Attitude Chapter one

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so this is a little adventure story about a girl named Ina.
She is at a new school that she hates. Ina notices strange behavior, and the disciplinary ways are strange too. She sees how this 'perfect school' is hiding a very big secret, and decides it's up to her to expose this school for what it really is. But the headmistress is determined to fix Ina's bad Attitude. After all, that's what the school is known for.

Chapter One: Hell Greets me with Open Arms
If I were to die and God deciced to damn me to Hell, this is where I’d be. With the constant ticking in the background. The disturbing quiet that’s just so freaking loud. The pale walls and windows bolted down. Yes, that’s the hell I would be in. That’s the hell I’m in now. But instead of the devil, I have things called nuns. The teacher,... nun...,devil paced, walking from one side of the classroom to the other. A small rod in her hand.
Her steps match the ticking of the clock.
She walks up and down the isles forbiddingly; a dour countenance stretched across her aged face. She stops at me, and promptly smacks me on my head that happens to be resting on the desk.
And I was just about to fall asleep.

“Ow!” I exclaim at the sudden stinging sensation. “What the hell was that for?” I say thoroughly incensed at the teacher. She responds by another smack
“Watch your language, and your head needs to be up off the desk, and you need to be working on your problems,” she says with that know-it-all voice I just can’t stand.
“You’re my problem,” I say quietly and let out a sigh of detest and roll my eyes. She hits me again “Cut it out!” I yell at her placing my hand over the bump that’s sure to appear soon.
“I have zero tolerance for rudeness,”
“I have zero tolerance for you,” I say even below a whisper. Whether she heard me- or if her hand has an uncontrollable spasm- she strikes me once more. “All right I’m gonna break that damned thing in half,” I say pounding my fist on the desk causing some of the girls to jump. They’re staring; no, they are gawking at me and the nun. They’re probably counting how many rules I’ve broken so far. She strikes me once again and I stand up tossing my chair back with a loud clatter. Her expression hasn’t changed, but mine is like three different types of livid. I breathe heavily staring her in those empty brown eyes of hers. “Bite me,” I say with clenched teeth. I brush past her and head to the door. I try to turn the doorknob but it stops half way. I struggle pulling the door back and forth, however it doesn’t budge. “What the hell! Are you frigging kidding me! You people lock the damn door! What if there’s an emergency or something!” I yell. The girls continue to just silently sit there like they’re mute. But they look as though I’ve been signing my death wish saying ‘to hell with life, or wait never mind that’s where I’m going! Ha-ha-ha well I’ll see you all later’. How can they take his type of crap every day? The teacher, and her switch, and her heels still in harmony with the clock, make their way up to me. I try the door once more but of course, it doesn’t work. She whips me across my legs and arms as I jump around like some circus act while she says. “There,” whip, “Are,” whip, “No,” whip, “Emergencies,” whip, “At,” whip, “This,” whip, “Schoo,l” whip. “And profanity,” slap, “Is,” slap, “Strictly,” slap, “Forbidden,” smack right across my once unscathed face. The whole time she’s whipping me I’m yelling and screaming going
“Agh! Damnit! Cut it out you crazy bitch! Ow! Stop!” with bruises now accumulating all over my light, caramel skin I pull my hand into a fist. “Knock it off-,” I yell in blind rage throwing my hand in her direction.

It doesn’t hit the target.

I open my eyes seeing her hand wrapped tightly around my wrist.
Her grip tightens.
“To the office,” she says tersely. She pulls my arm behind my back, and I yell out from excruciating pain. “Continue your studies,” and the girls did without hesitation. Immediately, they all look back at their textbooks, and continue to scribble away on math problems that hardly make sense. I squirm as she takes a key from her pocket and unlocks the door. I mark down, that it was in her front right pocket, tied around a string. I can steal that. I think, with a smirk inside my mind. But she pulls my arm and I squirm and writhe and yell down the hall. She doesn’t waver, or chastise me, or hit me with her stick. She merely walks with that pole so far up her butt that she probably can’t bend down. I fight and bite the air spewing any word that comes to my mind. I swing my hand back to grab the key, and as I reach in her pocket, my leg swings back to distract her. I swiftly take the key and stick it in my skirt, wrapping the string around my underwear, so it doesn’t slip. I continue punch and kick until she tosses me, and I mean tosses me into the office.

I nearly land on my face. I rub my arm and glare at the headmaster. Look at her, the hag. Sitting all prim and proud, slender hands folded over her neat desk. Her perfect brown hair in a perfect French braid down her perfect little back. Sitting as if she’s been waiting for this bitch of a nun to throw me in front of her. I can’t stand her. I can’t stand any part of this place. And I’ve only been here an hour. See I had gotten kicked out of school…
Again.

Don’t ask me how many times, I’ve lost track. My mom couldn’t bear with me, so she decided to send me away, and my dads such a pansy he didn’t even try to persuade her otherwise. But maybe, the both of them just wanted me gone. I took an unspoken vow of silence, using sign language (mainly my middle finger) to communicate.
This only angered my mommy dearest more so she issued for an immediate transfer to Hells Worthy Academy for Kids Whose Parents Don’t Want to Raise Them. Or was it St. Monica’s Academy for Young Women… hmm I can never tell, I always seem to get the two mixed up. I don’t know how I got into this school, I made sure I failed the entrance exam, and was rude: popping gum, rolling eyes, cursing, sprawled legs; all of the basics. When she told me gum wasn’t allowed, I took the gum out, and put it under her desk right in front of her. Oh yea I was badass, and yet here I am. In the headmistress’ office within the first hour of arriving. I do believe that’s a new record.
Last edited by Teigue on Wed Mar 04, 2009 11:16 pm, edited 3 times in total.
C.F.Blessed
Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections.

While I am busy with little things, I am not required to do greater things.
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Wow. This was really good. I enjoyed reading this very much. I laughed about a million times while I was reading this. Good job!

If I were to die, and God deiced to damn me to Hell; this is where I’d be.

You don't need that semi-colon. It's not right if you put it there. Just take out the first comma and put it in place of the semi-colon.
Also, you spelled decided wrong. I spelled it right.

I think, with a smirk inside my mind. But she pulls my arm and I squirm and writhe and yell down the hall.

You did this many times throughout the whole post. The second sentence is a fragment and it annoys me a lot. It just doesn't sound right. Maybe combining it with the first sentence would help.
Also, don't use as many verbs. See>>
I squirm and writhe and yell down the hall.

You don't have to use all of them. Verbs are your friends. Take out one of them and it will sound better.

A lot of times throughout the post, you either have a long run-on sentence with way to many commas or really short fragments. Try looking out for those things. (I'm not going to point them all out)

Good job though. Truly, this was really good. :D

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With the constant ticking in the background. The disturbing quiet that’s just so freaking loud. The pale walls and windows bolted down.

When you use periods it always makes the person reading it think of a pause. Parts like this need to be separated by commas. So just replace all but the last period with commas.

The teacher/nun/devil paced, walking from one side of the classroom to the other. A small rod in her hand.

First off, teacher/nun/devil just isn't pleasant to read. You need to convey what she's like in another way.
Now, I'm beginning to see what Cat_910 was talking about. You tend to have many sentence fragments. For example, this should have been phrased as "The teacher/nun/devil paced from one side of the classroom to the other, (notice the comma?) a small rod in her hand."
I also combined the first sentence a little better to increase fluidity. Since you have a lot of these, I'll just leave you to find them and fix.

“There” whip “Are” whip “No” whip “Emergencies” whip “At” whip “This” whip “School” whip.

When I read this, I have to really, really concentrate. If I don't, then the "whips" blend in with the other words and it makes it hard to read. I'd suggest that before this sentence you say that she hits her between words, and then have hyphens between the words like this, "There-are-no-emergencies-at-this-school!"
Although, now that I look back at it, you didn't use any commas between the whips and the words, so that may be the problem... Eh, choose whichever you want. Add the commas or add the dashes.

Other than those few things, I really enjoyed this. It was funny, interesting, and the main character, although someone I'd probably not like to meet, is definitely a good main character. Not many people on this website do much to break the mold to such a degree, so I liked reading it. It was a nice change.

So, work on those sentence fragments and good luck with the rest of it.
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Regarding the little quirks of the writing, I.E. fragments, they're supposed to be there. I can't honestly say I'm sorry for putting them there, it's just how the character is. She tends to talk in fragments, so who am I to deny her of that? Anyway, I will try to fix anything that sounds confusing, but for the most part it's just the writing style. Although you may have to read something twice to understand it, atleast you'll get it eventually right? Thank you for understanding, and taking your time to review and read my story.
C.F.Blessed
Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections.

While I am busy with little things, I am not required to do greater things.
Saint Francis de Sales




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Yes, this is a very good beginning of a story. the first sentence grabs you and makes you want to read more. I also found this an exciting story, as most of what you have put in is hinting of what might happen in the rest of the novel/book. you might want to fix up that sentence
" “There” whip “Are” whip “No” whip “Emergencies” whip “At” whip “This” whip “School” whip. "
as i found myself reading it again too, and the "whip"'s make it long and arduous to say in your head or out loud.

Apart from that and a few other minor grammatical errors (or just how the character speaks), it is a good story and i look forward to reading some more of it!
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