The Poker Player

Yo. This is the first story I'm posting (no worries if you read it on Mibba and/or Fictionpress. I'm the same person). This is kind of different for me, since I usually write more comedy/humor. But I would LOVE to get anyone's feedback. =D

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I smiled, loving the look on the woman's face in front of me.

She was curled up in the corner, trying to avoid doing something stupid. Her arms were in her lap, deperately attempting to stop the bleeding of the huge gash in her stomach. She was debating whether or not to attack; I could see it in her eyes, behind the fear. Her mouth was moving slightly, saying a silent prayer before she would die.

But this one thing puzzled me. Out of all the people I have killed, why would she not fight back? All the others did, and that's what made the sport fun.

I knew I had limited time before the police came; I had made sure to trip the alarm on purpose. I only had five minutes, if I was lucky. Then again, I always am... I haven't been caught yet.

Yet, this one thing was stopping me from killing her. I was curious. Why wouldn't she fight back?

I cleared my throat. Her eyes skirted up to my face, avoiding the eyes. Don't look the predator in the eyes; they'll take that as a challenge.

"Why aren't you fighting back?"

Her only answer was to press herself deeper into the corner as if she could dissolve into the walls.

I sighed heavily, taking the knife I had in my right hand and brought it up to my face. I slowly raised one finger and ran it along the edge of the blade, making pain shoot down my hand and into my arm. "I asked you a question," I pronounced each syllable slowly and clearly, "why aren't you fighting back?"

She still didn't answer. I looked into her fearful eyes and only wanted to kill her more. Yet, I backed down. I had to know why she wasn't begging for her life.

I bent my knees so I was squatting in front of her. "I asked you a question and I haven't gotten an answer yet, woman. My patience is wearing thin and I do not have much patience to being with."

I could tell she was struggling to speak, so I waited impatiently for her to answer. But what she said wasn't what I was hoping for. "Are you going to kill me?"

I have to admit, I was surprised at what she had said. Surprised, yet angry. I tried not to let it show. If you show one ounce of weakness; one bit of emotion, the victim will use it against you. "I haven't quite decided yet," I lied easily, looking at the tip of my knife. "Depending on how you answer may decide on whether you live or die."

The woman licked her lips and struggled to adjust her position.

I raised an eyebrow. "I’m going to assume you know who I am."

She nodded. "The Poker Player." Her voice was filled with emotion. Hysteria, pain, disbelief...

Inwardly, I smiled. The Poker Player is what the authorities, the higher-ups in society, called me, because, at every murder scene, I leave a card. The card was a different one every night, depending on the person. Tonight's was going to be an ace. An ace of diamonds. A pretty card for a pretty woman.

"Correct. And since you know who I am, I assume you know what I'm going to do?"

Again, she nodded. "Kill me," she replied in a small whisper.

I smiled, glad we were finally getting somewhere. "Correct. Now, why don't you answer my question: Why aren't you fighting back?"

Then I saw it. Red and blue lights flashing against the dark walls. then I heard it. Sirens. I blinked in surprise. They had gotten here faster than I expected. Maybe they were expecting my attack this time... ?

I straightened up, pointing the knife at the woman, smiling wickedly.

Her eyes widened, if possible, and she curled up into the corner even more. "Please... please, don't kill me."

Finally. Some begging. I put the tip of the knife on my ear, indicating I couldn't quite hear what she was saying. "I'm sorry?"

"Please, don't kill me! I... I can--"

"Time to do what I came here for!" I yelled, and, before I could do anything, I felt a sharp pain on my back and fell to the ground, seeing black.

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The officer lowered his gun and looked at the fallen criminal, then at the injured woman. Her arm was covered in red--she was losing blood fast. He sighed, put his gun in the holster, and slowly walked over to the woman holding out his hand to help her up.

She hesitantly took it and stood up, wincing at her stomach. "T-thank you so much. He was--watch out!"

The officer fell. A knife was protruding from his back. The criminal was standing up and smirking at the woman. Slowly, before she could realize what he was doing, he took out the knife and turned the officer over, effortlessly slitting his throat.

He turned to go, taking the knife with him, then stopped. He turned around. "Those bulletproof vests are a wonderful help. Oh, and I was going to kill you, but he'll do." he turned once again and started walking away, throwing the ace of diamonds behind his back.

The woman was left, standing alone with a dead officer and one playing card.

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Hope you liked. Let me know what you think. =D

Hi i'm new here so sorry if i'm not that helpful. I really liked your story, I thought how the beggining jumps straight into the scene really worked and enough is told throughout the story to have a good grasp on what is going on but leaving enough mystery to make it interesting. Just a few comments:
Where you say 'she pressed herself deeper into the corner, as if she could go through the walls' I felt that 'go through' could be replaced with something else, perhaps dissolve into or seep through.
The same for 'looking at the tip of my knife' could be replaced with inspected or gazed.
The ending goes by quite fast, and although the quickness relates to how fast the turn of events is, I felt that there could be just a little more time spent to describe what is happening in more detail. The ending was a good way to draw the story to a close and I loved the character of the poker player! Other than a little more included between the poker player and the policeman and replacing of a few words I think the story is great so definetly keep at it

Ahhhhhhh! Love the avatar!!!!!!

now that that's out of the way.....

Phantomofthebasket wrote:She was curled up in the corner, trying to avoid doing something stupid. Her right arm was held in her lap with the other arm,* trying desperately to stop the bleeding.** She was debating whether or not to attack; I could see it in her eyes, behind the fear. Her mouth was moving slightly, saying a silent prayer before she would die.

*: This doesn't flow very well. You could easily just say, 'her arms were in her lap', and it would make everything flow much better.
**: What's bleeding? Her leg? Her arm? Her stomach? Something else?

Phantomofthebasket wrote:I knew I had limited time before the police came; I had made sure to trip the alarm on purpose. I only had five minutes, if I was lucky. Then again, I always am... I haven't got ((been)) caught yet.

Phantomofthebasket wrote:The only answer I got was fearful eyes and a greater urge to kill this woman. Yet, I backed down. I had to know why she wasn't begging for her life.

'The only answer I got' kind of annoys me.
I would rephrase this to say something along the lines of 'She still didn't answer. I looked into her fearful eyes and only wanted to kill her more.

Phantomofthebasket wrote:I bent my knees so I was in the catcher position on front of her.* "I asked you a question and I haven't gotten an answer yet, woman. My patience is wearing thin and I do not have much patience to being with."

*: In case someone doesn't know what the 'catcher position' is...I'm assuming you mean baseball...maybe you could say 'squatting' instead. It gives the same picture but it might make more sense to some people.

Phantomofthebasket wrote:Inwardly, I smiled. The Poker Player is what the authorities, the higher-ups in society, called me, because, at every murder scene, I leave a card. The card was a different one every night, depending on the person. Tonight's was going to be an ace. An ace of diamonds. A pretty card for a pretty woman.

Awwww...he's like the joker

Phantomofthebasket wrote:
The woman was left, standing alone with a dead officer and one playing card.

Nice last line


I liked it. Not many people take on the roll of the villain and you did a nice job. There were a lot of similarities to the joker but, oh well, he's awesome

-Carly

Hi again,
I liked the changes! Like i said before, the stroy is great, i only have a couple more comments on things that could be improved, and thats if i'm being really picky:

She was curled up in the corner, trying to avoid doing something stupid. Her arms were in her lap, trying desperately to stop the bleeding of the huge gash in her stomach.

trying is used twice, perhaps attempting or another similar word would be a good replacement.

Her eyes got wider, if possible

this sentence seems a bit clumsy, perhaps her eyes widened instead of got wider?

She pressed herself deeper into the corner as if she could dissolve into the walls, in answer.

I liked the changes to this sentence but the 'in answer' seems a bit tagged on the end. The sentence might flow better if the 'in answer' was at the begginning or replaced with 'her only answer was to press herself...'.

Overall though i think the alterations to the story improved it, i like your style of writing too. If you publish any more work pm me so i can read it!

On perspective:

for a story written from the first person perspective, this piece reads very impersonally. That, combined with the change in perspective later in the story (which, honestly, doesn't work), lead me to recommend re-writing it from a third person perspective.

On the killer:

The protagonist is boring. He (she?) doesn't have a motive, he/she's not terribly funny, not intriguing. We have no idea why he/she is doing this, why he/she chose this victim, this spot, etc. Furthermore, he/she is rather...amateur. He/she saw and heard the police coming, but still let one cop get the drop on him/her. Flesh out your character. Give us more. Sometimes a mysterious character can be good--in this case, it just makes them boring.

Nitpicks:

--"The Poker Player" is a pretty lame title for a serial killer. Try "The Card Shark," the "Cardsharp," or even something as simple as "The High Roller." Using real-world terms for the gimmicks killers use can make them more interesting than simply naming them after their gimmick.
--Cops: generally, police officers travel in pairs, not individuals. Also, they really can't shoot someone in cold blood. They need to announce their presence as police officers before making an arrest, and definitely before firing on a perp. Furthermore, he wouldn't shoot the killer and then ignore him; he would definitely check to make sure the guy was dead--and, if he wasn't, he'd call for backup, and ambulance, and cuff the guy right then and there.


--D

Your story is fascinating. Your perspective is interesting, and your character's curiousity about this woman is intriguing. It makes the reader curious about her too.

I was a little disappointed when the woman actually starts begging for her life... I was curious to see how she would react to him. Did she know something he didn't? Had she been expecting him all along? Is she suicidally depressed and had been hoping for a way out since she's too chicken to do it herself and is actually relieved that she's going to die? Or is she just a really brave, really solid, and heroic character who refuses to give her murderer the satisfaction in the wee moments before her death?

Also, the "officer sighing" part caught my attention. It's a high-strung situation, he just shot a man that his department had probably been tracking for months at best, his back-up hasn't arrived yet, and the woman he's trying to save is bleeding her guts out...would he really "sigh"? Sighing is a resigned action, it's a depressed action. Depressing something means lowering it...like lowered breathing, lowered heart-rate. A real anti-anxiety thing to do. So maybe he took a steadying breath? Or maybe his breath caught in his throat? But he didn't sigh.

I also agree with Buscador: The Poker Player is 1. Too lengthy. And 2. Too ryhmy with The Joker. What about something like just "The Player" even? Or how about "The Wild Card." (Sinister, no?)

Seriously, though. You're on to something.

I really am intrigued by this story. Rarely do you find a story from the villain's point of view. It's nice to see something outside of the box. Now this is what I think about the story:
1. I, unlike some others, really like the name "The Poker Player." It fits in with his gambling of getting caught by police--just like it's a game. It coordinates nicely to his character.
2. I feel like there wasn't enough emotion. It was good, don't get me wrong, but you're dealing with a serial killer here. We really want to get into the psyche of him. I get an idea here, but not enough to completely captivate me. It would be nice to see more. Maybe more of the chilling side of the killer?
3. The woman's character seems wavering. One moment she's brave and the next frightened. I would figure that most victims would be one or another. But that may be my own opinion.
4. I understand the killer's interest with the woman. She's different. What I don't understand is that there was no detail as to why he didn't leave when he saw the sirens. His first instinct would be to get away.

This story is really good though. Very mesmerizing--and different. That's what I love about it. Keep going with it because I definitely see a good story coming out of this.