Pete Doherty

Irresistible Features,
Life enraged with leeches,
Sweat dripping from hies hair,
I feel intrigued to visit his lair.

Devouring eyes that dazzle with pride,
I can't believe i was stood at his side.
Mind spinning round and round,
Body trembling from his systematic sound.

So much talent in his soul,
Why does he constantly fall into that horrendous hole,
he's on a spiral out of control,
next time he may not even achieve parole.

Lyrics that touch all parts of life,
Watching his talent his like holding a glinting knife.
Danger lurks round every corner,
He makes me feel like I'm living in a sauna.

Heeey, the title caught my attention, so i thought i'd review seeing as nobody else has, which is pretty sad

gn001f1735 wrote:Irresistible Features, SHOULD FEATURES BE CAPITALIZED?
Life enraged with leeches,
Sweat dripping from [s]hies[/s] HIS hair,
I feel intrigued to visit his lair. DID YOU USE THIS JUST BECAUSE IT RHYMES? I DON'T THINK IT WORKS, IN MY OPINION.

Devouring eyes that dazzle with pride,
I can't believe [s]i[/s] CAPITALIZE THE I was stood at his side.
Mind spinning round and round,
Body trembling from his systematic sound. THIS LINE IS HARD TO READ- TOO MANY SYLLABLES!

So much talent in his soul,
Why does he constantly fall into that horrendous hole, SAME HERE, TOO MANY SYLLABLES! ALSO THERE SHOULD BE A QUESTION MARK!
he's on a spiral out of control,
next time he may not even achieve parole. I'D TAKE OUT THE EVEN

Lyrics that touch all parts of life, I LOVE THIS LINE !
Watching his talent [s]his[/s] I ASSUME THIS SHOULD BE 'IS' like holding a glinting knife.
Danger lurks [s]round[/s] AROUND every corner,
He makes me feel like I'm living in a sauna. AGAIN, DID YOU USE THIS BECAUSE IT RHYMES, IT SEEMS KIND OF OUT OF CONTEXT AND A BIT FORCED REALLY.

Okaaay, this poem has some potential but i think you need to work on a bit to make it perfect. For example, you've made some typos (you should check your work before posting on YWS! I get told this all the time ) Also, i'd take out some of the words that i've pointed out where there's too many syllables, or maybe work out a line scheme just to make it flow a lot better. Some of the rhymes seemed a bit forced, such as corner and sauna, and hair and lair and i'm sure if you thought about a bit more, you could find some brilliant rhymes to put in there instead! The simile was interesting- "Watching his talent is like holding a glinting knife" however, you could've gone on to explain why watching it is like holding a knife because it seemed to end a bit abruptly there and i was wondering, whyyyyy? Same with the sauna bit, why does it feel like your living in a sauna? Go on to explain...

If you work on this more, i think it could be really good and i agree, Pete Doherty has awesome talent but he does a good job at screwing his life up, which is a real shame!


xxxx