The Shiyru Tournament

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As I'm going through to edit this, my only concern is to help me with sentence structures. Sometimes I can't tell if my sentence flows and if words should be mixed-up or not. After I edited this, I changed my mind that this will be a prologue. Maybe because I refer to the past for the majority, but at least I can now get started! Thanks for any help you give me! :)


I waited patiently until my Master came out to greet me. Today was the day I would compete in my first tournament. I waited for ten years and was trained vigorously. My Master told me that if I were to become skilled enough, I would be able to participate. But it was hard enough going through lessons and getting everything straight to the point. Years flashed before me as if I only started training the week before. But everybody in this tournament learned at different times and ages. I had a fairly big advantage by starting at the age of eight; where as most girls started at age twelve.

The only problem that I dealed with starting so young was how fragile I was. I didn't have that much strength and my body was just beginning to grow ever so slowly. My main concern was breaking a bone or stretching a muscle because then I would have to withdraw lessons until I would heal fully. It almost surprised me that during the first year or so I didn't go through any big accidents. The only injury I had was a slight sprain in my wrist but that healed within a week.

Every participant in this battle never had a choice to become part of this tournament, it felt like you were drafted. The main objective of the tournament was to win family honor and self respect. But for some people, they just wanted to feel accomplishment. My older brother, Quile, wanted to have it all. I, on the other hand, just wanted to feel self accomplishment like many others before me.

I recall watching Quile when he first started instruction. He started around age six and showed a lot of commitment to himself. He was determined to get everything right the first time and show his Master he could do anything. Most of the time I would watch him from inside and cringe anytime he fell to the ground. Father assured me that Quile was strong and could endure any pain; even if it could cause complications later on.

Luckily for me, Quile helped me learn some forms of combat. Quile was my first instructor even though he wasn't the tough type. He made sure I wouldn't get hurt, but at the same time he showed me how to inflict damage on me to show me what could happen. Father didn't really aprove at first, but Mother told him that Quile was being very cautious and that he shouldn't worry.

Shortly after Quile left home for futher instruction, I turned to a good friend of mine by the name of Morgan. He started taking instruction shortly before me, but he helped me gain a lot of potential. We were only seven but it was good to have a good friend teach me some important lessons. Much different from Quile, Morgan refused to hurt me in any kind of form. He allowed me to hit or kick him but he didn't want to cause damage on me. Morgan claimed he wasn't pacifist, but he just didn't feel comfortable about the scenario of hurting me.

Some of things he taught me payed off. I learned most things from him and Quile and was very thankful for their help. Unfortunately, without warning, one day Morgan was selected to join his first Master shortly before celebrating his eighth birthday. We had to say goodbye without knowing if we would ever see each other ever again. My parents told me that night that from this day forward, it was possible that he would become my enemy. I dind't want to believe what I was hearing, but slowly accepted the truth. Friends were always seperated and some of them would be known as enemies forever.

A year passed and I talked to Father about if I could start instruction. Father wanted me to wait, and so did Mother. But I was able to convice them how much I wanted to learn. Being parents, they told me to be careful and not get killed by something. I laughed only slightly but I thanked them for accepting my choice. The day I turned eight was the last day I would see my family for a long time. My Master came to our village and came to take me for instruction. I bid my Mother and Father goodbye and I left our village with no regrets.

My Master was always serious and expected a lot from me. Unlike most beginners, I was determined to learn the first time just like Quile. My Master showed great respect to me and I did the same to him. It wasn't easy for the first year, but I eventually go the hang of everything. Mostly everything I learned took time and effort; whether it was handling weapons or using my surroundings for help. But I learned quickly, and Master was very proud of my success every step of the way.

Now, I stand waiting in the waiting room of the Shiyru Stadium waiting for my name to be called. I was anxious to know who my first opponent was and when I would fight. I paced back and forth until another fighter would stop me. Thankfullly, nobody did. Every other fighter was doing the same or talking to some of their friends or family.

"Lyra, you're ready. You don't need to be so nervous." I turned around to see my Master before me.
"Yes, Master. I know I'm ready, but I am so anxious!" I exclaimed in a calm voice.

Master chuckled slightly and left to go talk to some other fighters. Suddenly, a door behind me opened. I turned around to see who it was; I could slowly feel adrenaline rush through my viens.
Last edited by ocean_soul13 on Tue Jan 20, 2009 8:29 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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I waited for ten years and was trained vigorously.

I'd rephrase this as "I'd waited for ten years and had been training vigorously." It works better and it also doesn't switch between past and present tense.

I had a slight advantage by starting at the age of eight; where as most girls started at age twelve.

A slight advantage? Having four years on someone is a huge advantage.

It wasn't easy for the first year, but I eventually go the hang of everything.

I think you mean "got" not "go".

Just a question. Is this really an epilogue? Or is it a prologue? Because this seems like the beginning fo the story, not the end. Prologues come at the beginning, and epilogues at the end.

Anyway, you did a lot of telling instead of showing in this piece. You didn't describe anyone at all, but instead you gave us a history of your characters, which is actually quite boring no matter how interesting the character. You need to give us this information slowly and not all at once. You should at least get us hooked first by starting your story with the fight or something.

That's about all I've got to say about it. It was okay, but it needs a better start that can captivate us.
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens.




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Make sure you provide more detail with the past. I would recommend plugging in more of the time setting, more info about the main character (personnel details about them), and just plug in an array of adjectives. Make the plot clearer.

Watching him fight was intense for I was so little at the time.
Maybe descirbe some feelings he had or has, not just what happens or has happened. Provide sentences around the lines of; "I remember how startled I was by the violence." Or "It perplexed and bemused me why such brutal battles had to take place."

Anxious, I turned around to see who I was about to gaze upon. It was Morgan.
[/quote] If you want to make this more intense something to seriously consider is more detail about Morgan. Express how close they are as friends, perhaps an experiance they had, or something of the sort. Again, the reader must have more personnel details about Morgan. Make us feel dread, instead of surprise, at seeing him as our opponent. You're doing great Kim, keep it up!
Kendall- The best writer is never done improving his novels.




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Well...what mistakes I did see everyone else here has already posted. But at the very end when you used the word 'responded', you may want to consider using a different word. It just don't fit somehow...

I don't want you to slip back into that cycle of yours that I know ALL TOO WELL. *hint* *hint* (Man! My hand still hurts after that earlier book of yours!)

Anyway, I like how this started out! Very original...in my opinion. (I'm so simple, I guess huh, Cayden?) Hope you post the rest of this story soon! :)
"Do not try and remember what you've forgotten. Instead, focus on what you wish to become. Only then will you truly understand who you are."




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Hi, I'm asxz and I will be your critique

I had a fairly big advantage by starting at the age of eight; where as most girls started at age twelve.


Why do you need to start so early. Why did you start so much earlier than the others? does this give make you much more skilled than the others, and if so then why do you have to start so late, shouldn't you have been fighting for many years now?

He made sure I wouldn't get hurt, but at the same time he showed me how to inflict damage on me to show me what could happen.


this doesn't really make sense. I think what you mean is he demonstrated hurtful techniques on you, but that isn't really clear the way that you have said it.

We were only seven but it was good to have a good friend teach me some important lessons.


I thought that you said you started the training at 8 years, does having your brother teach you not count?

The day I turned eight was the last day I would see my family for a long time. My Master came to our village and came to take me for instruction.


Is it necessary for you to leave your family? tell us more about your feelings when you left... maybe put in something about knowing that it was necessary, but you still felt ripped apart by the experience, I was also wondering how long this
long time
would be, you need to expand on this more, as it is clearly a big moment in your (characters') life.

Mostly everything I learned took time and effort; whether it was handling weapons or using my surroundings for help.


Mostly everything everyone does takes time and effort, was this training excruciatingly painful for you, did you get gratification and self satisfaction out of it, or did it just take time and effort. What was your training regime'? did you train once a week, or every day for 8 hours? What was the 10 years of your life that you were training with your master like? did you miss your family? did you make new friends? We need to know more about your character... What do they do, why is it so important to them?

Every other fighter was doing the same or talking to some of their friends or family.


Where were your family members? what was this moment like for you? did you need to kit up, or were you going in in regular clothes. tell us more about your other competitors, were you singling then out for their strengths and weaknesses? what are your strengths and weaknesses?

I turned around to see who it was; I could slowly feel adrenaline rush through my veins.


Are you going to tell us who it is? or are you going to end the prologue like this. prologues are usually a taste of what it to come... this seems more like a first chapter, and you might end the chapter like this.

More later :wink: I have to go, but i see potentioal in this story, and I will come back and finish reviewing! Feel Free to PM me if you have any questions!




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Hi, I'm asxz and I will be your critique

I had a fairly big advantage by starting at the age of eight; where as most girls started at age twelve.


Why do you need to start so early. Why did you start so much earlier than the others? does this give make you much more skilled than the others, and if so then why do you have to start so late, shouldn't you have been fighting for many years now?

He made sure I wouldn't get hurt, but at the same time he showed me how to inflict damage on me to show me what could happen.


this doesn't really make sense. I think what you mean is he demonstrated hurtful techniques on you, but that isn't really clear the way that you have said it.

We were only seven but it was good to have a good friend teach me some important lessons.


I thought that you said you started the training at 8 years, does having your brother teach you not count?

The day I turned eight was the last day I would see my family for a long time. My Master came to our village and came to take me for instruction.


Is it necessary for you to leave your family? tell us more about your feelings when you left... maybe put in something about knowing that it was necessary, but you still felt ripped apart by the experience, I was also wondering how long this
long time
would be, you need to expand on this more, as it is clearly a big moment in your (characters') life.

Mostly everything I learned took time and effort; whether it was handling weapons or using my surroundings for help.


Mostly everything everyone does takes time and effort, was this training excruciatingly painful for you, did you get gratification and self satisfaction out of it, or did it just take time and effort. What was your training regime'? did you train once a week, or every day for 8 hours? What was the 10 years of your life that you were training with your master like? did you miss your family? did you make new friends? We need to know more about your character... What do they do, why is it so important to them?

Every other fighter was doing the same or talking to some of their friends or family.


Where were your family members? what was this moment like for you? did you need to kit up, or were you going in in regular clothes. tell us more about your other competitors, were you singling then out for their strengths and weaknesses? what are your strengths and weaknesses?

I turned around to see who it was; I could slowly feel adrenaline rush through my veins.


Are you going to tell us who it is? or are you going to end the prologue like this. prologues are usually a taste of what it to come... this seems more like a first chapter, and you might end the chapter like this.

More later :wink: I have to go, but i see potentioal in this story, and I will come back and finish reviewing! Feel Free to PM me if you have any questions!




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Hi, I'm back, I'm sorry if I was harsh before, and this next part might sound harsh too, but there isn't anything as bad criticism! Sorry for the double posting, It was an accident

Now for your overall review! This was a good idea, and it could become a great book, but right now it seems more like an autobiography of William Shakespeare, very dull and boring. You haven’t told us anything about the sport that you are about to compete in! What type of gear do you need? Where are the tournaments held? What surroundings do you have when you fight? Is it a martial art? Do you fight in a courtyard or an arena with hundreds of people watching? Why do you need to train so hard and for so long? What does the battle involve? How do you win? What country is it set in? You haven’t told us anything about the character, only that she does it for self accomplishment!

You need to expand on this a lot more, as you have left me with more question than answers! The way that you wrote this story, having the character say stuff about their life leading up to this point... well, to be frank, it’s boring. You need some sort of action in the beginning. I’m sorry if this sound harsh, but as I said before I want to see this become a book, or at least to have you write more, as it has a good plot and could work out well. But you need to be more descriptive! Right now every sentence is telling us about your life; try to expand it more and you could even have the girl reliving the scenes that you have described! Anything to make a year seem longer than the paragraph that you have given it!

Hope This helps, and feel free to pm me with any questions



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