fresh air--is this the city centre? A country? Is he running, scared? Those are just some of the questions that would immensely benefit the piece, were they answered in descriptions.

There is also the worry about being alienated; I feel as if I should know your character through-and-through, with phrases like: "He had to figure out how to get a bunch of kids out of the orphanage." But I don't. Why does he want to get them out? What's so bad in there? I would love some thoughts about it or a narrative or even biased memory, about why he wanted get out. Tell us a story from a child's viewpoint and inflict his decisions upon it.

I can't care for a character that I don't know, and I don't know Jackson; he's a little perfect, no? I can't find any fault with him because he just wants to get out with no real reason. He manages to get out easily, and isn't remotely scared when he gets out? Or worried? The thing is, what is Jackson's goal? To get out of the orphanage, alright. So explain why, as I've said, but also we need conflict. Conflict is that which prevents a character from reaching his goal. This again means that he has to fight for what he wants and has no other way of going about it. But, there's no story because there's no conflict. Where could there be conflict, you ask:

--He has to escape the burglar alarm or run away from the police.
--A couple of tougher kids prevent him from getting out.
--Some drunk people in the back alleys start chasing him.

Do you see what I mean? An excellent source for this type of idea is Oliver Twist, by Charles Dickens, in which we are made to care because he is so helpless. As RGallagher said, however, we can't really believe what's happening. There's no decision, just the bland submission that defines Jackson. And nothing more. Also, throw in some more speech tags in the dialogue, so that we don't just have floating heads. ^^

I liked your pacing, and that you didn't just dwell on one thing for two long, and your dialogue does help in terms of character, but there are improvements to be made.

Best,
Blinky
"A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction." ~ Oscar Wilde




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wow, that's a cool story, most of what i would say has already been said, but I'll do my best

He stopped in front of a pastry store. It smelled so good! But he had to stay focused on finding places for kids to live. He kept wandering and exploring every nook and cranny. He stopped at a telephone post and found a sign that had his picture on it. He was surprised that they had made signs and gotten them up so fast. He looked around and saw someone putting up the signs. He ran off and hid, tearing down every picture and he ran. He stopped and saw someone point at him. He turned around and ran, hearing a man shout out. He looked back and saw the man run after him. He yelled and ran faster. The man soon caught up to him and was right on his heels. He tried to run faster but the man grabbed his arm and stopped him. Jackson tried to break free but the man had a firm grip.



Tha's a very tell-ish paragraph, and nearly every sentence starts with "He"try to be descriptive, such as :

The sudden aromas made Jackson stop in his tracks. Looking tantalizingly close, the pastry story as just across the street. Desperate for more to eat, Jackson felt his top lip tremble at the sight and smell. Common sense and will won the battle, and he tore his eyes away to keep it that way. The first thing he noticed was a crippled old man, pointing his way and shouting. confuse by the sight, he looked around his surroundings to find the root of the distraction. nearly every telephone pole had a rushed and cheap-looking poster taped to it with decaying duct tape. without waiting a moment longer, Jackson ran away from his picture and name, disgruntled to find his pursuer was hot on his heels. a devilishly firm grip took him from behind and swept him off his feet, and he knew that he was no match for this decrepit looking man.



seeing this tag and going "oh what's this? :)" then getting slapped in the face with shady's good grammar is the worst thing that's ever happened to me
— SilverNight