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(Vivian point of view)

"How come? You said I could go last week!" Jane shrieked at Mom.

"Well honey that was then this is now." Mom said trying not to lose her temper.

"Well why can't Leo watch them?"

Before Mom could respond Leo comes in and picks me up and shakes me around. "Next time there's a spider in your room, kill it with your own magazine."

"One the spider wasn't in my room. Two you called me to kill the spider and you gave me the magazine. Three put me down!!" I said calmly before beating on his back.

"Don't worry Vi I'll help you!" Super-Dope shouted as she jumped off the couch trying to help, by tackling Leo down. Well sort of really she tripped over the coffee table and fell over knocking over Leo and me.

"I'm okay." I barely manged as I got up.

"Okay I see what you mean, but I had this planned for like weeks." Jane continued.

"I'm sorry honey, but that my final answer." Mom replied Cooley.

"Fine I'll give up my reputation for those nerds!" Jane shrieked all the way to her room.

"Wow I never realized this, but did you ever notice that Jane head spins like that girl on the Exorcism." Super-Dope yelled loud enough so that Jane could hear.

"Shut up Luna!!" Jane command was muffled by the door.

"It's Luna!" Super-Dope always get mad when you call her by her really name.

"Why do you hate your name?" I asked quietly. "It's kind of cool."

"I don't know it doesn't sound right. Why so you hate yours ...Vivian?" she said with an evil grin.

"Because it's too girly."

"Vi right, it doesn't reflect her spunky attitude." Leo said while patting my head, which everyone always does.

"Kid's the money for pizza on the counter." Dad called as he walked out of the house.

"Don't get into any trouble." Mom said sweetly.

"We will." Leo called gleefully.


(The next day nothing really interesting happened that night)

"Hey Vi. . . Vi come on wake up." I felt someone shaking me, but was too tired and tried to push them away. "Hey Vivvy it's time to wake up." my eyes flashed open only Mom called me that I looked up and saw her dancing green eyes. I couldn't help, but smile.

Until I noticed it wasn't Mom I was looking at, but Jane. Normally I would attack anyone who calls me Vivvy, but Jane looked like she had been crying.

"What's wrong Jane?"

"Vi" oh no something was wrong she never called me my nickname. Before she could finish she started to sobbing and then ran out of the room.

I got up and walked out of my room looking for someone who knew what was wrong. Leo, Super-Dope, and to my surprise so was Aunt June, and her kids Trey, and Kouga were all in the kitchen. Every one was quiet. When I walked in everyone looked at me.

"What's wrong?" I asked looking around at everyone.

Leo got up and slowly walked to me and scooped me up. "Vi remember when your goldfish died?"

"Jaws?" what did he have to do with this?

"And remember when Mom told you that everyone had to leave this world one time or another?" Super-Dope asked softly.

"Yeah." what did this mean. I mean I'm only five and a half did they really expect me to understand.

"Well you see. . ." Leo began again before tears started streaming down his face. I don't ever remember seeing him crying.

"Vivian your Mom and Dad are dead." Aunt June finished for him. My body froze if it wasn't for Leo still holding me I would of fallen. I felt tears stream down my face before I slowly subsided to the darkness.

"Hey Vi wake up!" Trey said shacking me too hard.

"Ahhh!" I shrieked as I woke up from my dream in shock and falling off my bed.

"Your such a klutz." Trey chuckled as he looked down at me. I never know why, but for some reason any time I have a bad dream, or I'm sad, even mad Trey is always the one who comes and wakes me up, or makes me feel better.

"It's not my fault you shook me too hard." I shot back.

"Fine I guess you don't want to have bacon and hash browns." Trey muttered as he shrugged his shoulders and left my room.

I quickly jumped up and ran to my dresser to grabbing a blue shirt and some shorts, throwing that on I ran down stairs to take my seat at the table before all of the food is gone. (Aunt June won't let you eat unless your dressed, and Leo and Kouga always have a who can eat the most contest.)

"Told you I could get her up." Trey gloated.

"Knocking her off the bed doesn't count." Jane fumed. I guesses Jane tried to wake me up earlier. She tries to pretend that me and her are really close but truth be told she's my least favorite sibling.

"Well trying to pretend that your all nice and motherly and can get Vi to do anything doesn't count either." Leo whispered to Super-Dope and Kouga in between bites.

"Well I'm sorry I try to act like Mom for Vivian." she taunted.

"You don't act like Mom, you try to be her that way people might actually like you!" Super-Dope shouted as she got up and walked away. When she was gone Jane began to smirk.

"What are you thanking! You know she doesn't like talking about Mom or Dad!" I grip. For some reason Jane always tries to get Super-Dope or Leo mad.

"Oh, shut up Vivian." Jane nags.

Before I could respond Leo jumps to my defense. "What happened to being all nice. And two her name is Vi!" then quickly storms off.

I silently get up and go and wash mine,Leo, and Super-Dope's plates. Before going to find them.

Unfortunately before I could go Jane started talking to me. "Hey Vi why don't we go shopping today?" she asked happily as if she just didn't get on two of my favorite people in the whole wide world.

"No thanks." I mumbled on my way out.

After searching around the house I finally found Leo outside in this giant oak tree.

"Hey Vi." Leo smiled as I climbed up the tree to sit beside him.

"Hey Leo. . . what was Mom and Dad like?" I whispered as I finished settling myself in his lap.

"Well Dad was a by the book type of guy, while Mom was kind and care free. I remember one time I accidentally broke Dad's favorite mug, and he was so mad he looked like he was going to kick me out, but Mom said that it was her fault."

"Was she always like that?"

"Yeah, Mom always kept the peace no matter how many fights broke out, no matter how many people where in it. She always knew a solution, for any thing."

"What did they look like?"

"Dad had short straight red hair."

"Like Jane use to have, before she dyed it black?"

"Yup."

"But, Jane's hair is wavy."

"Well she got Mom's curls, and Dad's hair color."

"Oh, so I got Mom's hair color, and Dad's straight hair?"

"Yeah, Mom had dancing green eyes, like Jane."

"I hate those eyes." I whispered, at first I didn't think Leo heard me.

"It's because every time you see them you think of Mom and you find yourself crying, because it hurts so much. . . Well that's how I feel anyways."

"Yeah."

After a few moments of silence Leo finally spoke up. "We should see if Super-Dope is okay."
Last edited by artistic_writers_times_2 on Mon Jan 19, 2009 6:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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For the most part I thought it was good, but I felt kinda of bored reading this what with no action and all. I won't even try to do the grammar. But I think it would be better suited for a other fiction, because it seems more like a drama fiction. That's mostly because nothing magical happened in this chapter. So sorry about the tough review, but that's how I felt after reading this.
"Why don't we let Peeta claim it, since he died today?"-Finnick (Catching Fire)

"We may be friends and all, but if were being chased by crazy flesh eating zombies. I won't lie. . .I'll trip you."~ Me after watching the hills have eyes.




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I felt quite confused reading this. I think it may be to do with the grammar, you use words in the wrong tense in some cases -

'Normally I would attack anyone who call me Vivvy' instead it should be 'Normally I would attack anyone who calls me Vivvy'

or

'I felt someone shaking me, but was to tired and tried to push them away.' instead it should be 'I felt someone shaking me, but was too tired and tried to push them away'



I'll leave you to re-read and see if there are other instances where you can change things.

And also you introduced quite a few different characters in a short space of time and this confused me, I wasn't sure who was who. Also I wasn't sure who was talking.

I agree that it seems more like other fiction than a fantasy fiction.

It was interesting though and I am interested to see how it develops :) I like some of the characters like Super-Dope their nickname really interested me lol and it would be nice to see more about them. Also about Vivian's life without her parents and how she copes. Good job :)




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This was interesting, but when you say "I" are you jane? because if you were then you must switch the jane's to either I or switch the I's to Jane's

Thats all.




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Thank you, all of you for your wonderful reviews. I know it doesn't seem like a fantasy fiction yet, but that's because I just had to get it started and help you viewers know how everything happened. The next chapter might not show that, but I promise if it doesn't then I'll make sure the third chapter will. But please keep viewing.



if ya mention chickens, i have to show up, that is the law.
— alliyah