Weavers Ch 1

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This is the first part of my story "Weavers". It's actually one of my most favorite things that I've worked on and I think it's probably one of the best too. Anyway, tell me what you guys think. Is it a good idea? Is it too boring? Don't be afraid to be harsh :3 Oh and sorry if it's too long ^^;


“Emi, hurry up!” Katie called as she ran on ahead of me, disappearing from her waist down in the meadows wild flowers and tall grass.
I laughed as I chased the four-year old, following the trail of dented grass she’d left in her wake. The cool, summer breeze blew around us, transforming the meadow into a beautiful, otherworldly sea, sparkling with hues of magenta, sapphire, and emerald. Katie’s long, thick, curly brown hair, free from its usually tight braid, bounced against her back, tangling itself in a myriad of knots as she ran carefree towards the heart of the field.
“Got you!” I cried as I caught Katie in my arms and sent us both tumbling to the ground in a giggling heap. When our laughter finally subsided, we laid there sprawled out amid the tall grass, gazing up at the bright blue sky. We watched the fat, snow white clouds drift slowly by like little fluffy boats in the sea.
“Emi, look at that one!” Katie said, pointing up at a particularly small cloud that looked incredibly like rabbit.
“It looks just like a bunny.” I replied, smiling as I pointed at another one. “Look, a bird.”
“Wow…” Katie said breathlessly, her young mind still amazed by even the simplest of nature’s wonders.
Out of the corner of my eye, I watched my younger sister’s animated face glow with happiness as she continued to gaze up at the sky. Soon, she would reach her fifth birthday, and with its passing, moments like this would be lost to her forever. She would begin her lessons in the way of a Weaver and would begin to learn the ancient arts that were our family’s legacy. She would learn the power and strength that our blood granted us, abilities that no other mortals had ever known before. Just as I had, she would be taught how to create and weave the spells that enabled us to bend reality to our wishes, to completely bypass the laws of nature as we used the magic that was as much a part of us as our souls were to form enchantments limited only by our imaginations.
But, above all, she would learn to kill.
For that was the way of our clan. For centuries, our family, so unique and gifted in its abilities, had been revered as the highest ranking assassin clan the world has ever seen. As long as anyone could remember, our family, the acclaimed Senri’s, had always been there, magic in one hand and death in the other. There was no other group, no other organization or faction that could ever match the power of our bloodline, we who had never once failed an assassination. Never had a person, mortal or immortal, human or shifter, lived after we had accepted the charge to kill it, and because of this, the Senri’s reputation in the world was unmatched. The very title Weaver had been stained with the amount of bloodshed that lay behind it, turning the otherwise cherished blessing into one of malevolent necessity,
Soon, my sister would learn this. She would learn the bloody massacre that was our history and would learn of how we had ended and started countless wars with just one quick action. And the more she would learn of our family’s ways, the more she would lose that sweet, pure innocence that filled her hazel eyes.
“I’m hungry.” Katie stated, her stomach grumbling loudly just as the words escaped her lips.
“Should we head back home then?” I asked as I pushed myself up on my elbows.
“Only if you promise we can come back before you have to leave again.” She said, her eager, round eyes determined.
“Promise.”
“Pinky promise?” Katie asked, holding out her little finger with all the solemn gravity of a blood vow.
“Pinky promise.” I swore, grasping her finger with my own. “Now, let’s get back home before your belly eats us both.” I said, poking her still rumbling stomach. Katie laughed and, grabbing my hand, took off running back towards the forest that surrounded our home.
When her little body ran out of stamina, I lifted her up onto my back and carried her for a time, letting her catch her breath while we walked silently down the faint trail. It was such a beautiful day that I kept finding myself getting lost in the scenery as we continued on. Since my days of childhood, I’d been trained to have my every sense on high alert at all times, never once letting down my guard; doing so would mean death or failure, neither of which were allowed, let alone accepted. It was only at moments like this, when I was alone with Katie in our family grounds, which were so secluded and hidden from the world that no one outside the clan knew their exact location, that I let myself relax and permitted my mind to wander. The way the large, oak leaves moved in and out of the sunlight, turning from one dark emerald green to a lighter jade one in an instant, had captivated me so much that it took a poke in the head from Katie to bring me back down to reality.
“Emi!”
“Huh? Oh, sorry. I dazed out there a bit.” I said sheepishly. “What did you say?”
I heard Katie give an exasperated sigh somewhere behind my head. “I said, when do you have to go back to school?” she said slowly, drawing out and pronouncing each word with over-exaggerated care as she referred to the school where I was taught to hone my ordinary, physical assassination skills, though she knew nothing about that. Yet.
I frowned as that question was brought back to my attention. “Honestly, I don’t know. I’m not even sure why Mother and Father summoned me back here. You know how important our…‘education’ is to them. I can’t think of anything that would be worth interrupting my studies in their minds.” I answered. My training at the school was one of the most significant and vital things in my parents’ lives. Saying that the fact that they were willing to interrupt them was disturbing was an understatement.
“So that means you’ll be here for my birthday?” Katie asked eagerly, always looking on the bright side.
“Probably.” I answered. I didn’t want to make any promises that I wouldn’t be able to keep, but her birthday was only two days away and it was the last one she’d have as a child, so the chances were pretty good I’d be able to stay. Plus, her voice was just too sweet and hopeful to deny.
“Great! You’d better get me something good, Emi.” She went on.
“Uh oh…”
“You did get me something, right Emi?” she demanded.
“Well…see, the thing is…” I said nervously.
“Emi!”
I laughed at the level of emotion in her voice. “I’m just joking, Katie. Of course I got you something. You’ll just have to wait and see what it is.” I replied mischievously, lifting her off my back. “Want to race the rest of the way home?”
And just like that, the anger that she’d built up vanished. Katie smiled up at me and then took off running, leaving me to follow in her giggling wake. We raced down the rest of the path and moments later broke through the wall of trees and into the front yard of our home. As we sped up the sloping hill towards our house, I shifted through my magic and let it flow towards my sight, enabling me to see the full beauty of our house.
To any who weren’t members of our clan, the house appeared to be nothing more than a simple one-story wooden house. It’s white, cracked paint was peeling with time and years exposed to the open weather had given it a slightly battered look. The two front windows were unwashed and dirt-flecked, but still managed to give off a warm, homey feel. Nothing special or notable stood out; not a single noteworthy detail existed to mar the overly average appearance. All in all, it was an unremarkable building, the kind where people who didn’t officially exist were expected to live.
But to my eyes, enhanced with the magic that flowed through them, the sight before me had no equal. I was able to see through the illusions, past the intricate layers of complicated spells my family had woven around the home since the dawning of our bloodline. Beneath all of the protective spells placed for our family’s security lay my true home.
It was a two-story miniature palace, made of the most luminescent pure white stone I’d ever seen. Several large glass windows decorated the front of the building, blinding me as they reflected the noon sun like mirrors. The great stone porch and oak double-doors blended in seamlessly with the rest of the house, their snow white paint impossibly flawless. The elegant building reeked of splendor, leaking grandeur and magnificence out from every overly polished crevice like an addictive miasma.
Out of all of this though, my favorite part wasn’t the materials that created our home. No, instead, the features that fascinated me the most were the ones that lied covertly in the very air surrounding the house, almost invisible as they shimmered and wove in and out of existence. It was the beautiful and sacred words my family guarded with their lives, the ancient syllables that granted us the ability to wield our powers. Every spell that had ever been placed upon the house radiated in my vision, switching back and forth between such fantastic hues that the sight almost brought tears to my eyes. I watched as the glimmering lines danced around the white building, melting in and out of the carved script that was etched into the stone to seal the magic there forever, long after the death of the casters.
I felt the magic inside me sing as it came into such close proximity with the ancient spells. It sent the blood cascading through my veins and set my heart afire. Euphoria flooded my senses. The enchantments were suddenly weaving around me, enveloping me in their enticing webs. They clutched at me with eager acceptance, offering me just a taste of the living dreams they could create for me. They sang to me of the riches and unimaginable treasures that awaited me. All I had to do was submit to them, to allow myself to float away on their wish-fulfilling currents, and it would all be mine.
But I was prepared for this. I drew my magic back to me, chaining the treacherous sirens to my will once again. Sweat broke out on my brow as I struggled to seal the power away, refusing to let it overwhelm me as it had to others of my clan. Within moments, I had regained full control, though the effort had drained a great deal of my energy.
This was the danger every member of my family was forced to live with. Each one of us that had been gifted with magic, blessed with the unequaled power to control fate itself, was cursed. The forces that raged inside our bodies, latched onto the very core of out beings, wielded too much strength for even us to posses. For us to lose control would allow it to fully awaken. It would free the rawest, most pure form of untamed power that had ever existed. If we ever lost control, ever lost ourselves completely to the tantalizing abilities that coursed inside of us, even for an instant, than we also forfeited our lives. It would burst out, ripping itself apart from us, and irrevocably destroy our bodies as it severed the chains that bound it. It would mutilate us past all help, inevitably delivering us into the worst and most agonizing death imaginable.
I stared at my home, watching the beautiful magic playfully dance around my sister as she ran ahead of me. This was the burden we all carried. Inside each of us was a power unlike any other, waiting for the moment when we would slip up and it could shred its way to freedom. This was the fate that awaited my little sister.
But, I silently vowed to Katie, I will use every ounce of my magic, every piece of the beast inside me that hungers for my death, to change that fate.
No matter what the price, I would give my sister a future.




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Amazing work. This is excellently written - the descriptions are absolutely beautiful. You capture the MC's emotions very well.

One thing I will say is that as I began to read it, it felt a little slow, with the description of the girls playing, but once I got past the first part, it was absolutely gripping. I'm not sure how to fix this, or whether it even _should_ be altered in any way: the descriptions and perfectly captured innocence in the first few paragraphs is a wonderful counterpoint to the MC's dark thoughts.

~Annie




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This is excellent and very well written. I felt your description was fantastic, especially the description of the house and the effect of the spells on her. I really like the idea and was truly absorbed.

The contrast of the innocence of the sister and the darkness that awaits her is shown well. The only thing to say is that it did start off a little slow but I also think this helped create the picture of innocence.




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The description in your story was wonderful. It was one of the things I noticed immeaditely. Also, the way you captured the little girl's innocence and the darkness ahead was great. You did a good job on this. I didn't find the beginning too boring, I know what it feels like to play with the little four year old girls lol. It's fun and their laughter is so contagious...anyways I can't wait to read more. It isn't boring at all.
Purple light in the canyon
that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me

--- "My Rifle My Pony and Me"




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The way the large, oak leaves moved in and out of the sunlight, turning from one dark emerald green to a lighter jade one in an instant *No comma here* had captivated me so much that it took a poke in the head from Katie to bring me back down to reality.


I promise you, I tried to shred this into the tiniest pieces I could, and I came up with this.

However, in order to be helpful, I will tell you the best parts.

Excellent description. The house, forest, and meadow were all wonderfully described.

My favorite part was the voice shown by the main character. When she spoke so passionately about protecting her sister, and I could her the dedication and promise in her voice.

Overall, excellent.




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Oooh, I loved this! The bond between the two sisters is so sweet that it reminded me of my little sister. The world you've created is wonderful and exciting! Your writing is also very rich with details that make visualizing easy. Also, when you explain things to the reader and go off tangent, you do it so it still captures their attention.

So these Weavers live among normal people? It's all very interesting and I will be looking forward to your next chapter! :D
Got YWS?

You judge others upon their actions, but you judge yourself by your intention.




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No kidding this is some of your best work. It has given me some ideas. But, I have found some stuff:

There was no other group, no other organization or faction that could ever match the power of our bloodline, we who had never once failed an assassination.


Nothing is grammatically wrong with this sentence, but while reading I was a little thrown by the comma after "bloodline" because I glanced over the "who" while reading. I'd replace the comma I mentioned with a semicolon, and delete the who.

...turning the otherwise cherished blessing into one of malevolent necessity,


You've ended this sentence with a comma.

“Should we head back home then?” I asked as I pushed myself up on my elbows.


I'd put the action in front of the tag.

“Huh? Oh, sorry. I dazed out there a bit.” I said sheepishly. “What did you say?”


"Dazed out" feels a little strange in the formality of this. Perhaps replace with "lost myself"?

And that's all I got.

Atmosphere- Really can't say anything about it.

Overall- Definitely curious as to where this is going. Amazing job with the prose.

And for giving me an idea, you get a gold star! Keep it up!
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Thanks to all of you guys for the reviews! I'm really happy to get such great feedback and I'll work on the things you all mentioned. Thanks again :3



I’ll paraphrase Thoreau here... Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness, give me truth.
— Christopher Johnson McCandless