Lillian Musquato

Prologue:
Beginning a story has never been my strong point.
I have always gotten ahead of myself, to the exciting stuff you know? Ever since I was a little girl and my peers thought it was a hilarious concept to call me Lillian Mosquito, and my parents were a cute New Yorkian couple.
And I bet your wondering why I'm not getting to the actual story? Wondering why you should bother reading my story? Well, I can't give you a concrete reason, but I can tell you that you might be happy you did. And now here I am, trying to start this story again, well I guess there really isn't another place to start than, the beginning.

Hi! Well, there really isn't much here to review so sorry if this is pretty short.

I have always gotten ahead of myself, to get to the exciting stuff you know? Ever since I was a little girl and my peers thought it was a hilarious concept to call me Lillian Mosquito. and my parents were a cute New Yorkian couple.

The first sentence didn't flow very well to me, though I got what you saying in it. Putting the words I bolded in would help it, but that's just me so yeah^^. As for the second one, it was really long and a bit confusing. It kinda seemed random to me-- you went from talking about getting ahead of yourself to your childhood nickname. It would make more sense to me if you went more into your inability to build up a story. If you want to keep it though, try shortening it down a bit were I suggested and, if I were you, I'd take that whole parents part out. It just doesn't seem to fit that well unless you're willing to go in and explain it a bit more.

And that's about it. The second paragraph seemed pretty good to me^^ All in all, I liked this and I'm interested to see where it's going. PM if you have any questions or if there's more please :3

Beginning a story has never been my strong point.
I have always gotten ahead of myself, to the exciting stuff you know? Ever since I was a little girl and my peers thought it was a hilarious concept to call me Lillian Mosquito, and my parents were a cute New Yorkian couple.

You jump around here. hint to why they would call her lillian mosquito. and then talk about her parents.

And I bet your wondering why I'm not getting to the actual story? Wondering why you should bother reading my story? Well, I can't give you a concrete reason, but I can tell you that you might be happy you did. And now here I am, trying to start this story again, well I guess there really isn't another place to start than, the beginning.

Don't start with 'and' you did that twice. it's a conjunction so it combines two sentences, not the starting of a sentence. no comma before 'the biginning' maybe an elipse could work there?


You are trying to seem mysterious and say that there is actually a story after this. But I'm not really getting the feeling from it. You're too vage. Try to go into a bit more detail to make the reader actually interested in what you are trying to say, otherwise, they will lose interest.


Hope I helped. XD

Okay ...

i know that you are trying to make the reader understand more about Lilian but it woudl be better if you give a short descirption maybe tell the reader a certain scene like Lilian being bullied and transfer the concept to her mind that she is thinking that she needs revenge and how she might do it will be a suspense and will let the reader read more of what you are saying.

That could be a good beginning. Just write a small part then leave it instead of saying that you cannot write a good beginning and simply let that left behind.

Anotehr thing that could help here is a small characer description for Lilian like she has red hair and blue eyes that is why people make fun of her.

well taht is all i have to say