Another Planet - Action Story

Another Planet.

It was the year 3000 and the earth was getting weaker and weaker. With three quarters of the earth flooded the only place left to run was Utopia. Utopia was everyone’s perfect world, with a burnt orange sky and bright green grass, lakes full of swans and flying cars. Everyone wanted to go there and nobody would let them, only in case of an emergency the said, but this was the emergency, the city would flood any minute and outside Utopia’s lift of building stood hundreds of thousands of people, wave’s of people as far as the eye could see. Tents and sleeping bags piled up, nobody could wait. Utopia had the largest building in history. With a height of 3056 feet, this building would break the world record. It was built on a slant, but has the star of life. Every night the star would shine right through the city. With its glass dome doors, this building had it all!
They had seven hundred space ships to take six million people on three week journey to Utopia. The planet had six days left to live, until the planet collapsed and with a short deadline they had to come soon. The engineers needed to make a last check in case anything went wrong. The last thing they wanted was one hundred people from each space ship suspended in space. The engineers couldn’t get through, with so many people blocking their path. The planet was doomed! John was a young man; he had just turned twenty-six and wanted to go to Utopia. The rest of his family had drowned, and he was alone, standing amongst the millions of people, with his bag on his back; he moved forward to the gates of lift off, and noticed a guard sitting at the gates.
“Excuse me sir” said the guard.
“Yes, can I help you?” asked John.
“Is your name John Johnson, it’s just we’ve been told, not to let you pass through these gates, and you look like the man on our picture” explained the guard.
“Yes, my name is John Johnson, why will you not allow me through these gates?” asked John.
“I heard you used to work for MI6, am I correct?” said the guard.
“Yes, you are correct, I still don’t see why you won’t let me pass” shouted John.
“John, we need your help, you need to follow me NOW!” explained the guard.
John followed the guard to a dark room; the guard pulled the shutters up and lead John inside.
“What is this place?” asked John.
“It’s where you going to be working for the next 3 days” said the guard.
“What, have you seen this place, its filthy!” said john astonishingly.
“John, the world is flooding because of global warming and we need you to make sure you get every person for the world to Utopia, there are this gang of people, that when everyone has left to Utopia, they are going to build a huge wall to stop the flooding and they are going to make the planet a work base, to kill the solar system, including UTOPIA!” explained the guard.
John threw the bag on the floor, and sat on a broken stool.
The guard sat down too, and the guard showed John, where to go, what to do and what to aim for. The guard showed John, a brief case, the briefcase had all sorts of gadgets for John to use. John wasn’t so sure about the whole idea of this mission!
"John we need you to end your life, to save these people!" said the guard
The guard shot John, and walked out the room, and left John t die.
In the end everyone managed to get to Utopia, and the human race was saved once more!

Yo, Roxy Just in case you haven't been told, we do have a rule that means you must review at least two things before submitting your own work. You might want to go and sort that out, eh?

Proofread!

Yes! You've made a lot of simple typos and missing of words and such, so, just fix that up. It'd be unnecessary for me to go through and correct every single mistakes you made. It'll also help reviewers to focus more on the story than anything else, eh?

Dialogue

The first that I noticed was that your punctuation is all off, when you write dialogue. I could spend five minutes writing all that out, but, why not check out this website? Enjoy.

Right, more about your dialogue. Your tags (asked, said etc) are very lopsided. You seem to be using a lot of "asked" for questions, and using "said" for others. Although said is very typical and fine to use, when your characters are asking a question, think of other ways to say it (inquired, wondered etc) and remember that tags aren't always necessary, unless there are a bazillion people talking at once.

The voice that you have chosen for your characters is also especially odd. For example:

“Yes, my name is John Johnson, why will you not allow me through these gates?” asked John.

This is so robotic, and I mean, who talks like that? And you repeated "John" twice (second instance is unnecessary). Try rephrasing it to give your character a voice that defines their personality. Maybe... "Yeah, I'm John. Are you going to tell me why I can't go through now?" Or something like that.

Descriptions: Showing vs Telling

The start didn't really draw me in for reasons I am about to tell you. To begin with, you were talking about things that I didn't really see were noteworthy. You went on to describe a tall building that was precisely 3056 feet tall and was especially cool. But then you forgot all about it and I was left wondering what the point was. Did it really benefit the story, and least in the first paragraph? This also goes onto your idea of Utopia. I find it very black and white; everyone's idea of a Utopia is the same? Pretty green and burnt orange? Try focusing it from John's perspective--he can introduce the world to us, but from his viewpoint, so we are getting a sense of character coming through. It's things like this:

Everyone wanted to go there and nobody would let them, only in case of an emergency the said

Why? Again, we need development on your characters. What you've put here is a significant case of "telling" us everything, when I am, quite frankly, not interested/able to relate. By showing us - removing all the uses of the verb "to be" and using more active ones - the reader can look at the world from the viewpoint of the character, letting us draw our own conclusions and decisions, as opposed to shoving things down our throat.

Alright, by the end I was kind of thinking: "is this a joke?" And I hope it was. Because it was a ridiculous ending for reasons I hope I don't have to describe. Try including some more emotions in with John if you want to make this remotely story-like; show us what he thinks of things. I'm harsh, but honest.

I hope I helped somewhat,
Blinky

It didn't really draw me in at the start, and the ending was really straight-forward and short. To be honest, so was everything else. You need to expand on the characters and describe the situation more. I found myself wondering "what is utopia" is it a building, a planet, or a building on a planet. I was also strung up in the end... what was the whole thing about John killing himself? How does him dying effect the rest of the Planet? You need to clarify these points up a bit and then add in more depth about the characters and situation, then you might have a good story!