Run

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Here's something I started a long time ago but never really finished. It wasn't until recently that I finally got re-inspired and brought it out of it's premature hibernation. In all honestly, I dont know where this is gonna go or what it's going to about. I'm not even sure on a title for it, which is usually something I come up with right away. I just kinda liked it and was curious about the feedback it'd get. Anyway, have fun and any comments are more than welcome, especially title related ones.
As always, I tried my best to ignore the summon.
I focused my tired limbs on running, doing my best to think of nothing but the feel of the wind as it blew through my sweat drenched fur. I submersed myself in the wonderful serenity that always came when I pushed my body to its limits. My clear, unhampered eyes feasted on the stunning blurs of jade and emerald that rushed past me as I weaved myself through the thick cluster of trees. The earthy and mysterious scents of the forest flooded through my senses, enticing me with their various aromas.
And then, once again, the painful tugging sensation in my gut—the feeling of a thousand fishhooks sinking into me and pulling all pulling in different directions— ruined my moment of peace as yet another sharp howl broke through the otherwise silent forest. The sharp ache sent tremors through my muscles, tensing up the already weary sinews and causing them to stiffen and cramp. The howl itself reverberated piercingly inside my mind as it grew louder with increased impatience. They just didn’t give up, did they? I rolled my eyes in exasperation.
And smacked head-first into a tree.
Now, being the fierce, slick, and extremely smooth wolf that I was, this was of course a one-time thing; I was far too well composed and careful to let things this stupid happen to me on a regular basis.
“Run into a tree again? What’s this, the tenth time? It’s a good thing she has such a thick head, huh Alec?” a smug voice remarked from somewhere above me.
“Oh, yes. Poor thing must be suffering horribly right about now. That bump looks awfully painful, not to mention how humiliating it must be to have such horrible reflexes. Think we should put it out of its misery?” another, cooler voice, answered. I growled as tried to slyly wipe bark from eyes, which was not an easy thing to do with paws. “Maybe we should. Look, she’s crying. How sad.”
Alright. That was the last straw. I shifted into my human form and glared up at the two vampyres who, unfortunately, occupied a branch in the tree I had just collided with. An inward sigh echoed through me as I recognized them. I knew these two.
“Alec, Rou, if you have something you’d like to say to me, why don’t you come down here and say it to my face?” I demanded.
“Ooh, Alec, I think it’s trying to talk to us,” said the one who was closet to me, Alec. He had wavy golden hair and was on the slender side. His fair, almost delicate features contrasted startlingly with his bold, garnet eyes.
“Think it’s hungry?” asked the other one, Rou. He was almost the exact opposite of Alec, with tight, dark curls and an amazingly huge form. I couldn’t help but notice the way his burly, muscle lined arms, three times the size of my own, tensed menacingly under his tight black shirt. Both of vampyres were, in a disgustingly frozen way, beautiful.
Just then, another howl sounded and the sharp pain in my stomach increased, making me wince. The longer I delayed answering the summoning howl, the worse the nagging sensation in my stomach would get.
“Oi! Blood-suckers! Get down here!” I demanded. Usually, I was much more delicate with the way I phrased such requests, but I wasn’t in the mood to be polite with a couple of leeches. Besides, they’d started it.
“Or what? You’ll make us? I didn’t know mutts could climb trees.” Rou sneered.
I yawned, showing him my razor-sharp canines. “I'm sure there’s a lot you don’t know, Rou.” He was a bit on the slow side. You know the kind; all muscle, no brain. Alec was the thinker of the two, which wasn’t saying much in my opinion.
“Huh?” Rou said, his brow crinkling as he tried to understand how I’d just insulted him. See? Told you.
Alec sighed and whacked Rou on the back of his. “She called you stupid, moron,” he explained, then turned his attention back to me, “Sorry, dog. As much as we’d love to play with you, we’ve just bathed you see, and we don’t want to catch any of your nasty fleas.”
I laughed. “Well, at least you took a bath. I’m sure that those girls you leech off of are grateful for the change.”
Alec hissed, baring his viciously sharp fangs at me. “About as grateful as that beast you call a leader is to have you in her pack.”
I felt my other form’s hackles rise. Alec could abuse me all he wanted—I’d make him pay for it later—but insulting my Alpha was going too far. “I’ll make you eat those words, you pathetic para—“ I snarled, breaking off as once again the summoning howl, this time more insistent than the last two combined, echoed through the air, making me double over as pain washed through my stomach.
I gasped as the throbbing slowly faded and heard Alec and Rou explode with laughter above me. Stupid, lousy, bloodsucking…
“C’mon Rou. Let’s get out of here before I wet myself from all this laughing. The dog has to go back to her master anyway.” Alec said. Suddenly, the forest around me filled with the sound of trees rustling in the wind, though the air itself was dead still. The sound of the vampyres laughter faded of into the distance and soon everything had quieted back down to its normal level.
Cursing and mumbling to myself, I shifted back into my other form, taking my time through the luxuriating process. My hectic nerves soothed as my tense muscles relaxed into the familiar and powerful shape of a wolf. Instantly, all of my senses expanded, heightening to such incredible levels that it seemed almost impossible for anything to be so attuned with the world around it. I loved how I could identify every different scent that floated by, no matter how old; how I could pinpoint even the smallest of sounds and see on even the darkest of nights. Above all though, I loved the raw, untamed sensation of absolute freedom. It was the knowledge that, no matter what happened, I was free. My life was mine and that was something no one would ever be able to take from me.
Another wave of torture flooded through me, magnified even more now that my sense in loyalty had increased with my transformation. I yelped and curled in on myself as I waited for the crippling pain to pass, silently cursing that god-forsaken howl as it pounded through my head. Honestly, what was their problem? Here I was, innocently trying to have a beautiful moment of revelation and they go and knock me to the ground with a blow like that. Talk about inconsiderate.
I was just struggling to my feet when my pack showed up. Wolf after wolf burst through the wall of trees and into the little clearing, circling around me in an overly menacing way. But that might have just been my paranoia talking. It’d shown up right around the point I’d laid eyes on my Alpha. Her dark, sapphire blue eyes flashed, sending shivers down my spine as she regally made her way toward me. I did a quick count of how many summoning howls I’d missed and winced; five. Man was I in for it.
My Alpha stopped about five feet away from me, a dark, throaty growl escaping her gray-streaked muzzle. I whined quietly and, resolving myself to what was coming, shifted back to my human form. One by one, the other four pack members followed suit until at last the only one still in fur was my Alpha. She continued to growl at me, letting the sound build in both volume and anger. Like the summoning howl, it seemed to cut right into me, slicing and pulling at my stomach mercilessly. Just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, she shifted back into her own human form, bringing temporarily release from the pain. I say ‘temporarily’ because she then walked forward a slapped me hard across the face. I felt her sharp nails barely slice into my skin – a sign she’d held back –and smelt the sick, coppery scent of blood as it beaded from the shallow cuts.
I refused to make a noise and was extremely proud that my eyes barely watered at all. The wolves around me, however, had no such qualms about reacting. My older brother, Fen, smirked at my public humiliation, obviously enjoying the spectacle quite a bit. My cousin—the twins, so I wasn’t sure which was which exactly—winced in sympathy while the other looked away. None of them spoke up in my defense though. I turned my face back to my Alphas, gazing as close to her eyes as I dared.
“When are you going to grow up and act your age, Sirena?” she demanded, her deep, musical voice soft with fury. Was I the only one who thought she over-reacted worse than a hormonal teenager? Still, I kept quiet. No matter what I said, it would only make things worse at this point. “What if the pack had been in danger?” she continued a moment later, “What if we’d needed you and you had behaved like you did now?” Silence. “Answer me, Sirena.”
“I’m sure Ren has a good excuse for why she was late. Just give her—”
“Sarah,” My Alpha cut her off, never taking her gaze from my face. “Sirena’s proved more than once that she has a mouth. Let her use it.”
I knew that tone. It was the “now’s the time to swallow my pride and apologize” tone. I sighed inwardly and, focusing solely on the dirt smudges on my shoes, said, “I’m sorry, Mother.”
“Sorry isn’t good enough, Sirena. How many times do I have to tell you that this isn’t just a game? This is life. And life for a wolf is dangerous. The only way we can prevail over that danger is if we’re a strong and united pack. Our survival depends on that, Sirena. We can’t afford to have any weak links.” My mother snapped, each word a flame that seared and burned through me as it added to the already raging inferno of indignation and fury that welled inside me.
I longed to ask just what kind of danger could threaten our pack, to demand to know just what we should be afraid of when the war our kind had suffered through for countless millennia was over. I wanted to scream reason into her, to force her to understand that there was nothing our people had to fear anymore. We were safe. We had been safe for centauries, yet she just couldn’t understand. The vampyres, though unbearably annoying, weren’t our enemies anymore, but her stubborn pride refused to let her see that. I bit back my tongue and tried my best to keep it all from exploding forth in a blaze of words. You’d regret them later, I told myself.
My mother seemed to realize that I was near my bursting point because she let out an exasperated sigh, regaining control over her own emotions. She put a hand on my shoulder – it took every bit of willpower I had not to shrug it off – and said, “I just want what’s best for you, Ren. Your seventeenth birthday’s almost here; you need to start preparing for adulthood.” She removed her hand and addressed the rest of the pack, “We’re going home.” Without another word, she shifted and headed back through the trees.
I watched her dark brown form melt into the sea of green, unable to stop the tremors that flowed through my body. Once again, my family dutifully followed, shifting and disappearing after her one after another. Sarah was the last one to go. She looked at me with the understanding yet condemning eyes that only a big sister has, then followed after the rest.
I stood there for a moment, letting the fire burn itself out.
We can’t afford to have any weak links.
I closed my eyes and breathed deep, taking in as much of the forest scents around me as my human self could. I wasn’t weak. And soon enough, I’d prove it to them all.
I shifted and ran into the forest.
Last edited by pandapez on Tue Jan 13, 2009 2:18 am, edited 2 times in total.




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As always, I tried my best to ignore the summons.


'Summons' is a good word here, but I'm not sure if the tense is right, or the number. "Summoning that called away my mind?" Just a suggestion.


And then, once again, the painful tugging sensation in my gut—the feeling of a thousand fishhooks sinking into me and pulling— ruined my moment of peace as yet another sharp howl broke through the otherwise silent forest. They just didn’t give up did they? I rolled my eyes in exasperation.


There should be a comma after "give up". I like the description here, but perhaps add some more detail into the surroundings and how your MC's muscles feel? Otherwise, nice job. I like the part about the fishhooks.

Now, being the fierce, slick, and extremely smooth wolf that I was, this was of course a one time thing.


Elaborate more here. Why is she slick and fierce? Is he boasting? Also, "one time" should have a hyphen connecting the two words.


It’s a good thing she has such a thick head huh Alec?"


Have a comma after "head". Yes, I'm a grammar nut. Sorry.

“Oh yes. Poor thing must be suffering horribly right about now. That bump looks awfully painful, not to mention how humiliating it must be to have the reflexes of a new-born. Think we should put it out of its misery?” another, cooler voice, answered. I growled as I slyly wiped bark from eyes—not an easy thing to do with paws, let me tell you.


Comma needed after "Oh". Also, how can she wipe bark slyly from her eyes? That doesn't make sense to me....am I missing something?

Alright. That was the last straw. I shifted into my human form and glared up at the two vampyres who, unfortunately, occupied a branch in the tree I had just collided with. I sighed inwardly. I knew these two.


Too many of these sentences start with 'I'. Boring. Try to find some other way to start your sentences. Even in first person, there's loads of different ways to do this.


“Ooh, Alec, I think it’s trying to talk to us.” said the one who was...


Comma at the end, not period.

“Oi! Blood-suckers! Get down here!” I demanded. Usually, I'm much more delicate with the way I phrase such requests, but I wasn’t in the mood to be polite with a couple of leeches.


You seem to be changing tenses here, from past to present. I know what you're trying to do, but I think it's better just to stick to past tense for this sort of thing.


“She called you stupid, moron.” He explained, then turned his attention back to me, “Sorry, dog. As much as we’d love to play with you, we’ve just bathed you see, and we don’t want to catch any of your nasty fleas.”


Comma after "moron", not a period. "He" should not be capitalized.

Cursing and mumbling to myself, I shifted back into my other form, taking my time through the luxuriating process. My hectic nerves soothed as my tense muscles relaxed into the familiar and powerful shape of a wolf. Instantly, all of my senses expanded, heightening to such incredible levels that it seemed almost impossible for anything to be so attuned with the world around it. I loved how I could identify every different scent that floated by, no matter how old; how I could pinpoint even the smallest of sounds and see on even the darkest of nights. Above all though, I loved the raw, untamed sensation of absolute freedom. It was the knowledge that, no matter what happened, I was free. My life was mine and that was something no one would ever be able to take from me.


This is really good. The description here makes me shiver. You have a lovely clear and concise writing style.

“Sarah.” My Alpha cut her off, never taking her gaze from my face. “Sirena’s proved more than once that she has a mouth. Let her use it.”


Comma, not period after "Sarah".

“I just want what’s best for you, Ren. Your seventeenth birthdays almost here; you need to start preparing for adulthood.” She removed her hand and addressed the rest of the pack, “We’re going home.” Without another word, she shifted and headed back through the trees.


You need an apostrophe after the "y" in "birthday's".


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Here's a sort of cumulative review for you. ^^ A "-" is criticism, a "+" is praise.

- You might want to sprinkle some more description here and there, just in general.
+ Great voice. It was a pleasure to read, and everything flowed wonderfully and I actually enjoyed it.
+ Good job with the characters.
- You might want to make the last scene, with Sirena's mother, a bit longer. Have other wolves come into play a bit.
- Watch out with your grammar. It was all really little stiff, but even still.
- Tenses seem to be your downfall. You keep switching from past to present. I know what you're attempting to do, but it's better to just stick with one tense, even when the narrator is talking to herself.
+ Overall great first chapter.

I'm sorry if I didn't seem to comment much, but the thing is I couldn't find much to comment on. Overall it was really good, and I think you have a lot of talent. Keep writing this; I can't wait to see what happens!

Happy writing.

-Ari
Novel Wordcount: 58,001 words




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I have a question...have you read the twilight series?, I think so, it reminded me of Twilight a bit, especially since one of the characters name is Alec.
I really liked Alec, I kind of have a thing for him.
I think you did a good job describing how she felt when she is a wolf, how she feels the nature and so forth.
I also find interesting that the werewolves are girls, it's cool.
You have some grammar mistakes and it's just too Twilight for me, try to make something different, make the werewolves and vampires different from Twilight's.
Just be original please.
Overall, I liked your story, it was interesting and quite funny.
Just keep practicing. Good Luck.
"It's a wonder I haven't abandoned all my ideals, they seem absurd and impractical. Yet I cling to them because I still believe, despite everything, that people are truly good at heart" Anne Frank.

Diana!




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Seraphania- Thanks so much for the little grammar mentions. It's one of my worst habits and I'm really glad you pointed them out to me. I probably wouldn't have noticed them at all ^^;; As for the tense thing, I'll keep in mind what you said and try to work on it. Thanks again :3

dianis97- Ah...In response to your question about Twilight, yes I did read it. About four years ago actually and, in all honesty, it was one of the furthest things from my mind when I wrote this. The only part I did get from was the description of the vampires, though not all of them are going to amazingly beautiful. I just thought it went with those twos characters. But I really do owe you a big thanks for bringing that to my attention. I really do not want this to be anything like Twilight and I'll work harder to get rid of those shared traits.

A big thanks to both of you guys for helping me out :3




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She wants to run away from it all, but she still hits trees because she doesn't know where she's going with life. She wants independence; growing up means more responsibilities within the pack, so she runs. Us humans can relate ;)
"I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness ..."



Even strength must bow to wisdom sometimes.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief