Teaser..... it may seem a bit strange

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A pair of warm, strong arms wrapped around my body. They are so familiar and comforting. I grip tightly to the person who is hugging me. I don’t want to let them go, because I know exactly what will happen as soon as I do.
I look in to the kind, brown eyes of my father to see him gazing back at me with a sombre expression clouding his face. I know what’s coming next, so I curl my fingers into his checkered shirt and cling to him, in a desperate need to have him close. Big fat tears swell in my eyes, making them sparkle but all for the wrong reasons.
“Don’t leave me, please.” I whisper in a pathetic attempt to keep him with me forever.
I close my eyes and let my shoulders slump. I inhale deeply through my nose in an effort to keep all my memories of my father with me for eternity. I can smell the fresh, summery scent of lawn clippings and the sweet salty odor of horses on his skin. It’s all so real here, why can’t it be like this all the time?
I open my eyes, slowly, one at a time. It’s painful; I don’t need to open them. I know exactly what’s staring at me. Huh, and sure enough, in the place of my father is a girl. Her unruly hair and wild, desolate eyes that hold nothing but sadness and pain, stare at me hauntingly. I raise my right hand place it on my cheek. The girl opposite me does exactly the same but with a delayed reaction. Her movement is swift but gentle. She looks so familiar. I could be staring at my own reflection; same height, same width, same build, same everything. But yet we are different, there’s nothing hiding the pain that is painted on her face.
It’s just the girl and myself. We’re alone in a gloomy forest. Everything around us is still. Not a bird to be heard or, the sighing of the trees from the gentle breeze ruffling the tops. It is absolutely dead.
This is new. I’ve never been to this place before and it’s frightening. I struggle for consciousness. I struggle to get out of here. Away from the emptiness that surrounds me. I snap my eyes shut. Will I be awake when I open them? I count a slow minute before I open them again.

* * * *

I sucked in a deep, panicked breath and abruptly sat up in the bed I was lying in and smack my head on the bunk above me. The covers slip off my legs and land in a heap on the floor next to my bed.
“Ouch!” I quietly muttered and rubbed the top of my head. It was throbbing and I could feel a slight bump starting to swell under my fingertips. Wait, there shouldn't be a bunk above me. I reached up half an inch above my head, and sure enough I could feel a slab of wood and the mattress. I listened hard and could just make out the quiet rhythmic breathing of another creature in the same room as me. Where am I? It’s so dark in here. And that smell! There's something not right about it, yet it's familiar and i know i should know what it is. I swung my legs over the side of my bed and thumped to the floorboards. A muffled snort came from above me. I started and froze on the spot. My heart accelerated a hundred times faster. I have absolutely no idea where I am or how I got here. It’s all too freaky. I can’t here anything so that thing must have gone back to sleep. A faint glow illuminated from the wall, must be the curtains. I tip toed over and fumbled around trying to open them, till I realised they were blinds and pulled the string. A brilliant white moon shone through the window and illuminated the bunks.
I gasped, frozen, with shock and aw. Sitting on the top bunk staring at me with what I would think a similar expression was something like me!
We stayed frozen like this for 10 minutes. the thing scrutinised my face. I dared not move in fear for it jumping down and capturing me. i stood shaking on the spot, till it eventually spoke.
“Melanie?” it asked hesitantly “Oh, my god! It can’t be!”
An expression that i couldn't make out flickered across the thing's face. Is he talking to me? Why did it say that name? My name is Horizon not Melanie.
It jumped down from his perch and ran the few short yards over to me. I took a step backwards in horror my back pressed against the wall. I couldn't go any where else, except the window maybe? I glanced over my shoulder and out the window. The ground below was a few meters down maybe about 10- 12? the height didn't pose a threat, i knew i could handle a drop like that its how i was constructed. The thing pulled up short in front of me, a couple of feet away. I could read the expression on it's face now. It was hurt. Did i make him feel like that?
"I know its you, Melanie." It spoke gently this time.
Again the name. I repeated over in my head. Melanie, Melanie, Melanie. There was something flashing in my head, bright and colourful. I wanted to grab it and keep it in my mind. The me looking thing pulled its eyebrows together in the middle, a frown i realized. But it wasn't puzzled, it was still hurt.
“Don’t you remember me, Mel?” it spoke again.
No I don’t remember you. I wanted to say, but did I remember it? There was something so familiar about this thing that looked like me. i was sure i had crossed paths with it somewhere before, but everything was so fuzzy and painful. What did it want?
“It’s me, Jake. Your best friend? Your brother from another mother?” It pulled its lips back from its teeth. Smiling at its little joke. Another bright and colourful something flashed in my head again. But stronger this time. I saw brief but definite picture....
I was lying on my back with my eyes closed, smiling up at the warm sun on top of a black weaved mat shaped in a hexagon. On the out side of the mat were springs attached to it and a metal bar, which held its shape. Carried on the gentle breeze was the droning hum of a lawn mower over the hill. Birds chattered fervently. Excited about the warm spring day i thought to myself. A horse snorted from somewhere in the paddock. this moment was almost perfect. Lying next to me was the me looking thing. It looked up to the sky and watched the clouds drift lazily across the blue that went on forever.
“Do you think he’s up there?” it had asked.
“I dunno Jake. I don’t really believe in that kind of thing.” I had said to it.
In that brief moment everything came back to me. The thing right here, it was a human! And the smell in this room, it smelt like home! My knees went weak and collapsed under me. I sunk to the floor and gripped the sides of my head. tears pooled and spilled over my eyelids.
“Jake," I gasped. "Yes I remember you! I know who you are. But I …I forgot. I’m so sorry!” I said in between sobs.
“Hey, it’s okay, Mel.” he crooned softly.
Jake lifted me into his arms and wrapped me securely in a tight hug.
“You’ve been gone along time. I want to know everything.” He insisted.
I looked at his face, unsure of what to say. He wanted to know everything? How could I tell him? The pain, the magic and the creatures. Its so bizarre he won’t believe me even if I did spear the details.
xX-Team Jacob-Xx




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Hey, Kenni!

First of all, I just wanted to tell you that before you psot your work here on YWS, you should have two reviews of other's work. Thanks!

Onto your review...

(My critique is in bold)


kenni wrote:A pair of warm, strong arms wrapped around my body. They are so familiar and comforting. I grip tightly to the person who is hugging me. I don’t want to let them go, because I know exactly what will happen as soon as I do.The first sentence of this paragraph is in the past tense. If you won't your story to be in the present tense, change "wrapped" to "wrap". Also, maybe your character knows what would happen if she let go, but the reader doesn't! Explain.
I look in to the kind, brown eyes of my father to see him gazing back at me with a sombre expression clouding his face.See my "Showing Not Telling lesson at the bottom I know what’s coming next, so I curl my fingers into his checkered shirt and cling to him, in a desperate need to have him close. Big fat tears swell in my eyes, making them sparkle but all for the wrong reasons.
“Don’t leave me, please.” I whisper in a pathetic attempt to keep him with me forever.
I close my eyes and let my shoulders slump. I inhale deeply through my nose in an effort to keep all my memories of my father with me for eternity. I can smell the fresh, summery scent of lawn clippings and the sweet salty odor of horsesHorses smell sweet and salty? I for one don't think horses smell like candy bars. on his skin. It’s all so real here, why can’t it be like this all the time?
I open my eyes, slowly, one at a time. It’s painful; I don’t need to open them. I know exactly what’s staring at me. Huh, and sure enough, in the place of my father is a girl. Her unruly hair and wild, desolate eyes that hold nothing but sadness and pain, stare at me hauntingly. I raise my right hand place it on my cheek. The girl opposite me does exactly the same but with a delayed reaction. Her movement is swift but gentle. She looks so familiar. I could be staring at my own reflection; same height, same width, same build, same everything. But yet we are different, there’s nothing hiding the pain that is painted on her face.
It’s just the girl and myself. We’re alone in a gloomy forest. Everything around us is still. Not a bird to be heard or, the sighing of the trees from the gentle breeze ruffling the tops. It is absolutely dead.
This is new. I’ve never been to this place before and it’s frightening. I struggle for consciousness. I struggle to get out of here. Away from the emptiness that surrounds me. I snap my eyes shut. Will I be awake when I open them? I count a slow minute before I open them again.

* * * *

I suckedIf you want to be in the present tense, change it to suck. in a deep, panicked breath and abruptly sat up in the bed I was lying in and smack my head on the bunk above me. The covers slip off my legs and land in a heap on the floor next to my bed.
“Ouch!” I quietly muttered and rubbed the top of my head. It was throbbing and I could feel a slight bump starting to swell under my fingertips. Wait, there shouldn't be a bunk above me. I reached up half an inch above my head, and sure enough I could feel a slab of wood and the mattress. I listened hard and could just make out the quiet rhythmic breathing of another creature in the same room as me. Where am I? It’s so dark in here. And that smell! Describe the room more.There's something not right about it, yet it's familiar and i capitalize Iknow i Capitalize Ishould know what it is. I swung my legs over the side of my bed and thumped to the floorboards. A muffled snort came from above me. I started and froze on the spot. My heart accelerated a hundred times faster. The last sentence was all in the past tense. Switch it to present.I have absolutely no idea where I am or how I got here. It’s all too freaky. I can’t here anything so that thing must have gone back to sleep. A faint glow illuminated from the wall, must be the curtains. I tip toed over and fumbled around trying to open them, till I realised they were blinds and pulled the string. A brilliant white moon shone through the window and illuminated the bunks.You wrote all of the last three sentences in the past tense.
I gasped, frozen,Remove the comma. Also, "gasped" is past tense. with shock and awawe. Sitting on the top bunk staring at me with what I would think a similar expression was something like me!
We stayed frozen like this for 10 minutes. the thing scrutinised my face. I dared not move in fear for it jumping down and capturing me. i stood shaking on the spot, till it eventually spoke.
“Melanie?” it asked hesitantly “Oh, my god! It can’t be!”
Remember to always capitalize I and the beginning of sentences.An expression that i couldn't make out flickered across the thing's face. Is he talking to me? Why did it say that name? My name is Horizon not Melanie.
It jumped down from his perch and ran the few short yards over to me. I took a step backwards in horror my back pressed against the wall. I couldn't go any where else, except the window maybe? I glanced over my shoulder and out the window. The ground below was a few meters down maybe about 10- 12? the height didn't pose a threat, i knew i could handle a drop like that its how i was constructed. The thing pulled up short in front of me, a couple of feet away. I could read the expression on it's face now. It was hurt. Did i make him feel like that?
"I know its you, Melanie." It spoke gently this time.
Again the name. I repeated over in my head. Melanie, Melanie, Melanie. There was something flashing in my head, bright and colourful. I wanted to grab it and keep it in my mind. The me looking thing pulled its eyebrows together in the middle, a frown i realized. But it wasn't puzzled, it was still hurt.
“Don’t you remember me, Mel?” it spoke again.
No I don’t remember you. I wanted to say, but did I remember it? There was something so familiar about this thing that looked like me. i was sure i had crossed paths with it somewhere before, but everything was so fuzzy and painful. What did it want?
“It’s me, Jake. Your best friend? Your brother from another mother?” It pulled its lips back from its teeth. Smiling at its little joke. Another bright and colourful something flashed in my head again. But stronger this time. I saw brief but definite picture....
I was lying on my back with my eyes closed, smiling up at the warm sun on top of a black weaved mat shaped in a hexagon. On the out side of the mat were springs attached to it and a metal bar, which held its shape. Carried on the gentle breeze was the droning hum of a lawn mower over the hill. Birds chattered fervently. Excited about the warm spring day i thought to myself. A horse snorted from somewhere in the paddock. this moment was almost perfect. Lying next to me was the me looking thing. It looked up to the sky and watched the clouds drift lazily across the blue that went on forever.
“Do you think he’s up there?” it had asked.
“I dunno Jake. I don’t really believe in that kind of thing.” I had said to it.
In that brief moment everything came back to me. The thing right here, it was a human! And the smell in this room, it smelt like home! My knees went weak and collapsed under me. I sunk to the floor and gripped the sides of my head. tears pooled and spilled over my eyelids.
“Jake," I gasped. "Yes I remember you! I know who you are. But I …I forgot. I’m so sorry!” I said in between sobs.
“Hey, it’s okay, Mel.” he crooned softly.
Jake lifted me into his arms and wrapped me securely in a tight hug.
“You’ve been gone along time. I want to know everything.” He insisted.
I looked at his face, unsure of what to say. He wanted to know everything? How could I tell him? The pain, the magic and the creatures. Its so bizarre he won’t believe me even if I did spear the details.




Sorry, I didn't have time to read the whole thing.
If you ever read this review, PM and I'll review the rest.

Overall Impressions

-You really need to work on your grammar. Always capitalize the word I and the beginning of your sentence.

-Stay consistent with what tense you are in.

Show Don't Tell

Don't just tell me things. Show me with description.

Example...

Alex's geometry homework was frustrating her.

as compared to...

Alex bent over her geometry work, scribbling furiously. Her eyebrows contracted as she read over her answer, cursed and began to furiously erase. She pushed her long hair out of her red face... etc.

Which is more interesting to you?

Anyway, hope this helped!

-Sakura
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




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Okay, here's the second part of the review you wanted!

An expression that i couldn't make out flickered across the thing's face.


i should be capitalized. Also, don't tell me that "there was a strange expression". Describe to me. As I said in my first review, show don't tell.

couldn't go any where else, except the window maybe? I glanced over my shoulder and out the window. The ground below was a few meters down maybe about 10- 12?


Do you know anyone who talks like this? Where there is a question at the end of each sentence? Yeah? I'm just asking? Don't write like that. ^_^ Replace the commas with periods. Add a comma before maybe.

the height didn't pose a threat, i knew i could handle a drop like that its how i was constructed. The thing pulled up short in front of me, a couple of feet away. I could read the expression on it's face now. It was hurt. Did i make him feel like that?


Always. Capitalize. Your. I's. Please! Capitalize the T as well.

Also, if its is supposed to mean it is, you need an apostrophe: It's.

i was sure i had crossed


Capitalize the I's.

Its so bizarre he won’t believe me even if I did spear the details.


Its should be: It's.

Spear should be: spare

All in All

This story was pretty good. It held my attention. Bad grammar really taints it. Brush up on your basic knowledge of capitalization. Add more description.

Hope this helped,
Sakura
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




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Thank you so much!
Well I'm stoked it held your attention!
I've been writing little pieces and going back and adding detail, I can totally understand by what you mean by show don't tell, and it's quite noticeable. As for the grammar, yeah i defiantly need to work heaps on that (school starts in a couple of weeks, time to brush up I'd say). I'm going to be away for a few days but when i get back i will start editing it!
Thanks again!
kenni xx :D
xX-Team Jacob-Xx




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Points 9593
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Hi, looks like a good story, I shall review :lol:

I sucked in a deep, panicked breath and abruptly sat up in the bed I was lying in and smack my head on the bunk above me. The covers slip off my legs and land in a heap on the floor next to my bed.

Read over this sentence in bold, does it sound weird? That's becauseyou have confused the tenses. It's a rookie mistake,but sadly a common one. I do it all the time :x

yet it's familiar and i know i should know what it is.

Capitals for your proper nouns!

I started and froze on the spot.

Started, and froze! I don't get it :?

I can’t here anything so that thing must have gone back to sleep

Here should be hear.

I gasped[s], [/s]frozen, with shock and aw.


Sitting on the top bunk staring at me with what I would think a similar expression was something like me!

Something? Something? I take it you aren't a person then!

the thing scrutinised my face.

The should be a capital.

i stood shaking on the spot, till it eventually spoke.

I should be a capital.

Melanie?” it asked hesitantly “Oh, my god! It can’t be!”

Capitalize the beginning of the sentence. Always.

An expression that i couldn't make out flickered across the thing's face. Is he talking to me? Why did it say that name? My name is Horizon not Melanie.

It jumped down from his perch and ran the few short yards over to me. I took a step backwards in horror my back pressed against the wall. I couldn't go any where else, except the window maybe? I glanced over my shoulder and out the window. The ground below was a few meters down maybe about 10- 12? the height didn't pose a threat, i knew i could handle a drop like that its how i was constructed. The thing pulled up short in front of me, a couple of feet away. I could read the expression on it's face now. It was hurt. Did i make him feel like that?

Look for all of the lower case "i"'s in this segment. Capitalize the singulars

No I don’t remember you. I wanted to say, but did I remember it?
again witht the itwhy not him, in this sentence it sounds like you are trying to recall an eent of some sorts... just clear that up.

i was sure i had crossed paths with it somewhere before, but everything was so fuzzy and painful. What did it want?
More lower case I's, fix that up please.

The thing right here, it was a human!
WOW! I think that you should get rid of the IT thing, it just annoyed me...
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