War Observed

Scarce years before, I came this way,
when infernos crunched the rubble rings
and glass streets were rife with vermin
delegates.

Hence summoned by the whims of man,
who bade me reap their neighbour's corn,
I witnessed what humanity
procreates.

Their spawn is nurtured by loose tongues,
the very same which translocate the
deeds of man into the name of
war.

Depleted of allotted task,
instead I watched destructive arcs
of rodent blades and carrion
human lore.

_____________________________

All suggestions welcome. Currently I'm considering trying this again in free verse but I'm not entirely sure.

Hey Heather! Seems like you have no reviews, I'll fix that.

Scarce years before, I came this way,

when infernos crunched the rubble rings

Heather! I love this imagery, I love the word choice. I think that 'crunched' though is a bad word choice. An inferno can't really crush things, I think words like, Bathed, washed over, or engulfed would work better. Oh, and when you say scarce, it doesn't make sense to me. I like it though! Maybe you could use Many? Don't listen to me, I love it!

Hence summoned by the whims of man

,
Hence doesn't sound quite right here. I can't find another word to put in it's place though... Maybe leave it out?

who bade me reap their neighbour's corn,

Their spawn is nurtured by loose tongues,

the very same which translocate the

deeds of man into the name of

war.

I liked this stanza. In the middle though it gets really fast. You have the punctuation in other parts but not here. Maybe you could put a dash after 'the' to slow it down? Translocate is two words, or, Trans-locate.

Depleted of allotted task,

I think it should be tasks.



I liked this poem Heather, good job! In some places it gets a little confusing, not in a good way. In the very beginning you set up a battle scene in the past. I get a picture of a man a top a hill looking at a rambled town/village. I love the imagery, I think you should consider expanding on that.


Once again, I liked it. Polish it and I'll be back!


It was my pleasure,


---Jon---

I just got to say: free verse-definitely. Why do you need last verses of each stanzas in one(or two-that makes the whole thing more confusing) words?

Oh my God. The imagery in this is unbelievably exquisite. Once again Heather, a triumph.

The one-word final verses in each stanza are particularly effective and really convey the sense of dislocation that the speaker feels at seeing his beloved homeland scorched by battle.

Couple of questions:
1. Should it be "infernoes"?
2. "...carrion of / human lore"?

Apart from these few small nitpicks, excellent work.

9/10

Heather! I don't read enough of your poetry! (also forgive if I don't make sense, could be result of cold/cold meds! sorry!)

Ok, first question. Your title seems to imply a war observed (ok, duh) but from a far-off vantage point, but within the poem itself, I can't pinpoint a location of the speaker, or a gender, or why/how they're observing war, and not participating in it, or being directly effected by it, other than the final stanza and "watching," though that could be anyone standing on the sidelines of almost any war.

Second, I love your final two stanzas without question. Yes, I'm tempted to pick at them for small wordings, but I won't, simply because they work so well. It's your first two I have to pick at, because they simply don't do justice to the final two.

You start with "Scarce years before" which immediately made me think of this lovely anthology of WW1 poetry I read this year. I'm not sure if you want to have this here as a flag back to this crazy rich tradition of war poetry you Brits have (not that I'm jealous or anything), but it definitely had that flag to me. I also think that simply written the way it is, the poem calls back on that tradition without being trampled by it, but that line, coupled with "hence" in the second stanza, threaten that balance. The other thing that bothers me about the first stanza is that it isn't a complete thought, mostly because of the "scare years before."

Second stanza, it sounds pretty, but I think your point is a bit lost? I love the image of procreation, but that's the most concrete image in the stanza, so I'm left with the idea that what's being procreated isn't the best thing, but I've no idea what that thing is, other than "bad." Also, this is mostly me being, er, me, but! When you say "whims of man" are you referring to the "delegates" from the first stanza, or someone/thing else?

Anyhoo! I hope that helps shape this a bit more! I love how you've structured this, the more I read it. Is this a set form? I would guess so, since you said you may try again in free-verse, but what did you set it in? I don't recognize it, but I like it!

Bek

The rhythm of this is hypnotic. I'd cut "when" and "and" from the first stanza.I love "rubble rings" and "vermin delegates". Your imagery is great.
I'd change "man" to "men."
I love "Their spawn is nurtured by loose tongues".
" the

deeds of man into the name of

war."
is a bit jerky.

The last stanza is very effective. I really like the form you've chosen, but maybe do try it in free verse just to see what happens.

Hope this helps,

Jas