Tormenter

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I wanted to focus more on action instead of lengthy descriptions so gave it a go at writing something short, any comments would be really helpful :D

“How dare you speak to me like that!”

Her head snapped back as flesh connected with flesh, a yelp escaping her lips before she could silence herself.

“You dog, you stupid, clumsy dog.” His mouth twisted as he spat the words, spittle spraying her hunched figure as she shielded her stinging face with one bony arm.

His whole body leaned over her; a tower of anger that filled her vision. He grabbed her wrist, his nails digging into her flesh as he pulled her up into a standing position. Her eyes darted about the room for a weapon, anything she could use to defend herself, but the sparsely furnished office offered nothing in way of help.

“Look at me.” His voice was lowered to a growl.

Unwilling and yet scared of the consequences were she to choose otherwise her pupils met his. Black, uncaring- his stare showed no hope for her survival.

“I’m going to teach you a lesson you’ll never forget.”

His face drew closer to hers as the deadly words issued from between clenched teeth. There was no escape. His hand was still firmly clamped about her wrist but she took a step backwards all the same, separating as much as herself as possible from him. He noticed and she could see his eyes flash in anger.

“Don’t try to escape what is due to you, you deserve this!” He bellowed.

His hand swiftly drew out a knife from his coat pocket whilst maintaining his hold on her. She suppressed a moan of terror as she glimpsed the steel but he showed no hesitation. The blade flashed in the lamplight from the desk as the sharp point skimmed across her shoulder, blood rising greedily to meet its ridge.

She gasped and tears came unwillingly to her eyes. Her body tried to twist from his grasp, repel herself from him, and she succeeded in taking another step. The back of her foot met contact, with what she could not see. Hope sparked in her mind. He drew back the knife to flash across her cheek, harder than before, the scarlet flow spilling faster to drip off her chin.

As she flinched she heard a low rumbling from his throat, his lips curling at the edges.

If I do nothing he’s going to kill me. I'm going to die here tonight.

He had the knife poised a third time, ready to slash again. With all the force available to her weakened state, she heaved herself over the unknown object behind her ankles, throwing herself tumbling to the ground.

Surprise flittered across his face as he followed her fall, attached to her as he was by firm hand. She angled herself sharply to the right, twisting her torso so as to land on her side. The blade narrowly dodged her collar bone as her attacker landed heavily beside her, his arm crashed against the wooden boards releasing her from his grasp. The other arm he had flung out to break his fall and the knife skittered across the boards to rest a few feet away.

Despite her aching lungs and crushed ribs she yanked her hand close to her chest, free at last.

“You!” He roared.

She had no time to contemplate pain, swiftness was her only ally. Rolling onto her stomach she forced her body forwards to snatch the weapon just in time for her assailant to pounce upon her.

The knife rose to greet him.

He had no hope of stopping as the cold metal sank deep into him, gravity pulled him down to embed the blade further still. His body slumped on top of hers, the knife handle the only object between them.

“Wh- what?” The query was only a whisper, all rage gone.

His face was inches from her own, she could smell his stale, ragged breath, feel his lungs labouring beneath his ribs and see the spidery rivulets of red that sprawled across the whites of his eyes. She was forced through horror and weight to lie pinned beneath him, gazing up transfixed as the colour slowly drained from his face.

“Yo-You..”

Her heartbeat slowed; the adrenaline that had so recently flooded her veins was disappearing. What had happened?

“I’m sorry.” But her words were merely an exhalation, her apology left unformed.

Even if it had been, no-one would have heard.
Last edited by Pippiedooda on Wed Jan 14, 2009 6:53 pm, edited 3 times in total.




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Wow! This was really good! I'm surprised nobody has comented on this yet.

So, as a whole, I really enjoyed this. When I'm writing an action scene, a lot of times I feel like I'm moving too quickly or too sowly; this, however, I thought had a nicely even pace that the reader could keep up with, but also get excited about. Your characters are kind of one-sided as of right now-- but, if you continue this, that should be easy to change.

They remain nameless. :shock: I didn't fully notice that until the very end, which is a good thing, I assure you. It didn't bother me, but it will bother me if in the next chapters they still don't have names.

Her head snapped back as flesh connected with flesh, a yelp escaping her lips before she could silence herself.


That bolded comma should be a semi-colon. That's one grammatical error that is repeated throughout the entire piece; make sure you know when to use semi-colons and when to use commas. A comma is used when the two phrases pieced together aren't complete sentences with a subject and a verb:

She dribbled the basketball, dodging her opponents.

A semi-colon should be used when the two sides of the sentence are complete thoughts:

She dribbled the basketball; she barely made it around her oponent.

I don't mean to insult your intelligence, and I'm sorry if you already knew all this. Just a refresher course in something I used to struggle a lot with.

At first, towards the end, I thought he ended up killing her. Because it said...

She was forced through horror and weight to lie pinned beneath him, gazing up transfixed as the colour slowly drained from his face.


The word 'beneath' made me think he was on top of her and had stabbed her. It's much better the way you actually wrote it, though; just thought you might like to know that your reader got confused.

Also, tell us some of her emotion as she killed him. Is she going into shock? Terrified at herself? Relieved, but ashamed of the feeling? Downright ecstatic?

Anyway, please PM when you get more of this up. I'd love to keep reviewing this story for you. It has tons of potential!

~Evi
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.




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Awesome story! Keep writing. There was just enough description.
Just a few tips, though.

It was a bit annoying that there were no names. Maybe have the girl known to the reader, and the man like he is.

“You dog, you stupid, clumsy dog.”

This confused me a little, because I thought there was an actual dog. Later on it became clearer.

The back of her foot met contact, with what she could not see.

That doesn't sound quite right. Reword the last part, because it sounds like her foot touched "what she could not see," which, if you think about it, is many things. Most things aren't seen at once. Try something more like, "met contact with something." If you want to, elaborate on the something.

Surprise flittered across his face as he followed her fall, attached to her as he was by firm hand.

Would he really fall with her from just holding on with his hand? Wouldn't he let go? It doesn't make sense. She could make him trip from the ground, but he wouldn't follow her like that.

“Yo-You..”

If it's one syllable, it can't be broken up. Other wise it's "yo you."

Once again, great story. I'd like to keep reading it.

If you don't mind, I have another question not related to you r story. What does it mean to PM someone? And how do you connect multiple chapters of a story? Thanks for the help.




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I thought it was a good story! :wink:

This is my first proper review, so don't blame me if it sounds harsh, as i picked yours as a good enough story to rewiew!

“How dare you speak to me like that!”

I was captivated by this first sentence, and found it told me alot about the story that was to come.

“You dog, you stupid, clumsy dog.” His mouth twisted as he spat the words, spittle spraying her hunched figure as she shielded her stinging face with one bony arm.

This had a good start, and i was not at all confused by the referances to dogs, as you had previously made it clear that it was two humans exchanging words:

"How dare you speak to me like that!”

but the words "spittle spraying" highlighted in bold two quotes above were very confusing to me, and i found that they don't really work together as words consecutively, however vivid the picture they paint in my mind, they just don't sound right. I thought it was also unneccesary to say the word spittle, as you had already pointed out that he "spat the words"

This sentence was also a good development of character, so i would say keep the first part, but reword the second.

Unwilling and yet scared of the consequences were she to choose otherwise her pupils met his.
This was the worst sentence for me to read. I'd read it 3 tim,es over, and then finally realised why i wasn't getting it. I think you should have wrote the papragraph like this:(Changes made in bold)

Unwilling but scared of the consequences if were she to choose otherwise, she diligently met his gaze.

There were no pauses or commas in the sentence at all, i think this might have been a gramaticcal error, but the word was also a little off.

Don’t try to escape what is due to you, you deserve this!” He bellowed.

I found this quite a confusing sentence, as nobody ever speaks like that anymore, I had to re-read it to grasp the actuall meaning, and then i found myself puzzled at why you put this in.

Last of the bad stuff, I promis!

If I do nothing he’s going to kill me. I'm going to die here tonight.

The second fragment was uncalled for, you are just repeating the same thing in a different context. Next time you might want to get rid of one of them, and make the other longer, and include the just of both of them.

Other than that, the story was good; It
had character development from the begining,
had a clearly defined plot,
Captivated me from the early stages,
made the reader thirsty for more,
And was written discriptivly and well formatted!

As i said before, this is my first major review, so could you please tell me if this has been of help!

Thank You for writing a great story :D



Besides, if you want perfection, write a haiku. Anything longer is bound to have some passages that don't work as well as they might.
— Philip Pullman