The Day All the Roses Died

You seem to use fullstops nearly all of the time you should try useing commas or semi - colons, this would give a better effect to you're writing

RockGoddess wrote:You seem to use fullstops nearly all of the time you should try useing commas or semi - colons, this would give a better effect to you're writing

I think I fixed that in the edited piece.

wow.........that was AWESOME!!!!



but i was a bit confused here

And bringing out products that on close inspection.

it jus didn't fit to me.

but i think you did great with connecting with the reader and u made me miss roses within the tym i was reading

I really like this! You showed what really is happening to our environment, and how we should take better care of it. It takes a good writer to put real world issues into words. Anyway, I really enjoyed this poem, and I'm happy you posted it

Ok, here is the present version of the poem, with some notes on your comments.


The Day All the Roses Died

One day all the roses died.
Not all at once, just a few at a time.
Not everyone noticed right away,
many only learned on Valentines Day,

The scientists went into action.
Hiding the last in greenhouses and labs.
And bringing out products that on close inspection.
Were nothing like the roses we used to have.

In stores and shops, across the land.
The show must go on, for the entrepreneurial hand.
Roses of plastic, plaster and tack.
So the good old consumer knows nothing’s out of whack.

Environmentalists go into a howling froth.
Hands to their guns and eyes all across.
Corporations hide, point fingers and blame.
Play the “everyone but me” accusation game.

As for the rest, for all the plain folk.
Unless we’re green thumbed, we don’t give a poke.
We’re too busy to care, we have our own lives.
As we scurry around our city hives.

And what do I, the writer, think?
As I kneel down, lost on the brink.
I just take a moment, to write this odd rhyme.
And say, I remember roses, I remember that time.



I have fixed the comma/period problem, which seemed to be the main error here. The other thing several people commented on was the third and fourth stanza, about it not flowing with the rhyming scheme. I haven't come up with anything to replace that.

There was at least one comment that it might be better to take rhyming out. I just want to check, would that entail hunting them and exterminating them? I'm guessing it would be more changing places that are rather forced, I.e froth and across.

I fixed several other suggestions, removed extra words.

On the subject of roses, the important thing is the idea to me, not the roses. It could be The Day All the Porpoises Died, except that wouldn't be nearly as poetic, and this being a poem I went with roses. Actually, when I wrote this, part of my theme was that I didn't know about my subject. I'm not a scientist, a politician, I guess I am a little bit environmentalist, but I really don't know much about my subject. All I know, in this theoretical world, is that all the roses have died, I don't know why, but I'm taking a moment to say I remember.

There was at least one comment that it might be better to take rhyming out. I just want to check, would that entail hunting them and exterminating them? I'm guessing it would be more changing places that are rather forced, I.e froth and across.

Precisely, you've got it spot-on! Where rhyme flows from your writing naturally, great, but make rhythm and word choice your first priority.

The interesting thing is, "froth/across" is actually one of your stronger rhymes, simply because it doesn't break up the flow of the poem. If you can get away with using half-rhymes and pseudo-rhyme ["world/pearl" for a random example] then you get all the benefits of a rhyme scheme, the beautiful lilting quality and enhanced sense of rhyme, without it being such an obvious rhyme scheme that you just jar to a stop at the end of every line, which kind of defeats the purpose.

But above all, first write good lines of poetry that flow, then think about rhyme last.

Beautiful. Original. Moving. Simple. Lovely.

That is all I can say about this.

~Sunny

Wow this was really good. I loved the environmental part in this and the way you made it relate to the bigger picture. Especially loved the way the roses symbolize soooo many things in life. Excellent job with this! Gold star for you!!

fluteluvr77

Thank you ^^