A New Age: Chapter 1

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Note: This story hasn't been worked on for months. I'm currently working on something a bit more privately. I don't like this much, but I'm hoping to get some good criticism so I receive ideas for the current book/story I'm working on. Also rated R for foul language.

Flashback:
"Kaleb come on," my little sister told me jumping up and down making me open my birthday present. She looked so excited and her little smile grinning back at me. She was ten at the time and we had been born on the same day eight years a part. It was a miracle, my mother always told us. She would say that we were twins born in different years. My father was never amazed at anything any longer. He said that if there was anything that my sister and I couldn't do no one would be able to do it. He was right, of course.
"Calm down Sophia. Let your brother have some room. Why don't you open up something," our dad told her. He seemed in perfect health and nothing could possibly ruin this day. Sophia just kept ignoring him, her bouncy personality making her bounce over into my lap. I could only laugh, the last laugh that would escape my mouth for the next horrid years. I quickly unwrapped the present my little sister had gotten me. Surprise swept over my face as I stared at the golden watch with the symbols 'KA + SA.' I turned it over and noticed a sentence written on the back, 'Don't let time pass you by.'
"Jack!" As I heard this my head jerked up and the smile that had been on my face was replaced with a frown. Our dad had falling over and blood was leaking from his mouth, a few moments later he was dead. The image was forever stored in my memory and I could never forget the shrieking noises my mother had made.

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I looked at the ground that seemed to be infected with dead weeds. It hadn't been kept tidy for over six months and why should it be? No one was living in this town anymore. It's not as if people were going to contradict the billions of weeds that sprouted up in the once beautiful town of Superior, Nebraska. I shook my head as I remembered the day the disease hit the world. It had been my eighteen birthday and my father had became ill. He was one of the first thousands to be infected and no one knew why. They didn't know how it started or why it happened then, but once it got air born there was no stopping it. I had watched my father pass away first and then my mother. It was only a few weeks after that did my sister catch it and die. I had been waiting for my turn long before I realized my aunts, uncles, and cousins died from the disease. Soon after all the waiting of my death it dawned on me that I wasn't going to catch it. Out of my whole family I was the special one, the one that was immune. I couldn't stand to live in Cheyenne, Wyoming anymore so I fled. I rode my horse all the way to Nebraska before the mare couldn't take it anymore. She died right by the lake that was no more than a mile away from the town I raided now. I had managed to walk the rest of the way and find a house that was good enough to hide me from the elements. That's where I found Marcus. The tiny little puppy was left there to fend for himself and I began to raise him. Now the Husky is a fully grown protection that helps me day to day no matter if it could kill us both.
"Marcus!" I called as I rose to my feet. I had let him run around outside for a bit, but he had disappeared into the growing vegetation. That dog was always finding weird things out in this world. Last time he had come back with a dead cell phone. It had been a while since I had seen that and I wondered if they ever would be used again. As I shifted in the dead grass, frozen dirt, and lifeless weeds, the sun shone above me and it was not merciful. My rugged clothing stuck to me as the sweat droplets appeared on my brow and nose. There was no electricity anywhere so lighting a candle would not cool me down at all. I would just have to suffer in the house I picked out for tonight; even for it being fall there was only humidity. I never went in alone, in the houses ,though. There were zoos everywhere and at any given moment a wolf or lion could have escaped and then I'd be in trouble. No, I'd have Marcus scout out the house first before I'd raid it for valuables. It would be my third house. The first and second house no longer had the necessary items I needed. A bark came from the bushes in front of me and soon my-almost-two year old dog came running through with a big grin slapped across his face. I couldn't help, but smile at the silly dog.
"Come on silly," I told him placing my hand on his head. He gave out another bark, but soon I put my serious face on.
"Marcus, sit," I told him and he did immediately, "Marcus... search." I watched him charge at the house and as he sniffed around I placed my hand on my head and sighed. My head had began hurting ever since I had fallen off that motorcycle; having had a bit of gas left in it. That's what I found these days. Cars, ATVs, motorcycles, mopeds, and even some planes. No, I never tried flying planes, but they always seem to have just enough gas to hold the motorcycle up for a few test miles. I came back to the world once Marcus began whimpering. I looked up and noticed he had sat down next to the front door. This meant that the area around the house was secure and there were no abnormal entries. I whistled and he relaxed. Training Marcus had been hard, but after several months we had both become experts at reading each other.
"Good boy," I told him as I jumped up the stairs to the door. I checked the front door first, twisting the knob, but nothing happened.
"You ready?" I asked him as I took a few steps back. I twisted around and planted the heel on my foot into the door. It gave away quickly and was soon sliding across the hallway that led to the different rooms in the house. I looked to Marcus who sat still staring into the house. He was waiting for my command and as soon as I whistled he was off; searching the house for other dogs and wild animals. I stepped in slowly after him and looked around. On one of the walls a dusty family portrait hung there. I moved my hand across the dust and it soon reveled a wife, husband, and two kids about my age. One was a tall, beautiful girl with long light brown hair and a athletic figure. The brother was a bit taller than the sister and his broad shoulders told me he was into a lot of sports as well. I sighed and put my head against the wall. They were all dead; I knew this. People would be here if they weren't dead. As Marcus came back to me he sat down; telling me that his search was over. I ignored him for the first few minutes as I morned the loss of this family. My head jerked up as I felt the growing pains in my stomach. We were both hungry and it was my job to keep us both fed.
I twisted the faded golden watch around in my hand. The tips of my fingers moving over the marks made well over two years ago. Tears rolled down my eyes before I looked down at my dog, "Alright boy, let's eat."

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Flashback:
"They've done it!" a voice over the radio boomed, "A cure has been found and is now spreading throughout the world. Survive everyone! Remember, your life is worth saving." I watched the motionless figure on the bed with tears in my eyes. My face was covered in facial hair that I had refused to look after. My clothes were tattered and in my hand was the golden watch; still brand new. Movement stirred myself into crawling over to my sister's body.
"Did you hear that Soph?" I cooed, "They can fix you up. You'll be all better and we can start a new life." I picked her up in my arms; her illness was getting worse and she was losing the battle as had my father and mother. Tears rolled down my dry cheeks and soon fell onto her hair. I stroked her once flushed cheeks.
"Kaleb," she said, her voice so weak and hopeless, "I can see mommy and daddy. They want me to come with them. They want me to leave, it's time for me to go. They say you will come soon too and we can all be a family again." Her hand reached for my cheek; the tears soaking her small cupped hand.
"Don't leave. For Gods sake, don't fucking listen to them. Disobey them. Stay with me!" I shook angrily and my arms couldn't hold her still. I was breaking down, my hope of survival for the last few weeks was about to die on me.
"It's okay Kaleb. You'll follow me. Promise me you'll stay with me forever," she whispered, her eyes slowly closing. Her heart slowing down as the virus began shutting down her major arteries.
"I promise," I whispered to her as her body became lifeless and her last breath shook her whole body as if it never wanted it. Her hand dropped from my cheek and I collapsed on the floor; her body in my arms. Time had passed me by and rewarded me with a dead family, no hope, and with a life.




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little sister told me jumping up and down making me open my birthday present.


little sister told me, jumping up and down to make me open my birthday present.

Even this is imperfect. The sentence needs to be fixed though.

She looked so excited and her little smile grinning back at me.


She looked so excited with her little smile grinning back at me.

or

She looked so excited and her little smile grinned back at me.

eight years a part


apart: one word.

I couldn't do no one

I couldn't do, no-one

her bouncy personality making her bounce

The repetition of "bounce" is probably intentional here, but even so it doesn't fit. Look for another word to replace one or both "bounce"'s

'KA + SA.'

Cool and all, but an "&" would look better than a "+"

forever stored in my

I woul go for a stronger word than "stored" here. Perhaps "locked" or "lodged"

had became ill

had
become
ill

air born

air-borne The term means "carried-by-the-air"

It was only a few weeks after that did my sister catch it and die

It was only a few weeks after that that my sister caught it and died

Soon after all the waiting of my death it dawned on me that I wasn't going to catch it.


I suppose this would be: "Soon after all the waiting for my death it dawned on me that I wasn't going to catch it. "

but would be better rendered as:

"It was only after I had surrendered all hope of escaping it that I realised I already had."

before the mare couldn't take it anymore

until the mare couldn't take it anymore

Now the Husky is a fully grown protection that helps me day to day no matter if it could kill us both.


This one needs a bit of work, perhaps you mean something like:
"Now the husky is a fully grown protector who helps me survive the day to day experience that would kill us both, were we alone."

the growing vegetation

the sprawling vegetation
because all vegetation grows.

My rugged clothing

My ragged clothing
seems to fit the situation better

I never went in alone, in the houses ,though

I never went in alone into the houses though.

necessary items I needed

This is tautological. If an item is neccesary, then by definition it is needed.

"Come on silly,"

repetition of "silly", lose it.

it soon reveled a wife

revealed

People would be here if they weren't dead

A nonsense sentence. They could easily have gone to live somewhere else.

as I morned the loss

mourned

They want me to leave, it's time for me to go

They want me to leave; it's time for me to go.

Time had passed me by and rewarded me with a dead family, no hope, and with a life.

Bleargh. I get the connection with the line inscribed on the watch, but it doesn't fit what's actually happened. Time hasn't passed him by at all, it hasn't even stolen from him: it has been stolen from he and his family by the virus. The ironic swing on "rewarded" is good, but as a whole that last line needs dramatic reworking.


Overall I see a decent introduction to some post-apocalipta. On the one hand, you bring in a good introduction to the times and your protagonist: but on the other you stick to the cliches of a virus: a lone survivor with his dog companion, and looting. I would love to see some more originality shining through here, rather than have it fall into the fanfiction category of all that has come before you.

So yes, run a spell-checker through next time before you post, but the piece is certainly worth the effort required to patch it up.

Cheers,

Rubric
So you're going to kill a god. Sure. But what happens next?

Diary of a Deicide, Part One.


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