Faded Moons; Chapter 1 - P1

Note: The lineage is quite confusing if you don't have the family tree in front of you. For the beginning of chapter one I only include four people. Their connection is pretty obvious, but just to let you know I'll make it much more clear. Emily is Robert's mother. She was once the Alpha's mate. Julie is Emily's twin sister. Marcus is Robert's eldest sister's son. Marcus is older than Robert. Darius is Robert's father and the pack leader. Just a little insight on how confusing the pack's lineage may be. Though if this is ever a book I do plan including the family tree. Another thing that will help you, the reader, out is how you become a werewolf. You are born with the wolf gene, it's not like those horror movies you see. If you get bitten by one of my guys you cannot turn into a werewolf. It's genetic. You are either one or you aren't. Before I let you read, yes I know so much rambling, I must hint that this story doesn't just have one genre. Later on it's full of action, romance, and a lot of drama. So much. I hope it's ok.
Enjoy!


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Flakes began falling in the little town of Star Lake, New York. It's trees already covered in icicles from the rain the day before. A light breeze blew the flakes hard against the shingles of the small home on a neighborly street; my house. Our neighborhood, if a neighborhood at all, was full of small, cozy houses. It was beautiful really, the houses and trees, it was almost like a fairy tale. In fact, my life was a fairy tale. I rose to my feet, ready for the long Sunday ahead of me. No ordinary Sunday, of course not, otherwise this wouldn't be a very interesting story, now would it? It starts in the most quaint little town with the most strange creatures. It's said that every full moon that large wolves are found roaming around the dense forest around the houses. Yes, werewolves. Now isn't that spooky? Not to me. My life is full of them, me the son of a werewolf, the son of the Alpha. The son that is next in line to inherit the pack. Why me out of my step-brothers? Why me the youngest? I don't know, no one knows. If it was up to me, I'd hand over the position to Adam or Kyle, my step-brothers, any day. They are much older and wiser than I am, but I cannot choose that. I was never able to change anything that life threw at me. Tonight was something that happened a few days out of the month; the full moon.
"Robert, Marcus, are you two up?" my mother called from the kitchen. My nephew stirred in his sleep, but if you knew Marcus, you'd know that nothing was able to wake him up; well unless you mentioned food, but that was a completely different story to tell.
"Marcus, food," I said simply and cracked up laughing as he jumped out of bed and ran downstairs; in his boxers. I shook my head and slowly stood up, the aroma of breakfast hitting my nose as soon as I did. The scent of eggs, bacon, pancakes, waffles, and orange juice filled the room and I simply smiled. My mother knew the best way to make a bunch of werewolves happy; it was her specialty being the doctor of the family. It was necessary with a bunch of wolves running a high temperature constantly. Not that it was too high, but one hundred and fifteen or seventeen wasn't good to normal humans. It was good to be able to go to Emily for help and soon Marcus would be following in her footsteps. He was twenty-one, sure, but his height allowed him to pass off as a Junior for now.
"What's for breakfast?" I asked in a sarcastic tone as I entered the kitchen, my nephew already at the table stuffing his face. I rolled my eyes in his direction and managed to dodge the spatula my mom was going to smack me with. I laughed and grabbed a glass of orange juice, chugging it down.
"I'm sure you already know by now, Mr. Ashford," my aunt told me from the bathroom, her face unmoving as she applied her makeup; not that either her mother nor her aunt needed it. I stuck my tongue out towards her as I began to lean over my mother's shoulder; watching her make more eggs. I was at least four inches taller than her, but it never stopped her from being the mother figure towards me.
"What's on the agenda today? World domination?" I asked laughing at I noticed Marcus' face, "Relax, it was a joke."
"I swear I'm the only one in the family with your comic personality." I yelled to my aunt laughing as even my mother was disappointed with the world domination comment.
"Yeah, I still think I'm your mother. If only I was knocked out at the same time as Emily I'd swear that you guys were never related," she called out, her tone full of laughter. I could see her applying the mascara onto her eye lashes before I turned to my mother waiting for her to try and smack me again.
"Ha ha, very funny you two. You know if Darius heard you talking like this he'd have your tongues. Besides, no one is able to tell the difference between us Julie. Only Robert can. Even Casey gets us confused on occasions," Emily said with a small laugh as I moved over to the table.
"You should have seen Marcus the other day. It was funny. We should really wear name tags," Julie responded as I grabbed my sides from laughing so hard. Marcus' face was beginning to turn red and he picked up his spoon, egg on the end. He began shoveling the remains of breakfast into his mouth before I began talking myself; a smile sliding onto my face before I did.
"He's not talking about his human crush again. Poor boy. I swear he needs to start looking in his own species first," I said, my smile widening as Marcus began bending his spoon, "Oh come on. Be happy. At least you have a choice of species. You could pick a fish and I swear Darius wouldn't care. No, I have to find another female lycan that I find fairly attracted to. Hell, it doesn't even have to be love. Now, how fair is that?" My complaining made Marcus only smile, as Emily grabbed the spoon from him, smacking him in the back of his head. I didn't laugh at this, knowing that Emily would only back up Darius like she always did on this topic. It was a topic that was common between my mother and I, but the conversation never got too far.
"Marcus, this is the good silverware. Someday boys, you'll appreciate valuables," she said as she opened the garbage, tossing the damaged spoon inside, "And Robert, you know you can't just go up to a human and tell them everything; even if you are in love with them. You're going to be Alpha. Christ's sake boy. Darius will think I raised a rebel." I grinned at her definition of me, the small rebel part of me giving the other part, the good obedient part, a high five.
"Give him a break, Emily. His step-brothers have any choice like Marcus. Heck, his both his sisters are married to humans. Don't tell me that is fair to him," Julie said, backing me up, but I noticed her expression as she came out of the bathroom, "Rob, you know I love you. You know I want the best for you, but your mother is right. Isn't right for the future Alpha to have a human as a mate. It messes up the bloodline. What about that girl from the Bellamont Pack? Bruce is a very good friend of Darius. His daughter, Maria, isn't much shorter than yourself and she's beautiful." I just stared at my aunt with disbelief. Sure, Maria wasn't bad looking, in fact, for a werewolf she was absolutely gorgeous, but I wasn't interested as much as she was interested for myself. Heck, all the girls in the pack were interested in me. Especially if it meant being next in command after the Alpha.
"I don't think so," I said with a firm voice that ended the conversation with a quick blow. Even though I wasn't a Alpha yet, they still had a bit of a instinct to follow me, but despite that they were completely loyal to Darius.

Hi chenka! ktw here to review your piece. First things first; I shall start with your first paragraph Then I'll have overall comments/suggestions. (And if I sound harsh, just remember that it's because I want this piece to be brilliant. I only go this indepth on works I think are good.)

Quote: Flakes began falling in the little town of Star Lake, New York. Its trees already covered in icicles from the rain the day before.
Uh oh, sentence fragment! I would suggest putting a comma after NY and making it all one.
Also, a lot of writers have trouble with this, so a quick grammar tutorial:
Its = possessive = its trees, its claws, etc.
It's = contraction of "it is" = it's hot, it's a book, it's not mine
So, if you're ever in doubt, read your sentence without the contraction: It is trees already covered? That doesn't make sense, so it must be its.

As opening sentences go, this one doesn't exactly pull me in and want to read more. Snow flakes in the north? That's...expected. An opening sentence needs to grab the reader's attention and make them curious. Who? What? When? Why? How? Some start with an action sentence, jolting the reader right in the middle of the story, or by establishing the mood or setting, or introducing the character. However you do this, make sure the reader won't be able to put your book down.

Now, the rest of your first paragraph. It's big! A huge chunk of words and info. Usually, the size of the paragraph is not a big deal, but in this one it feels like you're dumping everything on us instead of dropping hints. I'm sure you've heard one of YWS's favorite slogans: Show, don't tell! Show us that they are werewolves, that your main character doesn't want to Alpha, etc. Like, maybe his step-brothers are resentful that he gets to be the leader instead of them, or begin with how important the full moon is and gradually let us realize that the characters are not quite human. Don't simply give us everything in the first paragraph; it's overwhelming and, honestly, annoying. I must quote Snoink:

Snoink wrote:If you try to explain some part of the story in-depth, you will dig yourself into a hole. When you want to explain in full depth something you researched for the story, a key concept of the story, or a character, resist all temptation. It will make things worse...
As funny as it may sound, if you can, avoid talking about key concepts in the story and let it develop gradually. You'll thank yourself later for it.

Full article here.

Okay, I know this is a lot, but bear with me here!

Wording.
Some of your wording, is unnecessary. For example, when you say Not that it was too high... you're contradicting yourself. They run a high temperature, it's not too high, except that it is too high for normal humans, but it's okay, because they're not normal humans. That's a lot of words for something that could easily be expressed in one sentence.

It can also be confusing. The whole scene where the narrator is joking about world domination...it's hard to keep the characters straight, and who's saying what. I'm going to elaborate more on this in the next section...

Characters.
So, as I said, it's hard to keep track of the characters until the end. And not only that, but I don't feel like I know them at all. Description is good: it lets us know who your characters are, what they look like, their quirks and flaws. What are they like? What made them this way? Create a past for your characters and develop their personality around the past.

The readers don't have to know about every single detail in a character's life-in fact, they shouldn't-but it can help you to get to know them, and then it's easier to think about what they would say or do in this situation.

But! While I don't know your characters very well, I must say I like how they interact. It gives me the picture of a warm, loving family, one which is constantly getting on each other's nerves, but still family. You know? And that's nice.

Finally...
Finally, I'm finished! I know the majority of my comments were negative, so I have to reiterate that my harshness equals lots of potential. Revising is necessary, and makes the work live up to its full amazingness. So, I hope this helped you. PM me if you need anything, or if you need clarification: I have a tendency to ramble, I hope this critique was somewhat understandable.
Keep writing!

KTW,

Thank you so much for this review. It's wonderful to know the many things I could fix with this. I am quite into my book and once again I love the fact I can get other comments about. I am currently, after reading your comments, revising it and I am hoping to get it started better.
Maybe in a few days I'll be able to fully revise this and repost it. Hopefully I can get this book to its peak before I have my friends read it over.

Thanks so much,
Chenka

I liked it alot, at first, with the familiar names and tenancies from the Twilight books, I thought it might be another fanfic, but as I read on, I've got to say, I'm impressed. You used the scientific name for werewolves, and it is definitely an original piece of work. I really like it! I can't wait to read the rest! Oh, one tip though, the characters need describing, I could picture people in the kitchen, but I couldn't imagine what they looked like or if the kitchen is a small or large one. Keep writing!

Positives

I found how you described the sights in paragraph one and smells in paragraph three were really well done! I loved Roberts sense of humor, and it interested me how no one else had it. Very nicely done for a first chapter, and I am looking forward to your next chapter!


Negatives

Despite you positives, there were a few negatives. I have a short list:
-One, in paragraph eleven, Marcus bent his spoon, suggesting that werewolves have above average strength. However, in paragraph twelve, Emily simply threw it away, when possibly, she could have bent it back. That made it difficult for the reader to grasp if werewolves were strong or not in their human form.

-Two, I believe you have a small typo:
QUOTE: "Heck, his both his sisters are married to humans."
The first 'his' shouldn't be there, if I'm correct.

Write until you can't hold a pencil, this is overall very good!

Thank you guys so much. The comments I've received have really helped me with my story and I'm loving it more everyday, if it's even possible. The help with the first part of the first chapter has opened my eyes and I am steadily making every chapter just as good. Hopefully I'll be able to actually make something out of my ideas and I hope no writers block comes searching for me. It's always the worst.
Anyways, I thank everyone again for reading this over. It's always nice to get helpful tips and ideas from others. Even my father is giving me small ideas that I absolutely love.
Again, thanks.

-Chenka