The Day All the Roses Died

NOTE: Go to the end of the thread for the most recent version of this poem.

The Day all the Roses Died

One day all the roses died.
Not all at once, just a few at a time.
Some knew in hours, some in days,
Some read it on Google just this last may.

The scientists went into action.
Hiding the last in greenhouses and labs.
And bringing out products that on close inspection.
Were nothing like the roses we used to have.

In stores and shops, across the land.
The show must go on, for the entrepreneurial hand.
Roses of plastic, plaster and tack.
So the good old consumer knows nothing’s out of whack.

Environmentalists go into a howling froth.
Hands to their guns and eyes all across.
Corporations hide, point fingers and blame.
Play the “everyone but me” accusation game.

As for the rest, for all the plain folk.
Unless we’re green thumbed, we don’t give a poke.
We’re to busy to care, we have our own lives.
As we scurry around our city hives.

And what do I, the writer of this, think?
As I kneel down, lost on the brink.
I just take a moment, to write this odd rhyme.
And say, I remember roses, I remember that time.

Oh, I like this. It could use some help with punctuation, but that's what I"m here for.

One day all the roses died.
Not all at once, just one at a time.

Try it like this: One day all the roses died,
Not all at once, just one at a time.

The scientists went into action.

That... just jars the rhythm. Shorten it so it reads something like,
"The men in white coats jump to the scene,
To make those flowers like they've always been."

And what do I, the writer of this, think?

"Of this" is extra; it would read much better as "What do I, the writer, think?"

Overall: the comparison between roses and the nation is very good. "We don't care, we've got our own lives" really shows that point.

Hi, I'm Clue. =)

This was interesting. I think though you used roses as an example, you really meant the meaning to go deeper. This poem had an undercurrent of, "look whats happening to the world." in a sad-ish way. well, thats what i perceived. =) but the use of roses was good, because they're a symbol of loveliness, and gentle beauty. It did have a bit of what i thought was sarcastic humor, which was alright. The humor and sadness combined balances it out.

Well done. Oh, and take Stori's advice. It's good. =)

--Clue.

That was an excellent poem that I truly enjoyed! I caught this one little error:

Some read it on Google just this last may.

May should be capitalized.

That's all I found. It was a sad poem, but was truly superb. You were very specific with what you were trying to get across and the meaning of the poem came across lovely.

Anyway, welcome to YWS! Your poetry is superb and I will be looking forward to any more that you write.

Hey, I loved your poem! It's powerful.

On the first stanza, I thought it was hard to downshift from talking about roses, to "some" people who noticed that the roses died.

FamousAuthor wrote:One day all the roses died.
Not all at once, just a few at a time.
Some (Roses or people?) knew in hours, some in days,
Some read it on Google just this last may.

You might try something like:

"One day all the roses died.
Not all at once, just a few at a time.
Not everyone noticed this right away,
Some knew in hours, some knew in days."

That way, you have a new noun instead of the ambiguous "some."

FamousAuthor wrote:As for the rest, for all the plain folk.
Unless we’re green thumbed, we don’t give a poke.
We’re to busy to care, we have our own lives.
As we scurry around our city hives.

That should be "too".

All in all, your poem was great. It's sad, but it's effective!

Thanks for the feedback and the welcome.

Just some comments and changes on the poem.



One day all the roses died,
Not all at once, just a few at a time. - Stori did you just not like the wording here?
Not everyone noticed right away,
Many only learned (it?) on Valentines day. - Thanks secret, that is a good point.

The scientists went into action. - I can't figure out how to fix this line. I'll have to work on it later.
Hiding the last in greenhouses and labs.
And bringing out products that on close inspection,
Were nothing like the roses we used to have.

In stores and shops, across the land,
The show must go on, for the entrepreneurial hand.
Roses of plastic, plaster and tack,
So the good old consumer knows nothing’s out of whack.

Environmentalists go into a howling froth,
Hands to their guns and eyes all across.
Corporations hide, point fingers and blame,
Play the “everyone but me” accusation game.

As for the rest, for all the plain folk,
Unless we’re green thumbed, we don’t give a poke.
We’re too busy to care, we have our own lives,
As we scurry around our city hives.

And what do I, the writer, think? - Cut out "of this"
As I kneel down, lost on the brink.
I just take a moment, to write this odd rhyme,
And say, I remember roses, I remember that time.

It's an attractive poem, and I really enjoyed it.

Just one thing: the punctuation. It needs improvement. Don't go and put a fullstop at all the lines! (Take Stori's advice)

Other than that, this poem was very good. Very specific, very enjoyable. Good job, and keep it up!

this was a very powerful poem,
actually, It almost made me cry... no joke,

its true you know, whether you are alluding to larger issues in life or not, but its true, to love something so much and to have it taken away and replaced by a copy that is far from realistic... plastic has no soul to speak of,

a great job, the rhyme scheme didnt seem too forced, and the rhythm was passable, you messege is definatly the strongest point of the poem though, adn I think you executed that superbly.

roses, innocence, whatnot, they are lost and replaced, take some time to look at the world around you, to see the beauty that is there, but most people are too involved in their own lives to even try to see it.

I think it was an excellent poem, good job,

over and out,
God

Wow
That was fantastic, inspiring, amazing!!! And all sorts of other adjectives!!!

One day all the roses died.
Not all at once, just a few at a time.
Some knew in hours, some in days,
Some read it on Google just this last may.

Great opener - it grabs the reader's attention. May I make a suggestion?
"Some read it on Google; just this last May."

The scientists went into action.
Hiding the last in greenhouses and labs.
And bringing out products that on close inspection.
Were nothing like the roses we used to have.

Use commas - in some parts I became confused due to lack of correct punctuation.
"The scientists went into action,
Hiding the last in greenhouses and labs"
(WAIT! DIDN'T THEY ALL DIE?!)
"And bringing out products that - on close inspection,
Were nothing like the roses we used to have."

Environmentalists go into a howling froth.
Hands to their guns and eyes all across.
Corporations hide, point fingers and blame.
Play the “everyone but me” accusation game.

I think that this part is my favorite: it creates great visuals and the rhyming flows well.
Once again, use commas. Not all of these should end with periods.

Other than that, it seemed flawless - fantastic! - in my humble opinion.
^_^
Kudos!

I thought this was good. I liked the little environmental message in there. Just a few little things. Your rhyme scheme makes sense after the first... 4 stanzas, but its a little hard to follow. You might want to work on that a little. Also, I'm no expert on poetry and rhyming and such but:

Environmentalists go into a howling froth.
Hands to their guns and eyes all across.

Froth and across don't seem like the best rhymes to me. Anyway, there's my 2 cents worth, feel special.

Wow. I love it. There's not much for me to comment on because everyone else already has, but:

FamousAuthor wrote:
The scientists went into action.
Hiding the last in greenhouses and labs.
And bringing out products that on close inspection.
Were nothing like the roses we used to have.

I agree with what someone (I'm not sure who, I appoligize to them) said about the first two lines. More specifically, the first. It sounds a bit off, and someone (again, no clue who) suggested a way to fix it.

As for the rest, for all the plain folk.
Unless we’re green thumbed, we don’t give a poke.
We’re to busy to care, we have our own lives.
As we scurry around our city hives.

And what do I, the writer of this, think?
As I kneel down, lost on the brink.
I just take a moment, to write this odd rhyme.
And say, I remember roses, I remember that time.

I like the stanza above because it really sends out the message to the point where its almost impossible to miss. I also like the last line. It sounds really good.
Love the poem. Its really original. In a good way, I promise.
Keep up the stupendeous work,
~MV

Mmm, I'm impressed, a very worthy effort! I struggle to become emotionally involved in most of the political [broadly political, that is, not necessarily party-political] poetry I read, the majority just seems whiny and preachy. This, however, is approached with a great deal of subtlety and tact, of which I very much approve.

You definitely have a gift for picking out images and storylines to get the idea you want across - what I think it holding you back [in this poem particularly] is some of your choice of technique. For example, this could have been made a lot easier without trying to force a rhyme scheme, for example: I know the temptation is to stick rhyme all over it to add another dimension, but without a LOT of experience it usually just makes a poem seem awkward and stilted as you're forced to use unnatural words and expressions to make the rhyme fit. As I've said, your gift of expression is one of your real strengths, and I'd encourage you to drop the idea of rhyme altogether and concentrate on your choice of words and phrases. If there are times where it seems particularly relavent of beautiful, great! Put it in, but other wise make it a secondary priority, and I think your poem will swell with vitality and loveliness, even more so than now

Good luck! I have every faith in you.

Hey there m'dear, and welcome to YWS! Let me introduce myself, I am Stella or whatever else you may like to call me, and I shall be your reviewer today.

I. NITPICKS

just a few at a time.

I preferred one at a time, but w'eva.

just this last may.

May should be capitalized. Also, it's a nice idea, but it does seem a little out mentiong Google here.

And what do I, the writer of this, think?

uh... not working for me. A little twist perhaps.

Okay...

II. HERE COMES THE SCIENCE BIT!

A rose is a flower in which the petals are arranged in fives. No really. That's how you know if it's in the Rosaceae family. So, like, apple blossom, that's a rose, bramble, that's a rose... now, most people wouldn't know that, so you're grand. But I am interested as to what you mean by a rose? A red one? Just those fancy generic big ones? Or the more open ones too? The wild ones?

You're writing about roses so, well, write about roses.

III. PUNCTUATION

hehe... I just realised something as I wrote that. "Punc" is full stop in Irish and I just realised why.

Anyway, why all the full stops in the middle of sentences? Commas, darling, commas are a gift from the Lord on most high. Use thm .

IV. OVERALL

A nice concept, but the message was a bit lost on me. Is it about a world gone by? Or did the roses really die? Or is it about pollution and how we ruin the world? Or is it about it all? To tell the truth, I actually prefer poems that leave this open for us to decide by ourselves, so I'm not really complaining.

Hope I helped, and PM me if you need anything!

-Stella.

Hi everyone,

There are many, many comments to analyze here, and tomorrow or Monday I am going to try to do some editing. Thank you for all the responses again, since I last said something similar. Does anyone have any comments on the change from "Just this last may" to " Valentines day" I posted below the original.

I guess I should leave the interpretation of the poem for each person to do individually, for myself it is about remembering. The roses are really just an example, the idea came from the disappearance of many bee species.

Ryan

Valentine's Day... that could be really ironic, and it would make sense . I say go for it. It's sort of satirical, like, people don't notice unless it involves them.

As for the bees... They've gone back to their home planet of Mellia! (Doctor Who, anyone? No... well, that's their explanation for it). No, I can't really explain the fact that the bees are disappearing. But I did actually have that going through my mind while reading it. Sorry, I didn't see the edited version. It reads much better than the original.

If you need anything else, just shout!

-Stella.