A Never Ending Pain

it might not be so good i did it at 12:30 pm




A Never Ending Pain


It’s eating away at my soul.
My heart, becoming black like coal.

When I try saying my good byes.
What calls me back are her eyes.

I lay awake at night.
Trying to put an end to the fight.

The one that makes my heart cry.
In the end I might as well die.

Her smile makes my heart bleed.
To be with her is becoming a painful need.

You make me smile, you make me cry,
My eyes start to cry tears, but soon they will dry as well as the love I feel for you…
I can’t explain why.

Stop the breathing end the suffering.
How much pain do I have to gain?

To show you the hate I feel.
Is not even real.

I hate you, I love you.
I don’t know what more to do.

Can’t you see your taking over me?
And I can’t even ask to be set free.

Bit by bit I fall deeper into your control.
My life… a never ending hole.
Eating away at my soul.

I’m sorry I love you.
But it’s true.

dacoozed wrote:it might not be so good i did it at 12:30 pm




A Never Ending Pain


It’s eating away at my soul.
My heart, becoming black like coal.

When I try saying my good byes.
What calls me back are her eyes.

I lay awake at night.
Trying to put an end to the fight.

The one that makes my heart cry.
In the end I might as well die.

Her smile makes my heart bleed.
Being with her is becoming a painful need.

You make me smile, you make me cry,
My eyes start to shed tears, but soon they will dry
as well as the love I feel for you…
I can’t explain why.

Stop the breathing end the suffering.
How much pain do I have to gain?

To show you the hate I feel.
Is not even real.

I hate you, I love you.
I don’t know what more to do.

Can’t you see you're taking over me?
And I can’t even ask to be set free.

Bit by bit I fall deeper into your control.
My life becoming a never ending hole.
Eating away at my soul.

I’m sorry I love you.
But it’s true.

This was amazing!! I really liked it! ALOT!!!

Well I just gave you some suggestions that you could use if you'd like..

Really good work!!!!

Dee Dee E

I might be harsh, but it's for your own good

dacoozed wrote:



A Never Ending Pain


It’s eating away at my soul.
My heart, becoming black like coal. The comma is wrong here, it should either be a semi colon or just say the word is.

When I try saying my good byes. When I am trying
What calls me back are her eyes.

I lay awake at night.
Trying to put an end to the fight. The rhythm is even more off here than in the previous lines

The one that makes my heart cry. THe one what? This random girl, the fight? Be specific. I have no idea what you are waffling on about.
In the end I might as well die.

Her smile makes my heart bleed.
To be with her is becoming a painful need. Awkward wording.

You make me smile, you make me cry,
My eyes start to cry tears, but soon they will dry as well as the love I feel for you… The love..dries? I don't get it.
I can’t explain why.

Stop the breathing end the suffering. Comma in the middle there.
How much pain do I have to gain? Ick with rhyming. You don't even wait till the next line here. Pull back a bit.

To show you the hate I feel. This is not where the sentence ends, maybe a comma or semi colon here.
Is not even real.

I hate you, I love you.
I don’t know what more to do.

Can’t you see your taking over me?
And I can’t even ask to be set free.

Bit by bit I fall deeper into your control.
My life… a never ending hole.
Eating away at my soul.Over did it with the rhyme again..

I’m sorry I love you.
But it’s true.
Ended on a whimper.

Basically, I didn't like it much. The flow was off and the forced rhymes made me a little nauseous. Sorry. Also, it mainly fell down in the fact that it wasn't very specific. I didn't know what was happening, all I could pick up was a lot of random angst over some girl. You have to not only express how you feel, but actually make the reader care how you feel also. If you want to ask me questions or insult me for my review, feel free to PM me.

thanks guys for your reviews... i really appreciate you for taking the time to read my work. I do agree that it needs to be more specific but i did it this way so the name of the girl would be a mystery and people can make up there own mind on the poem. My grammar usually does suck especially when i work at 12:30 in the morning. I have other poems that i would soon be shortly posting on here and I promise I will put more time and effort into them so they will be perfect but probably not on top just yet

again i thank you and ducati thanks for the harsh review... i need it, to make my work better and to keep me strong