The Other Side

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 690
Reviews 2
I know it's rough. There's things that need fixed, but I would like to know what you think. I have more than this but I'm putting this much up to get imput.
______________________________________________________
I'm...different.
No, correction: I'm a freak of nature.
I shouldn't be able to do what I do. Everyone that always claims to have this "gift" is a crack-job. I've never met anyone else like me, and I doubt I ever will. It just goes against everything reasonable. And the worst part is that I can't tell anybody. I'd be locked up in one of those padded rooms--strait-jacket included.
I can just see it now. I would walk downstairs to the couch where my parents would watch one of their nightly T.V. shows. I'd just sit down next to them. Once a commerical appeared, the television would be muted, and then I would mutter the infamous Sixth Sense line...
I see dead people.
See? I told you--freak of nature.

Chapter 1
"Elizabeth Daniels?"

I snapped out of my "own little world" as soon as a heard Mr. Ward, my chemistry teacher, call my name. I could tell he was getting frustrated with me. I had recently--and a lot--been drifting in and out of focus, thanks to it being the last few weeks of school.

"Sorry, sir," I said, looking down at the boring white desk, flushed.

"Do please pay attention," the middle-aged teacher begged. "Your final is in only three days and you would not want to fail this. It would be very unfortunate to fail your science class right before graduation."

I didn't respond. Not because I was embarassed, but because I knew he was right. Although I had done just okay in my chemistry class during the year, I had forgotten almost everything I'd learned. And the final was going to be a huge part of my grade. Now was not the time to be day dreaming.

I started trying to focus as Mr. Ward went over a review for the final. Today, he was studying orbitals. Definitely something I despised. In fact, I just despised the whole class. Why did I let my father walk me into taking chemistry? I wasn't even sure of that answer. It was just a momentary lapse of judgement on my part. One that could end up screwing up my graduation.

Of course, my dedication to the attempt of focusing didn't last. It shifted to watching the clock. There was only a minute left in class until three o'clock. This made the class even worse--it was the last period of the day, making the hour drag on slowly. God, I loathed this class.

Finally, the bell rang, granting the class' freedom. They all hated the class as much as me. As I walked to my car, I heard a voice calling my name.

"Liz! Hey, wait up Liz!"

I recognized the voice at once as one of my good friends Zach Myears. Zach is a great guy--one my parents always wanted me to date--and I love the guy to death. Just not in the way that he loves me to death. And unfortunately, he doesn't always get the hint.

"Hey," I said to Zach as a neared the parking lot.

"Hey, Liz," Zach said happily. Almost too happily. Like a 'I'm very nervous' happy. I started to pick up on what this might be about. "You know, I was just thinking of an idea." Uh-oh. This was definitely about doing something together--like a date. "You and I should go see a movie tonight." Bingo.

I hated this. Turning down Zach would be hard, but to be honest, I didn't want to date my 'brother'. My best friend, Laura Walsh, asked me to help her cousin move into his new apartment in town. I'm not sure why she asked me to help, but she did. Boy, was I glad she did. It gave me a nice reasion to turn Zach down nicely.

"I'm sorry, Zach," I started, "but I'm helping Laura's cousin, Alex, move into his apartment. I'm on my way to Laura's now."

Zach's face fell enough for me to notice, but he put on a mask to hide it an instant later. Guilt washed through me. I hated to hurt him.

"That's cool," he said non-chalantly. "Have fun moving boxes!" That's Zach. Always make light of something that hurts him.

He laughed and continued his way to his truck. I turned in the opposite direction and headed towards my car. The air was warm since it was mid May, and the heat felt good on my face. When I reached my little Chevy Cavalier, I unlocked the door, rolled down the widows, and started the car.

I drove through the streets of town, on my way to Laura's house--like I did most days after school. I glanced on the sidewalks seeing many underclassmen students who lived nearby that were walking home.

While stopped at a stop light, I noticed another teenager on the sidewalk. Only this teenager, I knew, wasn't a normal teenager. This guy standing there was probably my age--and has been my age for a while. The guy was dead.

Wonderful... was all I could think to myself.
______________________________________________________________
Technically there is still more to this chapter, but I haven't figured out a good stopping point, so I'm going to stop it here. Please, let me know what you think. I greatly appreciate it.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 10
Wow impressive
there were a few minor mistaes nothing major
I couldnt make out the visualization. I understood everything but had to sort of create the caracters myself. Try adding more detail and descriptons into you writing. Take what you'd imagine the character to look like and put it straight onto the paper.

I'd suggest possibly sketching the character with the looks you'd want for it then put discriptions to the side of the picture and use that as detail in you story. an old trick i learned from a few others. Doesnt matter how horrible your drawing is at least brainstorm up some possible looks

otherwise I absolutley loved the story
cant wait for chapter 2 ^.^
When the world explodes, I won't panic. I'll lay down and watch the sky. The last word to leave my lips will be "Boom"
Love you Mary-boo




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 7829
Reviews 239
This was pretty cool. It's always cool to read stories where at least one character can see ghosts. But I agree with Ms.Dream up there. You need a little more detail and descriptions. The only way I could imagine the school parking lot there was thinking of my old high school lol. I really can't think of anything else to say or offer any tips except when you do describe your characters and their surroundings, do it gradually. Don't put a big info dump on your readers. That can get really boring (and believe me, I've done it before and have been told). But good luck and I can't wait to read more. You should give me a message when you post the next part up.
Purple light in the canyon
that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me

--- "My Rifle My Pony and Me"




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 690
Reviews 2
Thanks for the tips. After I posted this section I realized that I didn't reach the part where I describe the characters. And it's definitely my downfall. I'm not very good at helping it flow when it comes to descriptions because I hate writing something then there is randomly a description where it doesn't fit. The descriptions of these characters flow, but I just didn't reach that part. I only put in an excerpt. Thank you though. Because of your advice I was able to edit my descriptions and I feel they fit better. When I post the next section, you'll see what I mean, but they can always be better, I'm sure.



Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
— Miles Kington