Escape

3 posts
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Gender Male
Points 300
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The door crashed and shuddered with their weight and he could her her voice: "THE KILLER! YOUR SOULS!"
The door ripped off its hinges and fell straight in, making a flat handclap. Dust puffed up from the floor. Men, women and children charged him. Spittle and stovewood flew. He shot his guns empty and they fell to the floor with a loud thud. He retreated to the back of the shop, shoving over a flour barrel, rolling it at them. They came on, screaming with frantic incoherency. From everywhere, She exhorted them, her voice rising and falling in blind inflections. He pushed shells into hot chambers, smelling the aromas of gunpowder and tonsure, smelling his own flesh as the calluses at the tips of his fingers singed.
He crashed through the back door. The flat scrubland was at his back now. Three men hustled around the corner, with large betrayer grins on their faces. They saw him, saw him seeing them, and the grins curdled in the second before he mowed them down. A women followed them, howling. He blew her backwards and she landed in a whorish sprawl, her skirt rucked up between her thighs.
He went down the steps and walked backwards into the desert: ten paces, twenty. The back door of the barber shop flew open and they boiled out. he opened up. They fell in squats, they fell backwards, they tumbled over the railing into the dust. They cast no shadows in the deathless purple light of the day. He realized he was screaming. He had been screaming all along. His eyes felt like cracked ball bearings. His legs were wood. His ears were iron.
The guns were empty and they boiled at him, transmogrified into Eye and a Hand, and he stood, screaming and reloading, his mind far away and absent, letting his hands do their reloading trick and speak their own tale.
They were in gripping distance. He let them have it, and the ones behind them. Their bodies thumped like scarecrows. Blood and brains flew in streamers. They halted for a moment, startled, the mob face shivering into individual, bewildered faces.
He had time to reload one gun.
Then it was her. She was running at him, waving a wooden cross in each hand. "DEVIL! DEVIL! DESTROY HIM!"
He put a shot into each of the crosspieces, blowing the roods to splinters, and four more into her head. She seemed to accordion into herself and waver like a shimmer of heat.
The tips of his fingers sizzled and burned. Neat circles were branded into the tips of each one.
Their were fewer of them now; He thought they would break with the women dead, but someone threw a knife. The hilt struck him squarely between the eyes and knocked him over. They ran at him in a reaching, vicious clot. He fired his guns empty again, lying in his own spent shells. His head hurt and he saw large brown circles in front of his eyes. He missed with one shot, downed eleven with the rest.
But they were on him, the ones that were left. He fired the four shells he had reloaded, and they were beating him, stabbing him. He threw a pair of them off his left arm and rolled away. His hands began going their infallible trick. He was stabbed in the shoulder. He was stabbed in the back. He was hit across the ribs. A small boy squirmed at him and made the only deep cut, across the bulge of his calf. He turned and blew a hole in his head that made blood echo on the ground behind him.
They were scattering and he let them have it again, back-shooting now. The ones left began to retreat toward the sand colored buildings, and still the hands did their business. His hands were cutting them down as they ran. The last one made it as far as the porch, when his bullet caught the man in the back of the head causing him to stumble into the broken window.
Silence came back in, filling jagged spaces




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Gender Female
Points 915
Reviews 26
Hi there! First off, welcome to YWS! Just so you know, your supposed to do two reviews for every one of your own posts. But, that technicality aside, let's see what you got :D

Nitpicks:

First:
The door crashed and shuddered with their weight and he could her her voice: "THE KILLER! YOUR SOULS!"

The bolded part should be hear. Also, just a little side note, but I personally think all caps in a story is a bit...overkill. I mean, I think it works great in some parts, but so early in the story seems a bit much to me.

Second:
Men, women, and children charged him. Spittle and stovewood flew. He shot his guns empty and they fell to the floor with a loud thud. He retreated to the back of the shop, shoving over a flour barrel, rolling it at them. They came on, screaming with frantic incoherency. From everywhere, she exhorted them, her voice rising and falling in blind inflections. He pushed shells into hot chambers, smelling the aromas of gunpowder and tonsure, smelling his own flesh as the calluses at the tips of his fingers singed.

The two things I bolded here need to be added.

Third:
He crashed through the back door. The flat scrubland was at his back now. Three men hustled around the corner, with large betrayer grins on their faces. They saw him, saw him seeing them, and the grins curdled in the second before he mowed them down. A women followed them, howling. He blew her backwards and she landed in a whorish sprawl, her skirt rucked up between her thighs.

The word I bolded seems off. I get the point you're trying to get across, but it just seems awkward. Try a different word. Also, and this is just me here, "whorish" was a bit of an annoyance. I don't know why, but it just bugged me.

Fourth:
he opened up

Should be He. This too seems a bit off. I think it would sound better if it were more along the lines of "He opened fire."

Fifth:
He put a shot into each of the crosspieces, blowing the wood to splinters, and four more into her head. She seemed to accordion into herself and waver like a shimmer of heat.

The first bolded word should be changed to what I put and the second, again, seems a bit off, though I applaud your vocabulary.

There are few more things like this but I'll let other people get them. I want to get on to my overall view of this piece.


Overall:
I think this had great potential, but as a starter, it was way too choppy for my taste. It was too vague and fragmented in my opinion. Something like this would seem more appropriate in the at least the middle, if not end, of a story. But I do understand that it could be a very unique starting chapter. I just think you should go back and make things more complete and clear. It was too chaotic and confusing.
But like I said, it has a lot of potential. I think this kind of story could go to great places and I'm curious as to where you will take it from here. PM if you have any questions or when you post more. :3




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Gender Male
Points 1190
Reviews 57
Geez, this is great work, and i could'nt stop reading.
Thre are a few things I want to know:
Is this a western? or does it take place sooner or later in that time period? just remember that in earlier times the weapons did not shoot as many rounds and as fast as we have today, because at one stage you said he missed one shot and killed with eleven shots, so that means he has a weapon that fires twelfe shots or more without reload. Either it is another time period, or if its a western, he is shooting to six-shooters at a time, or its just me once more and there is something that im missing. :D

Your discription and detail is amazing, you made me hear every shot and feel everything in the story.Good work!!!

Vince
"Don't look down on anyone, except if you are helping them up."



"And what is the use of a book," thought Alice, "without pictures or conversations?"
— Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland