A Blind World

Our lives are an inferno of choices,
Burning hot with passion and hate.
Not to say that life is black and white,
But when you look, can you see more?

We spend our lives searching blind,
Through dark looming secrets we live.
We think that we think of a life better,
But is this the simplest form?

Our lives surround many buildings,
Filled with the corporate crutches.
We stumble before their might and,
We follow what they say blindly.

We is a word of you and I,
We all know this if we think.
Coming and going out we continue,
Continue this race track of greed.

Emphemeral emotions don't last,
But we never learn that do we?,
We accept our world how it is,
Change takes vision with thought.

So many lives among us,
Living in love, hate, and complexity.
Not to say that life is black and white,
But when you look, can you see more?

This is nice, smooth, and well-written. However, I don't get it.

We can follow blindly and say, "yes",
We can find a truth in the lies. We can find truth in the lies? We can find some truth in the lies?
We think that we think of a life better, Uh...what? Maybe. 'We'd like to think of a life lived better?
But is this the simplest form. 'But is this the simplest form?' -or- 'But this is the simplest form.'

Our lives surround many buildings,
Filled with the corporate crutches.
We follow these rules and,
We follow what they say blindly. And we follow them blindly.

Dude. I don't get it.

We is a word of you and I, 'We' is a word made of 'you' and of 'I'
We could all know this if we'd only think.
Coming and going out, we continue
The circle, sealing humanities fate. the circle, sealing humanity's fate.

Assuring ourselves on the nice victories, Is there a better word than 'nice' that you can use?
And seeing what we can do,
We accept our world how it is. Something besides 'how it is' perhaps?
Change takes a new wave of thought.

Alright.



I'm confuzzed.

It's well-written. Most of it flows smoothly. The rhythym is steady, and the words are, for the most part, chosen well. However--

It doesn't make much sense. I'm looking at it upside down, backwards, and counterclockwise...but still, I can't make heads or tails of what you're trying to convey. You jump from 'corporate crutches' to 'wave of thought' and back to 'simplest forms'. Uhhh...enlighten us, if you will.

So, my impressions--

If I squint and do some major interpreting, I can kind of see it meaning this: lots of stuff happens in life; everything is complicated. Lives intwine and criss-cross, filled with complexity, but there's more. We can do what we're supposed to and not question, we can ignore the lies; but is this the easiest way to go? The people who lead us are big and powerful, but if they understood the meaning of 'we' then humanity could have a friendlier fate. We try and make the best of what we manage to win, and accept what is there. But, to truly change things, we've got to think harder.

...

Am I close?

So, I'd like to know more on this. All the thoughts are disconnected, it seems-- what was your thought process behind this?

Good luck.

Hey there! To be honest, I don't like this one as much as some of your others, I found it a little dull and plain. There isn't anything that really stands out. You've got some good wording but the message and format are weak. Here's a few pieces of advice:

wisemann210 wrote:So many lives among us, [I'm not sure if this was intended to have the double meaning of lives but it sounds a little off. And I think you could have a stronger opening line. I'm not entirely sure what to suggest though. Sorry!]
Living in love, hate, and complexity. [This line doesn't really show anything. It's just words and three things that can be so different, such broad definitions. You need to set this scene out properly before you can begin to question it. You need to dedicate at least one full stanza to who these people are and exactly how they live their lives. Examples help, maybe a line that alludes to a well known historic event?]
Not to say that life is black and white,
But when you look, can you see more?

We can follow blindly and say, "yes",
We can find a truth in the lies.
We think that we think of a life better,
But is this the simplest form. [What you're saying here is a fine but I really dislike the format. I know you're repeating we on purpose to set up for your next point but it isn't necessary. Twice would be sufficient. Also, extend this stanza, give us something we can actually visualise, some imagery to back up these points.]

Our lives surround many buildings,
Filled with the corporate crutches. [Best line of the poem ^^]
We follow these rules and,
We follow what they say blindly.

We is a word of you and I,
We all know this if we think.
Coming and going out we continue
The circle, sealing humanity's fate. [This is a stanza that needs to draw the eye more. Here is where you need to build your climax and at the moment there isn't anything firm to hold onto, there isn't anything new and interesting that makes the reader think harder or see the situation in another light.]

Assuring ourselves on the nice victories, [Nice doesn't fit. Choose a stronger word.]
And seeing what we can do,
We accept our world how it is,
Change takes a wave of thought.

Okay so overall, I like the conclusion you come to but I think you need to make this something that people can relate to. It's too general to have any impact at the moment but when you start bringing specifics in, it brings it closer to home. Turn some of those vague conceptions into familiar images and you'll have a lot more success. Good luck!

Heather xx

I agree Heather, I'll work on it. Thankyou for doing it! I appreciate it. I'll touch it up when I have some time.


---Jon---